Adoption, Abortion, and Elections

It's been a long time since I've blogged!  I guess I got out of the habit of writing something every week and perhaps had exhausted my range of topics.  The topic I am going to discuss today is going to be controversial, but I think it bears some thought, especially as to how it relates to adoption.  I hate politics, although I'm glued to the national conventions as if they were train wrecks...oh, they are!  Are we better off than we were four years ago?  I haven't met anyone who thinks so.  How has the past four years affected adoption?  President Obama is pro-abortion.  The number of abortions is way up.  That is one part of the equation.  Then there is the economy.  Women who previously would have tried to parent and then eventually decided on adoption as a better option are figuring out very early in the pregnancy that they won't be able to parent due to financial constraints.  It's so early that they can justify making a decision for abortion and they are, thus, aborting (in record numbers). Fewer babies, lower birth rate, higher abortions...well that all equates to less babies for adoption.

I know there are many women who don't want their abortion "rights" taken away.  Mitt Romney is pro-life and so is Paul Ryan.  That doesn't mean they will even be able to change the law, as congress has a say.  Just because they get elected doesn't mean that abortions will cease to exist in this country.  I'm not sure that will ever happen.  But it would be nice to limit them and it would be beneficial to women to understand better what is happening when a baby is aborted.  Planned Parenthood would call it "products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue".  They don't call it "pregnancy tissue" when it pops out screaming and wiggling.  "Products of conception" ARE babies.

I am not condemning women who choose abortion.  I think only God can do that.  However, I praise women who have the courage to deliver a baby that wasn't planned and place it in the arms of another woman who may have fertility issues.  That is a gift few people can give -- the gift of life.  I think that's a much more healthy (physically, emotionally, and medically) way to handle an unplanned pregnancy.  Just because a baby is a surprise doesn't mean the child isn't a blessing.  Please consider all this when you vote in this November's Presidential election.  There are hundreds of thousands of souls counting on you.

"Planned" Parenthood

I am always stunned by the notion that abortion is safe and that women are better for having the "right" to do it.  Abortion is detrimental to women in so many ways.  If a woman physically survives the abortion of her baby, she then has to live with the emotional scars it leaves.  Whether a woman is affected immediately or later on, when she has children and realizes that one of them has died at her hands, she suffers emotional trauma.  While a few men experience the trauma of losing a child, they don't ever have the guilt that comes from knowing they have actually done it themselves.  I've counseled women in the past who have stated that they can never forgive themselves after years of anxiety about going through with an abortion.  That is a heavy price to pay.

The Journal Lancet recently published a study on abortion and shared the following facts; Abortion rates are lower in Western Europe, where 12 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted, in contrast to the United States, where 19 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted.  Globally, the rate is 28 out of every 1,000 babies die of abortion.  Nearly 50,000 women a year die from complications of abortion.  That seems like an outrageous number until you realize that nearly 45 MILLION babies are aborted annually.  The fact is, there are no safe abortions.  Abortion risks the life of the mother and takes the life of a child.  Planned Parenthood talks about the "products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue", rather than using the term "baby" or "life", when in fact, there is a life in there.  There is a beating heart.  And recently, children as early as 24 weeks have survived with minor complications, when they could legally be aborted at that stage.  In my opinion, that is just disgusting.  I'm all about birth control and planned pregnancies.  But when that goes awry, a life is created and should be nurtured.  There is no shame in not being able to parent at any given time.  Turn a negative situation into a positive gift.  Give life, then give the gift of a lifetime to someone who really wants a family and has the ability to parent.

Adoption Now and Then

It's been a while since I blogged.  I guess between the holidays, end of year, and the new year, I have been more busy than ever.  I'm going to get back into the swing of things.

Years ago, adoption was a dirty word.  You only said it in a whisper when you were talking about someone who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  It was a shameful thing because it meant someone was in trouble.  Girls who got pregnant were sent off to maternity homes or an aunt or grandma half way across the country -- the further the better.  When they came back six months later, everyone pretended that they believed whatever story was concocted to cover it up.  Women placing their babies had horrible experiences, many times not even being allowed to see the baby they had just given birth to.  Some were never even told the gender.  The baby was taken away -- spirited from the room, nurses and doctors talking in hushed tones.


