Angels Among Us

For those who wonder, I can tell you with full certainty that there are angels living among us.  I've seen many things that point to this, but none more convincing than those responding to a recent e-mail I had sent out to special needs agencies, adoptive parents, and contacts within my adoption circle.  It has always been our mission to find a home for every baby who needs one, no matter the situation.  And, thankfully, we have always found willing families, no matter the situation.  Every once in a while, a special needs situation comes up and it can be a challenge to locate the perfect family.  But, somehow, some way, there is always that special family that is the right match for the baby.  Last week, we went in search of a family for a baby who was born with severe hydrocephalus and limited brain function.  The response has been surprising.  This baby will need a lifetime of care, special attention, and will not have much potential.  Still, there are families who want this baby to be in their family.  Many families.  There are, indeed, angels among us.

Teens and Oral Contraceptives: Putting it all in Perspective

     The following article was written by a guest blogger, Matt Phillips. Matt is a young professional who has found his voice in advocating for Women's health. He has shared some good points. I would add that in terms of contraceptives, I have serious concerns about Depo Provera. I jokingly refer to it as a "fertility drug," as a good number of our birth mothers report having been on Depo at the time they conceived. Whether it is being allowed to expire or it's actually failing is unknown. I would caution all women when using this form of birth control to also use a condom as well, as it seems to be unreliable and condoms allow for further protection from sexually-transmitted diseases.

     "The advent and subsequent popularity of certain birth control methods have led to a welcome decline in teen pregnancy throughout the United States. However, these methods, most notably oral contraceptives, also bring forth a host of further risks. Unfortunately, teens tend to fixate on avoiding pregnancy, arguably because it's the most visible consequence. However, with such well-established and successful adoption programs in place to bring life to a family unable to have children, these drugs deserve deeper scrutiny before young adults hastily decide to use them.

     One major factor of these drugs is their potentially damaging side effects.While pregnancy rates in this country have declined, sexually transmitted disease rates continue to grow. However, these drugs do nothing to address that specific concern. Worse still, these pills might actually encourage unprotected sex, tempting naive young adults to believe they're safe against all the unwanted outcomes of sex. The legitimizing effects of these pills, followed by the accelerated spread of disease, are a serious health concern parents and young adults need to consider when considering an oral contraceptive.

     Unfortunately, parents cannot rely on schools to address the dangers of these contraceptives. With U.S. government's renewal of its $50 million a year funding over five years for abstinence-focused education, teens might not receive the unbiased information needed to make the right choice regarding this contraceptive. Worse still, schools might totally refuse to discuss this contraception because it conflicts with the curriculum's assertion that abstinence should be the sole method teens use regarding sexuality. With the government's strong stance against teen sex, and by extension, contraception, parents simply can't rely on schools to thoroughly discuss this particular drug.

     Even worse than schools at discussing the details of these drugs, the manufacturers of contraceptives regularly fail to mention important information regarding their safety. One producer, Bayer Health Care, was recently cited by the FDA for having misleading television advertisements about its products. Promoting their product as a total quality-of-life improvement, these ads further mislead teens into choosing these drugs based on unproven claims. Furthermore, Bayer was also cited for substandard conditions in on of the plants of its hormone-manufacturing providers.

     With the charges that have  been levied against this oral contraceptive maker, it's of little surprise that the extreme physical consequences of these drugs also have not been released by the manufacturer. These hormone-altering pills actually lead to permanent side effects, like the possibility of infertility. Originally introduced in the 1960's, some critics argue these oral contraceptives might also be to blame in the elevated cancer incidences for women in the U.S. Although easily dismissed by young people as harmless and a "safe alternative," these drugs literally disrupt many significant aspects of life including sexual, emotional, and physical health.

     In fact, the growing number of complaints against oral contraceptives, exemplified by pending Yaz lawsuits, indicates that the short-term safety of such birth control options is far from certain. Users of this particular product have seen serious, and sometimes fatal, side effects including heart attack, stroke, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, and gallbladder disease. However, because schools refuse to recognize anything but abstinence as a legitimate lifestyle, these facts are rarely discussed with teens.

     With such a strong adoption system in place and so many options to mothers, it's unfortunate so many women continue to utilize such a dangerous method to avoid pregnancy. Regrettably, a serious lack of information flow, both from schools, the media, and the manufacturer itself, is largely to blame. Worse still, young women feel they actually are protected when using this contraceptive, leading to even more undesired consequences. Like many social solutions, the use of this drug and the negative consequences it causes can only effectively be solved if teens are empowered with actual information about it limitations, side effects, and less-damaging alternatives that also protect against sexually transmitted disease. Furthermore, teaching teens that adoption is a noble act might act as further motivation for teens to take their focus of the relatively-short term effects of pregnancy and consider the serious physical consequences of oral contraceptives and sexually transmitted diseases."

Halloween Traditions - Is It Time To Change?

Halloween has come and gone once again and the kids will be in a sugar coma for the next week. I have mixed feelings about Halloween. My parents were actually married on Halloween. Can you imagine your anniversary being spent giving out candy to goblins and witches every year? Back in the day, Halloween was a big deal. I remember literally hundreds of trick or treaters coming to our door each year. My mother always counted and proudly gave us the grand total at the end of the evening (I tried last night and I don't know how she kept count!). The Halloween parties were always something to remember. We actually had bobbing for apples and some really fun haunted houses and haunted barns. It was great fun. As a college student, I worked at Knott's Berry Farm and participated in Halloween Haunt, or Knott's Scary Farm as it is known now. It was great fun (what teen doesn't love scaring children?!).

But nothing stays the same. Halloween is not the holiday it once was. One local city, Murrieta, sent out letters to all of the registered sex offenders in the city, discouraging them from handing out candy to children. This seems like a no-brainer and should be part of their parole/probation, but apparently it's not a law...but rather a suggestion. This comes just days after a local sex offender drove into the parking lot of our local sheriff's station and flagged down an officer to let him know that he had a body in the truck of his car. It turned out to be a 48 year old woman who had recently become involved with him. It's not clear if she knew about his past. Either way, he was a danger to society and we should know that. The recidivism rate with sex offenders is off the charts. Most of them repeatedly offend. The only difference is that they learn that if they leave a victim to testify, they will go to jail, so their crimes become more advanced and more sinister, if that is possible. As I write this, our local school district has reported that a man has been trying to abduct girls walking to school in the morning. What better time to do that than around Halloween, when a person can wear a costume and get away with it?

Each year on Halloween, I cringe when I turn on the news and hear what has been given out to children. Candy with razor blades, LSD dots, and rat poison in candy corn balls comes to mind. This year, I heard two bizarre stories. Marijuana legalization proponents were giving out marijuana-laced brownies (another reason not to eat anything that isn't professionally packaged). Half the time, older kids and teens were eating this stuff before they got home and mom had a chance to check out the candy. Some kids got flavored condoms in their Halloween goody bags. Not sure what this world is coming to, but maybe it's time to reconsider how we celebrate this holiday. Hmmmm...there's an oxymoron for you. Holiday = Holy day = All Hallows Eve?

Most of us wouldn't even consider sending our children door to door for other reasons, so why for candy? I know it's about the tradition, the "experience", and the fun of it, but wouldn't it be more reasonable for families with kids to get together to provide an old-fashioned costume party? If each family contributed what they would give out for Halloween, there would be no shortage of candy. With the stranger-danger that our kids face every day (and it seems like it's so much more prevalent now than it was years ago), I think it's time to reassess the Halloween traditions we all grew up with. It was either safer when we were children, or we were just all naive to the danger. Knowing it's out there, we have to protect our children. I'm sure Halloween lovers may call me a witch or something similar for saying this, but perhaps we should change Halloween traditions and ban the door to door trick or treating. It's unfortunate, but for the safety of children, we should think up a better alternative and not dangle the carrot to those who would hurt them. "Safe and sane" is a concept that should be able to be applied to any holiday, not just the fourth of July.

