Adoption, Karma, and Realistic Expectations

Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!".  While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal.  Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess.  Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin.  I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm.  I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind.  Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth.  I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?"  Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him".  I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere.  You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why.  So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby.  I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen.  Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault.  I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess. 

Sometimes my job is quite a challenge.  We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions.  So how is a family matched?  When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for.  She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too.  Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more.  How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc.  Any specifics narrow the playing field.  It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side).  When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up.  Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.

It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky.  For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying.  Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few).  But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else?  Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!

I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault.  We're not the enemy.  I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them.  But what about when they do?  What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior?  Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her.  So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.

The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute.  How is their profile?  Do they take the advice we offer to improve it?  I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple.  We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's).  How did they get matched?  It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance.  A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's).  It's just that simple, believe it or not.

After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things.  First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you.  If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see.  If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you.  Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you.  We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be.  On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be.  So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in.  Maybe they had a failure before they had a success.  While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it.  Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes".  That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt.  I know that.  And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are.  But some things are just up to God.

I've always felt that there is no limit on time.  Everything happens in it's own season.  If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them.  You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money.  You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"?   That's the hard part of my job.  Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis.  When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough.  It's because there are certain things we don't have control over.  It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone.  We don't sell babies -- we do advertising.  Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes.  We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well.  I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense.  I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail.  I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be.  Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.

Adoption Is Forever

Last week, Nancy Hanson of Tennessee put her 7 year old adopted son, Justin, onto a plane to Russia with no more than a note and a goodbye. Upon landing in Russia, he showed up unannounced at the Child Protection Ministry. This set off an international investigation that may leave in limbo many American families who are already in the process of adopting in Russia. Russia has suspended adoptions to Americans until a new treaty is put into place with the U.S. Ms. Hansen, a single woman, defends her actions contending that the child was violent and she was concerned about her family's safety. The agency that assisted with the placement reported that as recently as February, they had spoken to Ms. Hanson and she had not indicated any problems. Ms. Hanson stated "It wasn't that he was just energetic and wearing us down, it was the violent tendencies and he had to be watched all the time". In my opinion, all children of that age must be "watched all the time". If he had violent tendencies at age 7, this is something that generally can be corrected with therapy.

There are conflicting stories. Ms. Hanson claims that once he learned English, Justin talked about being abused and beaten at the orphanage. Russian officials state that he has told them he was abused by his American family. He stated he was yelled at and his hair pulled. Ms. Hanson felt that the "final incident" that convinced her that she should send Justin back was when she caught him starting a fire with papers in his bedroom. That is a concern, but what child won't play with matches or lighters if they get the chance? They have to be taught not to do those things and this boy never had a chance. I find it telling that he had access to anything that would start a fire or that he wasn't supervised to the point of having time and means to do such a thing. Instead of a learning experience, this became another lesson in abandonment.

The U.S. government is troubled and is doing everything they can to repair the relationship with Russia's Child Protection Ministry and to minimize the damage our citizens have sustained to their reputations. Russians are viewing Americans as monsters who would callously abandon children. Investigators will have to determine if Ms. Hanson committed a crime. In my view, she did. Child abandonment, child endangerment, and many other child welfare laws may have been broken. Beyond that, she has broken a child's heart. Ms. Hanson had many options, including therapy, asking for the intervention of a social worker from the agency, and ultimately could have asked the agency to disrupt the adoption and place him with another American family who had the time and means to deal with the issues he presented. It has been reported that she was trying, at the same time, to adopt another Russian child.

I believe there is more to this story and that there are likely more issues with the mother than with the child. Regardless of whether you give birth or adopt a child, you don't stick a note on their shirt and send them off on a plane alone to face the world. Abandonment is an ugly word and an even uglier concept. This woman obviously did not take her commitment to this child seriously. If our children have problems, we deal with them. If our children are sick, we take care of them. A child so young has so much potential and instead of working with him to make his life better, she sent him packing. I wonder what that child's concept of "family" really is. I wonder how much this incident has harmed him, beyond what has happened to him before. I do believe he needed to be out of that situation. It is obvious he wasn't loved. Today is his birthday. Happy 8th birthday, Justin. Some of us Americans are sorry for what you have had to endure.