Racism In Adoption

Today I want to share an article from a guest blogger, Jen Lane, who is both a biological and adoptive parent.  She has adopted trans-racially and shares a unique perception about racism as it relates to adoption.  I think Jen is insightful and knowledgeable in sharing her story.

"It wasn't until I brought home our most precious African American child five years ago, I realized...although slavery was abolished in 1863....racism still exists.

At the time, I lived in a city of over 100,000 people. I had been around diversity all my life. My best friend in elementary school was African American.  My brothers best friends -- Indian. My best friend in High School -- Mexican. My entire life I have shared friendships with diverse people; Korean, Vietnamese, those of middle eastern decent, and many others.   

My husband of nearly twenty years is Peruvian.  And although I have blond hair, green eyes, and am from Norwegian decent, I never really witnessed many issues concerning ethnicity.  Our biological children, who are bi-racial, were completely undaunted that they were a blend of two races while growing. If anything, they are now proud of their diversity.


But for some reason, it all changed when this fair-skinned mom in her 30's started carrying around our African American adopted daughter.


Looking at the contrast between my daughter and I, even the most ignorant stranger could conclude that I was not her biological mother.  We are about as opposite in color as any two people could be.  But yet, that didn't seem to matter.  The attacks began from complete strangers:  

• Condemning looks.
• Rolling eyes.
• People scanning me up and down with a half upturned lip. 
• Clear disgust.  Rude whispers. Comments.
• Others standing over me, body hovering, trying to look (literally) down on me.
• People staring me in my eyes the entire time I passed, without even a hint of a smile, as if to inflict some kind of shame or condemnation. 
• But, the worst?  The invisible look. From afar, people would see me, but then as I approached, they would turn their heads up and away, brushing past me as if we did not exist.

At first, I was completely dumbfounded. I had been friendly, outgoing, quick to smile and engage in random conversations with strangers all my life.  But now, I was no less than shocked and devastated.  And to be honest, many days I would come home and sit in a heap and just weep at the cruelty of people.  I just couldn't understand it. 


But then, I started noticing patterns.

• Older people seemed much more bothered by our diversity than younger people.
• Men almost always ignored me or glared...especially older men.  Women not as much.
• African-American women were always friendly; smiling, stopping to chat, or just plain helpful.
• In a major metropolitan city nearby, I rarely had issues.
• In the small nearby farm towns, I almost always received degrading looks or comments.
• How I dressed made a difference.
• How I responded mattered.

And I began to realize...

• People were being rude because it empowered them to feel entitled to make judgments.
• Women who have biological children outside of their own race have to deal with this kind of condemnation everyday.
• It was not just me they were condemning, but the color of the skin of my adopted child.
• My daughter, sadly, will likely have to deal with people's bias, condemnation, judgments, & racism her entire life.
• God did not give us a spirit of fear or intimidation..but one of power, love, and a sound mind.
• My daughter was watching my response and would likely grow up to pattern how I interacted with strangers.
• My job is to protect and defend my daughter.  I needed to model maturity, confidence, and faith.
• Again....How I respond mattered.

The biggest, most drastic thing that somehow shifted in me, was my thinking.  Instead of getting defensive, depressed, or angry...I started to love and pray and seek God's counsel.  He seemed to show me the hearts of my accusers and how low of self-worth they must have to want and need to play Messiah on behalf of me and my family. I began to ache for them, want to help them, and love them with a love beyond anything within myself.


I also knew that our daughter was and is a testimony. Our family was no accident and was put together by the hand of God. And God calls us to be confident in the things He calls us to do - in all things bringing glory to Him. 


At first, I started dressing up more.  For some reason, nicely dressed people are perceived more as adoptive parents.  But then, I realized I can't be on defense...I must play offense...So...