The Nobel Prize in Medicine - In Vitro Pioneer Wins

Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged. We've been crazy busy with adoptions and distractions lately. Before adopting, many of our families go through in vitro procedures, among other infertility options. This technology has enabled 4 million infants to be born, who otherwise would not be here. In fact, surprisingly, today the odds of a pregnancy occurring after just one in vitro cycle are approximately the same (one in five) as a fertile couple trying to conceive naturally. That's pretty amazing when you consider that the first "test tube" baby, Louise Brown, was born in 1978, during our lifetime. The technique has evolved quickly into a viable option for infertile couples or single women who want to conceive. Of course, there are ethical issues as well, which stem from what to do with the leftover fertilized eggs, age of the mother, and stem cell issues. Regardless of how those questions get answered, it is the research of Dr. Robert Edwards, in vitro pioneer, and his partner, the late Patrick Steptoe, which enabled 4 million families to have the children they so desperately wanted. This past week, the Nobel Prize in medicine went to Dr. Edwards. He is now a professor emeritus at the University of Cambridge and is 85 years old. Too often, people are not recognized during their lifetime for achievements that affect others so profoundly. I'm glad Dr. Edwards got his Nobel while he is still alive. Congratulations to Dr. Edwards, all of his patients who have successfully conceived, and the babies who are here because of him.

California Tightens Sex Offender Laws - Justice for Chelsea

California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is set to sign Assembly Bill 1844, "Chelsea's Law". Yesterday, the California Assembly unanimously passed the bill that will enact one of the nation's toughest sex offender laws on the books. It's about time. Both Chelsea King and Amber Dubois were killed by registered sex offender, John Albert Gardner III. Amazingly, despite being a registered sex offender and sporting a tracking bracelet, Gardner roamed freely around Southern California stalking victims, after serving time for another violent crime against a child. He should have been monitored. In my opinion, he should never have been released. Both Amber and Chelsea would have been alive today had he been kept behind bars. Our local Senator, Dennis Hollingsworth, has authored a bill which passed unanimously today in the senate. This bill, S85, will help families preserve the memories of their slain children. It is called the "Deceased Child Victims Protection and Privacy Act". Under this bill, the gruesome details of a child's murder and autopsy results can be sealed by the victim's family. If a family has lost a child in a perverse killing, they have every right to privacy. I can't imagine, as a mother, turning on the t.v. to see my child portrayed as a victim of sexual torture and abuse. It would be nearly as devastating as the murder itself.

New laws proposed in California require a checklist for police to follow during missing child investigations, reduce the reporting time to get authorities working on the case, and provide for a Director of Missing Child Operations, a new position in the State Attorney General's office. All of these new laws will go into effect in January, 2011. Governor Schwarzenegger will sign them all. He has stated "I am committed to protecting our children and keeping our communities safe from the threat of sexual predators, and Chelsea's Law will help to do that by creating harsher penalties on those that prey on children". I don't think the penalties could ever be harsh enough, but California is leading the way in passing laws that actually have teeth. Chelsea's Law mandates life sentences for those who commit violent sex crimes against children. No three strikes. One strike, and it's life behind bars, just as it should be. The recidivism rates for sex crimes are so high that repeat offenders are a given. In my view, a death sentence wouldn't be too harsh, but putting them in jail and throwing away the key is going to protect children from what Chelsea and Amber and their families have gone through.

If you go to the Megan's Law website and look up the sex offenders in your neighborhood and in your city, you will be astounded. They are everywhere. Time to get them out of our neighborhoods and into jail where they belong. There is no more heinous crime than a sex crime against a child.

What's in a Name?

All parents-to-be think about and sometimes obsess about baby names. The social security administration has tracked baby names for decades. Some of the most popular boy names -- Jacob, Ethan, and Michael -- or girl names -- Isabella, Emily, and Emma -- appear on the list time after time. There are some names which are becoming more popular as we speak, such as Mia, Chloe, Jayden, and Noah. There is also a trend by celebrities and others to pick original names -- names that very few others would have, such as Titan, Shiloh, Suri, Apple, Rumer, and Puma. Whether popular or unusual, a child will have to live with the name chosen for them for the rest of their lives -- or at least until they are old enough to change it. A study from the University of Oldenburg (and previous other studies) revealed that from the moment they read a school register, teachers have a pre-conceived notion about the child and unfair prejudices result. And it's not just teachers that have those prejudices. Traditional names are consistently linked to strong performance and good behavior. Non-traditional names are linked to poor performance and bad behavior. It's conceivable that if two children are talking or disrupting the class, the one who has the non-traditional name will be the one accused of causing the problem, regardless of which actually did.

In Germany, the name "Kevin" has a negative connotation. One study participant stated that "Kevin is not a name -- it's a diagnosis". This is how deep the prejudices against certain names run. In another study, children of equal intelligence were taught by the same teachers over a several year period. The performance of African American children with unusual names declined, while the others achieved. If teachers do not believe in the potential of students and give up on them, then their performances will decline. Such prejudices can have a drastic impact on the life and future of a child.

What then, do you think would happen if someone named their child "Lucifer" or "Damien"? What about "Chastity, Satana, or Madonna" for a girl? Unusual and difficult to spell names, specifically African names like Chiamaka, Narkeasha, Jevonte, or blended names like Kenesha, Marquesha, or Jamanda might all be names that would influence others in terms of their opinion of that child. Stereotypes are never good, but we know people tend to stereotype and unusual names could lend to that.

In one study, women with desirable names were considered more physically attractive. In another study, a group of teachers and teachers assistants were asked to grade a number of tests and essays. Unknown to the assessors, they were each marking the same essay under different names. The unconventional names scored much lower across the boards. There is evidence to suggest that children with "made up names" don't do as well at school and don't have as much success. If it is assumed (incorrectly, of course) that a child with an unusual or misspelled name comes from a family that is uneducated, that child may be discriminated against and it may be assumed that the intelligence of that child is lower than that of his or her peers.

When considering names, consider the consequences. You don't have to choose the most popular baby names, but check them out and make sure that they aren't so unusual or difficult to spell that a child will have to defend their name or spell it for everyone from teachers to team captains. The image a name brings forth is important for the success of that child.

Apply a few rules to naming a child; 1) Don't tell people about the name you are considering for your child. Everyone will have an opinion, 2) Choose a name for success, rather than a name for your own edification, 3) Have a few names you like, but wait until you meet the baby before you choose a name.

You can't personally educate everyone in the world about what your special name means. Choose something that automatically has good associations. This will benefit your child.

Methamphetamine Use in Pregnancy

Having worked in Labor and Delivery and the field of adoption, over the years I have attended many deliveries. No matter how many I see, it's still a very emotional, touching time when a child comes into the world. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to attend a delivery locally. After months of being matched, birth mom and adoptive couple were more than ready to have a baby. The delivery itself pretty much went off without a hitch. Everyone who needed to be present was there. The adoptive father just made it with less than a half hour to spare, but was there to see a beautiful baby girl enter the world. The baby who would call him "Daddy". The pictures I took of the adoptive parents holding their new baby said it all -- complete with tears of joy and shock that they had just become parents.

Right after delivery, the baby was quickly bundled up and covered to keep her warm. Once she was passed around the room and everyone had a chance to say hello, she was taken to the warmer to be unbundled, weighed, measured, and bathed. It was then that I heard the nursery nurse softly say to another nurse, "Have you ever seen that?". "No" was the answer. These were seasoned nurses and I knew that there was likely an anomaly. I made my way over to the warmer to check and see what they were talking about. This beautiful baby girl, born only moments earlier, had a condition called "microtia", in which the outer ear is not formed and there is no external auditory canal opening. Upon hearing that there was a problem, the birth mother stated, "I did this to her -- it's my fault". While everyone in the room heard the comment, it didn't register right away. Did she do this to the baby?

Earlier in the pregnancy, when the birth mom came to my office, she was excitable, fidgety, nervous, and couldn't sit still. She was scratching repeatedly and at that time I was concerned about Methamphetamine use and asked her. She stated openly that both she and the birth father had used drugs, including Methamphetamine, in the past, but that she was not using it currently. The adoptive parents and I had talked often and openly about the possibility.

After the birth, the adoptive parents wanted to get home and have the baby evaluated at the earliest possible moment and once they were free to leave the state and go home, they immediately made appointments with doctors at a medical center not far from their home, considered one of the top children's hospitals in the country. Thankfully, there are specialists there who are very experienced in treating this condition. Upon meeting with the doctor, the first question asked was "Was there Methamphetamine use during the pregnancy?".

