Adopt without Debt

I haven't yet read this book, but I will.  It's intriguing to say the least.  Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming.  I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption.  One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas.  He helped his family to expand.  Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser.  The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them.  They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses.  I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts.  People are getting creative!  Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption.  If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

Go With the Blessing

It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?

After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.

I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.

If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.