How Will You Find Me?

I am often asked by adoptive parents, "How do I tell my child he/she is adopted?".  My answer is, you don't make an event of it.  From an early age, you talk to your child about how your family was born.  If your child is from China, you talk about your excitement of going there and finding her.  If your child was placed into your arms by a birth mother, you talk about how she came to the decision and how she picked you and that it was a loving, thoughtful choice.  Each child will have a different adoption story.  How do you start?  I think the earlier the better, so you start by reading a bedtime story.  For that reason, I wrote a book specifically for this purpose.  How Will You Find Me? is a book designed for young children.  Through the magic of animal families, a child can learn that there's more than one way to build a family.  At the end, it asks the question, "How DID you find me?"  Each family can then share their adoption story with their child in a natural progression of the book.  In this way, a child can learn early on how they came into their family and what a joy their parents felt when they came home.  Years later, when someone asks them, "How did you find out you were adopted?", they can answer, "I always knew".

www.howwillyoufindme.com

BOOK REVIEW

Adoptive parents want to be able to share their child's adoption story in a way that isn't traumatic or sensationalistic.  Using a book or two to open the conversation and plant the seed so that they can explain their own child's presence in their family and how they got there is one of the ways to do that.  Very young children can grasp the concept when told in simple terms how they became a part of their family.  "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis opens the door to discussion about adoption and how it came to be.  It talks about the phone call, the excitement, the plane flight, the hospital, and many firsts.  It provides an opportunity to talk about each of the aspects of that exciting time with the child and to provide the details of his or her specific birth and adoption.  It should be a part of every adopted child's library and can be purchased through Amazon.com on this site.  Along those lines, we will have another story book coming out very soon that deals with the same topic in poem form, with an animal perspective.  I would love to hear if anyone has books that they recommend to help a child adapt to the concept of adoption.  A child should never be able to say "I was told I was adopted when I was (a certain age) ...", citing the precise moment they found out. They should be able to say that they have always known they were adopted for as long as they could remember. 

APGAR Scores - What are they?

When a baby is born, there is an assessment made by the doctor or nurses attending the baby.  A score is given for each of five categories to determine the health of the baby.  Typically, the assessment is made right away and again five minutes later.  So, you may see an APGAR score of 8/9, meaning the first and second assessment.  The top APGAR score is a 10.  Most babies don't achieve that on the first assessment, but if the scores are on the higher end, then things are looking good.  Here is how APGARS are scored.

A = ACTIVITY (or muscle tone)
P = PULSE
G = GRIMACE (or reflex irritability/response)
A = APPEARANCE (or skin color)
R = RESPIRATION (breathing)

When assessing each category a score of 0, 1, or 2 is given, ie:

ACTIVITY - Absent = 0, Arms & Legs flexed = 1, and Active Movement = 2
PULSE - Absent = 0, Below 100 beats per minute (bpm) = 1, Above 100 bpm = 2
GRIMACE - No response = 0, Grimace = 1,  Sneezes, coughs, or pulls away = 2
APPEARANCE - Blue/gray, pale all over = 0, Normal except for extremities = 1, Normal all over = 2
RESPIRATION - Absent = 0, Slow/irregular breathing = 1, Good breath, crying = 2

After a child is born and the nurse has taken the baby to the warmer or the nursery, these tests are performed and a score is assigned.  If a child is born not breathing, he or she may have a very low APGAR at first.  Once the baby has been resuscitated, the APGAR will be considerably better, although it may take more than 5 minutes for the baby to completely pink up and have good reflexes.

It is important for the caregivers to immediately assess the newborn in order to provide proper care and make sure that the baby is healthy and, if assistance is needed, provide breathing or other support.  For adoptive parents, waiting in the hall or even if they are in the room during delivery, it may feel a little like looking into a fishbowl, from the outside looking in, and wondering what is going on.  Now, when you hear what your baby's APGAR Score is, you'll know how to interpret it and why it's so important for the medical professionals to obtain it.

Adopt without Debt

I haven't yet read this book, but I will.  It's intriguing to say the least.  Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming.  I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption.  One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas.  He helped his family to expand.  Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser.  The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them.  They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses.  I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts.  People are getting creative!  Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption.  If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.

A Good Question

A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question.  He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear.  He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?".  That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't.  I began to ask him some questions.  "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?"  You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn.  He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his".  I asked him if he loved his wife.  He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question.  I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?"  He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile.  "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked.  He stated that he could.

Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son.  They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home.  I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well.  There was a pause on the other end of the line.  He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child  He's 100% my son".  I told him I knew that.  He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it.  He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him.  That's how parents feel.  All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too. 

Adoption, Karma, and Realistic Expectations

Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!".  While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal.  Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess.  Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin.  I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm.  I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind.  Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth.  I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?"  Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him".  I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere.  You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why.  So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby.  I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen.  Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault.  I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess. 

