Adoption Issues - Confusion Over Agency/Facilitator Options

Often times potential adoptive families will want to know the difference between facilitation and full service agency adoption. It's hard to navigate all of the options of adoption when trying to compare apples to oranges, so I thought I'd clarify what I can. Since I facilitate on a regular basis, but also do full service agency adoption, I think I can clear up a few misunderstandings.

Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.

As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.

With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.

Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.

Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.

On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.

All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.

The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).

I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.

Happy New Year

2010 - Who would have thought it would be here so fast? Weren't we just talking about Y2K and worrying about our computers crashing at the stroke of the new millenium? No one knows what to call 2010. Do we call it "Two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? My vote goes for twenty ten. If we call it two thousand ten, we doom ourselves to beginning each year of this new decade with "two thousand". And what happens when we get to the next century? It will get tedious to refer to the year as "two thousand one hundred thirty six". Better just to say 20-36, don't you think? So 20-10 (twenty-ten) it is. We refer to each decade as "the nineties", "the sixties", or "the new millineum". So where are we now? The teens? The tweens? It's all very confusing.

At any rate, I would like to wish everyone a very happy New Year. I'm looking forward to a fresh start and a change in the economy for 2010. I try not to make resolutions that I will most certainly break, like losing weight (yuck), but a friend of mine sent me a short video that made me want to make a resolution to just enjoy the journey.

http://www.dashpoemmovie.com/

I wish everyone their heart's desire. Mine is simply to live a better life, spend time with my family and fiance, and build other families through adoption.

It Goes Both Ways

Years ago, early on in my adoption career, I worked for another facilitator. That's actually where I learned the ropes and figured out how adoption can be a win-win-win situation for all involved in the triad. Over the years since then, I have participated in hundreds of adoptions and I am happy with how each and every one has turned out. There is one adoption that haunts me, and although the couple who adopted were not my clients, I became friends with the birth mother. She was a lovely girl and has developed into a beautiful wife, mother, and a lovely person.

I have always told my families "You may promise anything you like in terms of contact and relationship with your birth mother, but whatever you promise, you have a moral responsibility to stick to it". Of course there are exceptions to every rule, and if a birth parent became involved in drugs or an unhealthy lifestyle, then protecting a child is first and foremost. However, that's rare, if it ever happens.

Katie went into the adoption with a heavy heart and the request that it be an "open adoption". She requested letters and pictures and updates. She loved her son and still does. Since that time, she has married the birth father and had several children with him. At the time of the adoption, their relationship was still rocky and they were unmarried and, being the responsible person she is, Katie felt that her son would be better off in a two-parent family. She wanted him to know that both she and his birth father loved him enough to ensure his welfare, despite her own sorrow at having to part with him.

She chose a family that betrayed her and lied to her. It began insidiously when they hired an attorney for her who lived next door to them. While he was supposed to represent the birth parents, he had a vested interest in the adoptive parents. She was unaware of this until years later. Katie is resourceful. When the adoptive parents didn't uphold their end of the bargain and didn't send updates, letters, or pictures, and stopped taking her calls, she began to wonder what was going on. She did a little detective work. Merely months after the adoption of her child, the couple filed for divorce. Apparently, even during the home study process, the wife was having an affair and planned to divorce, as soon as she got the child.

Katie persisted in trying to get information about how her son was doing and, not wanting her to know about the divorce or the bad situation at home, they put her off. They didn't know she had the information already. The adoptive grandmother of her child sympathized and kept in touch with her, giving her disturbing information. Soon, each of the parents re-married and people she didn't know or choose were parenting her child. At this point, not only did they not send updates or pictures, they were actively trying to keep information from her and told her that they had "changed their minds" about the open adoption. The grandmother relayed her dismay that the adoptive parents were bitterly fighting in front of the child and there was a tug of war over him.

When she contacted the attorney, he gave her no hope for receiving the information she had been promised. Little did she know that everything she told him was repeated to the adoptive family. She had no legal representation at all. They became angry and mean-spirited and the situation became even more tense. In the meantime, Katie had a family life. She wasn't trying to contact the adoptive family every day, or week, or month. She just wanted news about her first born son. He now had full siblings. When the adoptive parents learned that the grandmother was in touch with Katie, they terminated their relationship with their own family member as well. Meanwhile, the adoptive mother became sick with a serious illness. She is now on her deathbed and expected to pass away in the next few weeks. Katie's son will be raised with a step-parent. This was not the life she had planned for her child.

There is irony here. Katie, in an effort to give her child a two-parent home, placed her child with a family which was broken before the adoption. She and her son's father married and have done well in the ten or so years since. They have healthy, well-adjusted, happy children. She is an excellent mother. I'm not saying that divorce doesn't happen, even among adoptive parents. I think it's probably more rare than among other families, but it happens. In this case, however, lies were told and Katie was purposefully deceived. That is just wrong.

