Open Letter to a Hospital Social Worker

Dear Hospital Social Worker:
Today you helped seal the fate of a baby who had a chance at a good life. You also participated in breaking the hearts of a family and their son, awaiting a brother. You have no idea what you've done because you don't know the history of the people you are manipulating.  Four months ago, a woman in crisis called for help because she had nowhere to live, no family support, no income, three kids, and she was pregnant. She wanted an abortion. Perhaps we shouldn't have talked her out of it, but we did. She was given some options and she chose adoption. She chose a lovely family and they helped her get on her feet, get a place to stay, and feed her kids. Her own family had kicked her out more than once. She was 41 and has bounced from place to place her whole life due to drug use and familial problems.  Her large family won't help, but they criticize a lot and tell her she's worthless.  You don't know this because you weren't involved.  The adoptive parents talked to her almost daily and she shared a lot. She shared that she had a previous problem with drugs and that she had a warrant out for her arrest because of it.  She had failed to appear in court.  She appeared to be using speed.  A plan was made that after having the baby, she would go in and handle the warrant and try to get her life back on track.  To that end, it was arranged for her to go to a sober living home with two of her three children.  She agreed and felt that was a good plan that the court would applaud.  That was all paid for by the adoptive parents.  They wanted her to succeed.  They knew there was a chance that the child would be born drug-exposed, but they were willing to take him anyway and to help his mother.  They offered to skype, send pictures, and visit with him over time, so that she would feel that she was still a part of his life.  That was incredibly generous of them.  You weren't there for that either.

We arranged for her to be taken to doctor visits, other errands, and for food.  I personally drove hundreds of miles taking her where she needed to go.  We helped her with job searches and arranged for her to be in a 12 step program. Several organizations and multiple individuals helped  financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  We moved her and her kids.  I didn't see you there helping.  All the while she told the adoptive parents how wonderful they were and how grateful she was that they were there for her when her family wasn't. Her family turned their back on her and her own mother told her she would never get a job and that she was worthless.  Meanwhile, several social service organizations, the adoptive parents, myself, and others found ways to help her, taking care of her and making sure she had a plan for the future so that she could support the children she already has. Their life has been hell, moving from place to place, leaving friends, and not having necessities. She knew that she didn't want that for this baby.  She didn't have a home to take him to.

Last night, she told the adoptive mom to have adoptive dad and big brother get on a plane so that they could take the baby today when she was being released from the hospital. You weren't there. We questioned her at that time and asked if she was sure, so that another child wouldn't have his heart broken.  She stated emphatically that she had made a commitment and even though her family wasn't on board, she was going to keep her commitment.  Her family had pressured her to keep the baby, even though they had thrown her out when she was pregnant and told her to abort.  They insisted "no more kids".  This morning, she told the adoptive parents to bring up the car seat and she sat down with the state mandated ASP worker, who is her advocate in the adoption, and signed all the papers.  She didn't waver. You weren't there.

Then you went into the room.  45 minutes later when you emerged, she had changed her mind.  Do you realize that by talking her out of the adoption, this baby will suffer and may be in danger?  She was overheard on the phone telling someone, "they wouldn't give me the Vicodin, but I know someone who can get me pain medication".  You wouldn't let anyone back in the room to talk to her, even to verify that it was HER decision.  You went so far as to make sure armed guards didn't let anyone near her -- the people who had helped her all those months were told to leave.  All along, for months, the plan was the same and she was solid in her desire to do right by her baby and to build a future for her other children.  You are sending her home to live with a dozen other family members in a small one story, three bedroom house where there isn't even enough room for beds for the children and the adults are on air mattresses. Yes, the same one she was kicked out of just a few weeks ago.  You see, her family can't tolerate her for long.  Her mother is overbearing and wants to control.  Her sister is the same.  It's the sister's house. They butt heads until someone has to go and it's always her.  This has been a pattern and the children have suffered as a result, changing homes in the middle of the night, sleeping at the homes of other random people, some drug users, and out on the street.  They watch as their mother does what she has to do to feed them.  They hear it all.  The youngest asked to go with the adoptive mom instead of having to go with his grandmother.  It's all very heartbreaking.  But you weren't there for that either.

