www.howwillyoufindme.com
Showing posts with label birth mother. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth mother. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 27, 2012
How Will You Find Me?
I am often asked by adoptive parents, "How do I tell my child he/she is adopted?". My answer is, you don't make an event of it. From an early age, you talk to your child about how your family was born. If your child is from China, you talk about your excitement of going there and finding her. If your child was placed into your arms by a birth mother, you talk about how she came to the decision and how she picked you and that it was a loving, thoughtful choice. Each child will have a different adoption story. How do you start? I think the earlier the better, so you start by reading a bedtime story. For that reason, I wrote a book specifically for this purpose. How Will You Find Me? is a book designed for young children. Through the magic of animal families, a child can learn that there's more than one way to build a family. At the end, it asks the question, "How DID you find me?" Each family can then share their adoption story with their child in a natural progression of the book. In this way, a child can learn early on how they came into their family and what a joy their parents felt when they came home. Years later, when someone asks them, "How did you find out you were adopted?", they can answer, "I always knew".
www.howwillyoufindme.com
www.howwillyoufindme.com
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward
Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.
Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!
What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.
In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.
Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!
What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.
In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Always the Bridesmaid
You've heard the term, "Always the bridesmaid -- never the bride"? When adoptive families are presented to a birth mother for consideration, she tends to have an idea about what type of family she prefers. She may be looking for a family with children ("I want siblings for my child"), or she may ask for someone with no children ("I want my child to be special" or "I want him to get all of the attention"). She may prefer a specific religion, but be open to others. She may want someone close ("so we can meet before the birth") or someone far away ("I don't want to risk seeing the family out in public because it would be too emotional for me"). There may be considerations about race or other issues. We may have to consider gender. When a birth mother's preferences are known, we attempt to send her the profiles we have that most closely meet her criteria. For instance, if she has 5 preferences, then those things would be considered first. Let's say that we have only 4 families that meet all of the requested criteria. Then we will look at those who meet perhaps four of the criteria and send those as well. Perhaps there are five more families who fall into that category. They all meet different specifications, but have one or two variations, so they are all different. We will send her the 9 profiles and she may choose one that meets all of her requests. On the other hand, she may see one that comes close and find that she prefers them.
When a birth mom looks at profiles, she may instantly see who she would like as the adoptive parents. More often, she likes two or three different profiles and wants to investigate further, perhaps talking to the families, or starting with the first family, until she decides she's happy with her choice. We ask her to put her choices in numerical order and we have the first family speak to her. After that, she can decide to go on talking to families, or she may choose to stick with her first choice. That is a reasonable way to handle it, as she may not be comfortable talking with multiple families (she doesn't want to disappoint anyone) and she really just wants confirmation that her first choice is going to work for her.
When 6 to 10 profiles are sent to a birth mother, we don't know who she'll choose. We do know one thing. The ones who don't get chosen are going to feel rejected or second best. It's important to know that you're not being rejected when that happens. Most often, I hear from birth mothers, "They all look like great families and it's really hard to choose -- I like them all". However, it's only one baby, so she does have to choose one over the others. When a family is choice #2, it's very difficult for them. As an adoptive family, you have to realize that if you are being considered as number 2, that means your profile is good and you are presenting well and that it's only a matter of time before you are chosen.
We spend much of our time talking with adoptive families. It's hard to reassure a family who has been waiting and keeps getting chosen second. They feel like it's never going to happen. It will. When the right situation comes along, it will all click. If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are not very virtuous! However, we do understand that the wait can be stressful and none of us want the wait to last longer than it has to.
One of the things that helps us the most is our adoptive families being understanding about the fact that we can't call each family once a birth mom makes a decision. Of course, if you can't sleep or are consumed with what happened, you can always call us for resolution. We will certainly call if the birth mother is interested in speaking to you or considers you one of her top choices. If we call each family to tell them what happened with each birth mother, we would spend our days on the phone just disseminating that information. When we speak with adoptive families about specific situations, the conversation generally lasts at least 10-15 minutes and possibly much longer. We do call and keep everyone informed of what is actually happening when you are involved or chosen. If you are not, it's not time well spent and it takes away from our birth mother outreach time.
