Go With the Blessing

It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?

After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.

I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.

If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Last year, early in the morning on March 17, my phone rang. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. by a familiar voice -- one I hadn't heard in a while, but recognized immediately. It's not unusual in my world to get early morning calls, and I have no problem waking up to hear the news of a baby being born. That kind of news never gets old. Rosa was on the phone. Even though she had stopped by the office a few months before, she had not told us she was pregnant. Actually, it was the second time she had called me from the local hospital after giving birth. She knew we were there, and even though she knew the process, waited until the baby was actually born before she called. I'm not sure why she waited, since she already knew us from the previous placement, but some birth moms just don't really want to think about it until it can no longer be put off. So, with the news that she had just given birth to a baby girl, Rosa asked if we could help her find a good family once again. Normally when a full or half sibling is being placed for adoption, we try to check with the family who has the first one, in case the siblings can be together, but in this case since there was no warning, there was no current home study in place, so we began the search for the right family. We didn't have to look far.

Kristin and Keith had experienced a terrible disappointment prior to beginning their adoption process with us. Rosa immediately liked them and wanted to help heal their hearts. They left West Virginia with hope in their hearts and more than a little trepidation. Rosa was so grateful to meet and see them bonding with the baby. It was a lovely match. Soon they got past their fears of another failure and baby Kylie quickly became the center of her parents universe! I have to laugh when I think back on it. Keith actually jumped up to change the first dirty diaper! I imagine that the novelty of that has worn off by now. It was great to have one of our families out here in California and I was able to spend some time with them and enjoyed seeing them happily learning about their first born. Kristin brought tears to my eyes as she said to Keith, who was holding baby Kylie, "Honey, we never could have done anything so perfect." At that moment, a mother was born. I knew that Kristin was as much Kylie's "real" mother as Rosa. I know Rosa knew that too, as she thanked Keith and Kristin for giving Kylie a good life and being her parents.

As it happened, I was headed out to Pittsburgh the following week and they got clearance from ICPC to go home just in the nick of time to fly with me. It was great to hear the flight attendants fussing over baby Kylie. In the airport, a woman came up and looked at Kristin and Keith (who are very light complected Caucasian people) and said to Kristin, "Oh, you look great for just having given birth!". Kristin had us all laughing with her response. She said, "Hellllllo! This baby is Hispanic, so I can't take credit for giving birth, but isn't she beautiful!?". And she is. A little Hispanic leprechan born on St. Patty's Day. Kylie not only got two great parents, she will have an extra "aunt and uncle" and will get to grow up knowing her full sibling, who lives not far away.

So, Kylie's birthday will always be linked with that date for me. Happy first birthday, Kylie! May the road rise up to meet you! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children - Also known as ICPC

When you finally get that all-important call and your baby is being born, it's likely that you'll be leaving your state and going to where the birth mother is giving birth. This is an exciting time! Once you get to the hospital, you will be bonding with baby and spending time with birth mom while she is in the hospital. Once everyone is discharged, you will take the baby to a hotel and wait. After the birth mother has left the hospital, she will meet with an attorney or social worker and sign her relinquishment documents. In some states, this must occur before a judge (requiring some scheduling). This may take a couple of days. Once the documents are signed, your legal representative (attorney or agency) will submit the ICPC paperwork along with your adoption documents and home study to the state ICPC office. This is usually done via fax or overnight mail and is quick. Once the office gets the documents, there are a number of factors that will determine how long it will take them to give approval. Nothing will happen on weekends. In addition, they may (or may not) have a heavy caseload. ICPC officials are usually as prompt as possible in getting to your paperwork and will review it as soon as they can. Once reviewed, if they have questions or concerns, those will be addressed, and then the approval will usually happen within a short period of time. Once you get approval from the "sending" state, where the baby was born, your own "receiving" state, or home state, will also have to review the documents and approve. Again faxing or overnighting the paperwork is generally the method used to expedite things and within 48-72 hours, your own state will likely approve the documents (which have already been approved by the sending state and are merely reviewed).

