Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!". While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal. Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess. Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin. I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm. I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind. Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth. I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?" Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him". I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere. You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why. So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby. I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen. Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault. I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess.
Sometimes my job is quite a challenge. We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions. So how is a family matched? When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for. She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too. Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more. How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc. Any specifics narrow the playing field. It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side). When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up. Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.
It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky. For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying. Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few). But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else? Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!
I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault. We're not the enemy. I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them. But what about when they do? What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior? Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her. So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.
The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute. How is their profile? Do they take the advice we offer to improve it? I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple. We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's). How did they get matched? It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance. A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's). It's just that simple, believe it or not.
After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things. First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you. If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see. If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you. Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you. We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be. On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be. So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in. Maybe they had a failure before they had a success. While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it. Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes". That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt. I know that. And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are. But some things are just up to God.
I've always felt that there is no limit on time. Everything happens in it's own season. If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them. You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money. You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That's the hard part of my job. Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis. When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough. It's because there are certain things we don't have control over. It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone. We don't sell babies -- we do advertising. Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes. We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well. I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense. I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail. I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be. Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.
Showing posts with label China. Show all posts
Showing posts with label China. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Protect Our Children - Buy American
The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is screening imports from China for children's jewelry said to contain cadmium. Cadmium is a carcinogen and is highly toxic. Symptoms of cadmium exposure may start hours after the exposure and may include cough, irritation of the nose and throat, headache, weakness, dizziness, fever, chills, and chest pain. More prolonged exposure can result in poisoning the liver and kidneys with kidney failure. Kidneys can shrink and kidney damage due to cadmium is irreversible. There can be a loss of smell. Bones can also be affected, losing bone mineral density and causing risk of fracture and bone weakness. In extreme cases, mere body weight can cause fracturing of the bones.
There has been a voluntary recall of 19,000 "Best Friends" charm bracelets made in China. They have been sold at a chain of jewelry and accessory stores called "Claire's", found in many malls. There are over 3,000 Claire's stores. The jewelry contains high levels of a toxic metal - cadmium. Federal regulators are checking other imported jewelry from China to determine of there are other instances of the same metal being used for jewelry items for children. Children put jewelry or items they play with in their mouths.
If you know of anyone who has purchased jewelry at Claire's, please make them aware of this recall. In the U.S., toys, jewelry, and all consumer items are regulated and anything with cadmium or other known toxins is not allowed to be manufactured and sold. For some reason, imports from China and other foreign countries are not scrutinized as closely and they are making their way into our markets. There is one simple solution to this problem. It would go a long way to keeping our children safe and may even turn around our problems with employment and the economy. Look at labels and be aware. Buy American.
There has been a voluntary recall of 19,000 "Best Friends" charm bracelets made in China. They have been sold at a chain of jewelry and accessory stores called "Claire's", found in many malls. There are over 3,000 Claire's stores. The jewelry contains high levels of a toxic metal - cadmium. Federal regulators are checking other imported jewelry from China to determine of there are other instances of the same metal being used for jewelry items for children. Children put jewelry or items they play with in their mouths.
If you know of anyone who has purchased jewelry at Claire's, please make them aware of this recall. In the U.S., toys, jewelry, and all consumer items are regulated and anything with cadmium or other known toxins is not allowed to be manufactured and sold. For some reason, imports from China and other foreign countries are not scrutinized as closely and they are making their way into our markets. There is one simple solution to this problem. It would go a long way to keeping our children safe and may even turn around our problems with employment and the economy. Look at labels and be aware. Buy American.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward
Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.
Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!
What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.
In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.
Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!
What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.
In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
China's Secret Adoption Trade
I am a proponent of adoption over abortion and, as you likely already know, I facilitate adoption on a daily basis. I receive a lot of calls about foreign adoption and while I have encouraged some to go that route, I have always felt that China was not the answer. China's one child policy has spawned moral and ethical dilemmas and the deaths of many Chinese girls. It is reported that within ten years, there will be such a shortage of Chinese women for the men to marry that they are already being encouraged to find foreign brides. In China, there is no social security. What that means is that in their old age, parents must be supported by their children. Traditionally the breadwinners were the boys and they also carried the family name. So with the policy being one child only, the preference was to have a boy, or suffer in your old age.
