How Will You Find Me?

I am often asked by adoptive parents, "How do I tell my child he/she is adopted?".  My answer is, you don't make an event of it.  From an early age, you talk to your child about how your family was born.  If your child is from China, you talk about your excitement of going there and finding her.  If your child was placed into your arms by a birth mother, you talk about how she came to the decision and how she picked you and that it was a loving, thoughtful choice.  Each child will have a different adoption story.  How do you start?  I think the earlier the better, so you start by reading a bedtime story.  For that reason, I wrote a book specifically for this purpose.  How Will You Find Me? is a book designed for young children.  Through the magic of animal families, a child can learn that there's more than one way to build a family.  At the end, it asks the question, "How DID you find me?"  Each family can then share their adoption story with their child in a natural progression of the book.  In this way, a child can learn early on how they came into their family and what a joy their parents felt when they came home.  Years later, when someone asks them, "How did you find out you were adopted?", they can answer, "I always knew".

www.howwillyoufindme.com

BOOK REVIEW

Adoptive parents want to be able to share their child's adoption story in a way that isn't traumatic or sensationalistic.  Using a book or two to open the conversation and plant the seed so that they can explain their own child's presence in their family and how they got there is one of the ways to do that.  Very young children can grasp the concept when told in simple terms how they became a part of their family.  "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis opens the door to discussion about adoption and how it came to be.  It talks about the phone call, the excitement, the plane flight, the hospital, and many firsts.  It provides an opportunity to talk about each of the aspects of that exciting time with the child and to provide the details of his or her specific birth and adoption.  It should be a part of every adopted child's library and can be purchased through Amazon.com on this site.  Along those lines, we will have another story book coming out very soon that deals with the same topic in poem form, with an animal perspective.  I would love to hear if anyone has books that they recommend to help a child adapt to the concept of adoption.  A child should never be able to say "I was told I was adopted when I was (a certain age) ...", citing the precise moment they found out. They should be able to say that they have always known they were adopted for as long as they could remember. 

Adoption, Karma, and Realistic Expectations

Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!".  While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal.  Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess.  Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin.  I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm.  I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind.  Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth.  I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?"  Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him".  I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere.  You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why.  So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby.  I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen.  Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault.  I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess. 

Sometimes my job is quite a challenge.  We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions.  So how is a family matched?  When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for.  She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too.  Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more.  How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc.  Any specifics narrow the playing field.  It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side).  When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up.  Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.

It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky.  For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying.  Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few).  But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else?  Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!

I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault.  We're not the enemy.  I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them.  But what about when they do?  What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior?  Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her.  So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.

The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute.  How is their profile?  Do they take the advice we offer to improve it?  I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple.  We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's).  How did they get matched?  It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance.  A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's).  It's just that simple, believe it or not.

After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things.  First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you.  If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see.  If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you.  Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you.  We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be.  On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be.  So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in.  Maybe they had a failure before they had a success.  While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it.  Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes".  That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt.  I know that.  And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are.  But some things are just up to God.

I've always felt that there is no limit on time.  Everything happens in it's own season.  If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them.  You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money.  You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"?   That's the hard part of my job.  Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis.  When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough.  It's because there are certain things we don't have control over.  It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone.  We don't sell babies -- we do advertising.  Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes.  We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well.  I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense.  I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail.  I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be.  Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

Breast Feeding the Adopted Child

I am asked on a fairly regular basis whether an adopted child can be breast fed. The short answer is "Yes". The long answer is more complex. If an adoptive mother has lactated before, then it's easier to bring in breast milk. If she has not previously lactated, it's a bit more complex. Mothers are encouraged by physicians to breast feed their infants for a number of reasons. Immunities and health are affected by breast feeding. A mother passes her immunities on to her child through the breast milk. Breast milk contains less fat and is healthier for a child than processed formulas or cows' milk. Babies have less allergies to breast milk than to milk-based formulas or cows' milk.

Breast feeding is a bonding experience and some adoptive mothers feel as if it will bring them closer to their infant. The whole process of holding an infant closely and gazing into their eyes while they are being fed simulates the breast experience. Even when bottle feeding, while the child is very young you can give them skin to skin contact and bond. If you do decide you'd like to try breast feeding, you may need some assistance. La Leche League (www.llli.org) is an organization which promotes and provides information and assistance with breast feeding. The nursery at the hospital where your child is born may have a lactation specialist who can also give you assistance. You will need patience and determination to get the process going, but once your milk comes in, it will become a much smoother process.

How is it possible to produce breast milk when you haven't given birth? The body is an amazing thing. If an infant is constantly suckling, a signal will be sent to the brain and the body will begin to produce milk for that infant. There are ways to get prepared. The first step is to toughen up the nipples a little...using a towel after showering, you briskly towel dry the nipples and work up to a more vigorous stimulation. Breast feeding can, at first, be a little painful and if you aren't lactating naturally, it can be more of a challenge. If you can work through it, you can breast feed an adopted infant.

How do you begin the breastfeeding process? Ideally, the process begins in the hospital. It's better not to even introduce a synthetic nipple if you are going to breast feed. It can still be done after an infant has taken a bottle, but then it becomes re-training. The hole in a synthetic nipple allows a child to get the milk without much effort. Even a weak suck will produce the desired result. Breast feeding requires more work and actually assists in developing the palate and there are studies that show it is better for linguistic development because the muscles of the mouth are being used and worked.

When milk production has to be stimulated (if you haven't given birth), how is that achieved? Suckling stimulates the milk glands, but if a baby gets no milk, they will stop suckling. So, the way this is achieved is to reward the baby with milk for suckling. This is done by taping a small feeding tube to the breast (over the shoulder and down) which is attached to a formula bottle. The baby is placed on the breast and suckles normally. He/she is sucking on the breast, with the small tube, enabling them to get nourishment. This is done every three hours at feedings and, while it is a production and can take some time, it stimulates the breasts to produce milk. Ideally, the breasts begin to produce and the tube and formula are discontinued.

Why doesn't everyone do this? It's not easy. Infants have a very strong sucking reflex. When the breasts are dry, this can be an uncomfortable process and some women can't tolerate it for long enough to get the process going and establish good milk flow. I have known several adoptive mothers who were successful at breast feeding their infants.

One word of caution. If you plan to do this in the hospital, the birth mother will need to know about it. Be sensitive when discussing this with her. In one case that I remember, an adoptive mother told the birth mother point blank that she was planning on breast feeding. The birth mother called me in tears to say that she didn't feel that was right and that if she couldn't breast feed her infant, it wasn't fair that the adoptive mother could. Of course, she was feeling hurt and left out and never expected to feel that way. It almost became a deal-breaker until the adoptive mom let her know that she never intended to usurp her position and that she wouldn't breast feed. If you intend to try breast feeding and you want to begin just after birth, ask the birth mother her opinion. You can bring it up by saying..."I've heard adoptive moms can breast feed. What do you think about that?"...and be as understanding as possible about her feelings. She may encourage you to go forward and she may say she's not comfortable with it. If she isn't, then either bottle feed or choose to begin the process away from the hospital after you get home. Then, she doesn't have to see that happening and confront her own feelings that she is being denied an opportunity that should have been hers. She is giving the ultimate gift, so this respect is a gift you can give her.