There is so much more history and drama in the family that you can't possibly begin to understand what you don't know.  And yet, you forced your will.  How selfish is it to assume that you know what's best for this woman or anyone?  How tragic is it that you altered the life of a little one who could have had a home and a life and opportunities for an education?  Instead, he will be like his brothers.  No preschool, different schools -- several per school year -- and no chance at a higher education.  Now that will make four generations of welfare grads.  You did a disservice not only to this child, but to his mother.  She had a chance to get out of the chaos.  You have sentenced her to a life of addiction.  She would have been able to have a place to live while she got clean and sober, a chance at a decent job and, subsequently, the ability to make a home for her two minor children.  She would have had ongoing support.  She will likely now end up, at some point, being arrested for her warrant.  Her kids may end up with the state or, worse yet, with her family.  The adoptive parents were inconsolable.  They didn't blame her.  They knew you pressured her.  We all did.  They have stated that what this cost them both financially and emotionally won't allow them to adopt again.  She wasn't pressured to place her baby.  She made that decision on her own and she sought out adoptive parents. She was pressured by you to parent and you manipulated her feelings and made her feel like a horrible mom.  In fact, she was being a good mom and providing something more for her child.  You have your own agenda. You didn't see her crying when you left the room.  You didn't see the adoptive parents sobbing in the hallway.  You weren't there when a 6'5" man bent down to try to explain to an 8 year old that the child that the birth mom introduced him to as "your little brother" wasn't coming home, all while crying.  What you did was unprofessional, unethical, and aggressive. If you can sleep tonight, you have no soul.

How Will You Find Me?

I am often asked by adoptive parents, "How do I tell my child he/she is adopted?".  My answer is, you don't make an event of it.  From an early age, you talk to your child about how your family was born.  If your child is from China, you talk about your excitement of going there and finding her.  If your child was placed into your arms by a birth mother, you talk about how she came to the decision and how she picked you and that it was a loving, thoughtful choice.  Each child will have a different adoption story.  How do you start?  I think the earlier the better, so you start by reading a bedtime story.  For that reason, I wrote a book specifically for this purpose.  How Will You Find Me? is a book designed for young children.  Through the magic of animal families, a child can learn that there's more than one way to build a family.  At the end, it asks the question, "How DID you find me?"  Each family can then share their adoption story with their child in a natural progression of the book.  In this way, a child can learn early on how they came into their family and what a joy their parents felt when they came home.  Years later, when someone asks them, "How did you find out you were adopted?", they can answer, "I always knew".

www.howwillyoufindme.com

Adoption, Abortion, and Elections

It's been a long time since I've blogged!  I guess I got out of the habit of writing something every week and perhaps had exhausted my range of topics.  The topic I am going to discuss today is going to be controversial, but I think it bears some thought, especially as to how it relates to adoption.  I hate politics, although I'm glued to the national conventions as if they were train wrecks...oh, they are!  Are we better off than we were four years ago?  I haven't met anyone who thinks so.  How has the past four years affected adoption?  President Obama is pro-abortion.  The number of abortions is way up.  That is one part of the equation.  Then there is the economy.  Women who previously would have tried to parent and then eventually decided on adoption as a better option are figuring out very early in the pregnancy that they won't be able to parent due to financial constraints.  It's so early that they can justify making a decision for abortion and they are, thus, aborting (in record numbers). Fewer babies, lower birth rate, higher abortions...well that all equates to less babies for adoption.

I know there are many women who don't want their abortion "rights" taken away.  Mitt Romney is pro-life and so is Paul Ryan.  That doesn't mean they will even be able to change the law, as congress has a say.  Just because they get elected doesn't mean that abortions will cease to exist in this country.  I'm not sure that will ever happen.  But it would be nice to limit them and it would be beneficial to women to understand better what is happening when a baby is aborted.  Planned Parenthood would call it "products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue".  They don't call it "pregnancy tissue" when it pops out screaming and wiggling.  "Products of conception" ARE babies.

I am not condemning women who choose abortion.  I think only God can do that.  However, I praise women who have the courage to deliver a baby that wasn't planned and place it in the arms of another woman who may have fertility issues.  That is a gift few people can give -- the gift of life.  I think that's a much more healthy (physically, emotionally, and medically) way to handle an unplanned pregnancy.  Just because a baby is a surprise doesn't mean the child isn't a blessing.  Please consider all this when you vote in this November's Presidential election.  There are hundreds of thousands of souls counting on you.