The stats are staggering. 40% of all active drug users in the U.S. are Meth addicts. They outnumber alcoholics and pot smokers by far. Who are meth users? Anyone. Students use it to stay up late and study. It helps them stay awake and presumably to concentrate. Others just enjoy the high of being on speed. Women often try it to lose weight. You lose weight and more. You lose the ability to make rational decisions. You lose your job and your financial freedom. You can lose your family and friends. You can lose your life.

What effect does Meth us have on a developing fetus? In women who are pregnant and use Meth, risks to the fetus include premature delivery, low birth weight, cerebral infarctions (resulting from reduced blood flow to the fetal brain or by direct toxic effects), congenital anomalies (including cleft lip/palate, microcephaly, microtia, coloboma of the iris, choanal atresia, and cardiac defects). In addition, neonates affected by maternal Methamphetamine use may exhibit abnormal reflexes, extreme irritability, increased muscle tone, tremors, lethargy, poor feeding, and abnormal sleep.

We haven't seen many Meth babies, but the most common risk in using Meth during pregnancy is prematurity. When mothers use Meth during pregnancy, they can go into labor early, and it is difficult (if not impossible) to stop the early labor with traditional methods. If a baby is born too early and with insufficient lung maturity, that fact alone can cause death or many other complications.

When a baby is born with unexpected complications and an adoption is pending, there is a moment of pause and consideration for the challenges about to take place in taking care of a special needs infant. I was impressed when this couple immediately took on the challenge and never waivered, at least outwardly, in their commitment to adopt this child. Initial shock was replaced by quiet resolve. This baby will get the best medical care possible. It's going to be a bit of an uphill battle. Her surgery can't take place for years, so she must be fitted with a special band around her head which will enable her to make out sounds. Because "hearing aids" are not covered by insurance, it will be a $2,000.00 out of pocket medical expense for her parents. Certainly, this is just the beginning. But they are committed to giving their daughter a wonderful life and all of the benefits modern medicine has to offer. Mom is a nurse. I've always said that I believe there are no accidents and babies always seem to find the right home. This situation, while uncommon, is no exception. She is where she needs to be.

Methamphetamine is the most used illicit drug of our day. It is so highly addictive that we are going to see more and more people addicted over time. While studies are relatively new and there isn't a lot of long-term data, we don't know what we don't know. There may be many more complications we haven't yet seen. Alcohol has long been considered the worst drug for a gestating baby. Methamphetamine may be just as dangerous when used during critical times during pregnancy. I realize that those who are addicted are going to have a difficult time when told not to do it during pregnancy. However, if you are going to go through and entire pregnancy to preserve the life of that child and also to go through with an adoption plan with an adoptive family, remind yourself that one day of Meth use, a few drinks at the wrong time during gestation, or any exposure at all can cause irreversible damage.

Note: While researching the effects of Methamphetamine, I came across many terms that are used to put a name to the drug. The terms in use are "meth, crystal meth, speed, chalk, go fast, tina, ice crystal, and glass". Can you imagine my horror? I don't want my name associated with anything so sinister and harmful. So, if you're ever referring to "Methamphetamine", please don't call it "Tina".

Depo Provera - Birth Control or Fertility Drug?

As you might imagine in adoption, birth control and fertility issues are often topics of discussion in my world. Over the past few years, I have observed that most birth moms weren't irresponsible or careless. Their birth control method simply failed. Which method seems to fail the most? By a landslide, Depo Provera. I have often joked that with a little tweaking, it could become the next fertility drug. Whenever I am contacted by a birth mom who wants to make an adoption plan, we discuss everything - from the timing of the pregnancy and the birth father, to her future plans and birth control. Much of the time, there was an effort to prevent pregnancy. In the literature, it says that Depo Provera is 97% effective in prevention of pregnancy. I'm not sure why, then, a preponderance of birth moms who call have been on it. It would seem that the 97% figure isn't even close to the true percentages. A friend of mine went on Depo for a short period of time. She experienced one of the many listed side effects, bleeding during the course of the medication. The Depo shot is administered every three months. My friend experienced moderate bleeding for the entire three months. She said it was like having a period the whole time. So, then, it's no wonder it should be a successful form of birth control. It's not surprising that a woman wouldn't feel like participating in the kind of activities that would cause pregnancy while consistently bleeding. However, for those who are able to tolerate it and are sexually active, it seems that pregnancy is a real risk. The other side effects of Depo Provera are abdominal pain or discomfort, weight changes, headache, asthenia (weakness or fatigue), and nervousness -- all symptoms which can also be attributed to pregnancy, and which mask a pregnancy should it occur. I know a few babies who are testimony to that.

One study found an association between using Depo-Provera and higher incidence of chlamydia and gonorrhea. I'm not sure how other methods of birth control fared in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's apparent that women who are on birth control seem to get a feeling of security about not getting pregnant that also crosses over to sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously, that's where condoms are a better choice. They are, according to the literature, when used correctly, almost as effective as Depo. In reality, I believe they are much safer in terms of preventing pregnancy, and certainly safer than other methods for preventing STD's.

It would be interesting to see a current research study done on unplanned pregnancies which include the forms of birth control used and the failure rates of each. In the meantime, if you want to get pregnant, try Depo Provera. It seems to work.

Happy 4th of July

4th of July has always been a little bittersweet to me. As a child, I loved the fireworks and hated the effect they had on the animals. As an animal lover, I was worried about my pets and those of others when they got scared and panicked at the sound of fireworks and explosions on the 4th. I was raised in Oklahoma, where "safe and sane" (how sane?) fireworks were all the rage. I learned young that more animals are lost during that time than most other times of the year. As an adult, I celebrated the 4th for my children. Both of my parents passed (24 and 22 years ago)just before 4th of July. They were laid to rest on July 3 (my Mom) and July 5 (my Dad). My Dad passed away of cancer on July 1, just 11 days before my brother's wedding. It was a joyous day couched in sadness.

My Dad was a cool guy. He was all that a Dad should be. He was a great story teller -- one of those rare few who could command the attention of even fidgity little ones for long periods of time as he described in flowery detail his childhood in the Depression and World War II battles in Okinawa and Guadalcanal, where he was shot and wounded, only to go back into battle and be shot again. He saw many of his buddies die as they landed on the beach to take the island of Okinawa from the Japanese. He saw enough death to truly respect life. He survived all that. He was a Marine. He was a tough guy, and fair. He liked justice. He also liked babies and animals. He loved holding babies. He didn't care whose baby it was -- babies made him smile. Whether a genetic trait or acquired, I guess I got that from him. He called every baby he came in contact with "Squeaky". He'd see one passing in a stroller and say, "Hi Squeaky!". Kids loved him too. They gravitated towards him like magnets. He was easy to talk to, non-judgmental and, as a teenager, even when I didn't think he was cool, all of my friends did. When a cousin ran away from home, and didn't seem to trust any adults, she called him to come get her. He worked at a large market and more than once brought home kids who were scavenging for discarded and expired food in the dumpsters behind the store. We didn't have much, but our door was always open to kids who needed help. I remember one named Celeste. He brought her home a few times. She sought to escape from a violent home life and would come to us with black eyes and bruised ribs, hungry and tired. One time she slept for almost three days. She never asked for anything, but accepted help when she needed it and then went on her way. I heard years later that my Dad had gone to her house and told her father that if he ever did that again, he'd beat him so badly that no one would recognize him -- and he meant it.

My Dad enjoyed bowling and introduced my brother and I to that sport and we enjoyed it too (so much that my brother was able to go pro later on). We'd spend hours bowling or score keeping (back in the day when a kid could earn a few bucks doing that). One of our friends from the bowling alley came in one day and said he'd been kicked out of his home. He was a good student and had a friend who would let him stay at his home, but had no transportation. He asked my Dad to co-sign on a motorcycle. I heard my Dad say to him, "I will co-sign for you, but if you miss one payment or can't show me good grades and an insurance card, I will take the bike." Firm but fair. Ron told me later on how much that meant to him.