Sometimes my job is quite a challenge.  We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions.  So how is a family matched?  When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for.  She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too.  Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more.  How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc.  Any specifics narrow the playing field.  It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side).  When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up.  Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.

It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky.  For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying.  Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few).  But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else?  Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!

I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault.  We're not the enemy.  I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them.  But what about when they do?  What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior?  Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her.  So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.

The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute.  How is their profile?  Do they take the advice we offer to improve it?  I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple.  We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's).  How did they get matched?  It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance.  A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's).  It's just that simple, believe it or not.

After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things.  First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you.  If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see.  If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you.  Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you.  We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be.  On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be.  So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in.  Maybe they had a failure before they had a success.  While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it.  Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes".  That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt.  I know that.  And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are.  But some things are just up to God.

I've always felt that there is no limit on time.  Everything happens in it's own season.  If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them.  You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money.  You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"?   That's the hard part of my job.  Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis.  When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough.  It's because there are certain things we don't have control over.  It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone.  We don't sell babies -- we do advertising.  Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes.  We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well.  I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense.  I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail.  I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be.  Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.

Flying the "Unfriendly" Skies

Recently while traveling, I had the rare occasion to use an airplane restroom.  I avoid that necessity whenever possible, always making a pit stop between connecting flights.  People who know me well would tell you that I am tad phobic about public restrooms that are anything less than sterile (is that an oxymoron?), particularly on airplanes.  But, regrettably, with my plane landing late and greeted by a "now boarding" sign on the monitor upon checking my next flight, there was no time to stop.  I barely made my flight even at a full sprint.  For those who have never changed planes in Phoenix, you can't know the terror of having to get from a "C" gate to a "D" gate in a short period of time. If you have ever trained for a half-marathon, then you may be prepared.  For those of us who haven't, it feels like miles anyway.

I digress...after getting settled into my "back of the bus" seat because of my late arrival, I realized that it would be better to use the lavatory early in the flight.  You ladies all understand.  So, with a sense of dread, I made my way to the back to the lavatory.  When using an airline restroom, it's a good idea to position yourself before entering the lavatory because once the door is closed, there's no turning around -- literally -- at least without touching all four walls.  And that's the absolute last thing you want to do.  It's a balancing act to be sure and, judging by the condition of the floor, others have not balanced so well. It occurred to me, in that moment, how unfriendly the skies really are -- most notably for children.

Take a look around.  Literally everyone you see anywhere you go is either a child or was a child at some point in time.  There are a couple of issues here.  Anyone who is already a parent (or is female) can tell you that it's difficult to maneuver with children in public toilets anyway.  Never mind not having enough room for one adult to function well.  If your child is young enough to need assistance, good luck -- and make sure you have a packet of sanitary wipes on hand.

If you are the parent of an infant and you are flying four or five hours (or more), chances are that a diaper change will be in order.  Oh, you do have options!  You can change your child on your lap -- risking a mess and offending your neighbors.  The tray tables are too flimsy to support the weight of an infant, and who wants to eat on a changing table anyway?  Then you have the floor.  The only floor space is in the aisle, which is just wide enough for your carry-on (not your hips unless you move sideways), unless you are in the front row, where you are not allowed to stow your belongings, so you won't have access to your diaper bag. Privacy is pretty much out the window in either of those two venues.  That leaves the bathroom.

I challenge anyone (and some of us truly are expert diaper changers, even in a pinch) to find a way to balance a wiggly baby either on top of the closed toilet (yuck!), or on the 3 square inches of wet counter space provided.  Of course, you do have privacy, even if you can't turn a full 360 degrees.  But just how can you bend over in a closet not even hospitable to turning around?  Here's hoping you can change a baby in space because you'll have to hold it up in the air and, in this case, gravity is not your friend.

That got me thinking -- When you hear about a plane being stuck on a tarmac for a couple of hours (or in a few cases many hours) due to weather or circumstances, what is a mother (or father) to do?  Can you imagine either babies not being changed at all or being changed in a packed (think Southwest) plane?  Bring on a problem with the ventilation or air conditioning and this is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Adoptive parents are particularly vulnerable to these problems.  More often than not, they must fly home with their newborn child.  They may have several connections or may have to travel long hours internationally.  There is no choice of whether to leave the baby at home with grandma.  They're trying to get home.  We can send astronauts to the space station, but we can't manage a kid-friendly bathroom on a plane?  Women did not design these aircraft!

