A Good Question

A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question.  He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear.  He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?".  That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't.  I began to ask him some questions.  "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?"  You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn.  He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his".  I asked him if he loved his wife.  He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question.  I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?"  He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile.  "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked.  He stated that he could.

Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son.  They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home.  I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well.  There was a pause on the other end of the line.  He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child  He's 100% my son".  I told him I knew that.  He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it.  He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him.  That's how parents feel.  All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too. 

Special Delivery -- Expect the Unexpected

Adoptive parents often ask me the question, "What will the hospital (or birth) experience be like for us?". I usually explain about what generally happens at the hospital, as well as during and after the delivery, so they will feel comfortable when they are at the hospital. It does vary from hospital to hospital, but the key is flexibility. I'm not sure any two birth experiences are the same. So, you should actually prepare to be unprepared and go with it. Recently, adoptive parents Rick and Allison were matched with a birth couple who had placed ALOLA before. They did all of the normal things...viewed the profiles, spoke with the adoptive couple, met with them, and then waited for the birth. This was baby number four for birth mom, so she hoped it would be a short labor. She had no idea how short.

She was sitting on her couch on Memorial Day Weekend when her water suddenly broke. That's not all that unusual...it's what came next that was a little out of the ordinary. As soon as her water broke, birth mom felt a whole lot of pressure and within a minute, the baby's headed actually popped out. She lowered herself to the floor and her husband and a neighbor lady began to assist her. No one panicked. They seemed to take it in stride. As they began to try to help deliver the baby, the birth father called 9-1-1. He calmly told the dispatcher what had happened and asked what he needed to do. Meanwhile, he noticed that the baby's umbilical cord was looped around the neck of the baby, and the baby couldn't be be delivered because the cord was holding him back. The dispatcher told him to try to "reduce" the cord, or pull it over the baby's head to free the baby to be born. It was then that they realized the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck not once, but twice. Even doctors can be challenged by this phenomenon and this type of situation makes even the professionals a bit nervous. The cord was wrapped too tightly. When they attempted to pull the cord over the head, the other loop would tighten around the neck. They soon realized that wasn't going to work.

The birth father asked the 9-1-1 operator what to do again. He was told, "Let me check and see what the manual says". Meanwhile, the baby is looking a little blue and is obviously not able to come all the way out. The birth father (hero of the day) then made a monumental decision (which would have horrified anyone who has medical knowledge in Labor and Delivery!). He whipped out his pocket knife and cut the cord (not so sterile, but quite effective). He crimped the cord with his finger, unwound it and the baby slipped right out. It's probably a good thing (knowing now that baby is fine) that the birth father had no idea how limited the time was to get the baby out once the cord was cut (no oxygen from the placenta at that point, and the baby can't take a first breath and continue to breathe with its chest compressed by the birth canal). Perhaps it was good that birth father didn't know that because he remained calm, delivered the baby, suctioned the mouth and baby boy Austin came into the world screaming.

So, when you ask me what happens in a delivery, I can tell you only one thing with certainty -- expect the unexpected, but be flexible enough to go with the flow. Don't set yourself up by imagining something that is unrealistic or may not happen. For example, you may want to be in the room for delivery (presumably at the hospital), but if something like this happens, you won't be there. Don't let that stop you from being happy about your child's birth. Go to the hospital knowing that you may or may not be able to witness the event. You may or may not be able to spend time with the baby at the hospital in a private setting. You may have to wait until you are home for that, although many hospitals will be considerate of your desire to bond with the infant and may offer a room. Remember that for a birth mother (or birth parents), the time in the hospital will be the only time they have to say hello (and goodbye), so they may cherish that time. They are not being inconsiderate and it doesn't mean that they have changed their minds -- it simply means that they know time is short and want that time with the baby. It's the only time they will have before you become the parents. They are certainly entitled to that. They will have those memories forever. In the case of Austin's birth parents...it will be quite a memory, and a story they will likely tell years from now. It makes you wonder about what this child is destined to do in this world. He was so impatient to be born, he was not about to wait. We'll be watching you, Austin!

NOTE: Austin joins big brother, Zachary. Maybe he's already feeling a little competitive and knows he'll have to work hard to catch up!

Bringing Home Baby

I don't watch much television due to my fairly busy schedule, but this morning while getting ready for work I caught a show called "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC. I have to admit that having worked in Labor and Delivery for 7 years, I am still addicted to watching babies being born. I have yet to remain dry-eyed while observing or participating in the delivery of a baby. It's very moving to be there at the beginning of a life. It's definitely a privilege. When adoptive families are fortunate enough to be asked by a birth mother to be present at delivery, they should accept without reservation. While it may seem a little strange or feel somewhat foreign to be present while someone you don't know well is laboring and delivering -- a very intimate and private thing -- it is an experience that will bond you all, and will forever be a special memory you can share with your child. It becomes not about the privacy issue at all. It becomes a moment when you will all bear witness to the birth of a life and it's the gift of a lifetime.