When my Dad died and we had the funeral, it was a small sort of intimate group, perhaps only about 60 people in attendance. But every one of them had a story. One girl came up to me and said, "I couldn't have gone to school if it weren't for your Dad. He paid for my books." I knew my Dad was a good guy, but the fact that other people knew it too was very heartwarming. He was not a wealthy man, but whatever he had he always shared. He was just my Dad. He died July 1, 1986. So the 4th of July is a little bittersweet. I miss him, but he gets to see all the fireworks from Heaven. Happy 4th of July.

Adoption Book Review - The Best For You

Often times I am asked by adoptive parents how they should tell their child they were adopted. Rather than having a specific moment or an event that ends up being "that moment" when they found out they were adopted, I tell them to read books, tell the adoption story, look at pictures and always talk about it when they are little. Always, the conversation should be age-appropriate. Answer any questions they have in the most honest and positive way you can. That way, when they get older and someone asks, "When did you find out you were adopted?", the response is generally, "I always knew".

The bigger question becomes, "Why?". I recently came across a book that was written by a birth mother from that perspective, so a child can understand why they were placed for adoption. It's a good book to use to introduce the topic. It is called "The Best For You" and was written and illustrated by Kelsey Stewart, who has placed two children and is the parent of two more. In it, she explains that "Adoption is God's love given twice". This book is written for small children and lets them know that adoption is all about love. The book ends with the line "Adoption means I wanted the best for you". It's a positive look at adoption that a child can understand.

If you have an adopted child and want a good bedtime story or positive reinforcement for adoption, you should have a copy of this book on your bookshelf. You may order it on Amazon on this site.

How Green Can You Get?

Like everyone else these days, I'm leaning towards green energy and keeping our planet more balanced. With that in mind, I received a unique gift. I love babies. Everyone knows that. And babies make poop. So, I guess it was a no-brainer when my fiance found a gift that tied it all together. Poopoopaper. Yes, you read it right. I was all excited when I opened the mystery box that arrived in the mail. What could it be? Inside, there was a box with sheets of note paper -- all made from 100% recycled elephant dung. Imagine my delight!

After I stopped being grossed out and before I started laughing about it, I read the insert. It turns out that it's not a bad idea. Elephants are facing the destruction of their natural habitats and, with their size, they need a lot of habitat. They eat mostly plant fiber at the rate of up to 600 lbs. per day. That creates about 220 lbs. of dung per day per elephant. That's a lot of poo poo. So, what to do with all the poop? Someone with a great imagination figured out that since about 60% of what an elephant eats in a day is not digested but rather just comes out in it's original form, that volume of plant fiber could be washed and boiled (thank you) and pressed and made into paper! I'm trying not to think about the process, particularly in it's early stages of development.

The funds generated from the poopoopaper are used for the upkeep of elephants and conservation projects relating to habitat. So, I guess it's not only helping the planet to recycle all of this plant waste, but it's also helping the elephants to live and thrive. That fits in with the green theme for sure. I want to support that. In fact, recycling plant fiber by harvesting poo poo is about as green as you get.

If you're interested in seeing what products poopoopaper has to offer or you just want a unique gift for someone you feel ambivalent about (I didn't say that), just go to their website at www.poopoopaper.com. Next time someone says they're "going green", you can teach them a thing or two. Thanks, Honey, for the lovely gift.

Adoption Issues - Do Celebrities Receive Preferential Treatment?

Often times, I hear comments about how "easy" it is for celebrities to adopt. I think because we don't hear anything in the media until a baby goes home, people assume that it happened quickly. Celebrity or "high profile" adoptions as we call them, come with their own difficulties and challenges. Recently, Sandra Bullock commented that she had waited four years to adopt new son Louis. While people may find that hard to believe, it's true. Not only do high profile families have to do the same as other adoptive families (home studies, fingerprinting, etc), they are actually a little tougher to match. Given that these days most birth mothers want to know where their baby is going and want to choose the family, this presents a problem with celebrities. If they do know who they are working with, then it's possible that word will get out and the paparazzi will show up. Many times it's much harder and takes longer to match someone who may have that happen. What birth mom wants the press chasing her around? I worked with one high profile couple who found out the hard way that a social worker had leaked information to the press, presumably for a payment. The adoptive father was unable to attend the birth because reporters were camped outside the hospital waiting for him. So, it's not as easy as it may appear for high profile adoptive parents. Sheryl Crow has recently adopted a second child. She stated that it kept falling apart and that the birth mom kept changing her mind. Not so different from any adoption situation in which the birth mother is struggling with her decision. So it happens to celebrities too. Adoptive families are more alike than different regardless of who they are and what they do for a living. The same goals and desires are present. So don't believe everything you read. Celebrities are not given any special treatment or put at the top of some list. In fact, they have fewer choices than most because of their status and popularity.

A Sad Day

Today is just a sad day. Everywhere I look there is news that is just...sad.

The situation in the Gulf is making me feel sick. Our beautiful pelicans, sea turtles, birds, fish, and wildlife are all coated with oil and many are dying. The oil isn't just on the surface. It is throughout the entire mile high water column. Everything that comes in contact with it is endangered. Fish can't breathe as it gets in their gills. Birds can't fly. Turtles are washing up on the beaches. Where is our government? I guess I put too much faith in those who have the power to do something. I understand the desire to drill for oil. I just don't understand why it is allowed a mile under the ocean where it can't be repaired to stopped in a crisis such as this. On land, this would have been capped quickly. It is polluting the Gulf, killing the animals, destroying white sand beaches. Those responsible say it may take another two months before the leak is stopped. It has been six weeks and 30% of the gulf is not safe for fishing at this point. How can they allow it to go on for so long? Our President has said that BP, British Petroleum,will have to pay for the entire clean up, so why not call in every expert available to get the problem solved and then bill it back to British Petroleum? BP is taking heat for the billions in dividends they were planning to pay their stock holders. Of course, they were going to do this without consideration for how much money they would need on hand to pay for the clean up. All the while, our President, our Congress, and even the States along the Gulf, seem to be sitting back and allowing the company who caused the problem sit around trying to figure out how to fix it.

Further South, Joran van der Sloot, the Dutch man who was suspected in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway five years ago, has been taken into custody after fleeing Peru. Exactly five years to the day after Natalie went missing without a trace in Aruba, A young Peruvian woman was killed and found in van der Sloot's hotel room. Her neck had been snapped and she had been beaten. She died on the floor and was left there, presumably by van der Sloot. Witnesses saw her enter the room with him, but she never left. I'm not sure what kind of a defense you can have after two young women mysteriously turn up dead, but it's obvious that this is young man has issues. Like O.J., he may have a good legal team, but everyone knows who did it.

Speaking of our government, a government survey released by the CDC yesterday indicated that a growing number of teen girls are using the "rhythm" method to avoid pregnancy. Since most teens (64% of boys and 70% of girls) think it's okay for an unmarried female to have a baby, it's a risk they seem to be willing to take. The teen pregnancy rate, is no longer dropping as it was in years past. 17% of teen girls are saying that they use the rhythm method of birth control. The study showed that 42% of never-married teens had had sex. Since that includes young teens, we can safely assume that most teens over the age of 15 are having sex. My high school health teacher had a saying that I still remember;

QUESTION: "What do you call a teen who uses the rhythm method?"
ANSWER: "A parent".

We're doing a placement with two small children this week. Birth mom is a 23 year old young woman who has given birth to five children. She stated to me that "I had five kids before I knew what what happening". Now, with no father in sight and no help from family and no job because she can't afford day care care for five children, she is having to make this difficult decision. She has already given up her youngest, now a 1 year old. The 2 year old and 3 year old will be placed with an adoptive family next week. She is going to parent the first two, ages 5 and 4. How do you explain to children that age what happened, why, and where their siblings are? It's a difficult and sad situation for everyone. I don't think the rhythm method is working and expecting teens to be abstinent in such a sexually-charged society seems naive. Beyond birth control, young people are taking risks with their health. A pregnancy ends in 40 weeks. Some STD's are forever. We can't presume that they get it. If you have teens, you should probably have "the talk" ...weekly.

