In the past, most of the adoptions we have assisted with have been for newborns. When the economy went South, we anticipated having more than the average amount of newborn adoptions, simply because birth mothers generally place because they are not in a good place financially and can't manage working and paying for day care for a newborn and possibly other children. That problem would be increased with job losses and the lack of financial support from other sources. However, it hasn't worked out that way, but rather the birth rate has gone down and abortions are up. It's possible that many birth moms who place their infants for adoption start out at a place where they think "Perhaps I can do this" and only find out later in the pregnancy that they can't (father has disappeared or income has changed) and they decide to go forward with an adoption plan. In recent months, knowing that they can't manage because of the lack of a job and the pressures of trying to support kids in the current economic environment, some tend to opt for abortion. All it all, it seems that everyone is being more careful about unplanned pregnancy because of economic hard times. Perhaps that is why the birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression.
However, we are seeing a trend we didn't anticipate -- the voluntary placement of older children. There are older children in the system and that has always been the case, because they are removed from homes where there is abuse or neglect. They go into foster care until it is decided that they may be adopted. Now we are seeing birth moms who wouldn't normally place their children choose to make an private adoption plan. Financial hardship is affecting already established families in a way we didn't anticipate as well. For a mom to go to work, she needs day care for her children. If she is single and has three or four kids, the cost of day care can be higher than her earnings. Welfare doesn't cover all of their needs. This leaves them with no way out, except to consider placing one or more of their children for adoption, so that they can get on their feet, work, and support themselves and their other children. This doesn't typically happen when there is only one child or the parent is not overwhelmed. This can be a heartbreaking reality for some women. It's not a choice they would normally make, but one they are faced with nonetheless.
Open adoption is more difficult when a child is old enough to remember a parent. On one hand, you don't want them to feel abandoned. On the other hand, they will tend not to adjust and feel a part of a new family if they are waiting for their birth mother to come back for them. It seems cruel to give them that hope when the adoption plan has been made and they will be integrated into a new family. A child of three or four is old enough for an explanation that they can understand. Siblings should be considered as well. Once a child has been allowed to integrate into the new family, then after a period of time, the relationship with the birth mother can be re-established. Of course birth mom and adoptive family should keep in touch in the meantime. It's just important for the child to be allowed to adjust and gain his or her place in the family, so that they feel like a family member, not a guest in someone's home.
Older child adoption is much more complex than infant adoption. A child may need therapy to adjust and accept a new life. While they are adjusting, it's best to move slowly and easily through the changes, rather than rocking their world with a name change or a completely foreign situation. They should be allowed to have their comforts -- their toys and loveys (a blanket, favorite stuffed animal, a pacifier, or whatever they cherish). If their name is to be changed, it should be gradual. Can you imagine going by your name one day and all of a sudden having people call you by something totally different the next? That would be a bit like being in the Twilight Zone. It can be very disorienting for a young child.
For those considering older child adoption, it is a good thing to offer a child a loving, stable home. But keep in mind that it is a gradual adjustment. A psychologist once told me that for every year (or month) that a child has lived outside of your home, it will take them that long to adjust to being in your family once they get inside your home. So for a two year old, that means two years. That's a long adjustment time, but it's realistic. A child under the age of a year will adjust more quickly. A child of three or four will have memories to contend with and insecurities about being moved again. It takes a lot of patience but, for those who have patience to offer, can be very rewarding indeed.
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