In the nursery, instead of putting a last name on the card, it would say Baby Girl BUFA or Baby Boy BUFA, meaning "baby up for adoption".  I cringe at the fact that this is still used today in some hospitals.  It seems ignorant to me.  There are no illegitimate babies.  They are all legitimate.  They didn't get to determine the circumstances under which they were born and they are born without fault.

Years ago, I attended an American Adoption Congress meeting in Nashville and attended lectures given by various adoption professionals and adoptees.  I will never forget some of the stories told there.  I was moved by one woman who, without her consent, had her child taken from her as soon as she gave birth.  It was involuntary, but her father insisted, and she was a minor and so it was done.  She was never allowed to grieve, never allowed to talk about the baby or make reference to her.  I remember her saying "My father took my child away from me then, but he couldn't keep her away from me forever"....she managed to find her after 40 years.  She thought about that child every day, and she never forgave her father.

This all came back to me as I listened today as Oprah described how she recently found out something she had never known.  Her mother gave up a baby for adoption secretly.  As was the case at the time, she told no one and Oprah, living with her father, never knew she had another sister. She was divorced and couldn't afford another child, and so this was the choice she made.  Oprah has clearly been stunned by the revelation. You can imagine how she must feel deceived by her mother.  Her younger sister is named Patricia, the same name as another sister who has since died.  Patricia was able to piece together information that eventually lead her to believe that she had the same mother as Oprah.  It turned out to be true. She tried for a while to get into contact and finally spoke with Oprah's aunt.  After DNA testing, she knew she was Oprah's half-sister.

Everyone should know where they came from.  Everyone deserves that.  That's why open adoption is so much more healthy than the closed adoptions of the past.  Adoption needs to come out of the closet.  It's not shameful and it's not something to be hidden. Virtually all of us have been touched by adoption.  I'm happy that Patricia was able to find her birth family and happy that Oprah has been able to connect with the sister who she never knew about.  Congratulations to all of them.

Methamphetamine Use in Pregnancy

Having worked in Labor and Delivery and the field of adoption, over the years I have attended many deliveries. No matter how many I see, it's still a very emotional, touching time when a child comes into the world. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to attend a delivery locally. After months of being matched, birth mom and adoptive couple were more than ready to have a baby. The delivery itself pretty much went off without a hitch. Everyone who needed to be present was there. The adoptive father just made it with less than a half hour to spare, but was there to see a beautiful baby girl enter the world. The baby who would call him "Daddy". The pictures I took of the adoptive parents holding their new baby said it all -- complete with tears of joy and shock that they had just become parents.

Right after delivery, the baby was quickly bundled up and covered to keep her warm. Once she was passed around the room and everyone had a chance to say hello, she was taken to the warmer to be unbundled, weighed, measured, and bathed. It was then that I heard the nursery nurse softly say to another nurse, "Have you ever seen that?". "No" was the answer. These were seasoned nurses and I knew that there was likely an anomaly. I made my way over to the warmer to check and see what they were talking about. This beautiful baby girl, born only moments earlier, had a condition called "microtia", in which the outer ear is not formed and there is no external auditory canal opening. Upon hearing that there was a problem, the birth mother stated, "I did this to her -- it's my fault". While everyone in the room heard the comment, it didn't register right away. Did she do this to the baby?

Earlier in the pregnancy, when the birth mom came to my office, she was excitable, fidgety, nervous, and couldn't sit still. She was scratching repeatedly and at that time I was concerned about Methamphetamine use and asked her. She stated openly that both she and the birth father had used drugs, including Methamphetamine, in the past, but that she was not using it currently. The adoptive parents and I had talked often and openly about the possibility.

After the birth, the adoptive parents wanted to get home and have the baby evaluated at the earliest possible moment and once they were free to leave the state and go home, they immediately made appointments with doctors at a medical center not far from their home, considered one of the top children's hospitals in the country. Thankfully, there are specialists there who are very experienced in treating this condition. Upon meeting with the doctor, the first question asked was "Was there Methamphetamine use during the pregnancy?".

The stats are staggering. 40% of all active drug users in the U.S. are Meth addicts. They outnumber alcoholics and pot smokers by far. Who are meth users? Anyone. Students use it to stay up late and study. It helps them stay awake and presumably to concentrate. Others just enjoy the high of being on speed. Women often try it to lose weight. You lose weight and more. You lose the ability to make rational decisions. You lose your job and your financial freedom. You can lose your family and friends. You can lose your life.