So here is my proposition.  Are you a parent?  Do you want to become a parent?  Were you ever next to a child on a flight?  Do you have a mother?  That pretty much covers everyone.  If so, write a letter.  Copy it to as every airline you can find an e-mail or snail mail address for.  Ask that they start taking everyone's comfort into consideration, as this affects everyone on the plane!  Ask that there be a real changing table on every airline.  Ask that they allow enough room for a parent and child to maneuver comfortably -- never mind that a handicapped person has no chance of being able to use the facilities as is (how do they get away with that?).  Mention that you intend to fly only "family friendly" airlines.  And while you're at it, make a pitch for seats that don't involve sharing your neighbor's personal space (okay, so that request has already fallen on deaf ears so never mind that).  I want us to inundate the airlines with requests so that they will take it seriously.  Post it on face book, share with friends, pass out a form letter or petition with multiple signatures.  After all, it's a revolution.

Angels Among Us

For those who wonder, I can tell you with full certainty that there are angels living among us.  I've seen many things that point to this, but none more convincing than those responding to a recent e-mail I had sent out to special needs agencies, adoptive parents, and contacts within my adoption circle.  It has always been our mission to find a home for every baby who needs one, no matter the situation.  And, thankfully, we have always found willing families, no matter the situation.  Every once in a while, a special needs situation comes up and it can be a challenge to locate the perfect family.  But, somehow, some way, there is always that special family that is the right match for the baby.  Last week, we went in search of a family for a baby who was born with severe hydrocephalus and limited brain function.  The response has been surprising.  This baby will need a lifetime of care, special attention, and will not have much potential.  Still, there are families who want this baby to be in their family.  Many families.  There are, indeed, angels among us.

Adoption Issues - Child Sexual Predators Have Rights Too

Dear Friends and Adoptive Parents:

One of our adoptive families needs your help. While we didn’t participate in this particular adoption, all of us who believe in adoption and the best interest of children should be concerned. This is the nightmare of any parent. Please do what you can to spread this message, ask for laws to be written or changed, notify the media if you have connections, send others to our blog, where it will be posted. Especially those of you in PA can help. This is urgent and needs your attention. Please share with any other adoptive parents or child advocates that you know. Feel free to e-mail Kristin (below) to let her know you are working behind the scenes on her family’s behalf. If each one of us makes a small effort, the result will be big.

Tina Tyra
Executive Director
A Labor of Love Adoptions

Please read this letter written by Kristin.

"To all those who care for children:

As I sit, in the quiet and peace of a spring evening, I am puzzled by what to write to move your hearts to join our fight. Just as I am about to close my laptop, frustrated, I simply look to our baby sleeping peacefully. Please picture in your mind a small baby, just months old, safe and loved in a secure home. She breathes in and out, oblivious to the wrongs in this world because right now she is loved without abandon. She is clean, happy, fed, maybe a little spoiled, and has an unbelievably bright future ahead of her. She smiles in her sleep, and I think to myself how blessed we are to have her in our lives. Her hair shines with a gleam of auburn by lamplight, and I think her eyes will be blue, like mine. I know in my heart that there is no difference between parenting a biological child and an adopted one. In this moment, the world seems right.

Now, picture another side of our country’s reality. Picture innocent children, being taken advantage of by the most despicable form of humanity; those who commit crimes against children. Picture our baby, who was so lovingly placed in our arms by her birth mother, taken away to a life which will very likely revolve around crime, drugs, sexual assault, and neglect. You may think to yourself, “This would never happen!” Think again, because it happens every day. It is a sad fact that our criminal justice system has not caught up to the explosion of child pornography, rape, assault, and molestation, partially due to the availability and anonymity found within the internet.

At this time in our country, we have a crisis. This crisis revolves around our children. The crimes against our most innocent, vulnerable citizens are on the rise, and our current criminal justice system is not equipped to deal with this new generation of criminals. We ask that you read our story, and contact your local lawmakers to push for new laws to protect our kids. Make phone calls, write letters, and speak out for those who can’t speak for themselves. Ask for laws that remove parental rights of those who have committed crimes against children such as rape, assault, and child pornography. Do you know that men who have raped and assaulted females under the age of 13 are walking the streets and claiming they have the right to seek sole physical custody of a child? Our child’s birth father has pleaded guilty to this and other crimes, and our criminal justice system seems to want to hand him a new victim on a silver platter, simply because he is the “biological” father. Let’s make a difference and save our baby and many others before we read about them as a tragedy in the newspaper or hear about it on television.

Our family has been waiting to adopt a baby for 3 ½ years. In January, we met with a birth mother who selected us to care for her baby. Her reasons were many, but two were primary concerns. First, she wanted the very best of everything for her baby, and at that time, she could not provide it. Secondly, she wanted to protect the baby from the birth father, who is a convicted sex offender on Megan’s List. We agreed to be the baby’s parents and waited in excited anticipation for the birth. Initially, when the birth father was first notified, he resisted the idea of the adoption, but after the baby was born he asked our attorney to come up to the jail where he was incarcerated and “talk about everything.” Our attorney told us that he knew we had the baby and did not resist. He asked her if we would send letter, pictures, and possibly even a DVD. He told her he was probably going to sign the papers when he got out the following the week.