Adoption Issues - Child Sexual Predators Have Rights Too

Dear Friends and Adoptive Parents:

One of our adoptive families needs your help. While we didn’t participate in this particular adoption, all of us who believe in adoption and the best interest of children should be concerned. This is the nightmare of any parent. Please do what you can to spread this message, ask for laws to be written or changed, notify the media if you have connections, send others to our blog, where it will be posted. Especially those of you in PA can help. This is urgent and needs your attention. Please share with any other adoptive parents or child advocates that you know. Feel free to e-mail Kristin (below) to let her know you are working behind the scenes on her family’s behalf. If each one of us makes a small effort, the result will be big.

Tina Tyra
Executive Director
A Labor of Love Adoptions

Please read this letter written by Kristin.

"To all those who care for children:

As I sit, in the quiet and peace of a spring evening, I am puzzled by what to write to move your hearts to join our fight. Just as I am about to close my laptop, frustrated, I simply look to our baby sleeping peacefully. Please picture in your mind a small baby, just months old, safe and loved in a secure home. She breathes in and out, oblivious to the wrongs in this world because right now she is loved without abandon. She is clean, happy, fed, maybe a little spoiled, and has an unbelievably bright future ahead of her. She smiles in her sleep, and I think to myself how blessed we are to have her in our lives. Her hair shines with a gleam of auburn by lamplight, and I think her eyes will be blue, like mine. I know in my heart that there is no difference between parenting a biological child and an adopted one. In this moment, the world seems right.

Now, picture another side of our country’s reality. Picture innocent children, being taken advantage of by the most despicable form of humanity; those who commit crimes against children. Picture our baby, who was so lovingly placed in our arms by her birth mother, taken away to a life which will very likely revolve around crime, drugs, sexual assault, and neglect. You may think to yourself, “This would never happen!” Think again, because it happens every day. It is a sad fact that our criminal justice system has not caught up to the explosion of child pornography, rape, assault, and molestation, partially due to the availability and anonymity found within the internet.

At this time in our country, we have a crisis. This crisis revolves around our children. The crimes against our most innocent, vulnerable citizens are on the rise, and our current criminal justice system is not equipped to deal with this new generation of criminals. We ask that you read our story, and contact your local lawmakers to push for new laws to protect our kids. Make phone calls, write letters, and speak out for those who can’t speak for themselves. Ask for laws that remove parental rights of those who have committed crimes against children such as rape, assault, and child pornography. Do you know that men who have raped and assaulted females under the age of 13 are walking the streets and claiming they have the right to seek sole physical custody of a child? Our child’s birth father has pleaded guilty to this and other crimes, and our criminal justice system seems to want to hand him a new victim on a silver platter, simply because he is the “biological” father. Let’s make a difference and save our baby and many others before we read about them as a tragedy in the newspaper or hear about it on television.

Our family has been waiting to adopt a baby for 3 ½ years. In January, we met with a birth mother who selected us to care for her baby. Her reasons were many, but two were primary concerns. First, she wanted the very best of everything for her baby, and at that time, she could not provide it. Secondly, she wanted to protect the baby from the birth father, who is a convicted sex offender on Megan’s List. We agreed to be the baby’s parents and waited in excited anticipation for the birth. Initially, when the birth father was first notified, he resisted the idea of the adoption, but after the baby was born he asked our attorney to come up to the jail where he was incarcerated and “talk about everything.” Our attorney told us that he knew we had the baby and did not resist. He asked her if we would send letter, pictures, and possibly even a DVD. He told her he was probably going to sign the papers when he got out the following the week.

Since that time, he has filed for custody, which forced our birth mother to revoke her consent. We presently still have physical custody of the baby. We are told by our attorney, that our chances are slim because we have no rights and he is the biological father, therefore, he has rights to his child. The rights of the baby or the birth mother are not being considered. We are currently in a court battle to hopefully gain “standing” so we can gain the rights of parents to fight for the baby’s best interests. Does it seem crazy to you that the current justice system allows a man who has raped children (by his own admission) and has multiple charges for crimes against children including child pornography, to file for custody of a baby girl? What good is Megan’s Law Website if we do not use it to protect the children? We are ready to fight the fight for our baby, alongside her birth mother, but really, who are we compared to a pedophile with parental rights? His rights supposedly supersede everyone’s, including the child’s best interest. He is supposed to be incarcerated again, in the near future, for child pornography and yet our fight for our baby continues, with his rights supposedly prevailing.

Please, picture that baby sleeping peacefully, and join us to help keep her happy and healthy. We ask you to please, contact your local representatives, lawmakers, and even news media. Write letters, make phone calls, pray, and spread the word that our children need protection from these predators. Ask them to create and push for laws to take away the rights of sex offenders to hurt more innocent victims. Stricter and more specific laws are needed for these types of crimes. Our dear ones must be protected. Please join us in our fight. If every person writes one letter and forwards this e-mail to just a few more people, we can make a difference. Our daughter and other babies need your help to keep them safe from sexual predators, biological or otherwise."

Sincerely,

Eric and Kristin
e-mail: awaitingfamily@hotmail.com

Baby Blessings

John Travolta and Kelly Preston are Hollywood's elite. Everyone knows them, but they are just like everyone else. They experience the same joys and sorrows as everyday people. Last year, we were all saddened by the loss of their 16-year old son, Jett, after a particularly severe seizure in which he struck his head and was killed. It was revealed that he had medical issues including autism. John and Kelly were extremely close with their son, as they are with daughter, Ella. Last week, they suffered another family tragedy. Their two beloved dogs were struck and killed by a vehicle on a tarmac while waiting to board a plane. They were leashed and had no where to run. Amidst all of this tragedy, a ray of hope. The couple announced Tuesday that Kelly, now age 47, is pregnant. They have had their share of heartache and they deserve a blessing in their lives. Congratulations John and Kelly.

Adoption - Welcome Home Abby & Ella!

I received a wonderful e-mail regarding Mother's Day and wanted to share it with everyone. It truly made me smile. This is what can happen when you're waiting for one newborn! Amy & Bob waited a while and were, I suspect, getting a little discouraged about the adoption process. And then it happened. We got a call from a young lady in Alaska who couldn't manage the four children she had and wanted a good home for her youngest, twin girls. Because they were not newborn, we sent a message to our families asking who would be interested. We received a fairly large response and the birth mom had quite a few good choices. She chose Bob and Amy and while I don't normally recommend adopting children older than your youngest, I knew that this was a good fit and that it would work. On so many levels, it was a perfect match and it's been a fairly seamless transition. This from Amy...

"Dear Tina -

Mother's Day was fantastic! Who would have thought last year at this time that I would be the mother of three? Not me!

The girls are doing very well. They have both adjusted nicely to their new names, new room, new family, new everything. They are so resilient! We have made our first trip to the pediatrician, to the dentist, and to have them evaluated developmentally. Everything has gone well. Both girls are working with a speech therapist and they are already speaking volumes better than when they first got home two months ago. It's hard to believe it has been two months -- Wow!

I think Garrett has finally realized that his sisters are here to stay. It is really neat to watch them interact. Garrett and Ella both have a very physical approach to playing. They enjoy being outside, running, climbing, and physically immersing themselves into everything they do. Garrett and Abby, on the other hand, play more make believe stuff. They play house together, in their play kitchen and with little people, etc. They all laugh hysterically together, which brings us such joy! At the end of dinner, they break into songs -- everything from the ABC song to Jesus Loves Me to Row Row Row Your Boat (none of which the girls had ever heard before). They sing at the top of their lungs and clap wildly for each other. Heaven!

When we first got home, we had a variety of friends who brought us meals every night. What a blessing! My mom came and stayed with us for a month too. That was helpful beyond words! We had people we didn't even know dropping off toys, clothing, etc. In fact, I was at a Tastefully Simple party and a woman there heard me talking about the twins and said, 'Hey - I know you! I heard about your story on my prayer chain. I've been praying for you since February!' Can you believe that? Talk about goose bumps.

Obviously I could go on and on. I can tell you this -- We cannot imagine our lives without Abby and Ella. They are such a perfect fit! They have already brought so much to us and to our family. We are blessed beyond measure."