What effect does Meth us have on a developing fetus? In women who are pregnant and use Meth, risks to the fetus include premature delivery, low birth weight, cerebral infarctions (resulting from reduced blood flow to the fetal brain or by direct toxic effects), congenital anomalies (including cleft lip/palate, microcephaly, microtia, coloboma of the iris, choanal atresia, and cardiac defects). In addition, neonates affected by maternal Methamphetamine use may exhibit abnormal reflexes, extreme irritability, increased muscle tone, tremors, lethargy, poor feeding, and abnormal sleep.

We haven't seen many Meth babies, but the most common risk in using Meth during pregnancy is prematurity. When mothers use Meth during pregnancy, they can go into labor early, and it is difficult (if not impossible) to stop the early labor with traditional methods. If a baby is born too early and with insufficient lung maturity, that fact alone can cause death or many other complications.

When a baby is born with unexpected complications and an adoption is pending, there is a moment of pause and consideration for the challenges about to take place in taking care of a special needs infant. I was impressed when this couple immediately took on the challenge and never waivered, at least outwardly, in their commitment to adopt this child. Initial shock was replaced by quiet resolve. This baby will get the best medical care possible. It's going to be a bit of an uphill battle. Her surgery can't take place for years, so she must be fitted with a special band around her head which will enable her to make out sounds. Because "hearing aids" are not covered by insurance, it will be a $2,000.00 out of pocket medical expense for her parents. Certainly, this is just the beginning. But they are committed to giving their daughter a wonderful life and all of the benefits modern medicine has to offer. Mom is a nurse. I've always said that I believe there are no accidents and babies always seem to find the right home. This situation, while uncommon, is no exception. She is where she needs to be.

Methamphetamine is the most used illicit drug of our day. It is so highly addictive that we are going to see more and more people addicted over time. While studies are relatively new and there isn't a lot of long-term data, we don't know what we don't know. There may be many more complications we haven't yet seen. Alcohol has long been considered the worst drug for a gestating baby. Methamphetamine may be just as dangerous when used during critical times during pregnancy. I realize that those who are addicted are going to have a difficult time when told not to do it during pregnancy. However, if you are going to go through and entire pregnancy to preserve the life of that child and also to go through with an adoption plan with an adoptive family, remind yourself that one day of Meth use, a few drinks at the wrong time during gestation, or any exposure at all can cause irreversible damage.

Note: While researching the effects of Methamphetamine, I came across many terms that are used to put a name to the drug. The terms in use are "meth, crystal meth, speed, chalk, go fast, tina, ice crystal, and glass". Can you imagine my horror? I don't want my name associated with anything so sinister and harmful. So, if you're ever referring to "Methamphetamine", please don't call it "Tina".

Depo Provera - Birth Control or Fertility Drug?

As you might imagine in adoption, birth control and fertility issues are often topics of discussion in my world. Over the past few years, I have observed that most birth moms weren't irresponsible or careless. Their birth control method simply failed. Which method seems to fail the most? By a landslide, Depo Provera. I have often joked that with a little tweaking, it could become the next fertility drug. Whenever I am contacted by a birth mom who wants to make an adoption plan, we discuss everything - from the timing of the pregnancy and the birth father, to her future plans and birth control. Much of the time, there was an effort to prevent pregnancy. In the literature, it says that Depo Provera is 97% effective in prevention of pregnancy. I'm not sure why, then, a preponderance of birth moms who call have been on it. It would seem that the 97% figure isn't even close to the true percentages. A friend of mine went on Depo for a short period of time. She experienced one of the many listed side effects, bleeding during the course of the medication. The Depo shot is administered every three months. My friend experienced moderate bleeding for the entire three months. She said it was like having a period the whole time. So, then, it's no wonder it should be a successful form of birth control. It's not surprising that a woman wouldn't feel like participating in the kind of activities that would cause pregnancy while consistently bleeding. However, for those who are able to tolerate it and are sexually active, it seems that pregnancy is a real risk. The other side effects of Depo Provera are abdominal pain or discomfort, weight changes, headache, asthenia (weakness or fatigue), and nervousness -- all symptoms which can also be attributed to pregnancy, and which mask a pregnancy should it occur. I know a few babies who are testimony to that.

One study found an association between using Depo-Provera and higher incidence of chlamydia and gonorrhea. I'm not sure how other methods of birth control fared in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's apparent that women who are on birth control seem to get a feeling of security about not getting pregnant that also crosses over to sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously, that's where condoms are a better choice. They are, according to the literature, when used correctly, almost as effective as Depo. In reality, I believe they are much safer in terms of preventing pregnancy, and certainly safer than other methods for preventing STD's.