"Planned" Parenthood

I am always stunned by the notion that abortion is safe and that women are better for having the "right" to do it.  Abortion is detrimental to women in so many ways.  If a woman physically survives the abortion of her baby, she then has to live with the emotional scars it leaves.  Whether a woman is affected immediately or later on, when she has children and realizes that one of them has died at her hands, she suffers emotional trauma.  While a few men experience the trauma of losing a child, they don't ever have the guilt that comes from knowing they have actually done it themselves.  I've counseled women in the past who have stated that they can never forgive themselves after years of anxiety about going through with an abortion.  That is a heavy price to pay.

The Journal Lancet recently published a study on abortion and shared the following facts; Abortion rates are lower in Western Europe, where 12 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted, in contrast to the United States, where 19 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted.  Globally, the rate is 28 out of every 1,000 babies die of abortion.  Nearly 50,000 women a year die from complications of abortion.  That seems like an outrageous number until you realize that nearly 45 MILLION babies are aborted annually.  The fact is, there are no safe abortions.  Abortion risks the life of the mother and takes the life of a child.  Planned Parenthood talks about the "products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue", rather than using the term "baby" or "life", when in fact, there is a life in there.  There is a beating heart.  And recently, children as early as 24 weeks have survived with minor complications, when they could legally be aborted at that stage.  In my opinion, that is just disgusting.  I'm all about birth control and planned pregnancies.  But when that goes awry, a life is created and should be nurtured.  There is no shame in not being able to parent at any given time.  Turn a negative situation into a positive gift.  Give life, then give the gift of a lifetime to someone who really wants a family and has the ability to parent.

BOOK REVIEW

Adoptive parents want to be able to share their child's adoption story in a way that isn't traumatic or sensationalistic.  Using a book or two to open the conversation and plant the seed so that they can explain their own child's presence in their family and how they got there is one of the ways to do that.  Very young children can grasp the concept when told in simple terms how they became a part of their family.  "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis opens the door to discussion about adoption and how it came to be.  It talks about the phone call, the excitement, the plane flight, the hospital, and many firsts.  It provides an opportunity to talk about each of the aspects of that exciting time with the child and to provide the details of his or her specific birth and adoption.  It should be a part of every adopted child's library and can be purchased through Amazon.com on this site.  Along those lines, we will have another story book coming out very soon that deals with the same topic in poem form, with an animal perspective.  I would love to hear if anyone has books that they recommend to help a child adapt to the concept of adoption.  A child should never be able to say "I was told I was adopted when I was (a certain age) ...", citing the precise moment they found out. They should be able to say that they have always known they were adopted for as long as they could remember. 

Adoption Services or Baby Selling?

As an adoption professional, we network with other adoption facilitators, agencies, and attorneys in order to locate families or birth mothers for specific situations.  With the recent rise in abortion rates and drop in the national birth rate, there have been fewer situations overall for everyone.  I think that is responsible for some desperation in the adoption world.  Lately, I have been stunned at some of the e-mails that have arrived in my in box.  Typically, the birth mothers have their choice of families (as it should be), but a recent e-mail outlined a situation with an agency in which a Caucasian baby boy was being placed for adoption.  After a mind-boggling list of exorbitant expenses, the child could be had for a mere $42,000.00.  I am baffled.  How is this not baby selling?  Is it simply because an agency is offering the situation?  The note insinuated that anyone interested and prepared to pay the fees could have the closed situation.  Another e-mail offered a special needs baby for a fee of $32,000.00.  Since when did we put a price tag on infants?  While I am well aware that there are legitimate expenses including agency expenses and fees, and some potential birth mother expenses (none of those fees were for medical, by the way), these fees are way out of the ballpark.  In the past, we have charged zero for special needs situations, just as a means to find a good family for a hard to place infant.  That someone would charge such obviously inflated fees to families willing to take on a challenge is amazing to me.  Why does it seem that adoption has become so outrageously expensive?  Every agency and facilitator I know is struggling with the downturn in the number of adoptions, but fees up into the 40K and 50K range that used to be unheard of are becoming all too common.  We need to have some national adoption laws because leaving it up to the states has been a fiasco.  Adoptive parents in Indiana don't have the same rights as adoptive parents in California, and birth mothers in Pennsylvania and Ohio aren't able to get the support that those in Nebraska or Missouri do.  We won't even talk about birth father rights in Utah since they are basically non-existant.  I think caps on the amounts that can be charged need to be in place, as well as some uniform laws about offering situations on line for specific fees.  All agencies have or can locate families to adopt if fees are reasonable.  There is no need for a baby to go to the highest bidder.