This past year or so, for the first time ever, I have declined to represent a couple of families who I felt were not candidates for adoption due to family issues or substance abuse. Of course, when that happens, I'm the bad guy. But, I have to take the high ground because it really comes down to what is right for the child. If we recognize that there is trouble in a family, it's our responsibility to keep a child out of that situation. Better safe than sorry. I don't regret doing that. I only regret that Katie and her son have suffered at the hands of someone who never should have been allowed to adopt. I have wonderful adoptive families and I am grateful for that. Thankfully, to date, none of my adoptive families have failed to keep their promises. Adoptive families always worry about whether birth parents are telling them the truth. It goes both ways. Birth parents need the same assurances. After all, they have much more at stake. All Katie wanted in exchange for her child was peace of mind and a good home for him. She deserved that and so did he.

Just Like Labor

Waiting adoptive families are understandably anxious about being selected and going home with their new baby. I wish I had the crystal ball that would tell us all when the wait would be over. That would be a huge relief for all of us. The fact is, being selected by a birth mother happens when the right match comes along. When that happens is pretty much up to fate. It's easy to get discouraged and one waiting adoptive mom said to me recently, "I don't feel comfortable selling myself". That's understandable and it is difficult if you look at it that way. After doing this for almost 15 years now, I look at it from a different perspective. I have seen, over the years, how babies and families who are supposed to be together find each other. It's less about "selling" yourself and more about being in the right place at the right time. Unfortunately, that sometimes involves waiting. If it were up to us, none of our families would wait and every birth mother would have the ideal match. In order for a good match to occur, however, much goes into making sure that everyone's wishes are considered. This tends to make for better matches. If we were to try to match adoptive families simply because they are "next" on the list, then we'd have mismatches and many more situations fail. The wait is one of patience (and sometimes impatience). If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are very virtuous!

The parents of baby Stella, who went home last month, had waited longer than most of our adoptive families wait. They were understandably anxious and felt dejected and rejected. Then came Stella. She's a beautiful healthy girl and it couldn't be a better match. Adoptive mom, Rachel, stated that their birth mother "is now family". They wrote a note saying "Stella couldn't be more beautiful. We are having so much fun with our daughter. I guess good things DO happen with some patience". For what it's worth, all that waiting time disappears in an instant once there is a baby. I look at the waiting as labor pains for adoptive parents. It seems forever, but when it's over you forget about it as you enjoy your new baby. Many even do it again! Just like labor.

Advertising, Business, and the Advertising Business

Even though I do adoptions, my job is more of a glorified advertising representative, as I spend a lot of my time sorting through tear pages and placing ads. While we do mostly yellow page advertising, I'm always on the lookout for additional ways to connect birth moms to adoptive families and to promote what we do. I recently stumbled upon a new concept that I think may take off in the world of advertising and I believe in it enough to put some of our own advertising dollars into it and I am actively promoting it as a solid business concept. While I don't advocate placing adoptive parent or birth mom information out there on the internet for all to see, I do think the internet is a powerful advertising tool. I just hadn't seen a way that it might work for us. Local Ad Link is a company founded by Bob McNulty, who is commonly associated with e-commerce. He has been successful in implementing several innovative business concepts, such as Home Depot, and Local Ad Link is another one. It goes public in April and my guess is that it will take off. The reason I am talking about it is because it is a new and exciting business opportunity for not only people who are currently out of work, but also those new moms who want to stop working outside of the home so that they can stay at home with their new babies, and yet still earn an income. The current job market being what it is makes it even more intriguing. The goal of Local Ad Link was to have 4,000 representatives when they go public in April. They already have 30,000 as people recognize what a ground floor opportunity it may be. While I have been rather outspoken on the topic of multi-level marketing, this is a company that I could see working. There is no guarantee, but everyone who is in business needs advertising, and they have made it affordable and localized. If you're interested in learning more about Local Ad Link, check out the video on the following site; http://www.localads2go.com. It may be a good opportunity. Contact me if you'd like to talk more about it.

What's In A Name?

I am often questioned by adoptive families about naming the baby. While the birth mother is in the hospital, she will be asked to fill out the birth certificate form. She may put anything she wishes on the birth certificate. She may choose to name the baby herself. She may take the first name that the adoptive family has chosen and combine it with her last name. She may even put the entire name of the new baby including the adoptive family's last name on the original birth certificate. No matter what name she chooses, this should be her choice. When the adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents will have the opportunity to choose the name they wish to enter on their new birth certificate. There are many ways to approach the naming process. As long as it is approached with respect for the birth mother, there are no rules. Here are some of the ways that our adoptive families have utilized to include the birth mother in the decision making process;

1) One couple each (separately) chose the top ten names for the baby girl they were about to have. They also asked their birth mother to choose her top ten names. Ironically, there was only one name which appeared on all three lists and that became the baby's name.

2) Other adoptive families have asked the birth mother what she likes for a name. If they, too, like the name, they place that on the birth certificate. If it's not a favorite of theirs, they choose a first name and honor the birth mother by placing her choice as a middle name.

3) Some adoptive parents have given the baby (when it's a girl or the name can go for both genders) the name of the birth mother (or birth father) as a first or middle name.