It would be interesting to see a current research study done on unplanned pregnancies which include the forms of birth control used and the failure rates of each. In the meantime, if you want to get pregnant, try Depo Provera. It seems to work.

A Sad Day

Today is just a sad day. Everywhere I look there is news that is just...sad.

The situation in the Gulf is making me feel sick. Our beautiful pelicans, sea turtles, birds, fish, and wildlife are all coated with oil and many are dying. The oil isn't just on the surface. It is throughout the entire mile high water column. Everything that comes in contact with it is endangered. Fish can't breathe as it gets in their gills. Birds can't fly. Turtles are washing up on the beaches. Where is our government? I guess I put too much faith in those who have the power to do something. I understand the desire to drill for oil. I just don't understand why it is allowed a mile under the ocean where it can't be repaired to stopped in a crisis such as this. On land, this would have been capped quickly. It is polluting the Gulf, killing the animals, destroying white sand beaches. Those responsible say it may take another two months before the leak is stopped. It has been six weeks and 30% of the gulf is not safe for fishing at this point. How can they allow it to go on for so long? Our President has said that BP, British Petroleum,will have to pay for the entire clean up, so why not call in every expert available to get the problem solved and then bill it back to British Petroleum? BP is taking heat for the billions in dividends they were planning to pay their stock holders. Of course, they were going to do this without consideration for how much money they would need on hand to pay for the clean up. All the while, our President, our Congress, and even the States along the Gulf, seem to be sitting back and allowing the company who caused the problem sit around trying to figure out how to fix it.

Further South, Joran van der Sloot, the Dutch man who was suspected in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway five years ago, has been taken into custody after fleeing Peru. Exactly five years to the day after Natalie went missing without a trace in Aruba, A young Peruvian woman was killed and found in van der Sloot's hotel room. Her neck had been snapped and she had been beaten. She died on the floor and was left there, presumably by van der Sloot. Witnesses saw her enter the room with him, but she never left. I'm not sure what kind of a defense you can have after two young women mysteriously turn up dead, but it's obvious that this is young man has issues. Like O.J., he may have a good legal team, but everyone knows who did it.

Speaking of our government, a government survey released by the CDC yesterday indicated that a growing number of teen girls are using the "rhythm" method to avoid pregnancy. Since most teens (64% of boys and 70% of girls) think it's okay for an unmarried female to have a baby, it's a risk they seem to be willing to take. The teen pregnancy rate, is no longer dropping as it was in years past. 17% of teen girls are saying that they use the rhythm method of birth control. The study showed that 42% of never-married teens had had sex. Since that includes young teens, we can safely assume that most teens over the age of 15 are having sex. My high school health teacher had a saying that I still remember;

QUESTION: "What do you call a teen who uses the rhythm method?"
ANSWER: "A parent".

We're doing a placement with two small children this week. Birth mom is a 23 year old young woman who has given birth to five children. She stated to me that "I had five kids before I knew what what happening". Now, with no father in sight and no help from family and no job because she can't afford day care care for five children, she is having to make this difficult decision. She has already given up her youngest, now a 1 year old. The 2 year old and 3 year old will be placed with an adoptive family next week. She is going to parent the first two, ages 5 and 4. How do you explain to children that age what happened, why, and where their siblings are? It's a difficult and sad situation for everyone. I don't think the rhythm method is working and expecting teens to be abstinent in such a sexually-charged society seems naive. Beyond birth control, young people are taking risks with their health. A pregnancy ends in 40 weeks. Some STD's are forever. We can't presume that they get it. If you have teens, you should probably have "the talk" ...weekly.

Adoption Issues - The Economic Impact on Adoption

Over the 15 years I have been doing adoptions, private independent adoption has changed a great deal. Part of that may just be evolution, but the economy has played a huge part in changing the scope of domestic adoption. Many of us involved in adoptions believed that with a poor economy, we would have more adoptions. Birth mothers who were having trouble with finances would have to face some tough decisions with the economy getting worse and worse. On the contrary, what actually happened was that the birth rate went down and the abortion rate went up. While current statistics are showing an increase in teen pregnancy, not many teens actually place their babies for adoption. If they are not prepared to parent, their parents are typically young enough to help. Those who would be birth parents in a better economic time are simply opting not to get pregnant or to abort if they do. I think that someone who may have considered parenting and then realized that financially they couldn't do it, are not getting that far now. They know right up front that they can't do it financially (who can?), so they are more careful not to have an accidental pregnancy or they opt for the alternative. The actual birth rate today is at the lowest it has been since the great depression.

