Adoption Issues - And The Research Shows....

Economists from the California Institute of Technology (CalTech), the London School of Economics, and New York University have conducted a formal study and have discovered what those of us in the adoption field have known for years. It's nice to know that our suspicions are validated! The researchers, in a study that lasted over a five year period, found that the study revealed several distinct patterns.

First, Non-African-American babies are seven times more likely to attract the interest of an American adoptive parent than an African-American baby. Second, female children are more attractive to adoptive parents overall than male children, by more than 33%. Thirdly, gestation comes into play. The interest of an adoptive family will increase with the length of gestation. In other words, children are more desirable if they are due immediately versus earlier in the pregnancy. The desirability of a child decreases after they are born and continues to decrease.

Anyone who works in the field of adoption knows that there is greater demand for girls and that it's harder to place minority children. Ironically, many birth moms do not have ultrasounds prior to choosing a family, so often the gender is unknown at the time of the match. For those waiting for specific genders - always more families waiting for girls than boys - it can be difficult to match when the gender is known in only a small percentage when matching. Of course, many find out later on the gender of the baby they are carrying, particularly if pre-natal care is started later on in the pregnancy. That doesn't help us in the matching process!

I have my own theories, but I would love to know the reason(s)that girls are in higher demand than boys. If you thought about carrying the family name, the opposite should be true. However, that is not the case with adoption. Almost always if an adoptive family has a boy, if they have a preference for their second child, it is for a girl. On the other hand, many adoptive families who have a girl want another girl, rather than a boy. The "ideal" family used to be described as Mom, Dad, a boy and a girl. Not so much these days.

The studies have shown that American parents pursuing adoption tend to avoid taking African-American babies and boys. When ultrasounds are done, boys are more easily identified (sometimes it's not easy to identify whether the child is a girl or a boy with undescended testes), so we see more identified boys or unidentified gender babies even when ultrasounds have been done. More irony - there is a higher demand for girls, but it's easier to identify boys. On top of that, more boys are being placed than girls and perhaps that equates to more boys being born than girls, since much of the time birth moms make the choice to make an adoption plan before they know the gender. An old wives tale says that "In a time of war, more baby boys are born to replace those males lost in battle". While we can wonder how Mother Nature would know that, it seems to ring true if you look at the birth rates. So we have more baby boys and minority babies, while the demand is for the opposite.

So, hats off to the researchers who found this phenomenon to be true. I'm going to e-mail them and ask why it's true! For those who are waiting for a specific gender baby, particularly girls, -- this is why it takes more time to find them.

The Gender Selection Debate

My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.

There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.

While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.

So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.

Birth - An Out Of Body Experience

The last couple of weeks have been busy ones. Usually in life, and in adoption particularly, it seems that the boys generally outnumber the girls, but it's been a good week and we've had two girls born and another one should make her appearance on Thursday this week. We're happy to have any baby God has in store for us, but girls are hard to find for adoptive parents who have a preference, so we're happy we have a few new baby girls in the world. Ironically, those parents who have a preference for baby girls outnumber the parents who have a preference for baby boys. Of course, plenty of adoptive parents don't have a preference, so there is a good match for everyone out there.

Many adoption professionals don't work with families who have a preference, perhaps feeling that if you give birth, you can't choose. However, we feel that as long as a family is willing to take a chance that the sonogram might be wrong and go with flow, we'll work with families who have a gender preference. Most families want a particular gender because they already have one (or more) of the opposite gender. It's understandable that families want the gender they don't have, and with adoptive parents who have been through so much with infertility treatments and perhaps failed pregnancies, it seems only fair that they have an advantage somewhere. It's just important that they know that gender selection can take much longer, since only a small percentage of birth moms are going to know the gender before they match.

This year, there has been a strange phenomena. We've had a few birth moms give birth at home on the floor or in their bed, and not on purpose. It can be very risky when this happens. In one situation, there was a cord looped around the baby's neck -- a very dangerous situation for those who haven't been trained in childbirth and infant resuscitation. This last week, a birth mom in Michigan was at home and everything was perfectly normal. She didn't have labor pains, just a sudden urge to push. Out popped a baby girl and birth mom was alone and had to cut her own cord and call for paramedics. I can't help but think that had to be traumatic with no one there to help, but baby and birth mom are fine.

Of course when babies are born at home without the benefit of a nurse or midwife, there is a greater chance of infection or sepsis, so antibiotics are generally administered in order to keep the infant healthy and stave off infection. Most women who have given birth probably can't imagine this scenario because with first babies, it's not unusual for the pushing alone to take a couple of hours. Average first labors can last around 12 hours.

So, Brian and Bridgette, congratulations and welcome baby Haley! I have a feeling that you may be dealing with a little girl who will get where she wants to go in a hurry. Put on your running shoes! We can't wait to meet her.