Alcohol, Drugs, Pregnancy & Teens

The partnership at Drugfree.org and MetLife Foundation has released a new study that revealed some shocking news about today's teens and their thoughts about alcohol.  Underage drinking has become the norm and teens seem to have access to all the alcohol they wish to consume.  The attitudes of the current generation are much different from those in the past.  Today's teens see no harm in consuming five drinks a day.  68% of teens surveyed said they had consumed alcohol, and a quarter of those said they had their first drink at the age of 12 or even younger.  Top reasons for drinking included "so they won't feel left out" and "because it's fun".  Teen drinking sets up a whole domino effect of problems.  A child who is 13 or 14 may have no concept of the danger it poses, from alcohol poisoning, to vulnerability to rape or molestation, to any number of dangerous positions they may land in, with no ability to fend for themselves.  They don't believe it will happen to them or that their judgment will be impaired. They feel invincible.  They feel they can handle it.

Local teens have mentioned to me that it's easy to obtain alcohol or drugs at school and kids are actually doing those things on campus during the school day.  25% of the teens surveyed in the study stated that they had smoked marijuana in the past month.  This is a trend that is significant because for a decade, there were declines in the use of pot among teens.  Now that has turned around and use is increasing.  Small wonder, when "medical" marijuana co-ops are springing up everywhere.  Kids know it's just a front for sales.  If adults can do it, why can't they?  Ecstacy abuse has also increased dramatically, up 67% according to the study.   Often when I hear from birth mothers planning an adoption, they state that they were "at a party", "at a bar", or "drinking" when they became pregnant.  Sometimes they don't know how it happened or who they were with because there were many people at the party.  Obviously, if they weren't drinking, they would have had better control of the situation and themselves.  Putting themselves in a vulnerable position may result in pregnancy, but could result in much worse.

While parents feel powerless to stop the behavior, teens are seeing little risk in regular use of alcohol and drugs, and are increasingly trying and using them.  They see it as no big deal.  As our nation slips further and further down the list of those leading in education and technology, the next generation is medicating themselves into apathy.  So for those who are worried about the current job situation -- consider going into alcohol and drug counseling and rehab services.  We're going to need you.  Just ask Charlie Sheen.

Adoption Issues - Do Celebrities Receive Preferential Treatment?

Often times, I hear comments about how "easy" it is for celebrities to adopt. I think because we don't hear anything in the media until a baby goes home, people assume that it happened quickly. Celebrity or "high profile" adoptions as we call them, come with their own difficulties and challenges. Recently, Sandra Bullock commented that she had waited four years to adopt new son Louis. While people may find that hard to believe, it's true. Not only do high profile families have to do the same as other adoptive families (home studies, fingerprinting, etc), they are actually a little tougher to match. Given that these days most birth mothers want to know where their baby is going and want to choose the family, this presents a problem with celebrities. If they do know who they are working with, then it's possible that word will get out and the paparazzi will show up. Many times it's much harder and takes longer to match someone who may have that happen. What birth mom wants the press chasing her around? I worked with one high profile couple who found out the hard way that a social worker had leaked information to the press, presumably for a payment. The adoptive father was unable to attend the birth because reporters were camped outside the hospital waiting for him. So, it's not as easy as it may appear for high profile adoptive parents. Sheryl Crow has recently adopted a second child. She stated that it kept falling apart and that the birth mom kept changing her mind. Not so different from any adoption situation in which the birth mother is struggling with her decision. So it happens to celebrities too. Adoptive families are more alike than different regardless of who they are and what they do for a living. The same goals and desires are present. So don't believe everything you read. Celebrities are not given any special treatment or put at the top of some list. In fact, they have fewer choices than most because of their status and popularity.

Go With the Blessing

It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?

After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.

I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.

If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.

What's In A Name?

I am often questioned by adoptive families about naming the baby. While the birth mother is in the hospital, she will be asked to fill out the birth certificate form. She may put anything she wishes on the birth certificate. She may choose to name the baby herself. She may take the first name that the adoptive family has chosen and combine it with her last name. She may even put the entire name of the new baby including the adoptive family's last name on the original birth certificate. No matter what name she chooses, this should be her choice. When the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents will have the opportunity to choose the name they wish to enter on their new birth certificate. There are many ways to approach the naming process. As long as it is approached with respect for the birth mother, there are no rules. Here are some of the ways that our adoptive families have utilized to include the birth mother in the decision making process;

1) One couple each (separately) chose the top ten names for the baby girl they were about to have. They also asked their birth mother to choose her top ten names. Ironically, there was only one name which appeared on all three lists and that became the baby's name.