What does this mean? It means that independent private adoptions are slow everywhere. I just finished reading an article which detailed the closure of an adoption agency in England that had been in operation for 45 years. They just don't have the adoption rates that they used to have and they can't pay their bills or afford to stay in business. That has happened here too. Last year, some major adoption agencies closed their doors. One of them, Commonwealth Adoptions, had offices in multiple states and was a longstanding agency.

How has this impacted waiting families? Families are understandably distressed with the longer wait. Some are looking to multiple avenues, but are still hitting dead ends. All of our families will eventually adopt, but the waits are longer than they were in years past. That said, for every action there is an opposite -- a reaction. At some point, the economy will turn around, things will get back to normal and, if history is any indicator, we'll have a baby boom. (We're all waiting for that!)

One of the outcomes of this new economic situation is that women who never thought that they would place their children are facing such difficult financial times, they are placing older children. We have had a number of such placements over the past year and we are currently working on placing 3 year old twins. For those families waiting to adopt, some have opted to consider children older than newborn. There are many things to consider with older children that do not come into play with infants. More on older child adoption tomorrow...

The Gender Selection Debate

My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.

There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.

While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.

So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.

The Glamorization of Teen Motherhood

Often times potential adoptive parents assume that their birth mother will be a teen mom. They are surprised to learn that our average birth mom is 29 and already has two children. The teen pregnancy rate has risen since 2006 in the U.S. (in comparison to Canada, where teen pregnancy has dropped 38% since 1994). Shows on television and movies tend to glamorize teen pregnancy and in recent years there has been very little, if any, social pressure on teens to avoid pregnancy. The pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spears of "Zoey 101" and the movie "Juno", as well as other popular celebrities have desensitized us to the down side of having a baby while still so young. Our new social norm is acceptance of teen pregnancy. In 2006, 441,832 babies were born to teen moms in the U.S. That is a staggering number. The fact is, most teen moms don't place their babies for adoption, they parent. MTV has chronicled teen pregnancy in a number of shows, including "16 and Pregnant". Their most recent reality show which showcases teens who are parents is entitled "Teen Mom". Some of the teens featured have expressed a desire to show other teens how difficult parenting is as a single teen. Typically, even those who have partners end up parenting alone after the stressors and demands of parenting cause the partners to fight and part ways. Statistics show that most teen relationships don't last, despite the intense feelings and passion.

While the teen pregnancy rate has gone up, so has the incidence of abortions. The adoption rate has gone down during the same period of time. Rather than interrupting their own teen years and their education with the responsibilities of parenthood and adult decisions, we should be promoting education to prevent pregnancy and, if it happens, adoption as an acceptable means to take responsibility for what has occurred. I would love to see adoption profiled on television, and normalized to the extent that teen pregnancy has been. While it's not good for any teen to have to experience childbirth and everything that goes with it, adoption can be a win-win-win situation, with the birth parents moving forward to their own goals, childless or infertile couples being given the opportunity to have a family, and most of all, the baby landing safely in a stable, secure place where all of their needs are met, without resentment and disrupted schedules, and with the love and devotion of, ideally, two parents who are ready to meet the day to day demands of a newborn. I am a single parent, and I am not saying that single parents can't parent well. They most definitely can. But even for those of us who do it, it's not ideal. So, we shouldn't, as a society, glamorize teen pregnancy. It's not easy and it's not fair to teen moms. I've heard parents of pregnant teens say things like "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it"...meaning that somehow going it alone is the punishment for getting pregnant in the first place. Parenting should not be a punishment. It is the hardest thing anyone will ever do, and to put that responsibility on a teen girl is asking way too much, even if she thinks it's what she wants. We need to teach our teens how to act responsibly and how to protect themselves and their education from going down a path that will be hard on them and their children. No decisions should be forced on anyone, but all options should be explored and offered. Let's not glamorize pregnancy and childbirth for children.