• Instead of walking with my head held down, I started standing straight, tall.
• Instead of looking at the floor...I now keep my eyes up, vibrant, alive, engaging.
• When people pass, I always smile; looking people straight in the eyes with love and acceptance.
• If people seem to be curious as to our contrast, I engage in casual conversation opening up doors of communication and understanding.
• Whenever possible, I share our testimony of adoption with hopes to plant seeds, inspire, and advocate for the orphan.
• I stop when little kids stand and stare or touch my daughters skin, and talk to them about diversity and color. (Yes, even if the parents are present and especially if the parents display rejection of my daughter)
• I see every opportunity as a chance to educate, and take it.
• I try to love people and smile even more when they are rude or accusatory or just plain mean.  Even though they still glare as I pass, I keep smiling and walking with my head held high and proud of our family.  Love conquers all sin.
• I teach my daughter about the differences of color, race...the beauty of all of God's creation.
• I tell my daughter daily just how beautiful she is and that she is a princess of the Most High God. 
• I teach my daughter to never walk condemned, looking at the ground. And instead advise her to keep her head held high, looking people straight in the eyes, and answer others respectfully in a strong, confident, self-assured voice.

The onslaught of negative responses I received after adopting our African American child, I would have never expected before adopting. But, now I see that adopting trans-racially is no less than a valuable gift -- a walking billboard, if you will, that opens doors to advocate for adoption.  It has a way of impacting thousands in our lifetime to a population that may not otherwise hear about how God can open homes and hearts to seeking families and, thus, fill hearts.  I cannot say just how many times I have conversations with people "thinking" about adoption.  Then, when they see our family or talk to us about the joys of adoption it becomes a confirmation to what God had been prompting them to do. 


Trans-racial families are unique in that they are...

• Testaments to the diversity and beauty of His creation.
• An opportunity to demonstrate to the world His unconditional love.
• A chance to share about diversity and adoption.
• Walking poster boards of what love can do.

One day we will know just how many kids have been saved and brought into forever homes because our determination to use our family as a way to open doors to conversations about adoption.  Each day we are thankful for the way He has created our family into such a beautiful palette of color for His splendor.  And I know, without a doubt, that if I had to do it all over again, we wouldn't change a thing."

Visit Jen's blog site at http://richfaithrising.blogspot.com/

And thank you, Jen, for opening some eyes, and perhaps hearts, today.

Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward

Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.

Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!

What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.

In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.

How Important is Culture in Trans-Racial Adoption?

These days, many children of color are adopted by Caucasian parents. The fact is, there just aren't enough black families out there to adopt the infants that are available for adoption -- a reversal of the situation for white infants. While every effort is made to place children in homes of the same race, sometimes that's just not possible. Rather than allowing these children to languish in foster care or encourage abortion among minorities, there are loving families who choose to adopt trans-racially. Regardless of parents, every child should have a healthy sense of identity -- of who they are, both as a person and as a part of a larger society. As parents, we can give them security, love, and a sense of who they are morally. If we are of a different race, giving them a sense of their racial identities, their culture, and their history is a bigger challenge.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.

In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.

It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.

As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Last year, early in the morning on March 17, my phone rang. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. by a familiar voice -- one I hadn't heard in a while, but recognized immediately. It's not unusual in my world to get early morning calls, and I have no problem waking up to hear the news of a baby being born. That kind of news never gets old. Rosa was on the phone. Even though she had stopped by the office a few months before, she had not told us she was pregnant. Actually, it was the second time she had called me from the local hospital after giving birth. She knew we were there, and even though she knew the process, waited until the baby was actually born before she called. I'm not sure why she waited, since she already knew us from the previous placement, but some birth moms just don't really want to think about it until it can no longer be put off. So, with the news that she had just given birth to a baby girl, Rosa asked if we could help her find a good family once again. Normally when a full or half sibling is being placed for adoption, we try to check with the family who has the first one, in case the siblings can be together, but in this case since there was no warning, there was no current home study in place, so we began the search for the right family. We didn't have to look far.