Bonding and Adoption

I am often asked by soon-to-be first time adoptive parents, "How do we know if we'll be able to bond with our new baby?". I smile at that because I have yet to meet the parents, adoptive or biological, who didn't fall hopelessly in love with their newborn. It's quite a sight to see those tough guy dads going to mush over their new little one. However, they pose a good question. I wouldn't worry too much about whether you'll bond -- you will. But you can do things that will enable you to feel closer to baby and, thus, build a strong bond in a short period of time.

Touch is very important when bonding. There are plenty of ways you can facilitate touch. First, keep in mind that your baby won't break. Some new parents are afraid to move baby's arms and legs around. Remember that your baby was a pretzel just a few days earlier in the womb and is very flexible. It's important to support the neck and head, but you can move and bend arms and legs. A baby is designed to feed at the breast. So, at night when you are feeding your child, get some skin to skin contact by taking off your shirt and letting baby rest against your skin while you feed the bottle. This will soothe your baby and enable him or her to hear your heart, a familiar sound. After you bathe your baby, take a little time and massage your baby with baby lotion. That will relax the baby and he or she will take comfort in your touch. Snuggle time is important, so take the time to lie down with baby and just enjoy the time together.

Another bonding tip is eye contact. Your baby will soon follow you with his or her eyes and when you make eye contact, you'll find that your child is able to recognize you and will soon smile and follow you with his or her eyes when you move about the room.

Sing to your baby and talk softly. This will get them used to your voice and before you know it, they will recognize your voice and turn their head your way, even if several people are speaking. Even changing diapers and comforting a sick baby can be a bonding experience. There is a need and you are there to meet it. I have a theory. Once your baby has spit up on you, peed on you, and pooped on you, you have exchanged enough DNA to be related :).

Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children - Also known as ICPC

When you finally get that all-important call and your baby is being born, it's likely that you'll be leaving your state and going to where the birth mother is giving birth. This is an exciting time! Once you get to the hospital, you will be bonding with baby and spending time with birth mom while she is in the hospital. Once everyone is discharged, you will take the baby to a hotel and wait. After the birth mother has left the hospital, she will meet with an attorney or social worker and sign her relinquishment documents. In some states, this must occur before a judge (requiring some scheduling). This may take a couple of days. Once the documents are signed, your legal representative (attorney or agency) will submit the ICPC paperwork along with your adoption documents and home study to the state ICPC office. This is usually done via fax or overnight mail and is quick. Once the office gets the documents, there are a number of factors that will determine how long it will take them to give approval. Nothing will happen on weekends. In addition, they may (or may not) have a heavy caseload. ICPC officials are usually as prompt as possible in getting to your paperwork and will review it as soon as they can. Once reviewed, if they have questions or concerns, those will be addressed, and then the approval will usually happen within a short period of time. Once you get approval from the "sending" state, where the baby was born, your own "receiving" state, or home state, will also have to review the documents and approve. Again faxing or overnighting the paperwork is generally the method used to expedite things and within 48-72 hours, your own state will likely approve the documents (which have already been approved by the sending state and are merely reviewed).

The total wait time for ICPC could be anywhere from 4 or 5 working days to a couple of weeks, depending upon where weekends and holidays fall, and how many cases are being handled by the state office at that time. This is a time when families get anxious to go home and want to speed things up. While this is understandable, it's not a good idea to try to call the ICPC office yourself, have relatives call, or call your local congressman or senator to intervene on your behalf. This may do more harm than good. There is generally a limited number of staff in the ICPC office (1-3) and they are working as hard as they can to get to everyone. It will only delay their ability to review cases (yours included) if you tie them up on phone calls explaining why they haven't been able to get to your case before.

Once you are cleared to go home, your attorney or agency will call you and let you know. You don't have to be confined to a hotel room in the meantime. You can explore your surroundings and do a little sightseeing or get out and have a nice dinner or lunch together. Remember that this is very valuable time with your newborn. It may be the only quiet alone-time you have to bond. After you get home, you'll have relatives and visitors coming and going and you may wish you had that time back. So, smell the roses (okay so diapers aren't so rosy!) and relax and enjoy the time you have with your newborn. Check out their parts, watch them sleep, photograph them and send e-mails with details! Soon, you'll be back at home and work and there will be no time to just enjoy quiet time gazing at your baby.