As far as the whys, there can be many answers, none of which will change the outcome. Birth mothers choose a family for a lot of reasons, but there is one common denominator. They find a connection. That connection can be that the two families look similar, you share an interest (nascar, football, or dancing), or that you are in a career that she eventually wants to go into (something in common she can talk with you about). The thing to remember is that if she chooses a family other than yours, she has a connection with them. That connection will enable her to feel better about the match, which is one reason that we don't have a lot of failures. If someone is just matched based on the time they have waited or that they are "next up", then the birth parent isn't as likely to find that connection and would be more susceptible to changing her mind because she may not be confident in the family chosen. It's a complex set of circumstances that lead to a successful match. If she didn't choose you, it's better that she didn't, because there is another birth mother out there somewhere with whom you'll have that connection and that will be the glue that holds you all together. She won't want to consider anyone else, because she feels you are her best choice. That's when you start to understand the whys.
Don't despair if you are feeling like you're "always the bridesmaid and never the bride". Your time will come. I do understand. Just ask my fiance, Joseph. We've been together for ten years now. When the time is right, it will happen.
When a birth mom looks at profiles, she may instantly see who she would like as the adoptive parents. More often, she likes two or three different profiles and wants to investigate further, perhaps talking to the families, or starting with the first family, until she decides she's happy with her choice. We ask her to put her choices in numerical order and we have the first family speak to her. After that, she can decide to go on talking to families, or she may choose to stick with her first choice. That is a reasonable way to handle it, as she may not be comfortable talking with multiple families (she doesn't want to disappoint anyone) and she really just wants confirmation that her first choice is going to work for her.
When 6 to 10 profiles are sent to a birth mother, we don't know who she'll choose. We do know one thing. The ones who don't get chosen are going to feel rejected or second best. It's important to know that you're not being rejected when that happens. Most often, I hear from birth mothers, "They all look like great families and it's really hard to choose -- I like them all". However, it's only one baby, so she does have to choose one over the others. When a family is choice #2, it's very difficult for them. As an adoptive family, you have to realize that if you are being considered as number 2, that means your profile is good and you are presenting well and that it's only a matter of time before you are chosen.
We spend much of our time talking with adoptive families. It's hard to reassure a family who has been waiting and keeps getting chosen second. They feel like it's never going to happen. It will. When the right situation comes along, it will all click. If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are not very virtuous! However, we do understand that the wait can be stressful and none of us want the wait to last longer than it has to.
One of the things that helps us the most is our adoptive families being understanding about the fact that we can't call each family once a birth mom makes a decision. Of course, if you can't sleep or are consumed with what happened, you can always call us for resolution. We will certainly call if the birth mother is interested in speaking to you or considers you one of her top choices. If we call each family to tell them what happened with each birth mother, we would spend our days on the phone just disseminating that information. When we speak with adoptive families about specific situations, the conversation generally lasts at least 10-15 minutes and possibly much longer. We do call and keep everyone informed of what is actually happening when you are involved or chosen. If you are not, it's not time well spent and it takes away from our birth mother outreach time.
As far as the whys, there can be many answers, none of which will change the outcome. Birth mothers choose a family for a lot of reasons, but there is one common denominator. They find a connection. That connection can be that the two families look similar, you share an interest (nascar, football, or dancing), or that you are in a career that she eventually wants to go into (something in common she can talk with you about). The thing to remember is that if she chooses a family other than yours, she has a connection with them. That connection will enable her to feel better about the match, which is one reason that we don't have a lot of failures. If someone is just matched based on the time they have waited or that they are "next up", then the birth parent isn't as likely to find that connection and would be more susceptible to changing her mind because she may not be confident in the family chosen. It's a complex set of circumstances that lead to a successful match. If she didn't choose you, it's better that she didn't, because there is another birth mother out there somewhere with whom you'll have that connection and that will be the glue that holds you all together. She won't want to consider anyone else, because she feels you are her best choice. That's when you start to understand the whys.
