Open Letter to a Hospital Social Worker

Dear Hospital Social Worker:
Today you helped seal the fate of a baby who had a chance at a good life. You also participated in breaking the hearts of a family and their son, awaiting a brother. You have no idea what you've done because you don't know the history of the people you are manipulating.  Four months ago, a woman in crisis called for help because she had nowhere to live, no family support, no income, three kids, and she was pregnant. She wanted an abortion. Perhaps we shouldn't have talked her out of it, but we did. She was given some options and she chose adoption. She chose a lovely family and they helped her get on her feet, get a place to stay, and feed her kids. Her own family had kicked her out more than once. She was 41 and has bounced from place to place her whole life due to drug use and familial problems.  Her large family won't help, but they criticize a lot and tell her she's worthless.  You don't know this because you weren't involved.  The adoptive parents talked to her almost daily and she shared a lot. She shared that she had a previous problem with drugs and that she had a warrant out for her arrest because of it.  She had failed to appear in court.  She appeared to be using speed.  A plan was made that after having the baby, she would go in and handle the warrant and try to get her life back on track.  To that end, it was arranged for her to go to a sober living home with two of her three children.  She agreed and felt that was a good plan that the court would applaud.  That was all paid for by the adoptive parents.  They wanted her to succeed.  They knew there was a chance that the child would be born drug-exposed, but they were willing to take him anyway and to help his mother.  They offered to skype, send pictures, and visit with him over time, so that she would feel that she was still a part of his life.  That was incredibly generous of them.  You weren't there for that either.

We arranged for her to be taken to doctor visits, other errands, and for food.  I personally drove hundreds of miles taking her where she needed to go.  We helped her with job searches and arranged for her to be in a 12 step program. Several organizations and multiple individuals helped  financially, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  We moved her and her kids.  I didn't see you there helping.  All the while she told the adoptive parents how wonderful they were and how grateful she was that they were there for her when her family wasn't. Her family turned their back on her and her own mother told her she would never get a job and that she was worthless.  Meanwhile, several social service organizations, the adoptive parents, myself, and others found ways to help her, taking care of her and making sure she had a plan for the future so that she could support the children she already has. Their life has been hell, moving from place to place, leaving friends, and not having necessities. She knew that she didn't want that for this baby.  She didn't have a home to take him to.

Last night, she told the adoptive mom to have adoptive dad and big brother get on a plane so that they could take the baby today when she was being released from the hospital. You weren't there. We questioned her at that time and asked if she was sure, so that another child wouldn't have his heart broken.  She stated emphatically that she had made a commitment and even though her family wasn't on board, she was going to keep her commitment.  Her family had pressured her to keep the baby, even though they had thrown her out when she was pregnant and told her to abort.  They insisted "no more kids".  This morning, she told the adoptive parents to bring up the car seat and she sat down with the state mandated ASP worker, who is her advocate in the adoption, and signed all the papers.  She didn't waver. You weren't there.

Then you went into the room.  45 minutes later when you emerged, she had changed her mind.  Do you realize that by talking her out of the adoption, this baby will suffer and may be in danger?  She was overheard on the phone telling someone, "they wouldn't give me the Vicodin, but I know someone who can get me pain medication".  You wouldn't let anyone back in the room to talk to her, even to verify that it was HER decision.  You went so far as to make sure armed guards didn't let anyone near her -- the people who had helped her all those months were told to leave.  All along, for months, the plan was the same and she was solid in her desire to do right by her baby and to build a future for her other children.  You are sending her home to live with a dozen other family members in a small one story, three bedroom house where there isn't even enough room for beds for the children and the adults are on air mattresses. Yes, the same one she was kicked out of just a few weeks ago.  You see, her family can't tolerate her for long.  Her mother is overbearing and wants to control.  Her sister is the same.  It's the sister's house. They butt heads until someone has to go and it's always her.  This has been a pattern and the children have suffered as a result, changing homes in the middle of the night, sleeping at the homes of other random people, some drug users, and out on the street.  They watch as their mother does what she has to do to feed them.  They hear it all.  The youngest asked to go with the adoptive mom instead of having to go with his grandmother.  It's all very heartbreaking.  But you weren't there for that either.