I can picture the kids singing and clapping for each other. In the pictures, you can just see the joy on their faces. This is what family is all about. Welcome to your family Abby & Ella!

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

Adoption Issues - Special Needs and Older Child Adoptions

I've discussed recently the challenges of adopting older children. There is no real road map for parenting, but adopting a child who has special needs or has been through traumatic experiences can be particularly difficult. There are books that can help navigate the process and give some guidance and hope. Every child should have the opportunity to live, learn, and grow with love. If you are planning to adopt or are already parenting a child who may have ongoing difficulties with feelings of abandonment, separation, or who has special needs, you may benefit from these books. I would love to hear from those of you who have experiences with reactive attachment disorder or issues relating to the feeling of abandonment related to being adopted. The more we know, the better we can parent these children.

Adoption Issues - Confusion Over Agency/Facilitator Options

Often times potential adoptive families will want to know the difference between facilitation and full service agency adoption. It's hard to navigate all of the options of adoption when trying to compare apples to oranges, so I thought I'd clarify what I can. Since I facilitate on a regular basis, but also do full service agency adoption, I think I can clear up a few misunderstandings.

Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.

As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.

With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.

Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.

Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.

On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.

All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.

The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).

I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.

Protect Our Children - Buy American

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is screening imports from China for children's jewelry said to contain cadmium. Cadmium is a carcinogen and is highly toxic. Symptoms of cadmium exposure may start hours after the exposure and may include cough, irritation of the nose and throat, headache, weakness, dizziness, fever, chills, and chest pain. More prolonged exposure can result in poisoning the liver and kidneys with kidney failure. Kidneys can shrink and kidney damage due to cadmium is irreversible. There can be a loss of smell. Bones can also be affected, losing bone mineral density and causing risk of fracture and bone weakness. In extreme cases, mere body weight can cause fracturing of the bones.

There has been a voluntary recall of 19,000 "Best Friends" charm bracelets made in China. They have been sold at a chain of jewelry and accessory stores called "Claire's", found in many malls. There are over 3,000 Claire's stores. The jewelry contains high levels of a toxic metal - cadmium. Federal regulators are checking other imported jewelry from China to determine of there are other instances of the same metal being used for jewelry items for children. Children put jewelry or items they play with in their mouths.

If you know of anyone who has purchased jewelry at Claire's, please make them aware of this recall. In the U.S., toys, jewelry, and all consumer items are regulated and anything with cadmium or other known toxins is not allowed to be manufactured and sold. For some reason, imports from China and other foreign countries are not scrutinized as closely and they are making their way into our markets. There is one simple solution to this problem. It would go a long way to keeping our children safe and may even turn around our problems with employment and the economy. Look at labels and be aware. Buy American.

The Adoption Duggars - A Day in the Life

We've all heard of the Duggars -- the family on TLC with "19 Kids and Counting". Well it's Mother's Day this weekend, so that family does come to mind, but so does another one. I call them "The Adoption Duggars". Parents Michelle and Jim Bob are replaced by Katie and Dale. Katie was an only child and is making up for that big time. I've known Katie since the early days, just after she adopted two sets of siblings. Her first foray into motherhood came in her mid-30s when she adopted six children at once, four girls and two boys, all around the ages of 9, 10, and 11. Now the pre-teen era isn't pretty, but when you have six kids all the same age range, well, it makes me wonder how Katie still has hair, much less the waist-length tresses she sports. I'm not even going to talk about hormonal changes here (kids, not mom!).

Once those children grew older, they adopted again. This time a set of triplets and their sibling sister. I'm not sure Katie knows how to parent in small numbers. She was so used to multi-tasking by this point that she just took it all in stride. Humor punctuates the mix. It would have to. After the triplets came the desire for an infant, since they had never parented a baby. One lonely baby boy later, they adopted another sibling group of three young boys -- ready made playmates. At fourteen kids, you'd think that hearts and hands would be full, but wait! They had never parented a baby girl, so the search was on. That adoption happened on the day before Halloween last year. Just after they found out that their baby daughter was on the way, they got unexpected news. They had previously applied to adopt in Ethiopia to save a child. They felt that they could make a difference in one child's life. Not only did they receive news that they had been approved to travel to Ethiopia, they found out they were getting twins!

So, our "Adoption Duggars" have children who are 24, 23, 22, 22, 21, 20, 16, 14, 14, 14, 9, 7, 6, 6, 8 months, 8 months, and 6 months. This includes one set of fraternal triplets and one set of identical twins, the last of which are paired with a baby their age making them pseudo-triplets. The score is girls 9, boys 8.

I asked Katie what her typical day was like. Mistake. I got tired just reading about it. She sent me her itinerary for May 1. It goes like this...one son has community service 9:00am-1:00pm; four youngest boys have dance 11:30am-12:00pm. Daughter has dance 12:00pm-2:30pm. Two daughters, aunt, and three baby girls, along with mom have a mother/daughter tea to attend from 11:00am-1:00pm; 16 year old has a formal dinner to attend so there is hair, make-up, dress, corsage, etc. Must be at school by 4:00 pm; One daughter has to attend awards banquet at school from 5:00pm-7:00pm with Mom and Dad (highest GPA award in her grade level-9th); Oldest son has to be to work 7:00am-2:00pm; another son has to work from 9:00am-3:00pm; daughter works 5:00pm-9:30pm; 16 year old has to be picked up from formal at 11:00pm. Katie classifies herself (among other things) as the "air traffic controller". She coordinates rides to and from all activities. That's no small task when you filter in that anyone taking the younger children must drive the big van. While there are four drivers in the house (some of the kids are on their own), there are three vehicles and with all the taxi rides going back and forth, it takes a fair amount of logistical planning just to get everyone to and from their activities.

This is just one day in the life and doesn't include dental and doctor visits, football or baseball sign-ups (birth certificates in hand), drama team practice, bell choir practice (national competition) at church, girl scouts, volunteering, college classes and school graduations (college, trade school, high school, and kindergarten!), end of year programs, and normal activities like grocery shopping and laundry. Laundry -- four washers and four dryers -- need I say more?

Seriously, I had trouble getting one or two kids out the door and to school on time each morning. I can't even imagine the logistics! I told Katie that I thought perhaps she must be buying energy drinks in bulk. Her response was that she drinks McDonald's sweet tea. I don't know what's in that stuff, but it must be pretty powerful! I'm gonna have to try it. After all, I still have one left in the nest.

Katie is having a bit of Mom withdrawal, having just sent one son off to boot camp with mixed emotions. Even one little birdie leaving the nest is stressful!

So, again this year, Katie gets my vote for Mother of the Year. She does crazy amounts of work, all while managing a job and she does it with humor. Dale is no slouch either, caring for the kids when Mom is working. They have it all down to a science. They get where they need to be and no one misses a thing. They even traveled to California to go to a wedding and Disneyland (before the babies) and I marveled at their level of efficiency. Each child had a backpack and a pillow. Katie and Dale had one suitcase full of blow up beds. A trip to McDonalds? 30 Hamburgers please! It never mattered to Katie and Dale what race or gender the kids were. The only criteria was "Do they need us?".

On this Mother's Day, my hat is off to Katie, and all of those other mothers out there with big or small families. Mom is the cog in the wheel -- the one person needed to make everything work. When you contemplate motherhood, with all of it's challenges and sleepless nights, think of Katie and you'll realize you can do it!

Abortion Law - Oklahoma Gets it Right

Today Oklahoma's new anti-abortion law was temporarily blocked while it is reviewed for constitutionality. In my view, the law is a good one and will be allowed to stand. The Center for Reproductive Rights is arguing to have it struck down. It stands to cut into their profits as abortionists. The Oklahoma law seems to be the bridge that has been needed for a long time. While many people nation-wide are reluctant to completely disallow abortion in favor of maternal right to choose, this law allows the mother to choose, with a caveat.

Before undergoing an abortion, under this new law, a mother would have to have an ultrasound, see the beating heart, and hear about the stage of development of her child. She should know this before terminating a pregnancy. It's a medical fact and shouldn't we all be informed before any surgical procedure?

