A Good Question

A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question.  He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear.  He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?".  That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't.  I began to ask him some questions.  "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?"  You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn.  He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his".  I asked him if he loved his wife.  He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question.  I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?"  He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile.  "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked.  He stated that he could.

Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son.  They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home.  I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well.  There was a pause on the other end of the line.  He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child  He's 100% my son".  I told him I knew that.  He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it.  He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him.  That's how parents feel.  All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too. 

Birth Dates, Luck, and Destiny

Do people really try to aim for specific birth dates?  Sometimes they do.  CNN is reporting that Febuary 18 (give or take a couple of days) is the target date to get pregnant for those people trying for a birth date of 11/11/11.  For those having scheduled C-sections, up to a week later will work.  That will be a busy day for OB staffs around the country.  We'll hear about babies born on 11/11/11 at 11:11.  It might be a bit of a feat to have a birth weight of 11 lbs. 

Women have used numerology and favorite numbers to plan "lucky" birth dates for as long as anyone can remember.  The Chinese have that down to a science.  I like twos.  I was born the 2nd of March.  Of course, I had no control over that.  However, when my 2nd child's C-section was being planned, I purposely chose the 2nd of September.  The same thing happened with my fourth child, who was born on February 2nd. My third, unknowingly, and by some strange twist of fate, had a birth and a death date of November 2nd.  That wasn't planned, and I shouldn't have gone into labor that day, as it was months early, but it happened.  My first born really messed it all up.  He was born 2 days before the 2nd and at 2:00 p.m., but couldn't hold out another couple of days, despite being two weeks early.  So the twos permeate our household.  My fiance was born on the 3rd, but he always takes his time.

Because Valentine's Day is just a few days earlier than the "magic" date of February 18, it's a good bet that quite a few surprise babies will appear on or around the date of destiny.  It will be interesting to see what that day brings.  Stay tuned for that update.

Adoption Issues - There Is No "Safe Haven"

Back in 2001, California enacted it's version of the "Safe Haven" law, which has been put into place in almost all 50 states. It was implemented in order to allow women who couldn't parent for whatever reason, and presumably couldn't tell anyone, to place their children in a safe place at a police or fire station or hospital, with no questions asked. While at least 331 babies (according to the California Department of Social Services) have been saved by this law, countless others have died even with it in place. The question begs..."Why would anyone abandon or put their child in a trash dumpster when the obvious solution is so available?". This week, in Redondo Beach, California, a young lady age 24 who was attending a party excused herself to a bedroom because she felt "uncomfortable". A few hours later, she left to go home. She left behind her 6 lb. newborn daughter outside in a trash barrel - an ordinary trash receptacle awaiting pick up at the street. This was done just blocks from a local fire station, where she could have placed the baby and sounded a bell so that someone would come and get her and keep her safe.

I think we all want to know the answers. It's hard to imagine giving birth in a bedroom while people are partying in a home and not being noticed or notifying anyone. It's hard to imagine going through that without asking for help. While the mother states that she had no idea she was pregnant, when she finally figured out she was having a baby, wouldn't she want some assistance? An ambulance? A Hospital? Not if she planned to dispose of her baby. It seems far-fetched that with such elaborate planning, she didn't know what she was doing or that she was pregnant. While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been mentioned as a cause for this behavior, I find it difficult to accept. The more in shock a person is, the more they need help making decisions. They don't plot and plan when they are in shock.

Jessica Canfield was booked for investigation of murder after it was determined that she gave birth to the infant girl who was found under trash in a container that was too heavy for the garbage truck to lift. As a result, sanitation workers got out to investigate and found the infant. I'm not sure it will ever be possible to understand the reasons behind the actions of Jessica and others like her. Despite laws put in place to protect infants and shield reluctant mothers from judgment, scrutiny, or even discovery, we are still finding infants in trash cans. I wonder how many have gone undiscovered?

Special Delivery -- Expect the Unexpected

Adoptive parents often ask me the question, "What will the hospital (or birth) experience be like for us?". I usually explain about what generally happens at the hospital, as well as during and after the delivery, so they will feel comfortable when they are at the hospital. It does vary from hospital to hospital, but the key is flexibility. I'm not sure any two birth experiences are the same. So, you should actually prepare to be unprepared and go with it. Recently, adoptive parents Rick and Allison were matched with a birth couple who had placed ALOLA before. They did all of the normal things...viewed the profiles, spoke with the adoptive couple, met with them, and then waited for the birth. This was baby number four for birth mom, so she hoped it would be a short labor. She had no idea how short.