The Abortion Debate

I am constantly amazed at what people will believe when fed by the media. I've been having the abortion debate with a friend and his lack of knowledge about the actual abortion procedure and the excuses given by abortionists for doing it have rendered me speechless (at least verbally!). Less than 1/10th of 1 percent of pregnancies require the mother to terminate the pregnancy or risk her life. If that decision has to be made and one or both will lose their life, then that is obviously the exception to the rule. I think what irks me most is that abortionists and pro-life activists try to make us believe that there are medical reasons for most abortions, when that is not the case. Tell it like it is, people! Just be real about it. My friend asked me, "What about late term abortion when the mother's life is at stake?". If that is the case, there is no need for an abortion. Birth can be induced or a C-section done and the baby delivered. There is no need to parent if that is the issue. Adoptive families abound.

There is a book I would encourage everyone to read. It's called "Gianna", by Jessica Shaver with an afterward by Gianna Jessen. Gianna is adopted. She was adopted by her foster family after coming into the world in a very traumatic way. Gianna's biological mother went into an abortion clinic to get an abortion. Apparently the clinic was so focused on the profit to be made, they neglected to adequately determine gestational dates. At that time, saline abortions were all the rage. Saline was injected into the mother's uterus and she was sent home to wait for the baby to die, so she could come back and they could deliver it. When she came back to the clinic in labor, the baby was delivered. There was one small problem. The baby didn't die. Gianna was born screaming and she was burned, head to toe, by the saline. They put her off to the side and waited for her to die. She didn't die. After a while, the physician realized that this baby was not going to die. So, she was taken to a hospital. Gianna recovered. She is an aborted baby who lived to tell about it. I wonder how many others got to that point and were smothered or drowned to get rid of the evidence of life.

As a result of the injuries she sustained in this failed abortion, Gianna has cerebral palsy. She is intelligent and lives a full life, which is impacted by the physical effects of her cerebral palsy -- cerebral palsy caused by people. Even with her disability, she was adoptable. She is loved. Everyone in the room when she was born expected she'd be dead. Her will to live and her purpose in life (perhaps to bear witness to the injustice of what is being done)was undaunted by those who would have killed her.

Late term abortion is never necessary. It may be necessary to deliver the child, but a c-section or induction would give them a fighting chance at life! If the mother's life is in danger, then by all means they should try to save her. But don't use the mother's life as an excuse in every abortion. If I sound angry, I am. Our society as a whole can't be honest. Call a spade a spade. Tell the truth. Put everyone on an even playing field. If you are calling those who don't believe in carte blanche abortion "pro-life", then why is the opposite not "pro-death"? We all know the answer to that. "Pro-choice" is a deceptive term. Whose "choice" would that be? Certainly not the choice of the child. Not the choice of all those potential adoptive parents out there who are waiting for a child. Not the choice of those who value life. But there is much protest if you label it what it really is.

I don't want to sound preachy or come off like a foot-stomping activist, but if the pen is, indeed, mightier than the sword, then I'm taking up arms. I would challenge those who believe that abortion is a "right" to actually witness one. Most would refuse because they don't want to know. They don't want to see the "medical waste", the blood and dismembered babies thrown in the trash. There is a movie from the 70's called "Silent Scream" that takes a camera inside a uterus while an abortion is being performed. It's a true horror movie. Most people would defend the rights of animals being hurt before they would defend the rights of unborn humans. I really don't understand it. If we want others to value life, don't we have to value it? How can we condemn suicide bombers, when we kill our own children? If we will kill an innocent baby who hasn't yet had the chance to begin a life, how will we treat those who are at the end of life and are no longer productive? When does the madness end? If we respect life, we can't put some sort of limitations on when life begins and when life is over. Who is qualified to do that? Even in the absence of religion, physicians will tell you that upon conception, there is a living organism which will eventually walk and talk and be called a human being. The ones who disagree tend to be the same ones who are benefiting financially from abortions. They may say they are "providing a service" to women. In fact, they are providing a disservice. A hit man can "provide a service". Does that make it acceptable?

I realize my opinion may offend some, and I apologize for that. I spent a few years in labor and delivery and in both post-abortion and neo-natal bereavement counseling. If a woman loses a wanted child through a miscarriage or fetal demise, she grieves a life lost. If a pregnancy was unwanted and abortion performed, does that mean that child wasn't a life lost? In China, for many years and still in some places, when a female child is born alive, she is placed face down in a bucket of water to drown or smothered, as males are preferred. When Americans hear that, they are appalled. Why? Many of those same Americans are supportive of the right to extinguish the life of that same baby just a few weeks earlier. I'm not sure whether drowning or dismemberment is worse. Can anyone tell me?