While this new law is among the strictest in the nation, it makes the most sense. In counseling women who were post-abortion, I have heard many times, "I had no idea what I had done until I got pregnant again. I didn't know that the heart was beating in the first trimester. I didn't know that the baby was fully formed. What did I do?". In abortion, there is as much psychological damage as physical damage -- sometimes more. So making sure that women know what they are doing seems prudent and is in keeping with the overall care of the mother.

When a woman undergoes any medical procedure, her physician is required to describe the procedure and the risks to her. Why should abortion be any different? It's different because given the information and viewing an ultrasound would likely change the minds of many who are considering abortion. This would put a big kink in the budgets of family planning clinics around the country. Some people couldn't afford the new cars and perks. Abortion is big business and big profit. It's less about womens rights and more about selling them the alternative -- an alternative that means some people get wealthy from others' mistakes. Planned Parenthood and The Center for Reproductive Rights have a lot to lose. They're defending their way of life. Now there is an irony.

Adoption Issues - Sandra Bullock Adopts Trans-racially

Just as I blogged about racial and gender preferences and how Americans prefer light-skinned girl babies, Sandra Bullock has adopted trans-racially. She's broken down a number of barriers and adopted an African-American baby boy. Little Louis Bardo Bullock was placed with Sandra and her soon-to-be ex-husband Jesse James three months ago, just prior to the Oscars, where Sandra won the Oscar for Best Actress for her movie, "The Blind Side". Perhaps it's life imitating art, or perhaps Bullock just has a heart for children and identified with the role. In any event, when a celebrity adopts, they tend to get more press and people take notice of what they do. You would think that in 2010, there would no longer be racial barriers, but there are and likely will be for some time to come.

One of my adoptive families has experienced racial prejudice within their community and with teachers of their children. That seems hard to grasp but it happens in America in the 21st century. Kudos to Sandra Bullock for being courageous enough to break through the racial taboos and just be a mom.

I have worked on some high profile or celebrity adoptions and there is always an assumption that high profile couples or even singles have an easier time adopting because they have money, or power, or influence, or all of the above. Sometimes, the exact opposite is true. Ms. Bullock began the adoption process four years ago. That is much longer than most adoptive families wait, depending upon preferences. Gender preferences can lengthen the wait considerably. Celebrities have more to contend with than just the typical home study and background check. They have to locate a birth mother who is willing to keep things quiet. Paparazzi can ruin the experience for a couple who is recognized wherever they go. Open adoptions are certainly possible for celebrity families but it's difficult to maintain a relationship with the birth mother if she is being stalked by the press. There are a host of challenges that typical adoptive families don't face.

Sandra Bullock is a case study in grace. She has had the highs and lows of her lifetime all in a period of a few short months. Without fanfare and without drama, she has handled her husband's infidelity with dignity and resolve. She is a woman who is an example for all women. Her attitude is empowering. Congratulations on your adoption, Sandra, and thanks for showing the world that you are an example of what you said when you accepted your Oscar, "Thank you to the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from". Well said and well done.

Adoption Issues - And The Research Shows....

Economists from the California Institute of Technology (CalTech), the London School of Economics, and New York University have conducted a formal study and have discovered what those of us in the adoption field have known for years. It's nice to know that our suspicions are validated! The researchers, in a study that lasted over a five year period, found that the study revealed several distinct patterns.

First, Non-African-American babies are seven times more likely to attract the interest of an American adoptive parent than an African-American baby. Second, female children are more attractive to adoptive parents overall than male children, by more than 33%. Thirdly, gestation comes into play. The interest of an adoptive family will increase with the length of gestation. In other words, children are more desirable if they are due immediately versus earlier in the pregnancy. The desirability of a child decreases after they are born and continues to decrease.

Anyone who works in the field of adoption knows that there is greater demand for girls and that it's harder to place minority children. Ironically, many birth moms do not have ultrasounds prior to choosing a family, so often the gender is unknown at the time of the match. For those waiting for specific genders - always more families waiting for girls than boys - it can be difficult to match when the gender is known in only a small percentage when matching. Of course, many find out later on the gender of the baby they are carrying, particularly if pre-natal care is started later on in the pregnancy. That doesn't help us in the matching process!

I have my own theories, but I would love to know the reason(s)that girls are in higher demand than boys. If you thought about carrying the family name, the opposite should be true. However, that is not the case with adoption. Almost always if an adoptive family has a boy, if they have a preference for their second child, it is for a girl. On the other hand, many adoptive families who have a girl want another girl, rather than a boy. The "ideal" family used to be described as Mom, Dad, a boy and a girl. Not so much these days.

The studies have shown that American parents pursuing adoption tend to avoid taking African-American babies and boys. When ultrasounds are done, boys are more easily identified (sometimes it's not easy to identify whether the child is a girl or a boy with undescended testes), so we see more identified boys or unidentified gender babies even when ultrasounds have been done. More irony - there is a higher demand for girls, but it's easier to identify boys. On top of that, more boys are being placed than girls and perhaps that equates to more boys being born than girls, since much of the time birth moms make the choice to make an adoption plan before they know the gender. An old wives tale says that "In a time of war, more baby boys are born to replace those males lost in battle". While we can wonder how Mother Nature would know that, it seems to ring true if you look at the birth rates. So we have more baby boys and minority babies, while the demand is for the opposite.

So, hats off to the researchers who found this phenomenon to be true. I'm going to e-mail them and ask why it's true! For those who are waiting for a specific gender baby, particularly girls, -- this is why it takes more time to find them.

Adoption Is Forever

Last week, Nancy Hanson of Tennessee put her 7 year old adopted son, Justin, onto a plane to Russia with no more than a note and a goodbye. Upon landing in Russia, he showed up unannounced at the Child Protection Ministry. This set off an international investigation that may leave in limbo many American families who are already in the process of adopting in Russia. Russia has suspended adoptions to Americans until a new treaty is put into place with the U.S. Ms. Hansen, a single woman, defends her actions contending that the child was violent and she was concerned about her family's safety. The agency that assisted with the placement reported that as recently as February, they had spoken to Ms. Hanson and she had not indicated any problems. Ms. Hanson stated "It wasn't that he was just energetic and wearing us down, it was the violent tendencies and he had to be watched all the time". In my opinion, all children of that age must be "watched all the time". If he had violent tendencies at age 7, this is something that generally can be corrected with therapy.

There are conflicting stories. Ms. Hanson claims that once he learned English, Justin talked about being abused and beaten at the orphanage. Russian officials state that he has told them he was abused by his American family. He stated he was yelled at and his hair pulled. Ms. Hanson felt that the "final incident" that convinced her that she should send Justin back was when she caught him starting a fire with papers in his bedroom. That is a concern, but what child won't play with matches or lighters if they get the chance? They have to be taught not to do those things and this boy never had a chance. I find it telling that he had access to anything that would start a fire or that he wasn't supervised to the point of having time and means to do such a thing. Instead of a learning experience, this became another lesson in abandonment.

The U.S. government is troubled and is doing everything they can to repair the relationship with Russia's Child Protection Ministry and to minimize the damage our citizens have sustained to their reputations. Russians are viewing Americans as monsters who would callously abandon children. Investigators will have to determine if Ms. Hanson committed a crime. In my view, she did. Child abandonment, child endangerment, and many other child welfare laws may have been broken. Beyond that, she has broken a child's heart. Ms. Hanson had many options, including therapy, asking for the intervention of a social worker from the agency, and ultimately could have asked the agency to disrupt the adoption and place him with another American family who had the time and means to deal with the issues he presented. It has been reported that she was trying, at the same time, to adopt another Russian child.

I believe there is more to this story and that there are likely more issues with the mother than with the child. Regardless of whether you give birth or adopt a child, you don't stick a note on their shirt and send them off on a plane alone to face the world. Abandonment is an ugly word and an even uglier concept. This woman obviously did not take her commitment to this child seriously. If our children have problems, we deal with them. If our children are sick, we take care of them. A child so young has so much potential and instead of working with him to make his life better, she sent him packing. I wonder what that child's concept of "family" really is. I wonder how much this incident has harmed him, beyond what has happened to him before. I do believe he needed to be out of that situation. It is obvious he wasn't loved. Today is his birthday. Happy 8th birthday, Justin. Some of us Americans are sorry for what you have had to endure.

