It Goes Both Ways

Years ago, early on in my adoption career, I worked for another facilitator. That's actually where I learned the ropes and figured out how adoption can be a win-win-win situation for all involved in the triad. Over the years since then, I have participated in hundreds of adoptions and I am happy with how each and every one has turned out. There is one adoption that haunts me, and although the couple who adopted were not my clients, I became friends with the birth mother. She was a lovely girl and has developed into a beautiful wife, mother, and a lovely person.

I have always told my families "You may promise anything you like in terms of contact and relationship with your birth mother, but whatever you promise, you have a moral responsibility to stick to it". Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and if a birth parent became involved in drugs or an unhealthy lifestyle, then protecting a child is first and foremost. However, that's rare, if it ever happens.

Katie went into the adoption with a heavy heart and the request that it be an "open adoption". She requested letters and pictures and updates. She loved her son and still does. Since that time, she has married the birth father and had several children with him. At the time of the adoption, their relationship was still rocky and they were unmarried and, being the responsible person she is, Katie felt that her son would be better off in a two-parent family. She wanted him to know that both she and his birth father loved him enough to ensure his welfare, despite her own sorrow at having to part with him.

She chose a family that betrayed her and lied to her. It began insidiously when they hired an attorney for her who lived next door to them. While he was supposed to represent the birth parents, he had a vested interest in the adoptive parents. She was unaware of this until years later. Katie is resourceful. When the adoptive parents didn't uphold their end of the bargain and didn't send updates, letters, or pictures, and stopped taking her calls, she began to wonder what was going on. She did a little detective work. Merely months after the adoption of her child, the couple filed for divorce. Apparently, even during the home study process, the wife was having an affair and planned to divorce, as soon as she got the child.

Katie persisted in trying to get information about how her son was doing and, not wanting her to know about the divorce or the bad situation at home, they put her off. They didn't know she had the information already. The adoptive grandmother of her child sympathized and kept in touch with her, giving her disturbing information. Soon, each of the parents re-married and people she didn't know or choose were parenting her child. At this point, not only did they not send updates or pictures, they were actively trying to keep information from her and told her that they had "changed their minds" about the open adoption. The grandmother relayed her dismay that the adoptive parents were bitterly fighting in front of the child and there was a tug of war over him.

When she contacted the attorney, he gave her no hope for receiving the information she had been promised. Little did she know that everything she told him was repeated to the adoptive family. She had no legal representation at all. They became angry and mean-spirited and the situation became even more tense. In the meantime, Katie had a family life. She wasn't trying to contact the adoptive family every day, or week, or month. She just wanted news about her first born son. He now had full siblings. When the adoptive parents learned that the grandmother was in touch with Katie, they terminated their relationship with their own family member as well. Meanwhile, the adoptive mother became sick with a serious illness. She is now on her deathbed and expected to pass away in the next few weeks. Katie's son will be raised with a step-parent. This was not the life she had planned for her child.

There is irony here. Katie, in an effort to give her child a two-parent home, placed her child with a family which was broken before the adoption. She and her son's father married and have done well in the ten or so years since. They have healthy, well-adjusted, happy children. She is an excellent mother. I'm not saying that divorce doesn't happen, even among adoptive parents. I think it's probably more rare than among other families, but it happens. In this case, however, lies were told and Katie was purposefully deceived. That is just wrong.

This past year or so, for the first time ever, I have declined to represent a couple of families who I felt were not candidates for adoption due to family issues or substance abuse. Of course, when that happens, I'm the bad guy. But, I have to take the high ground because it really comes down to what is right for the child. If we recognize that there is trouble in a family, it's our responsibility to keep a child out of that situation. Better safe than sorry. I don't regret doing that. I only regret that Katie and her son have suffered at the hands of someone who never should have been allowed to adopt. I have wonderful adoptive families and I am grateful for that. Thankfully, to date, none of my adoptive families have failed to keep their promises. Adoptive families always worry about whether birth parents are telling them the truth. It goes both ways. Birth parents need the same assurances. After all, they have much more at stake. All Katie wanted in exchange for her child was peace of mind and a good home for him. She deserved that and so did he.