Racism In Adoption

Today I want to share an article from a guest blogger, Jen Lane, who is both a biological and adoptive parent.  She has adopted trans-racially and shares a unique perception about racism as it relates to adoption.  I think Jen is insightful and knowledgeable in sharing her story.

"It wasn't until I brought home our most precious African American child five years ago, I realized...although slavery was abolished in 1863....racism still exists.

At the time, I lived in a city of over 100,000 people. I had been around diversity all my life. My best friend in elementary school was African American.  My brothers best friends -- Indian. My best friend in High School -- Mexican. My entire life I have shared friendships with diverse people; Korean, Vietnamese, those of middle eastern decent, and many others.   

My husband of nearly twenty years is Peruvian.  And although I have blond hair, green eyes, and am from Norwegian decent, I never really witnessed many issues concerning ethnicity.  Our biological children, who are bi-racial, were completely undaunted that they were a blend of two races while growing. If anything, they are now proud of their diversity.


But for some reason, it all changed when this fair-skinned mom in her 30's started carrying around our African American adopted daughter.


Looking at the contrast between my daughter and I, even the most ignorant stranger could conclude that I was not her biological mother.  We are about as opposite in color as any two people could be.  But yet, that didn't seem to matter.  The attacks began from complete strangers:  

• Condemning looks.
• Rolling eyes.
• People scanning me up and down with a half upturned lip. 
• Clear disgust.  Rude whispers. Comments.
• Others standing over me, body hovering, trying to look (literally) down on me.
• People staring me in my eyes the entire time I passed, without even a hint of a smile, as if to inflict some kind of shame or condemnation. 
• But, the worst?  The invisible look. From afar, people would see me, but then as I approached, they would turn their heads up and away, brushing past me as if we did not exist.

At first, I was completely dumbfounded. I had been friendly, outgoing, quick to smile and engage in random conversations with strangers all my life.  But now, I was no less than shocked and devastated.  And to be honest, many days I would come home and sit in a heap and just weep at the cruelty of people.  I just couldn't understand it. 


But then, I started noticing patterns.

• Older people seemed much more bothered by our diversity than younger people.
• Men almost always ignored me or glared...especially older men.  Women not as much.
• African-American women were always friendly; smiling, stopping to chat, or just plain helpful.
• In a major metropolitan city nearby, I rarely had issues.
• In the small nearby farm towns, I almost always received degrading looks or comments.
• How I dressed made a difference.
• How I responded mattered.

And I began to realize...

• People were being rude because it empowered them to feel entitled to make judgments.
• Women who have biological children outside of their own race have to deal with this kind of condemnation everyday.
• It was not just me they were condemning, but the color of the skin of my adopted child.
• My daughter, sadly, will likely have to deal with people's bias, condemnation, judgments, & racism her entire life.
• God did not give us a spirit of fear or intimidation..but one of power, love, and a sound mind.
• My daughter was watching my response and would likely grow up to pattern how I interacted with strangers.
• My job is to protect and defend my daughter.  I needed to model maturity, confidence, and faith.
• Again....How I respond mattered.

The biggest, most drastic thing that somehow shifted in me, was my thinking.  Instead of getting defensive, depressed, or angry...I started to love and pray and seek God's counsel.  He seemed to show me the hearts of my accusers and how low of self-worth they must have to want and need to play Messiah on behalf of me and my family. I began to ache for them, want to help them, and love them with a love beyond anything within myself.


I also knew that our daughter was and is a testimony. Our family was no accident and was put together by the hand of God. And God calls us to be confident in the things He calls us to do - in all things bringing glory to Him. 


At first, I started dressing up more.  For some reason, nicely dressed people are perceived more as adoptive parents.  But then, I realized I can't be on defense...I must play offense...So...

