The Nobel Prize in Medicine - In Vitro Pioneer Wins

Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged. We've been crazy busy with adoptions and distractions lately. Before adopting, many of our families go through in vitro procedures, among other infertility options. This technology has enabled 4 million infants to be born, who otherwise would not be here. In fact, surprisingly, today the odds of a pregnancy occurring after just one in vitro cycle are approximately the same (one in five) as a fertile couple trying to conceive naturally. That's pretty amazing when you consider that the first "test tube" baby, Louise Brown, was born in 1978, during our lifetime. The technique has evolved quickly into a viable option for infertile couples or single women who want to conceive. Of course, there are ethical issues as well, which stem from what to do with the leftover fertilized eggs, age of the mother, and stem cell issues. Regardless of how those questions get answered, it is the research of Dr. Robert Edwards, in vitro pioneer, and his partner, the late Patrick Steptoe, which enabled 4 million families to have the children they so desperately wanted. This past week, the Nobel Prize in medicine went to Dr. Edwards. He is now a professor emeritus at the University of Cambridge and is 85 years old. Too often, people are not recognized during their lifetime for achievements that affect others so profoundly. I'm glad Dr. Edwards got his Nobel while he is still alive. Congratulations to Dr. Edwards, all of his patients who have successfully conceived, and the babies who are here because of him.

The Gender Selection Debate

My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.

There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.

While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.

So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.

Write It Down - Journaling While You Wait

The overwhelming majority of our adoptive families come to us after a struggle with infertility issues. One adoptive mother told me that the treatment for her secondary infertility was "ten times worse than the hormonal mood swings you deal with during pregnancy". It's no wonder, then, that potential adoptive parents are stressed and nervous about adoption right from the onset. Several of our adoptive parents have used journaling to get through the rough time waiting to become parents. I think this is a great way to be pro-active and yet, more relaxed, during the inevitable time it takes to adopt. Journaling not only provides an outlet in which to vent feelings and frustrations, it also creates a living record of the emotions that you were feeling during your "pregnancy" whether it lasted nine months, nine weeks, or years. It is a document that shows your child, years from now, how much you ached to hold him or yearned to have her. It is a reminder of the things you learned along the way -- lessons that will assist you later in parenthood dilemmas. It's great practice for problem-solving that will come with mothering or fathering. You can take a journal with you to doctor visits to document your feelings and fears. You can take it on vacation so you can journal during reflective times and ponder emotions which may be in overdrive. Writing has always been an outlet for me. I think journaling is a healthy way to get through the anxiety and the wait and to remember the value we placed on parenting, long after we have become parents and the newness has worn off.

Waiting to Adopt

Waiting to adopt is always the hardest part of the process. It's nearly the end of a very long and arduous journey. First, there are attempts to become pregnant. When that isn't successful, there are doctor visits, treatments, sometimes surgeries, injections, calendars and charts, sperm counts and ovarian scans, in vitro and GIFT and a whole host of procedures. That can go on for months and sometimes years. When all that fails, there is a grief process. You grieve over the loss of a baby that never was or you grieve over the loss of a baby who wasn't able to be born. You grieve your future and you curse your past. When the grief cycle is complete, you come out of it with a new understanding. You realize that it's more important for you to be a parent than the method in which it happens. When you come to that point, the journey of adoption begins.

You fill out paperwork for a home study, jump through all the hoops, get the needed letters of reference, meet with the social worker and bare your souls. You wonder why you have to "prove" you'll be a good parent and "qualify" for parenthood, when others don't have to simply because they can procreate. You begin to navigate the seemingly endless options and compare apples to oranges and wonder why it's so complex. You make decisions about what route to take, what road to choose. You hope it's the right one. You are anxious, nervous about the future, scared to proceed, but terrified not to.

Once you choose the agency/attorney/facilitator who will help you find that missing piece in your family puzzle, you put together a profile (no small task) and you submit yet more paperwork. And then you wait. And wait. A day seems like an eternity...and a month is more than you can bear. And then someone invites you to a baby shower and you lose it. Or a relative announces with glee that there's a baby on the way and they have no idea that it kills you inside each time it's happening for someone else. You think it will never happen for you. But, if you persevere, it will happen. The waiting, no matter how short or long it takes, is too long. You wanted a baby before you began the process. There is no real time frame. Sure, you can get averages and estimates...but it's all up to one birth mother who will eventually choose you...and who knows where she is or when she'll get here! So you wait.

Waiting does different things to different people. It's a difficult time and some handle it with quiet grace suffering silently and others are outwardly vocal and get upset easily. Sometimes it's easy to blame someone -- anyone -- for the baby who hasn't come yet. Sometimes it causes friction with your spouse (How could he possibly understand? He's a man!). It's all normal, but never easy to endure. These are your labor pains. This is what it takes to get to your goal. It will all be worth it in the end, I assure you. Even if you have a failure before you have a success, it will be worth it. The baby who was meant to be in your arms from the beginning of time will find you. Then, you will understand what the wait was all about. He or she wasn't here yet! And that one baby is the perfect one for you. I've heard it dozens of times. Perhaps this is the way we come to appreciate our children (and in about 13 years you may not be so appreciative!).

At any rate, look at the wait as time to get ready (as if anything can really prepare you for the real thing!). Read child care books. Take infant CPR classes. Get sleep and take bubble baths. Do some nesting and clean out all of your closets and donate needless items to make room for everything that comes with a baby. Keep yourself busy. Network with other adoptive parents who will empathize and share your journey. It's always easier to walk with a friend. The time will pass more quickly that way and one day you'll get that all important call. Then, your days (and nights) of sleep are over and you'll look back and wonder what you did with all of that free time. Once your world changes with the addition of a baby, you will hardly remember your past life. Adoptive parents are some of the best parents I know. This is because they appreciate what they've been through to achieve this goal of parenthood -- and they wouldn't trade the ride for anything. One of my adoptive parents (you know who you are, Annie) said "I give thanks to God every day for my infertility. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have THESE boys, who are my heart and soul". Amen.