The government was known to crack down on people who had more than one child, particularly the farmers, who needed multiple children to help them with their farms. If someone disobeyed the law, they lost their jobs or their family members lost their jobs. In some cases, they were harassed and even had their homes destroyed. It was powerful motivation not to have girls. Because it is illegal in China to abandon a baby anywhere, families would leave them in quiet dark places like along farm roads or in dark alleys. Some were found. Many died.
In recent times, with ultrasounds available, sex selection is the norm. Girl babies are aborted. Before ultrasounds were available, a female child would simply be delivered and placed face down in a bucket of water to drown. The word "humanitarian" doesn't come to mind when I think of China. They kill their own.
Recently, a child trafficker who was released from prison gave his account of what goes on. Apparently orphanages in China pay hefty sums for baby girls because the foreign demand is so high. It's a for-profit venture selling Chinese baby girls. Ironically, with adoption there is more demand for girls at the rate of perhaps 8 out of 10 families who prefer a specific gender choosing females. That is a topic for another day. I encourage you to read this article yourself and come to your own conclusions:
http://www.wgntv.com/news/la-fg-china-adopt24-2010jan24,0,6173934.story?page=2&track=rss
China needs to clean up their act. However, until foreign countries stop adopting from China, there will be no incentive to do so. In the meantime, baby girls die and baby girls are kidnapped and sold to an orphanage and subsequently a family. Yes, they end up with a good life, but is it fair or moral to encourage the practice of taking them from families who love them and don't want to give them up? China may need a one child policy, but if they want to put those kinds of restrictions on families, they need to make a plan for the aged that doesn't involve having only boys. I could accept the one child rule for population control if everyone were to have whatever child God sent them -- boy or girl. Sterilization is a much more acceptable practice than abortion.
Americans have had the reputation of going anywhere on humanitarian missions to help out. We don't restrict our gifts to just our own country. We, and other nations, must put pressure on China to change their practices or we need to shut down all adoptions from China. We shouldn't adopt kidnapped babies and we shouldn't support abandonment of unwanted infants. If we continue to support the policies that cause harm to children, particularly girls, then we are as guilty as they are. China has no one to blame when they have no one for their sons to marry.
The government was known to crack down on people who had more than one child, particularly the farmers, who needed multiple children to help them with their farms. If someone disobeyed the law, they lost their jobs or their family members lost their jobs. In some cases, they were harassed and even had their homes destroyed. It was powerful motivation not to have girls. Because it is illegal in China to abandon a baby anywhere, families would leave them in quiet dark places like along farm roads or in dark alleys. Some were found. Many died.
In recent times, with ultrasounds available, sex selection is the norm. Girl babies are aborted. Before ultrasounds were available, a female child would simply be delivered and placed face down in a bucket of water to drown. The word "humanitarian" doesn't come to mind when I think of China. They kill their own.
Recently, a child trafficker who was released from prison gave his account of what goes on. Apparently orphanages in China pay hefty sums for baby girls because the foreign demand is so high. It's a for-profit venture selling Chinese baby girls. Ironically, with adoption there is more demand for girls at the rate of perhaps 8 out of 10 families who prefer a specific gender choosing females. That is a topic for another day. I encourage you to read this article yourself and come to your own conclusions:
http://www.wgntv.com/news/la-fg-china-adopt24-2010jan24,0,6173934.story?page=2&track=rss
China needs to clean up their act. However, until foreign countries stop adopting from China, there will be no incentive to do so. In the meantime, baby girls die and baby girls are kidnapped and sold to an orphanage and subsequently a family. Yes, they end up with a good life, but is it fair or moral to encourage the practice of taking them from families who love them and don't want to give them up? China may need a one child policy, but if they want to put those kinds of restrictions on families, they need to make a plan for the aged that doesn't involve having only boys. I could accept the one child rule for population control if everyone were to have whatever child God sent them -- boy or girl. Sterilization is a much more acceptable practice than abortion.
Americans have had the reputation of going anywhere on humanitarian missions to help out. We don't restrict our gifts to just our own country. We, and other nations, must put pressure on China to change their practices or we need to shut down all adoptions from China. We shouldn't adopt kidnapped babies and we shouldn't support abandonment of unwanted infants. If we continue to support the policies that cause harm to children, particularly girls, then we are as guilty as they are. China has no one to blame when they have no one for their sons to marry.
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