Searching for birth families

Listening to a podcast called "Journeys to Motherhood" by Barbara Winters, I smiled when I heard that a 70 year old adoptee had recently found his 90 year old birth mother. What are the odds of that? Adoptees have always searched. It's important to know who we are and we all want information about our past. Why should adoptees be any different? Background information, for adoptees, is much harder to come by. In years past, closed adoption was the norm. Getting information from closed adoption files was similar to a CIA operation. Fort Knox is less protected than some of these adoption records. In recent years, though, open adoption has become the norm and many states have opened the records. Bastard Nation -- an organization dedicated to the civil and human rights of adoptees -- has worked to change the laws state by state so that adoptees can have access to who they are and where they came from. Shouldn't everyone have access to that information? I've heard the arguments that back in the day birth mothers were promised that their records would never be unsealed. It seems to me, from the conversations I've shared with birth mothers, that most of those adoptions were sealed to keep information from the birth mothers. It wasn't necessarily the birth mother's request to have the file closed. Once upon a time, if you placed your child for adoption, your rights were severed just as totally as if you had put your arm in a wood chipper, never to be recovered. The nurse whisked away the baby after you labored to give birth and you weren't even allowed a peek at the newborn. Never mind saying goodbye. This seems like cruel and unusual punishment and the birth mother never even got a trial. It wasn't until I listened to a presentation by an adoptee who was trying to get the legislature in Tennessee to open the records that the denials by congressmen of what seemed to be reasonable requests on behalf of adoptees began to make sense. It seems logical now. Congressmen tend to be away from home a lot, either in the state capitals or the federal capital. How often do we hear about congressmen having affairs or mistresses, like the recent disclosures of John Edwards? It makes sense, then, that it would be a difficult, if not impossible, task to get the states legislatures to vote to open the records of adoptees. The adoptees get peace of mind, but what do the congressmen get? They get found out. Interesting how the whole process comes full circle.

Grief and Mothers

Often people say to me, "Oh, your work must be so rewarding and satisfying". Whenever I hear that, I say "Yes, it can be", but I also think to myself, "You have no idea how heartbreaking and emotional it can be too". It's always a happy event when a baby is born and goes home to a loving family. Birth is a miracle that unites families. However, for birth mothers, it can be a source of grief. A mother with empty arms is a mother, nonetheless. Even though she has made the choice of adoption for her child, she still goes through the cycle of grief that comes with losing someone or something very meaningful. It can be very much like a death in the family. I have yet to meet the birth mother who didn't love her child. Adoptive moms are no strangers to grief either. They have to grieve their infertility and childlessness before they can move forward to find other ways to build their family. Of course, a new baby erases all that pain and grief for an adoptive mom. But what about the birth mother? She goes home with empty arms and breasts full of milk. It can be a very sad time for her. Open adoption has gone a long way to helping birth mothers heal. While birth parents can give a child to a waiting family, that family can give peace of mind back to the birth mother. Just knowing that her child is healthy and happy and being cared for and given the life she couldn't provide at the time of birth helps a birth mother cope with her loss. It's important, too, for her to know what a gift she has given to the adoptive parents she has chosen. A letter and a few pictures now and then aren't too much to ask. What a long way adoption has come in the past 50 years!

When adoptive parents express to me that they are apprehensive about keeping in touch with the birth mother, it is generally because they are fearful that at some point, their child will be reclaimed and they will be left childless and heartbroken. Once it is explained that at the point that an adoption is irrevocable that won't happen, they are more willing to share. Adoptive mothers and birth mothers have a great deal in common. They share the same grief. Adoptive mothers grieve the loss of children never conceived or lost through miscarriage and stillbirth. Birth mothers grieve the loss of the child they bore, but were unable to care for, either physically or financially. When they realize that they share this grief, more often than not a bond is formed and a relationship is born. Then, both families can be united by the love they share, and the child can't get too much love.