Write It Down - Journaling While You Wait

The overwhelming majority of our adoptive families come to us after a struggle with infertility issues. One adoptive mother told me that the treatment for her secondary infertility was "ten times worse than the hormonal mood swings you deal with during pregnancy". It's no wonder, then, that potential adoptive parents are stressed and nervous about adoption right from the onset. Several of our adoptive parents have used journaling to get through the rough time waiting to become parents. I think this is a great way to be pro-active and yet, more relaxed, during the inevitable time it takes to adopt. Journaling not only provides an outlet in which to vent feelings and frustrations, it also creates a living record of the emotions that you were feeling during your "pregnancy" whether it lasted nine months, nine weeks, or years. It is a document that shows your child, years from now, how much you ached to hold him or yearned to have her. It is a reminder of the things you learned along the way -- lessons that will assist you later in parenthood dilemmas. It's great practice for problem-solving that will come with mothering or fathering. You can take a journal with you to doctor visits to document your feelings and fears. You can take it on vacation so you can journal during reflective times and ponder emotions which may be in overdrive. Writing has always been an outlet for me. I think journaling is a healthy way to get through the anxiety and the wait and to remember the value we placed on parenting, long after we have become parents and the newness has worn off.

A Christmas Heartbreak

It's happened again. In Santa Rosa County, Florida, along a wooded stretch of highway near Clear Creek Road and Highway 87, adjacent to a sign which says "no littering", a family walking their dog in the woods was shocked when their dog alerted them and they stumbled upon a newborn baby. The baby had been left out in the elements to die. It did. Police haven't even released the gender of the baby or any details, but even without knowing all of that, my heart is broken. No matter how I try to rationalize why someone would do this, I can't come up with any reasonable answer. There are safe haven laws. There are adoption agencies. There are hospitals and there are shelters. There are so many places where a newborn would stand a chance. There are so many people who would lovingly stretch out their arms, no questions asked, to receive the child. I have no doubt the infant's mother knew there were ways to keep her baby safe. It's impossible to grow up within our society and not know this. I have no doubt that the baby was left there intentionally with the thought that it would most certainly perish. I will always ask why.

It's Christmastime and in just a couple of days we will welcome a New Year -- a fresh start, with renewed hope. At least that's what most people will do. I wonder about the mother who left her child in the woods. I wonder about the family who obviously didn't embrace her pregnancy. I wonder how we could have prevented this tragedy. How do we educate those who would do this? There are so many loving homes waiting. This was a preventable death. This child didn't need to die cold and alone in the forest. There was a warm home and a clean bed waiting for this child. There were many. How is this possible? I'm not sure how to begin to forgive for such an atrocity. Please pray for the young woman at the heart of this heartbreak. She has sacrificed more than the life of her child -- she has sacrificed her soul. "Abandonment" is a word that should never be used in the same sentence as the word "Mother".

This is only one child. But who would this child be? Would this child grow to be a Pulitzer prize winning author, or perhaps a gifted musician, or a surgeon who pioneered a new procedure? Would this child have married and had children or been a holy man or a peacemaker? How did the death of this one baby impact the world? The ripples in the pond are endless. With one senseless act, our world has changed dramatically. We will never know how profoundly.

Happy Birthday, Cody

This week the election has taken center stage and, for the first time in many years, perhaps because of the distraction, November 2nd came and went without too much sorrow. November 2nd, 1992 -- 16 years ago -- I lost my son. Cody Andrew came into this life and left it all in one fleeting moment. After having two healthy children, I had no reason to believe that my 23rd week pregnancy was anything but normal. One evening, I felt a lot of fetal movement -- really the first I had felt in the pregnancy -- and suddenly I was aware of the little life within me. I was happy and excited to go to my regularly scheduled pre-natal visit the next morning. It would be the day I would find out the gender of my child. I had a boy and a girl, so it didn't really matter, but I would be able to choose a name and think about all of the possibilities. My youngest had gone off to kindergarten and I was feeling the sting of an empty nest. I couldn't wait to have a new baby home to fill my days with the joy only a baby can bring.