She was sitting on her couch on Memorial Day Weekend when her water suddenly broke. That's not all that unusual...it's what came next that was a little out of the ordinary. As soon as her water broke, birth mom felt a whole lot of pressure and within a minute, the baby's headed actually popped out. She lowered herself to the floor and her husband and a neighbor lady began to assist her. No one panicked. They seemed to take it in stride. As they began to try to help deliver the baby, the birth father called 9-1-1. He calmly told the dispatcher what had happened and asked what he needed to do. Meanwhile, he noticed that the baby's umbilical cord was looped around the neck of the baby, and the baby couldn't be be delivered because the cord was holding him back. The dispatcher told him to try to "reduce" the cord, or pull it over the baby's head to free the baby to be born. It was then that they realized the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck not once, but twice. Even doctors can be challenged by this phenomenon and this type of situation makes even the professionals a bit nervous. The cord was wrapped too tightly. When they attempted to pull the cord over the head, the other loop would tighten around the neck. They soon realized that wasn't going to work.

The birth father asked the 9-1-1 operator what to do again. He was told, "Let me check and see what the manual says". Meanwhile, the baby is looking a little blue and is obviously not able to come all the way out. The birth father (hero of the day) then made a monumental decision (which would have horrified anyone who has medical knowledge in Labor and Delivery!). He whipped out his pocket knife and cut the cord (not so sterile, but quite effective). He crimped the cord with his finger, unwound it and the baby slipped right out. It's probably a good thing (knowing now that baby is fine) that the birth father had no idea how limited the time was to get the baby out once the cord was cut (no oxygen from the placenta at that point, and the baby can't take a first breath and continue to breathe with its chest compressed by the birth canal). Perhaps it was good that birth father didn't know that because he remained calm, delivered the baby, suctioned the mouth and baby boy Austin came into the world screaming.

So, when you ask me what happens in a delivery, I can tell you only one thing with certainty -- expect the unexpected, but be flexible enough to go with the flow. Don't set yourself up by imagining something that is unrealistic or may not happen. For example, you may want to be in the room for delivery (presumably at the hospital), but if something like this happens, you won't be there. Don't let that stop you from being happy about your child's birth. Go to the hospital knowing that you may or may not be able to witness the event. You may or may not be able to spend time with the baby at the hospital in a private setting. You may have to wait until you are home for that, although many hospitals will be considerate of your desire to bond with the infant and may offer a room. Remember that for a birth mother (or birth parents), the time in the hospital will be the only time they have to say hello (and goodbye), so they may cherish that time. They are not being inconsiderate and it doesn't mean that they have changed their minds -- it simply means that they know time is short and want that time with the baby. It's the only time they will have before you become the parents. They are certainly entitled to that. They will have those memories forever. In the case of Austin's birth parents...it will be quite a memory, and a story they will likely tell years from now. It makes you wonder about what this child is destined to do in this world. He was so impatient to be born, he was not about to wait. We'll be watching you, Austin!

NOTE: Austin joins big brother, Zachary. Maybe he's already feeling a little competitive and knows he'll have to work hard to catch up!

The Hospital Experience

One of my readers asked me how to deal with the hospital in an adoption. That's a great question. For every hospital, there is a policy. Every policy is different. So, the key is to find out what that particular hospital's policy on adoption is. In a perfect world, with enough time, the attorney for the birth mother will notify the hospital in advance of the birth. The birth mothers wishes will be addressed (such as whether the baby will be brought to her or not), and the information about the adoptive family will also be included. Experiences at the hospital are as different as every baby, but there are things you can do to create an environment in which things go smoothly. First, once the attorney has made contact with the hospital and made them aware of the impending adoption, you can give the hospital a call. Ask for the social worker and introduce yourself. Let him or her know that you will be there soon for the birth of your baby. Ask about the hospital policy concerning adoptions. Typically a bracelet to access the nursery is given to one of the adoptive parents and the other is worn by the birth mother. Some hospitals are very adoption-friendly and will allow the adoptive parents a room to bond and, in some cases, will allow them to room in with the baby if birth mother is on board with that. In other cases, hospitals strictly prohibit anyone other than the biological parents from entering the nursery. If you know of this policy in advance, you can talk to a hospital administrator and see if they can bend or change the rules. If no one challenges it, the rule will never be changed.

You will find that nurses play a big part in the adoption plan. Most are supportive and will encourage bonding between you and the baby. In a small percentage of adoptions, nurses can be difficult and in a few cases, downright hostile. There are still some people who do not support or advocate adoption. You may, at times, encounter people like that. The best way to deal with them is to educate them. If you have a good relationship with your birth mother, she will be your advocate as well. She is, after all, the patient. The staff will listen to her desires and needs.