Since that time, he has filed for custody, which forced our birth mother to revoke her consent. We presently still have physical custody of the baby. We are told by our attorney, that our chances are slim because we have no rights and he is the biological father, therefore, he has rights to his child. The rights of the baby or the birth mother are not being considered. We are currently in a court battle to hopefully gain “standing” so we can gain the rights of parents to fight for the baby’s best interests. Does it seem crazy to you that the current justice system allows a man who has raped children (by his own admission) and has multiple charges for crimes against children including child pornography, to file for custody of a baby girl? What good is Megan’s Law Website if we do not use it to protect the children? We are ready to fight the fight for our baby, alongside her birth mother, but really, who are we compared to a pedophile with parental rights? His rights supposedly supersede everyone’s, including the child’s best interest. He is supposed to be incarcerated again, in the near future, for child pornography and yet our fight for our baby continues, with his rights supposedly prevailing.

Please, picture that baby sleeping peacefully, and join us to help keep her happy and healthy. We ask you to please, contact your local representatives, lawmakers, and even news media. Write letters, make phone calls, pray, and spread the word that our children need protection from these predators. Ask them to create and push for laws to take away the rights of sex offenders to hurt more innocent victims. Stricter and more specific laws are needed for these types of crimes. Our dear ones must be protected. Please join us in our fight. If every person writes one letter and forwards this e-mail to just a few more people, we can make a difference. Our daughter and other babies need your help to keep them safe from sexual predators, biological or otherwise."

Sincerely,

Eric and Kristin
e-mail: awaitingfamily@hotmail.com

Adoption Issues - And The Research Shows....

Economists from the California Institute of Technology (CalTech), the London School of Economics, and New York University have conducted a formal study and have discovered what those of us in the adoption field have known for years. It's nice to know that our suspicions are validated! The researchers, in a study that lasted over a five year period, found that the study revealed several distinct patterns.

First, Non-African-American babies are seven times more likely to attract the interest of an American adoptive parent than an African-American baby. Second, female children are more attractive to adoptive parents overall than male children, by more than 33%. Thirdly, gestation comes into play. The interest of an adoptive family will increase with the length of gestation. In other words, children are more desirable if they are due immediately versus earlier in the pregnancy. The desirability of a child decreases after they are born and continues to decrease.

Anyone who works in the field of adoption knows that there is greater demand for girls and that it's harder to place minority children. Ironically, many birth moms do not have ultrasounds prior to choosing a family, so often the gender is unknown at the time of the match. For those waiting for specific genders - always more families waiting for girls than boys - it can be difficult to match when the gender is known in only a small percentage when matching. Of course, many find out later on the gender of the baby they are carrying, particularly if pre-natal care is started later on in the pregnancy. That doesn't help us in the matching process!

I have my own theories, but I would love to know the reason(s)that girls are in higher demand than boys. If you thought about carrying the family name, the opposite should be true. However, that is not the case with adoption. Almost always if an adoptive family has a boy, if they have a preference for their second child, it is for a girl. On the other hand, many adoptive families who have a girl want another girl, rather than a boy. The "ideal" family used to be described as Mom, Dad, a boy and a girl. Not so much these days.

The studies have shown that American parents pursuing adoption tend to avoid taking African-American babies and boys. When ultrasounds are done, boys are more easily identified (sometimes it's not easy to identify whether the child is a girl or a boy with undescended testes), so we see more identified boys or unidentified gender babies even when ultrasounds have been done. More irony - there is a higher demand for girls, but it's easier to identify boys. On top of that, more boys are being placed than girls and perhaps that equates to more boys being born than girls, since much of the time birth moms make the choice to make an adoption plan before they know the gender. An old wives tale says that "In a time of war, more baby boys are born to replace those males lost in battle". While we can wonder how Mother Nature would know that, it seems to ring true if you look at the birth rates. So we have more baby boys and minority babies, while the demand is for the opposite.

So, hats off to the researchers who found this phenomenon to be true. I'm going to e-mail them and ask why it's true! For those who are waiting for a specific gender baby, particularly girls, -- this is why it takes more time to find them.

How Important is Culture in Trans-Racial Adoption?

These days, many children of color are adopted by Caucasian parents. The fact is, there just aren't enough black families out there to adopt the infants that are available for adoption -- a reversal of the situation for white infants. While every effort is made to place children in homes of the same race, sometimes that's just not possible. Rather than allowing these children to languish in foster care or encourage abortion among minorities, there are loving families who choose to adopt trans-racially. Regardless of parents, every child should have a healthy sense of identity -- of who they are, both as a person and as a part of a larger society. As parents, we can give them security, love, and a sense of who they are morally. If we are of a different race, giving them a sense of their racial identities, their culture, and their history is a bigger challenge.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.

In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.

It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.

As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.