When I arrived at the doctor's office, I was humming and reading the most recent Parent's Magazine. It was a beautiful day. I was called in and my doctor, a very sweet older gentleman, began the ultrasound -- the first I would have of this pregnancy. I could see the screen and wondered if I would be able to identify the gender without him telling me. As he scanned, he began to concentrate and focused on the screen, angling it back towards him. I was disappointed that I could no longer see what he was scanning. After a few moments, he stated, "I'm not seeing what I want to see, so we're going to switch from the doppler to the internal ultrasound". "Okay", I responded. Once he positioned the wand, he looked up and uttered the words that would keep echoing in my mind, "I'm so sorry, honey, but this baby doesn't have a heartbeat". At that moment, I think my own heart stopped. I felt frozen in time. I was there by myself.

I don't think I said much. I remember him hugging me and telling me he was so sorry. I got off the table and walked out of the building and across the street, passing my car in the parking lot, and heading for the hospital where I worked. I remember walking in front of a moving car and hearing the honk. I felt zombie-like. I walked in the front door and passed several people I knew who greeted me. It was all I could do to stay upright, so I said nothing as I proceeded down the hall to my unit -- Labor and Delivery. As I pushed the button that would open the double entry doors to the unit, I remember feeling like I was in a bad dream. I fell to my knees and I remember screaming. Someone said it sounded like a wounded animal, a primal scream.

All of the nurses working on the unit were my friends. They all came running and picked me up and took me to a labor room where they talked with me, sat with me, and prayed with me. One of my friends, a physician, came in and quietly explained that I would have to wait to go into labor and then deliver the baby. He knew I would likely at some point want to have another baby and didn't want to cause my cervix to become incompetent by forcing it open. Fetal demise happens occasionally, but late term fetal demise is not common. No one knows why he died. Perhaps a non-functioning placenta or an underdeveloped umbilical cord. I went home to wait. I can't explain what it does to you psychologically to carry around a dead baby. I was showing, so when I was out people I didn't know would come up and ask when I was due. Some would touch my belly. I knew I couldn't go into details without completely falling apart, so I would just give the due date and move on. It took a week before my body was ready to deliver Cody. I went into labor at 2:00 a.m. on November 2nd.

I went into the hospital and labored for something like 12 hours before he was born. So tiny he could fit in the palm of your hand, but the labor felt like a full term baby. My doctor asked if I wanted to have a D&C. I couldn't even conceive of it. I needed to see him, to hold him, and to bury him. I had quite a support system in my friends there. Sharon, Jana, Margie, and an angel on earth, Annie. They stayed with me, prayed with me, and helped me deliver Cody and say goodbye over the course of those 12 hours. He was tiny, but perfect with all of his parts intact. His skin was almost transparent, but his features were delicate and he looked peaceful.

I can't even say I regret the experience all of these years later. It was, of course, very traumatic, but Cody taught me more without ever walking on this earth than any other person, child or adult, friend or teacher, has taught me in my lifetime. I view his death as God's will. Cody fulfilled his mission here on earth. He taught me what it feels like to be a birth mother with empty arms. He taught me what it feels like to be unable to deliver a full-term healthy baby. He taught me about grief and how to deal with it. He taught me that you can't take life for granted. He taught me who my true friends were. He taught me that there were people in my life who weren't true friends. He taught me how to tell the difference. He taught me how precious life is and how sometimes we don't think about others who are grieving because we are caught up in our own lives. He taught me what is important and what is not. He taught me that we all have a purpose and how important it is to fulfill that purpose. In retrospect, he did everything he needed to do before he went to be with God.

After his funeral, when leaving the cemetery, I had a sudden urge to go back to the grave site. I knew it was time to go and it felt a little crazy asking my husband to turn the car around so I could go back. But the urge was so strong, I insisted. When we got back to the little clearing surrounded by woods where my parents are buried, I was stunned at what I saw. There, on top of Cody's newly dug grave, were a family of deer. A beautiful 8 point buck stood guard while an adult female munched on the fresh flowers atop my son's grave. At her feet was a tiny fawn, still not totally sure on his feet, gingerly nibbling on the flowers. It was a sight I'll never forget and, in case I do, I have pictures that I was able to snap. I saw that as a message from my family -- "Cody is fine here with us"...my mother and father had him safely within their arms. When my children asked me why Cody had to die, I told them "because Grandma and Grandpa needed to have a grand baby to love and hold in Heaven".

Cody will always be my son, just as surely as my children who have grown to adulthood. It was a privilege to have witnessed an angel taking flight. Happy Birthday, son.