Kristin and Keith had experienced a terrible disappointment prior to beginning their adoption process with us. Rosa immediately liked them and wanted to help heal their hearts. They left West Virginia with hope in their hearts and more than a little trepidation. Rosa was so grateful to meet and see them bonding with the baby. It was a lovely match. Soon they got past their fears of another failure and baby Kylie quickly became the center of her parents universe! I have to laugh when I think back on it. Keith actually jumped up to change the first dirty diaper! I imagine that the novelty of that has worn off by now. It was great to have one of our families out here in California and I was able to spend some time with them and enjoyed seeing them happily learning about their first born. Kristin brought tears to my eyes as she said to Keith, who was holding baby Kylie, "Honey, we never could have done anything so perfect." At that moment, a mother was born. I knew that Kristin was as much Kylie's "real" mother as Rosa. I know Rosa knew that too, as she thanked Keith and Kristin for giving Kylie a good life and being her parents.

As it happened, I was headed out to Pittsburgh the following week and they got clearance from ICPC to go home just in the nick of time to fly with me. It was great to hear the flight attendants fussing over baby Kylie. In the airport, a woman came up and looked at Kristin and Keith (who are very light complected Caucasian people) and said to Kristin, "Oh, you look great for just having given birth!". Kristin had us all laughing with her response. She said, "Hellllllo! This baby is Hispanic, so I can't take credit for giving birth, but isn't she beautiful!?". And she is. A little Hispanic leprechan born on St. Patty's Day. Kylie not only got two great parents, she will have an extra "aunt and uncle" and will get to grow up knowing her full sibling, who lives not far away.

So, Kylie's birthday will always be linked with that date for me. Happy first birthday, Kylie! May the road rise up to meet you! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Racial Considerations

With all the talk about the Presidential race, we're hearing about tolerance (or the lack of it) in the media. At various universities and campaign venues around the country, negative racial stereotypes are rearing their ugly heads in response to Barack Obama's candidacy. Even though it is quite possible that Obama will become our next President, the fact remains that, even in this great country of ours, there are still racial barriers. There are still invisible racial lines that are not crossed. How does this affect adoption? The fact is, while there are not enough Caucasian babies for all of the Caucasian families who wish to adopt, there are more African-American babies than there are African-American families to take them. What does this mean for the African-American baby who is being placed for adoption? It means that many of them will go into trans-racial homes. There is nothing wrong with a trans-racial adoption. However, it does come with it's challenges. Every child deserves to know their heritage, where they came from, who they are. Ideally, a child will be matched with a family of the same race. Barring that, a loving home is better than a foster home or no home at all. Can a Caucasian family effectively raise a black child? Certainly. Comedian Tommy Davidson is a good example. He was raised by a white woman who had two white children. He states that he never knew he was different until they moved to Washington D.C., what he terms "the blackest city in America" and the kids started calling his siblings "cracker". When he came home and told his mother, she sat him down and said, "Tommy, I have to tell you now -- you're black". While that sounds comical (and it is when coming from him), it can be devastating to a child to feel out of place (white or black). It happens more often with African-American kids because of the disproportionate number of black families out there adopting them.

The African-American community understandably feels that black children should be raised in black homes. This may be the ideal, but it's not the reality. So, with that knowledge, what can we do to make an adopted child (in this case a black child) feel more included, more welcomed, more a part of a family? Any time there is a trans-racial adoption, parents should be well informed about what they can do to help their child embrace their own culture and heritage. If your child is African-American, provide them with books to read in which the subjects are the same as they are. Provide them with black art. Take them to places where they can see others who resemble them. Provide black role models and influences in their lives. Be aware that even though you can love them, you can't pass on your own heritage alone -- you have to pass on theirs. They deserve nothing less.

The world has come a very long way in the past 40 years. Some of us remember the racial riots in Watts and Chicago. Some of us remember the devastation felt when Martin Luther King was assassinated. I even remember Rosa Parks, a courageous woman who refused to be treated as a second class citizen and literally single-handedly changed the thinking in America. Tomorrow, October 24th, is the third anniversary of her death. In remembrance of Rosa Parks and those who have come after her to blaze the trails of racial equality, think about what you can do to help a child realize their culture and their value, no matter what race they are.