• Instead of walking with my head held down, I started standing straight, tall.
• Instead of looking at the floor...I now keep my eyes up, vibrant, alive, engaging.
• When people pass, I always smile; looking people straight in the eyes with love and acceptance.
• If people seem to be curious as to our contrast, I engage in casual conversation opening up doors of communication and understanding.
• Whenever possible, I share our testimony of adoption with hopes to plant seeds, inspire, and advocate for the orphan.
• I stop when little kids stand and stare or touch my daughters skin, and talk to them about diversity and color. (Yes, even if the parents are present and especially if the parents display rejection of my daughter)
• I see every opportunity as a chance to educate, and take it.
• I try to love people and smile even more when they are rude or accusatory or just plain mean.  Even though they still glare as I pass, I keep smiling and walking with my head held high and proud of our family.  Love conquers all sin.
• I teach my daughter about the differences of color, race...the beauty of all of God's creation.
• I tell my daughter daily just how beautiful she is and that she is a princess of the Most High God. 
• I teach my daughter to never walk condemned, looking at the ground. And instead advise her to keep her head held high, looking people straight in the eyes, and answer others respectfully in a strong, confident, self-assured voice.

The onslaught of negative responses I received after adopting our African American child, I would have never expected before adopting. But, now I see that adopting trans-racially is no less than a valuable gift -- a walking billboard, if you will, that opens doors to advocate for adoption.  It has a way of impacting thousands in our lifetime to a population that may not otherwise hear about how God can open homes and hearts to seeking families and, thus, fill hearts.  I cannot say just how many times I have conversations with people "thinking" about adoption.  Then, when they see our family or talk to us about the joys of adoption it becomes a confirmation to what God had been prompting them to do. 


Trans-racial families are unique in that they are...

• Testaments to the diversity and beauty of His creation.
• An opportunity to demonstrate to the world His unconditional love.
• A chance to share about diversity and adoption.
• Walking poster boards of what love can do.

One day we will know just how many kids have been saved and brought into forever homes because our determination to use our family as a way to open doors to conversations about adoption.  Each day we are thankful for the way He has created our family into such a beautiful palette of color for His splendor.  And I know, without a doubt, that if I had to do it all over again, we wouldn't change a thing."

Visit Jen's blog site at http://richfaithrising.blogspot.com/

And thank you, Jen, for opening some eyes, and perhaps hearts, today.

Adopt without Debt

I haven't yet read this book, but I will.  It's intriguing to say the least.  Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming.  I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption.  One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas.  He helped his family to expand.  Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser.  The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them.  They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses.  I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts.  People are getting creative!  Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption.  If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.

Choose Life

Bravo to Texas lawmakers who have approved legislation authorizing “choose life” license plates.  The plates will be sold to raise money to help pregnant mothers choose adoption over abortion.  While critics may say it puts lawmakers on one side of the argument, that has been the case for the other side for years.  I think anyone who is pro-choice should be glad that there is yet another choice and that choice may save a life.  Also in Texas, a bill requiring a woman seeking an abortion to view sonogram images of her fetus at least 24 hours prior to a planned abortion tentatively passed the state Senate in a vote of 21-10.  Informed consent is required in all surgeries, so why not abortion?  A woman should know exactly what she is aborting.  Planned Parenthood, the leading abortion provider in the country, doesn’t want her to see that her baby is not simply “pregnancy tissue” or “products of conception”.  A beating heart tells a different story.  Victims of rape and incest would not be required to view the sonogram if they opted not to.   Watch for Planned Parenthood to fight this bill with whatever means they can.  It can and will cut into their profits.

The Nebraska legislature is also taking some positive steps.  A bill sponsored by Sen. Beau McCoy would exclude abortion coverage from all private insurance policies sold in that state.  Those who wish to purchase abortion coverage would only be allowed to do so with an optional rider paid for solely by the insured.  Lawmakers in Kansas are moving to do the same thing.  It’s about time that taxpayers were taken off the hook for abortions that some of us don’t wish to fund.  Five states already prohibit abortion coverage in basic policies.  Those states are Missouri, Idaho, North Dakota, Oklahoma, and Kentucky.  The Hippocratic oath that doctors take requires them to swear that they will “do no harm”.  In the original Hippocratic oath, doctors were required to swear that “I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion”.   It seems that some don’t take their oath very seriously, so legislation may be the only way to protect the unborn.