Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!". While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal. Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess. Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin. I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm. I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind. Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth. I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?" Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him". I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere. You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why. So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby. I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen. Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault. I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess.
Sometimes my job is quite a challenge. We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions. So how is a family matched? When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for. She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too. Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more. How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc. Any specifics narrow the playing field. It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side). When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up. Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.
It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky. For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying. Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few). But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else? Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!
I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault. We're not the enemy. I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them. But what about when they do? What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior? Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her. So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.
The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute. How is their profile? Do they take the advice we offer to improve it? I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple. We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's). How did they get matched? It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance. A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's). It's just that simple, believe it or not.
After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things. First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you. If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see. If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you. Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you. We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be. On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be. So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in. Maybe they had a failure before they had a success. While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it. Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes". That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt. I know that. And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are. But some things are just up to God.
I've always felt that there is no limit on time. Everything happens in it's own season. If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them. You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money. You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That's the hard part of my job. Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis. When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough. It's because there are certain things we don't have control over. It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone. We don't sell babies -- we do advertising. Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes. We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well. I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense. I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail. I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be. Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.
Showing posts with label advertising. Show all posts
Showing posts with label advertising. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Adoption Issues - Confusion Over Agency/Facilitator Options
Often times potential adoptive families will want to know the difference between facilitation and full service agency adoption. It's hard to navigate all of the options of adoption when trying to compare apples to oranges, so I thought I'd clarify what I can. Since I facilitate on a regular basis, but also do full service agency adoption, I think I can clear up a few misunderstandings.
Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.
As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.
With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.
Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.
Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.
On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.
All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.
The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).
I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.
Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.
As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.
With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.
Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.
Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.
On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.
All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.
The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).
I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Advertising, Business, and the Advertising Business
Even though I do adoptions, my job is more of a glorified advertising representative, as I spend a lot of my time sorting through tear pages and placing ads. While we do mostly yellow page advertising, I'm always on the lookout for additional ways to connect birth moms to adoptive families and to promote what we do. I recently stumbled upon a new concept that I think may take off in the world of advertising and I believe in it enough to put some of our own advertising dollars into it and I am actively promoting it as a solid business concept. While I don't advocate placing adoptive parent or birth mom information out there on the internet for all to see, I do think the internet is a powerful advertising tool. I just hadn't seen a way that it might work for us. Local Ad Link is a company founded by Bob McNulty, who is commonly associated with e-commerce. He has been successful in implementing several innovative business concepts, such as Home Depot, and Local Ad Link is another one. It goes public in April and my guess is that it will take off. The reason I am talking about it is because it is a new and exciting business opportunity for not only people who are currently out of work, but also those new moms who want to stop working outside of the home so that they can stay at home with their new babies, and yet still earn an income. The current job market being what it is makes it even more intriguing. The goal of Local Ad Link was to have 4,000 representatives when they go public in April. They already have 30,000 as people recognize what a ground floor opportunity it may be. While I have been rather outspoken on the topic of multi-level marketing, this is a company that I could see working. There is no guarantee, but everyone who is in business needs advertising, and they have made it affordable and localized. If you're interested in learning more about Local Ad Link, check out the video on the following site; http://www.localads2go.com. It may be a good opportunity. Contact me if you'd like to talk more about it.
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