Adoption Services or Baby Selling?

As an adoption professional, we network with other adoption facilitators, agencies, and attorneys in order to locate families or birth mothers for specific situations.  With the recent rise in abortion rates and drop in the national birth rate, there have been fewer situations overall for everyone.  I think that is responsible for some desperation in the adoption world.  Lately, I have been stunned at some of the e-mails that have arrived in my in box.  Typically, the birth mothers have their choice of families (as it should be), but a recent e-mail outlined a situation with an agency in which a Caucasian baby boy was being placed for adoption.  After a mind-boggling list of exorbitant expenses, the child could be had for a mere $42,000.00.  I am baffled.  How is this not baby selling?  Is it simply because an agency is offering the situation?  The note insinuated that anyone interested and prepared to pay the fees could have the closed situation.  Another e-mail offered a special needs baby for a fee of $32,000.00.  Since when did we put a price tag on infants?  While I am well aware that there are legitimate expenses including agency expenses and fees, and some potential birth mother expenses (none of those fees were for medical, by the way), these fees are way out of the ballpark.  In the past, we have charged zero for special needs situations, just as a means to find a good family for a hard to place infant.  That someone would charge such obviously inflated fees to families willing to take on a challenge is amazing to me.  Why does it seem that adoption has become so outrageously expensive?  Every agency and facilitator I know is struggling with the downturn in the number of adoptions, but fees up into the 40K and 50K range that used to be unheard of are becoming all too common.  We need to have some national adoption laws because leaving it up to the states has been a fiasco.  Adoptive parents in Indiana don't have the same rights as adoptive parents in California, and birth mothers in Pennsylvania and Ohio aren't able to get the support that those in Nebraska or Missouri do.  We won't even talk about birth father rights in Utah since they are basically non-existant.  I think caps on the amounts that can be charged need to be in place, as well as some uniform laws about offering situations on line for specific fees.  All agencies have or can locate families to adopt if fees are reasonable.  There is no need for a baby to go to the highest bidder.

Teen Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood

With the popularity of the newer reality shows on teen motherhood like MTV's 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom, some people believe that teen motherhood is being glamorized and that more teens will become pregnant.  Only time will tell if these programs will have an impact on teen pregnancy, but most states, including California, are reporting a reduction in teen births in their latest statistics (from 2009).  In California, the birth rate dropped to a new low, falling from 35.2 for every 1,000 teens in 2008 to 32.1 in 2009.  That is mirroring the national birth rate, which has continued to decline over the past two years, presumably due to the economy.  Our national birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression, which is a significant statistic.  In addition, abortions are up.  With fewer pregnancies and more abortions, it necessarily follows that there are fewer adoptions. 

Interestingly, while the birth rate among Latino teens dropped more than other groups, the Latino birth rate is still the highest among all ethnicities in California.  At 50.8 per 1,000 Latino teens, Latino girls are at high risk for becoming pregnant as teens.

Teen motherhood is anything but glamorous.  There is a higher rate of abuse among teen mothers and there are many negative consequences to the children of young moms.  Typically fathers disappear or were never involved from the beginning.  Financial resources are few, and teen moms rarely get a chance to continue their education and go on to college.  Their own childhood cut short, they don't get to experience some of the rites of passage that their peers do -- from prom to date nights to sorority parties and meeting new and interesting friends at college.

Why then, do more teens not consider adoption?  I think peer pressure is the answer.  I have worked with teen moms who knew that they couldn't parent properly and wanted to go to college or into the military and they were harangued by their peers.  "What kind of mother are you?" or "How could  you give your baby away?" are some of the things said to young ladies I know who had made the best decision for their children.  "It's hard enough to give up your child without having to defend that decision", said Rachel, one of our former birth moms.  She was right.  If that was the right decision for her and she wasn't hurting anyone and her baby was going to a good home, why should anyone try to make her feel guilty for opting to give herself and her child a better future?  Teens can be vicious and judgmental.  The fact is, they don't see the big picture.  Not until they have tried to parent will they understand how difficult such an undertaking can be as a teen with no foundation or resources.  When a young mom opts to place her child for adoption, rather than aborting that child, she is taking a big risk that her peers will condemn her and she will be ostracized.  Why, then, is killing a child more acceptable?  Teens empathize with their peers who have undergone an abortion and they support them.  Yet, when adoption is discussed, they present a whole new attitude.  It's as if, once you have decided to give birth, you are expected to deal with the consequences.  It's almost a punishment.  If you choose adoption over abortion, you are somehow the bad guy.

Teens need to start supporting their peers and there needs to be more mentorship by others who have gone through adoption, parenting, and abortion.  I can tell you from counseling abortion survivors that it's no picnic.  There is guilt and remorse, and fear of retribution (by a higher power).  It is revisited once they have children later on and realize with full clarity just what has happened and that they can not bring that life back.  It's tragic when our society has become more tolerant of abortion than adoption.  There are unplanned pregnancies, but there are no unwanted children.  I have homes for them all.