You can and should try to prepare for your time at the hospital. However, it's best to remember that not only can anything happen and plans can change -- they will. It's rare that everything goes according to plan, so plan for change. Take your sense of humor with you to the hospital and remember that to be parents, you'll need to learn to expect the unexpected and deal with it! This is good practice.

Some people freak out a little about the birth certificate. The birth mother will fill out the birth certificate herself. She may give the baby the name you have chosen and if she does, that is very sweet of her. If not, she may wish to give the baby a family name or something she has picked out. It's fine if she wants to do that. She should have a keepsake birth certificate that she can cherish. It's good to talk about that in advance and you may all decide on names that suit everyone and then it will stay the same. Otherwise, you will be allowed to change the name on the certificate at the time you finalize in court. Either way, you can call your baby anything you choose. Don't worry if the name you have chosen is not on the original birth certificate. It will be corrected at a later date.

Make sure you know the hospital policy, make a checklist of things you'll need to take with you in advance so that you don't need to think at all once you get that call, and be a good scout -- be prepared for anything. Your experience with the hospital and the birth of your child should be a happy one, so don't let the little things get to you. How long have you waited to be parents? Enjoy the moments as they come and let everything else go. Take lots of pictures too. We want to see them :).

Bringing Home Baby

I don't watch much television due to my fairly busy schedule, but this morning while getting ready for work I caught a show called "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC. I have to admit that having worked in Labor and Delivery for 7 years, I am still addicted to watching babies being born. I have yet to remain dry-eyed while observing or participating in the delivery of a baby. It's very moving to be there at the beginning of a life. It's definitely a privilege. When adoptive families are fortunate enough to be asked by a birth mother to be present at delivery, they should accept without reservation. While it may seem a little strange or feel somewhat foreign to be present while someone you don't know well is laboring and delivering -- a very intimate and private thing -- it is an experience that will bond you all, and will forever be a special memory you can share with your child. It becomes not about the privacy issue at all. It becomes a moment when you will all bear witness to the birth of a life and it's the gift of a lifetime.

Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children - Also known as ICPC

When you finally get that all-important call and your baby is being born, it's likely that you'll be leaving your state and going to where the birth mother is giving birth. This is an exciting time! Once you get to the hospital, you will be bonding with baby and spending time with birth mom while she is in the hospital. Once everyone is discharged, you will take the baby to a hotel and wait. After the birth mother has left the hospital, she will meet with an attorney or social worker and sign her relinquishment documents. In some states, this must occur before a judge (requiring some scheduling). This may take a couple of days. Once the documents are signed, your legal representative (attorney or agency) will submit the ICPC paperwork along with your adoption documents and home study to the state ICPC office. This is usually done via fax or overnight mail and is quick. Once the office gets the documents, there are a number of factors that will determine how long it will take them to give approval. Nothing will happen on weekends. In addition, they may (or may not) have a heavy caseload. ICPC officials are usually as prompt as possible in getting to your paperwork and will review it as soon as they can. Once reviewed, if they have questions or concerns, those will be addressed, and then the approval will usually happen within a short period of time. Once you get approval from the "sending" state, where the baby was born, your own "receiving" state, or home state, will also have to review the documents and approve. Again faxing or overnighting the paperwork is generally the method used to expedite things and within 48-72 hours, your own state will likely approve the documents (which have already been approved by the sending state and are merely reviewed).

The total wait time for ICPC could be anywhere from 4 or 5 working days to a couple of weeks, depending upon where weekends and holidays fall, and how many cases are being handled by the state office at that time. This is a time when families get anxious to go home and want to speed things up. While this is understandable, it's not a good idea to try to call the ICPC office yourself, have relatives call, or call your local congressman or senator to intervene on your behalf. This may do more harm than good. There is generally a limited number of staff in the ICPC office (1-3) and they are working as hard as they can to get to everyone. It will only delay their ability to review cases (yours included) if you tie them up on phone calls explaining why they haven't been able to get to your case before.

Once you are cleared to go home, your attorney or agency will call you and let you know. You don't have to be confined to a hotel room in the meantime. You can explore your surroundings and do a little sightseeing or get out and have a nice dinner or lunch together. Remember that this is very valuable time with your newborn. It may be the only quiet alone-time you have to bond. After you get home, you'll have relatives and visitors coming and going and you may wish you had that time back. So, smell the roses (okay so diapers aren't so rosy!) and relax and enjoy the time you have with your newborn. Check out their parts, watch them sleep, photograph them and send e-mails with details! Soon, you'll be back at home and work and there will be no time to just enjoy quiet time gazing at your baby.