Go With the Blessing

It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?

After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.

I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.

If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.