4) Another adoptive family chose their top three names and had the birth mother do the same. They then had her draw names to find out what would be the first name.

Sometimes adoptive families, knowing they will not likely have a large family, want to name their new child after a family member. While this is understandable, some names don't sound all that desirable to a birth mother. Talk with her about her thoughts on names so that she isn't blind-sided or keep that name as a middle or second middle name. I have had a birth mother tell me, "I'm not placing my baby with someone who would give him a horrible name like that". So, keep in mind that names can be a sensitive topic and remember to consider whether keeping a particular name is worth losing the ability to adopt the baby over.

Naming the baby can be a fun process. Will you give the baby a traditional name or a unique name? Keep in mind that while celebrities can get away with giving babies names that are extremely rare and unique, it's harder on a child who doesn't have a famous parent to walk around with a name like "Apple" or "Moon Unit". Think, too, of the spelling of the name. While we all like uniqueness, if the spelling is so unique as to cause constant misspellings or mispronunciations of the name, do you really want your child to have to correct everyone who says or writes their name? Your child may be grateful for a simple, easy to spell name.

Every generation has popular names. We all know "Jennifers" and "Michaels" When you choose a popular name, it may be beneficial to choose a more unique middle name, so that they can be distinguished if there are multiple people with the same name on their soccer team or in their class.

Keep in mind how your last name sounds with the first name you have chosen. It wouldn't be easy for your child to deal with a name like "Kevin Levin" or "Charlie Farley". You don't want to set your child up to be teased at school. For instance, if your last name is Kerr, do you really want to give your child a name like Joe? I love the name "Kara". However, had I named my daughter, Kara (Tyra), it would have sounded like "Carrot Ira". Not good! So keep your last name in mind when you are choosing the name and say it a few times fast to see what it sounds like.

Initials are important too! You want to make sure that the initials of your child's very beautiful name don't spell out something that will bring them unwanted attention. "Sarah Ursula Kilpatrick" could be fodder for teasing when you spell out the initials!

What should you do if you can't agree on a name with the birth mother? Be respectful but also honest. Let her know that you are considering her wishes and will include some form of her choice of names on the birth certificate. You can always add a name or two to the formal name and call the child the name you have chosen. There are so many good choices for a name, it should never be a deal-breaker! When it doubt, ask friends and relatives for opinions and perhaps even a few people who don't have a vested interest in what you name your child. Everyone has opinions on names!

My favorite names this year? Cambria for a girl. Landon for a boy. Once I had someone tell me that if I could help them find twin girls, they would name them Tina and Tyra. I'm still looking for those twin girls!

Heartbreak in Guatemala

The BBC is reporting today that babies have been stolen "to order" in Guatemala. Currently, the U.S. is not allowing adoptions from Guatemala until the country is Hague-compliant, however, for years couples have been able to adopt in fairly short order from Guatemala. Agencies and attorneys in the United States networked with Guatemalan agencies, attorneys, and facilitators to find adoptable children in a country where many were placed legitimately simply because their families couldn't feed them. It is being reported now that babies have been stolen in order to place them in the homes of adoptive families in the U.S. In a very poor country, the money that changed hands for "orphaned" babies (some couples paid upward of $30,000.00) was apparently enough to incite unscrupulous baby brokers to steal the children of women who had no desire to place them for adoption. One mother has found her daughter by looking through hundreds of pictures and video tapes. DNA proved the link between the two. Many more are searching for the children that were taken. There is no good outcome in this situation. Even though they are poor, women who had their children stolen have every right to have them back. In the U.S., adoptive families unaware of the dark circumstances under which their children came to them, face uncertainty about what may happen if it is found that they were stolen and placed illegally. In most cases, both families were innocent victims. As investigations go on, almost certainly some of these babies will be reclaimed as it is determined through DNA that they are missing children. Records have apparently been altered and falsified to hide the facts, so for many the truth will never be discovered. The anguish of the mothers who lost their children is indescribable. Some face a lifetime of heartbreak. The anguish of the adoptive families who lose what they long sought to find will be equally heart-wrenching. How could this have happened? The Guatemalan government needs to answer this question and many more. This is the stuff that adoption nightmares are made of, and why so many people are afraid to adopt.

How do you know how to choose an agency, attorney, or facilitator? Nothing is ever fool-proof, but if the cost seems out of the ordinary and much higher than you anticipated, keep looking. Make sure that your adoption professional can provide references, and lots of them. If they have hundreds of families willing to vouch for them, they are doing something right. If they don't, keep shopping for a better professional to represent you. If someone is reluctant to give you references and cites "privacy" as an issue, know that when adoptive parents are happy with an adoption professional, they are typically happy to talk with other potential adoptive parents and share their story, and they give permission to share their information. They were in the same place months or years before and needed the same reassurance. Network with other adoptive families -- they are great resources. Our adoptive families are encouraged to get to know other adoptive families for support and so that the kids know other adopted children. This is a win-win situation. If an adoption professional wants to keep everyone apart, that could be a red flag. I have more to say on agencies or attorneys who "market" birth mothers and adoptive families on the internet. More on that tomorrow...