2) Other adoptive families have asked the birth mother what she likes for a name. If they, too, like the name, they place that on the birth certificate. If it's not a favorite of theirs, they choose a first name and honor the birth mother by placing her choice as a middle name.

3) Some adoptive parents have given the baby (when it's a girl or the name can go for both genders) the name of the birth mother (or birth father) as a first or middle name.

4) Another adoptive family chose their top three names and had the birth mother do the same. They then had her draw names to find out what would be the first name.

Sometimes adoptive families, knowing they will not likely have a large family, want to name their new child after a family member. While this is understandable, some names don't sound all that desirable to a birth mother. Talk with her about her thoughts on names so that she isn't blind-sided or keep that name as a middle or second middle name. I have had a birth mother tell me, "I'm not placing my baby with someone who would give him a horrible name like that". So, keep in mind that names can be a sensitive topic and remember to consider whether keeping a particular name is worth losing the ability to adopt the baby over.

Naming the baby can be a fun process. Will you give the baby a traditional name or a unique name? Keep in mind that while celebrities can get away with giving babies names that are extremely rare and unique, it's harder on a child who doesn't have a famous parent to walk around with a name like "Apple" or "Moon Unit". Think, too, of the spelling of the name. While we all like uniqueness, if the spelling is so unique as to cause constant misspellings or mispronunciations of the name, do you really want your child to have to correct everyone who says or writes their name? Your child may be grateful for a simple, easy to spell name.

Every generation has popular names. We all know "Jennifers" and "Michaels" When you choose a popular name, it may be beneficial to choose a more unique middle name, so that they can be distinguished if there are multiple people with the same name on their soccer team or in their class.

Keep in mind how your last name sounds with the first name you have chosen. It wouldn't be easy for your child to deal with a name like "Kevin Levin" or "Charlie Farley". You don't want to set your child up to be teased at school. For instance, if your last name is Kerr, do you really want to give your child a name like Joe? I love the name "Kara". However, had I named my daughter, Kara (Tyra), it would have sounded like "Carrot Ira". Not good! So keep your last name in mind when you are choosing the name and say it a few times fast to see what it sounds like.

Initials are important too! You want to make sure that the initials of your child's very beautiful name don't spell out something that will bring them unwanted attention. "Sarah Ursula Kilpatrick" could be fodder for teasing when you spell out the initials!

What should you do if you can't agree on a name with the birth mother? Be respectful but also honest. Let her know that you are considering her wishes and will include some form of her choice of names on the birth certificate. You can always add a name or two to the formal name and call the child the name you have chosen. There are so many good choices for a name, it should never be a deal-breaker! When it doubt, ask friends and relatives for opinions and perhaps even a few people who don't have a vested interest in what you name your child. Everyone has opinions on names!

My favorite names this year? Cambria for a girl. Landon for a boy. Once I had someone tell me that if I could help them find twin girls, they would name them Tina and Tyra. I'm still looking for those twin girls!

National Adoption Month - Celebrate Adoption

As we continue with National Adoption Month, please remember the birth mothers who have chosen to give life and make a sacrifice. In years past, adoption wasn't what it is today. I have spoken with women who were forced to make the decision to part with their child and it haunts them still. I once met a woman who gave birth at home and had her child taken away (by her father) and never knew what became of that child. She was afraid and intimidated and never spoke of it. She grew up not knowing and thinking the worst. She even assumed that her father had killed her baby. She grew to hate her father. After her father died, her mother told her where her child was (in an adoptive home) and she was able to reunite with that child and express to her how much she loved and cared for her, despite the circumstances. Thankfully, adoption today is much more open and above-board. Giving birth out of wedlock is not uncommon and not considered shameful. Adoptees are able to know their history and heritage and, at some point, even get to know their birth parents and siblings. This was unheard of even 30 or 40 years ago.

Adoption is becoming more celebrated and talked about than any time in history. On December 23, CBS will be hosting a special called "Home for the Holidays with Faith Hill". It will feature such stars as Melissa Etheridge, Tim McGraw, Jamie Foxx, and Gavin Rossdale performing. There will be inspirational stories of adoption by Martin Short, Rene Russo, Patricia Heaton, and Kristin Chenoweth. Let your friends and family know about this heartwarming special and celebrate adoption. A special thanks to all of the birth mothers who make adoption possible. Many families are born because of the selfless decisions of those who opted not to take a life, but to give it.