Don't despair if you are feeling like you're "always the bridesmaid and never the bride". Your time will come. I do understand. Just ask my fiance, Joseph. We've been together for ten years now. When the time is right, it will happen.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Holly's Reunion
Last Tuesday, my administrative assistant, Holly, was able to meet her own birth mom. At a quiet restaurant, Holly, Jimmie, her fiance, both of her children, and her Mom, Janice, went to meet Pam (birth mom), Margaret (birth grandmother), and Paige (birth niece). Four generations of her birth family were present at the very first meeting! Holly stated that with the intros, there were "hugs all around" and it was soon very comfortable, "like seeing family you haven't seen in a very long time".
Holly was able to visit with them over dinner and then breakfast the next morning, where they all viewed old pictures of Holly in the hospital when she was born. They talked about when Janice was able to pick her up at the hospital, and Pam talked about how, after she had made the decision that an adoption would take place, the hospital didn't allow her to see or hold her baby, a very different scenario from what happens today. On Thursday, a trip to Disneyland was on tap and, while perhaps overcrowded due to the spring break holiday, it gave everyone a chance to do a lot of talking and reminiscing while standing in those long lines. After a few days of getting to know one another, Holly noticed a similarity. "I know now where I get my soda addiction!", she commented.
While talking at length, they discovered that both Holly's family and Pam's family had moved from Iowa to other states at the same time. Janice frequented the same grocery store when Holly was little as her biological mom, Pam, did. Several family members crossed paths multiple times. Pam continued going to the same doctor who delivered Holly (and who had connected her with her adoptive parents) and eventually delivered another daughter, Summer. When she would go to the doctor, he would tell her that Holly was "well and doing fine". Unbeknownst to Pam, Holly's family spent time with the doctor's family on a regular basis.
There is a lot more to talk about and they are both thinking up new questions, but the plan is to see each other again before too much time passes. Holly will meet her birth father, Dan, in September, and the circle will be complete.
These days, we don't make people work so hard to connect with adoptees or birth families. Our adoptions are open and everyone has the needed information. For anyone searching to find birth parents, birth children, or birth siblings from an adoption in years past, there are resources. The internet has helped searches take on a life of their own. If you need ideas or help starting a search, give us a call and we can get you started.
Holly was able to visit with them over dinner and then breakfast the next morning, where they all viewed old pictures of Holly in the hospital when she was born. They talked about when Janice was able to pick her up at the hospital, and Pam talked about how, after she had made the decision that an adoption would take place, the hospital didn't allow her to see or hold her baby, a very different scenario from what happens today. On Thursday, a trip to Disneyland was on tap and, while perhaps overcrowded due to the spring break holiday, it gave everyone a chance to do a lot of talking and reminiscing while standing in those long lines. After a few days of getting to know one another, Holly noticed a similarity. "I know now where I get my soda addiction!", she commented.
While talking at length, they discovered that both Holly's family and Pam's family had moved from Iowa to other states at the same time. Janice frequented the same grocery store when Holly was little as her biological mom, Pam, did. Several family members crossed paths multiple times. Pam continued going to the same doctor who delivered Holly (and who had connected her with her adoptive parents) and eventually delivered another daughter, Summer. When she would go to the doctor, he would tell her that Holly was "well and doing fine". Unbeknownst to Pam, Holly's family spent time with the doctor's family on a regular basis.
There is a lot more to talk about and they are both thinking up new questions, but the plan is to see each other again before too much time passes. Holly will meet her birth father, Dan, in September, and the circle will be complete.
These days, we don't make people work so hard to connect with adoptees or birth families. Our adoptions are open and everyone has the needed information. For anyone searching to find birth parents, birth children, or birth siblings from an adoption in years past, there are resources. The internet has helped searches take on a life of their own. If you need ideas or help starting a search, give us a call and we can get you started.
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