Adoption Issues - There Is No "Safe Haven"

Back in 2001, California enacted it's version of the "Safe Haven" law, which has been put into place in almost all 50 states. It was implemented in order to allow women who couldn't parent for whatever reason, and presumably couldn't tell anyone, to place their children in a safe place at a police or fire station or hospital, with no questions asked. While at least 331 babies (according to the California Department of Social Services) have been saved by this law, countless others have died even with it in place. The question begs..."Why would anyone abandon or put their child in a trash dumpster when the obvious solution is so available?". This week, in Redondo Beach, California, a young lady age 24 who was attending a party excused herself to a bedroom because she felt "uncomfortable". A few hours later, she left to go home. She left behind her 6 lb. newborn daughter outside in a trash barrel - an ordinary trash receptacle awaiting pick up at the street. This was done just blocks from a local fire station, where she could have placed the baby and sounded a bell so that someone would come and get her and keep her safe.

I think we all want to know the answers. It's hard to imagine giving birth in a bedroom while people are partying in a home and not being noticed or notifying anyone. It's hard to imagine going through that without asking for help. While the mother states that she had no idea she was pregnant, when she finally figured out she was having a baby, wouldn't she want some assistance? An ambulance? A Hospital? Not if she planned to dispose of her baby. It seems far-fetched that with such elaborate planning, she didn't know what she was doing or that she was pregnant. While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been mentioned as a cause for this behavior, I find it difficult to accept. The more in shock a person is, the more they need help making decisions. They don't plot and plan when they are in shock.

Jessica Canfield was booked for investigation of murder after it was determined that she gave birth to the infant girl who was found under trash in a container that was too heavy for the garbage truck to lift. As a result, sanitation workers got out to investigate and found the infant. I'm not sure it will ever be possible to understand the reasons behind the actions of Jessica and others like her. Despite laws put in place to protect infants and shield reluctant mothers from judgment, scrutiny, or even discovery, we are still finding infants in trash cans. I wonder how many have gone undiscovered?

Life Goes On

What a week! We've spent the past week moving into our new office. What I thought would be a four day weekend project turned into a much longer process. We're in the new building, but building walls, adding carpet, and doing finish work took longer than expected and we were finally able to move our furniture into place. Now comes the real work of unpacking all of the boxes and finding places for everything and putting everything in it's place! Holly and I are exhausted and it'll be another few days before we can give updates and have our ducks in a row, but we're getting there.

In the meantime, life goes on! While we were busy moving, two of our families were traveling to get their new additions. David and Karin came all the way from Belgium to be present at the birth of their new daughter, Sarah Grace, in their home state of Wyoming. It won't be hard for me to remember Sarah's birthday, as she shares her birthday with me! Sarah joins big sister Elizabeth, who seems quite happy to have a little sister to play with.

Matthew Malakai was born in Massachusetts and is almost ready to go home with new parents, Eliot and Gina, of California. As first time parents, they are more than a little excited. Deb Peckham, our MA social worker, has been invaluable in working with their birth mom to assist and make the adoption go smoothly. Our families are fortunate when they get to work with Deb. I'm looking forward to getting to see little Matthew when they get back to California!

We don't often get to see our babies after they go home due to geographical logistics, so photos are very important. We love it when we get photos of new babies (and updated photos of our kids). I'll share the photos of these recent babies and others in the next newsletter, so keep them coming!

Welcome Alec and the New Year!

It seems I have barely gotten used to writing "2008" and it's already December! We'll be writing "2009" before we know it. I am amazed at how quickly the year has passed. It's been quite a year. We've had good times and bad times. The economy seems to be at an all time low -- at least within our lifetime. And yet, life goes on, the cycle is unbroken. Loved ones pass away, people who are important to us vanish from our lives, and new babies are born. Our lives change and time marches on. Sometimes we look back and it's hard to believe it's just been a year because the landscape of our lives is so different than it once was. We find ourselves at crossroads where decisions are made to take one fork of the road or the other (we can go down radically different paths). Either way, we don't stay in the same place. Hopefully we end up in a better place for the decisions we've made. I am looking forward to 2009. I believe it will be a very good year for all of us. The economy will likely get better (could it really get worse?), and at A Labor of Love we have some plans to expand our footprints on the adoption world. It's been a generally slow year for adoptions, pretty much everywhere as far as I can tell. Some major adoption agencies have closed their doors. We're still here! For this, we are thankful. And every day brings new promise and more opportunity. This past week, we have been able to reflect on what we are thankful for. I am thankful for my clients, my friends, our birth mothers, and the ability to do the amazing work I have been fortunate enough to fall into. It's not always easy and it can be highly emotionally charged, but more often than not, we see miracles in the making. I see God's hand in my work every day, without fail. I know that I am blessed by being able to help (in some small way) to build families. In fact, I want to wish Alec Braden Summa a happy birthday! Alec was born here in California on 11-26-08, at 8 lbs., 6 oz. Since he was born on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, he was released from the hospital on Friday, the day after. His birth mother promptly went home on Friday, and on Saturday - three days after giving birth - cooked a Thanksgiving Dinner for her family and the adoptive family of little Alec. What a gift she gave -- and she just kept on giving. That's really a shining example of what Thanksgiving is all about. She was giving thanks to the adoptive family and they were giving thanks to her -- all were thankful for the birth of little Alec. He couldn't be more loved. He couldn't be more wanted. Everyone is blessed. That's what I mean about seeing God's hand in our work. Thanks, God! We're all grateful for your most recent miracle.