Adoption Issues - We're All Pro-choice

Someone pointed out to me today that we're all pro-choice. Some of us are pro-life and some are pro-death, but we're all pro-choice. We each want our own choice. I worked in Labor & Delivery for seven years. For two of those years, I was a neonatal bereavement counselor. It was my job to go into a delivery room where a woman was either going to give birth to a deceased baby, one that would most certainly expire, or had already expired. It was my job to gently take the baby, give the baby a bath, take footprints and hand prints -- as tiny as they might have been. It was my job to photograph the baby in perspective -- next to a flower or a small reminder of how little that baby was. Then, I would dress the baby in something nice -- often doll clothes since preemies are sometimes no larger than the palm of your hand. The child would then be wrapped lovingly in a baby blanket and presented to the parents, so they could hold, be with, and grieve the loss of their baby. To say it was heart-wrenching is an understatement. I grieved my own losses, particularly my son Cody, who was also born deceased and very premature. I sat with Moms, Dads, Grandparents, and siblings and cried right along with them. So very precious was this life they lost. Anyone who has gone through such a trauma is pro-life. The death of a baby is such a devastating loss. A life unlived. It's so unnatural to be witness to an angel taking flight.

It's interesting that a baby born at 25 or 26 weeks can, with support and care, grow up to live a normal life. And yet, in many states, it is legal to abort a child of that gestational age. If you read the book "Gianna", it will give you insight as to what happens to babies when they are aborted. Gianna is a woman who was actually aborted, and lived to tell about it. After being burned by saline and forced from the uterus, she came out crying. The doctor put her aside, assuming she would die. When she didn't die after an hour, she was finally taken reluctantly to a hospital. She was burned by the saline abortion and because of the trauma and forced prematurity, she suffered cerebral palsy. She was adopted and has lived as full a life as one can with cerebral palsy. She is sharp as a tack. She wrote a book. How can anyone advocate for the right to hurt a child? I've known people in the past who would save a puppy or rescue a kitten and would criticize someone for dumping a litter off the side of the road to die. And yet they advocated for abortion.

If you drink and drive and you run into someone who is pregnant and you kill their unborn child, case law indicates that you can be held accountable for manslaughter and even second degree murder. Yet, if that very same woman continues on down the road to an abortion clinic and allows the life of her child to be taken, we are told, "It's a choice". Not much of a choice for the baby. We have double standards.
Why is it that the very same baby can be viewed as a precious family member and as an expendable nuisance depending upon circumstances? Who should get to play God?

So, when all of this debate in Congress centers around tax dollars (mine and yours) being allocated for abortion at will (which is what the law reads, despite what is being sold to us as a Presidential over-ride), I have to object. I spent too much time comforting those who lost the opportunity to parent. There are too many more who want to parent the unborn who may be, at a cost to us, discarded and thrown in the trash. It's tragic, it's senseless, and it's costing us so much - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It's like the bumper sticker that says, "Abortion - One dead, one wounded". The mother doesn't walk away unscathed. Often I talk to women who are now considering adoption because they have aborted before and can't reconcile that with their conscience. A woman once told me, "I will never be able to forgive myself and I hate myself for what I did". Post-abortion, women look down at the babies they have and they think to themselves, "That was one of them. What did I do?". Some have a very hard time forgiving themselves. Abortion providers are so quick to identify the problem as "pregnancy tissue" or "products of conception" -- very sterile terms for a beating heart, don't you think? As Americans, we can't claim to the rest of the world to be humanitarians if we are killing our own babies. Yes, that sounds harsh, but isn't that what is happening? There will always be exceptions to every rule, but those should be offered by physicians trying to save a life that may be in the balance. Outside of that, there are better options.

Congressman Bart Stupak sold out. Supposedly a vehement pro-lifer, his vote was the tipping point. I wonder what he was promised by our President in order to get him to reverse his stance, compromise his ethics, and vote for a bill that states abortion should be available to those who want it and should be covered by health care insurance paid for by taxpayers? Back door deals and dirty politics are now the norm. How did we get to the point in this country where the votes of the congressmen who are supposed to be representing the people are bought and sold? And at what price? Very simply - the price of a life. No, make that millions of lives. Innocent lives.

I have seen and attended many births. I have worked in a newborn nursery. I have been present in adoption situations for support during delivery. I've never seen a baby and felt "That one should have been aborted". Not once. Not every baby is what you may consider "perfect". But what I have found is that every baby is perfect for someone. I will never support having my tax dollars or my business' tax dollars go for abortion at will. The fact that this is "the law of the land" -- my land -- is sickening to me. I would love to be able to support our President, but I can't. Mr. Obama claims to be Christian, but supports the right to choose death and wants me to pay for it. I find that hypocritical and offensive. How is that my choice?

Adoption Issues - Older Child Adoptions

In the past, most of the adoptions we have assisted with have been for newborns. When the economy went South, we anticipated having more than the average amount of newborn adoptions, simply because birth mothers generally place because they are not in a good place financially and can't manage working and paying for day care for a newborn and possibly other children. That problem would be increased with job losses and the lack of financial support from other sources. However, it hasn't worked out that way, but rather the birth rate has gone down and abortions are up. It's possible that many birth moms who place their infants for adoption start out at a place where they think "Perhaps I can do this" and only find out later in the pregnancy that they can't (father has disappeared or income has changed) and they decide to go forward with an adoption plan. In recent months, knowing that they can't manage because of the lack of a job and the pressures of trying to support kids in the current economic environment, some tend to opt for abortion. All it all, it seems that everyone is being more careful about unplanned pregnancy because of economic hard times. Perhaps that is why the birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression.

However, we are seeing a trend we didn't anticipate -- the voluntary placement of older children. There are older children in the system and that has always been the case, because they are removed from homes where there is abuse or neglect. They go into foster care until it is decided that they may be adopted. Now we are seeing birth moms who wouldn't normally place their children choose to make an private adoption plan. Financial hardship is affecting already established families in a way we didn't anticipate as well. For a mom to go to work, she needs day care for her children. If she is single and has three or four kids, the cost of day care can be higher than her earnings. Welfare doesn't cover all of their needs. This leaves them with no way out, except to consider placing one or more of their children for adoption, so that they can get on their feet, work, and support themselves and their other children. This doesn't typically happen when there is only one child or the parent is not overwhelmed. This can be a heartbreaking reality for some women. It's not a choice they would normally make, but one they are faced with nonetheless.

Open adoption is more difficult when a child is old enough to remember a parent. On one hand, you don't want them to feel abandoned. On the other hand, they will tend not to adjust and feel a part of a new family if they are waiting for their birth mother to come back for them. It seems cruel to give them that hope when the adoption plan has been made and they will be integrated into a new family. A child of three or four is old enough for an explanation that they can understand. Siblings should be considered as well. Once a child has been allowed to integrate into the new family, then after a period of time, the relationship with the birth mother can be re-established. Of course birth mom and adoptive family should keep in touch in the meantime. It's just important for the child to be allowed to adjust and gain his or her place in the family, so that they feel like a family member, not a guest in someone's home.

Older child adoption is much more complex than infant adoption. A child may need therapy to adjust and accept a new life. While they are adjusting, it's best to move slowly and easily through the changes, rather than rocking their world with a name change or a completely foreign situation. They should be allowed to have their comforts -- their toys and loveys (a blanket, favorite stuffed animal, a pacifier, or whatever they cherish). If their name is to be changed, it should be gradual. Can you imagine going by your name one day and all of a sudden having people call you by something totally different the next? That would be a bit like being in the Twilight Zone. It can be very disorienting for a young child.

For those considering older child adoption, it is a good thing to offer a child a loving, stable home. But keep in mind that it is a gradual adjustment. A psychologist once told me that for every year (or month) that a child has lived outside of your home, it will take them that long to adjust to being in your family once they get inside your home. So for a two year old, that means two years. That's a long adjustment time, but it's realistic. A child under the age of a year will adjust more quickly. A child of three or four will have memories to contend with and insecurities about being moved again. It takes a lot of patience but, for those who have patience to offer, can be very rewarding indeed.

Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward

Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.

Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!

What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.

In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.