Internet Marketing of Adoption

The Internet is a part of our lives and is here to stay. It is a wonderful tool for gathering information and we have all come to depend upon it. However, there are times when ethical lines are crossed and good judgment goes by the wayside. I am talking about the practice of putting birth mother information or adoptive parent profiles on the Internet for all to see. The first issue I have with this is privacy. Privacy evaporates on the Internet. Even when you take things down, much of the time those old posts can be found. Personal information is out there and it's not limited to those who need to know. In many cases, there are phone numbers listed. This puts adoptive parents in a precarious position because they have no idea who is accessing that information. There's no buffer to protect adoptive families who are all too vulnerable. I wonder how many times an unscrupulous person has purported to be someone they're not in an attempt to extort money from an adoptive family. You can read about it all over the adoption chat boards (another hot topic!). Secondarily, how many birth moms are really "shopping" for an adoptive family on the Internet? On one adoption website, the adoptive families are instructed to provide their phone numbers. Presumably, birth parents (and others) call them. If the situation isn't right or doesn't match with them, the adoptive parents become glorified office assistants for the agency, writing intake information and forwarding calls to the agency. I guess it saves the agency money because they don't have to hire additional workers, but what are the adoptive parents paying for, if not service and professionalism? Additionally, I wonder how long it takes a family to match when they are competing with hundreds of other couples on the same site? What happened to taking some time to get to know a birth mother and finding out her preferences and what she really wants? What happened to telling her about prospective families who may have a common bond with her that can't be communicated in a few pages posted on a web site? Birth mothers and adoptive families deserve better than this. These websites are more like Internet dating sites, where people -- based on looks -- decide whether to "keep this one" or "throw this one out". It reeks of baby selling, with some agencies even putting "prices" on each baby. Why is this legal? I have no idea, but I object to it. I think it's trafficking in human beings. The adoption of a child shouldn't be like shopping for a puppy. Perhaps Dateline should do a show along the lines of their highly successful "To Catch a Predator", only this one would be entitled "To Catch a Baby Broker". For those who do these postings, hiding under an agency banner or behind a shield doesn't make it right. It's time that our legislators look into these practices and make some changes. If you care, write your congressperson.

Grief and Mothers

Often people say to me, "Oh, your work must be so rewarding and satisfying". Whenever I hear that, I say "Yes, it can be", but I also think to myself, "You have no idea how heartbreaking and emotional it can be too". It's always a happy event when a baby is born and goes home to a loving family. Birth is a miracle that unites families. However, for birth mothers, it can be a source of grief. A mother with empty arms is a mother, nonetheless. Even though she has made the choice of adoption for her child, she still goes through the cycle of grief that comes with losing someone or something very meaningful. It can be very much like a death in the family. I have yet to meet the birth mother who didn't love her child. Adoptive moms are no strangers to grief either. They have to grieve their infertility and childlessness before they can move forward to find other ways to build their family. Of course, a new baby erases all that pain and grief for an adoptive mom. But what about the birth mother? She goes home with empty arms and breasts full of milk. It can be a very sad time for her. Open adoption has gone a long way to helping birth mothers heal. While birth parents can give a child to a waiting family, that family can give peace of mind back to the birth mother. Just knowing that her child is healthy and happy and being cared for and given the life she couldn't provide at the time of birth helps a birth mother cope with her loss. It's important, too, for her to know what a gift she has given to the adoptive parents she has chosen. A letter and a few pictures now and then aren't too much to ask. What a long way adoption has come in the past 50 years!

When adoptive parents express to me that they are apprehensive about keeping in touch with the birth mother, it is generally because they are fearful that at some point, their child will be reclaimed and they will be left childless and heartbroken. Once it is explained that at the point that an adoption is irrevocable that won't happen, they are more willing to share. Adoptive mothers and birth mothers have a great deal in common. They share the same grief. Adoptive mothers grieve the loss of children never conceived or lost through miscarriage and stillbirth. Birth mothers grieve the loss of the child they bore, but were unable to care for, either physically or financially. When they realize that they share this grief, more often than not a bond is formed and a relationship is born. Then, both families can be united by the love they share, and the child can't get too much love.