There is so much more history and drama in the family that you can't possibly begin to understand what you don't know.  And yet, you forced your will.  How selfish is it to assume that you know what's best for this woman or anyone?  How tragic is it that you altered the life of a little one who could have had a home and a life and opportunities for an education?  Instead, he will be like his brothers.  No preschool, different schools -- several per school year -- and no chance at a higher education.  Now that will make four generations of welfare grads.  You did a disservice not only to this child, but to his mother.  She had a chance to get out of the chaos.  You have sentenced her to a life of addiction.  She would have been able to have a place to live while she got clean and sober, a chance at a decent job and, subsequently, the ability to make a home for her two minor children.  She would have had ongoing support.  She will likely now end up, at some point, being arrested for her warrant.  Her kids may end up with the state or, worse yet, with her family.  The adoptive parents were inconsolable.  They didn't blame her.  They knew you pressured her.  We all did.  They have stated that what this cost them both financially and emotionally won't allow them to adopt again.  She wasn't pressured to place her baby.  She made that decision on her own and she sought out adoptive parents. She was pressured by you to parent and you manipulated her feelings and made her feel like a horrible mom.  In fact, she was being a good mom and providing something more for her child.  You have your own agenda. You didn't see her crying when you left the room.  You didn't see the adoptive parents sobbing in the hallway.  You weren't there when a 6'5" man bent down to try to explain to an 8 year old that the child that the birth mom introduced him to as "your little brother" wasn't coming home, all while crying.  What you did was unprofessional, unethical, and aggressive. If you can sleep tonight, you have no soul.

Depo Provera - Birth Control or Fertility Drug?

As you might imagine in adoption, birth control and fertility issues are often topics of discussion in my world. Over the past few years, I have observed that most birth moms weren't irresponsible or careless. Their birth control method simply failed. Which method seems to fail the most? By a landslide, Depo Provera. I have often joked that with a little tweaking, it could become the next fertility drug. Whenever I am contacted by a birth mom who wants to make an adoption plan, we discuss everything - from the timing of the pregnancy and the birth father, to her future plans and birth control. Much of the time, there was an effort to prevent pregnancy. In the literature, it says that Depo Provera is 97% effective in prevention of pregnancy. I'm not sure why, then, a preponderance of birth moms who call have been on it. It would seem that the 97% figure isn't even close to the true percentages. A friend of mine went on Depo for a short period of time. She experienced one of the many listed side effects, bleeding during the course of the medication. The Depo shot is administered every three months. My friend experienced moderate bleeding for the entire three months. She said it was like having a period the whole time. So, then, it's no wonder it should be a successful form of birth control. It's not surprising that a woman wouldn't feel like participating in the kind of activities that would cause pregnancy while consistently bleeding. However, for those who are able to tolerate it and are sexually active, it seems that pregnancy is a real risk. The other side effects of Depo Provera are abdominal pain or discomfort, weight changes, headache, asthenia (weakness or fatigue), and nervousness -- all symptoms which can also be attributed to pregnancy, and which mask a pregnancy should it occur. I know a few babies who are testimony to that.

One study found an association between using Depo-Provera and higher incidence of chlamydia and gonorrhea. I'm not sure how other methods of birth control fared in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's apparent that women who are on birth control seem to get a feeling of security about not getting pregnant that also crosses over to sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously, that's where condoms are a better choice. They are, according to the literature, when used correctly, almost as effective as Depo. In reality, I believe they are much safer in terms of preventing pregnancy, and certainly safer than other methods for preventing STD's.

It would be interesting to see a current research study done on unplanned pregnancies which include the forms of birth control used and the failure rates of each. In the meantime, if you want to get pregnant, try Depo Provera. It seems to work.

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

First Baby

Well, it was a long wait, but we finally have our first baby of the New Year. It's a GIRL! Baby Stella Mae was born today, February 11, and weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 4 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long and was born after a very short labor. Birth mom is doing well and adoptive parents, Chad and Rachel are on currently on Cloud Nine! She took a while to get here, but Chad and Rachel say she was worth waiting for! With several more deliveries on tap this month, it was anyone's guess who would come first, but we think Stella may be trying to tell us something. It may be a girl year! Boys outnumbered girls for the past three years, so the girls have a little catching up to do. Congratulations Chad and Rachel. Today there was something to smile about :). We'll check back with you for an update after you're sufficiently sleep deprived!