Adoption Now and Then

It's been a while since I blogged.  I guess between the holidays, end of year, and the new year, I have been more busy than ever.  I'm going to get back into the swing of things.

Years ago, adoption was a dirty word.  You only said it in a whisper when you were talking about someone who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  It was a shameful thing because it meant someone was in trouble.  Girls who got pregnant were sent off to maternity homes or an aunt or grandma half way across the country -- the further the better.  When they came back six months later, everyone pretended that they believed whatever story was concocted to cover it up.  Women placing their babies had horrible experiences, many times not even being allowed to see the baby they had just given birth to.  Some were never even told the gender.  The baby was taken away -- spirited from the room, nurses and doctors talking in hushed tones.


In the nursery, instead of putting a last name on the card, it would say Baby Girl BUFA or Baby Boy BUFA, meaning "baby up for adoption".  I cringe at the fact that this is still used today in some hospitals.  It seems ignorant to me.  There are no illegitimate babies.  They are all legitimate.  They didn't get to determine the circumstances under which they were born and they are born without fault.

Years ago, I attended an American Adoption Congress meeting in Nashville and attended lectures given by various adoption professionals and adoptees.  I will never forget some of the stories told there.  I was moved by one woman who, without her consent, had her child taken from her as soon as she gave birth.  It was involuntary, but her father insisted, and she was a minor and so it was done.  She was never allowed to grieve, never allowed to talk about the baby or make reference to her.  I remember her saying "My father took my child away from me then, but he couldn't keep her away from me forever"....she managed to find her after 40 years.  She thought about that child every day, and she never forgave her father.

This all came back to me as I listened today as Oprah described how she recently found out something she had never known.  Her mother gave up a baby for adoption secretly.  As was the case at the time, she told no one and Oprah, living with her father, never knew she had another sister. She was divorced and couldn't afford another child, and so this was the choice she made.  Oprah has clearly been stunned by the revelation. You can imagine how she must feel deceived by her mother.  Her younger sister is named Patricia, the same name as another sister who has since died.  Patricia was able to piece together information that eventually lead her to believe that she had the same mother as Oprah.  It turned out to be true. She tried for a while to get into contact and finally spoke with Oprah's aunt.  After DNA testing, she knew she was Oprah's half-sister.

Everyone should know where they came from.  Everyone deserves that.  That's why open adoption is so much more healthy than the closed adoptions of the past.  Adoption needs to come out of the closet.  It's not shameful and it's not something to be hidden. Virtually all of us have been touched by adoption.  I'm happy that Patricia was able to find her birth family and happy that Oprah has been able to connect with the sister who she never knew about.  Congratulations to all of them.

New Beginnings

The last week has been a busy one. I spent almost the whole week on a complex adoption, but there is little pot of gold at the end of that rainbow! Baby Matthew James is doing beautifully and he'll be going home soon with Dad Eddie and Mom Joanne. It's been late nights all week because we're packing to move the office. After six years at the same location, we're moving a few miles south to a brand new office. I think it will be a great move, although who likes moving? It's a good time to sort and weed out the things you don't want to haul into the moving trucks, but a lot of work! The accumulation of the past six years is nothing short of amazing. We've grown in that time and so much has changed, and yet remained the same. Tomorrow we'll be putting in carpet and getting phone lines working. Friday we'll start the move and by Saturday, it will be complete. Well, all except for the unpacking! Monday is another week. If anyone tries to reach us from Friday to Monday, they might get a message rather than a live voice. We're not sure how long the phones will actually be down, but it shouldn't be too long and we'll be checking messages frequently. Bring on the moving trucks!

Now, everyone is asking me to talk about the octuplets born in Whittier, CA, (which, incidentally, just happens to be my home town). "Octomom" is the new term being given to Nadya, the baby's mother. The mere survival of eight babies is quite amazing in itself. If they turn out to be healthy, it will be nothing short of a miracle. Many internet websites have been created with the specific intent of venting about how a person could have 14 children in a short period of time despite the lack of income and resources. The cost of the birth and care of eight extremely premature infants is more than any of us want to imagine. Of course, we're paying for it with our taxes whether we want to or not. While I agree that it wasn't a wise choice on her part, I have a bigger issue with the physician who allegedly implanted six eggs. You can always count on some people being irresponsible in their decision making, but when participation of a physician is required, you might imagine that the doctor would put the kabosh on the idea of more than two eggs being implanted at once (the medical standard for women her age). Why a physician would risk a career and bring a medical investigation upon himself is something that is hard to imagine. She must be quite a persuasive woman. I believe this "fertility expert" has crossed the line.

Attention is a big motivator. The money that comes with that attention is an even bigger motivator. It's easy to see how a disturbed person would try to find a place in the spotlight. I'm sure the book and movie deals are sure to follow. So in just a matter of months, this woman goes from welfare mom of six, who is admittedly living on student grants and loans, to rich celebrity status with appearances on Oprah and Dr. Phil, who must be about to lose his lunch over this one. I'll leave the psychoanalysis to Dr. Phil, but it doesn't take a psychiatrist to realize that this woman has stepped off a very steep cliff. It may take her a while to make the jump back to reality, but in the meantime what happens to these babies? I certainly hope that the notariety Nadya seeks has brought some attention to the plight of these children. Some of them will likely have special needs. She already has an autistic child at home. I wonder if she has a plan or if she's just making it up as she goes along. I'm sure that we'll hear more about this story, perhaps for the entire lives of these children, who are unwitting stars of a very bizarre new "Truman" show. Life is not fair. These children may learn this lesson at a very early stage. I hope everyone involved in this very sad situation is held accountable and that somehow the children are allowed to flourish.