The total wait time for ICPC could be anywhere from 4 or 5 working days to a couple of weeks, depending upon where weekends and holidays fall, and how many cases are being handled by the state office at that time. This is a time when families get anxious to go home and want to speed things up. While this is understandable, it's not a good idea to try to call the ICPC office yourself, have relatives call, or call your local congressman or senator to intervene on your behalf. This may do more harm than good. There is generally a limited number of staff in the ICPC office (1-3) and they are working as hard as they can to get to everyone. It will only delay their ability to review cases (yours included) if you tie them up on phone calls explaining why they haven't been able to get to your case before.

Once you are cleared to go home, your attorney or agency will call you and let you know. You don't have to be confined to a hotel room in the meantime. You can explore your surroundings and do a little sightseeing or get out and have a nice dinner or lunch together. Remember that this is very valuable time with your newborn. It may be the only quiet alone-time you have to bond. After you get home, you'll have relatives and visitors coming and going and you may wish you had that time back. So, smell the roses (okay so diapers aren't so rosy!) and relax and enjoy the time you have with your newborn. Check out their parts, watch them sleep, photograph them and send e-mails with details! Soon, you'll be back at home and work and there will be no time to just enjoy quiet time gazing at your baby.

Home Study Anxiety

The biggest fear of adoptive parents may very well be the dreaded home study. Fear not! The home study process is more of a "people study". It is in place to make sure that those who shouldn't adopt a child won't be able to qualify. It's not a white glove test or a measure of your housekeeping skills. You will fill out yet another daunting amount of paperwork -- that is true. However, the rest is really not very daunting at all. You will meet with a friendly social worker who will speak with you about the reasons you have chosen to adopt, your home and family life, your financial status, any questions you may have about adoption and/or child care issues. The social worker is there to make sure your home is a safe place for a child and that the child will have qualified, loving parents.

You will be given fingerprint cards for a background check. You won't qualify if you are a registered sex offender. You won't qualify if you have been convicted for domestic violence or serious crime. If you had a small infraction or a DUI when you were 19, it's not likely that will affect your ability to adopt. If you had 4 DUI's and the most recent was last year, it will very much impact your ability to adopt. Most people will pass a home study with flying colors. I only recall a couple of times in my 15 year adoption career in which people have failed. One time, a gentleman was speaking with the social worker and she asked him privately, "Why do you want to adopt?". His answer was, "Oh, I don't really want another child...I'm just doing this for my wife". As you can imagine, their home study was not approved. In another case, someone believed they had something on their record that they didn't (previous divorce with an ex-partner claiming violent behavior). They were not immediately denied, but it had to be determined that this was, in fact, not an issue.

One important factor in going through your home study is truthfulness. If a social worker asks you specifically if you have a criminal history and you deny it and then something even minor pops up on your record, the social worker will find you suspicious. After you have an approved home study, if you are arrested or cited for anything at all, you must inform your social worker immediately. It won't look good if something like that comes up on your yearly background check and you haven't been honest and forthright with the information. If it appears that you are trying to hide something, your home study will be denied. Trust is a very important factor.

As long as you are honest and open with your social worker and you have no serious offenses on your record, your home study should be approved and you may then begin the process to adopt a child. The home study is a very important tool for the judge who will approve your adoption, as well as ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children). When you are traveling between two states with a child for adoption, ICPC is necessary. Your attorney or agency will submit your home study and the adoption paperwork to the ICPC representative in the state in question so that you may receive approval to travel home with your new baby. You may not leave the state and go to another state for the purpose of adoption without having a completed home study. It's important to have your home study and clearances up to date (yearly), so that you will go through the ICPC process without any problems. Even if your own home state does not require a yearly update, it's important to do so because the state you may travel to in order to adopt your infant may have that rule. The home study is just a process that you must go through in order for the state to assure the safety of a child. When you look at it that way, it's an important process and well worth the effort. Your social worker may even become a good friend.