Flying the "Unfriendly" Skies

Recently while traveling, I had the rare occasion to use an airplane restroom.  I avoid that necessity whenever possible, always making a pit stop between connecting flights.  People who know me well would tell you that I am tad phobic about public restrooms that are anything less than sterile (is that an oxymoron?), particularly on airplanes.  But, regrettably, with my plane landing late and greeted by a "now boarding" sign on the monitor upon checking my next flight, there was no time to stop.  I barely made my flight even at a full sprint.  For those who have never changed planes in Phoenix, you can't know the terror of having to get from a "C" gate to a "D" gate in a short period of time. If you have ever trained for a half-marathon, then you may be prepared.  For those of us who haven't, it feels like miles anyway.

I digress...after getting settled into my "back of the bus" seat because of my late arrival, I realized that it would be better to use the lavatory early in the flight.  You ladies all understand.  So, with a sense of dread, I made my way to the back to the lavatory.  When using an airline restroom, it's a good idea to position yourself before entering the lavatory because once the door is closed, there's no turning around -- literally -- at least without touching all four walls.  And that's the absolute last thing you want to do.  It's a balancing act to be sure and, judging by the condition of the floor, others have not balanced so well. It occurred to me, in that moment, how unfriendly the skies really are -- most notably for children.

Take a look around.  Literally everyone you see anywhere you go is either a child or was a child at some point in time.  There are a couple of issues here.  Anyone who is already a parent (or is female) can tell you that it's difficult to maneuver with children in public toilets anyway.  Never mind not having enough room for one adult to function well.  If your child is young enough to need assistance, good luck -- and make sure you have a packet of sanitary wipes on hand.

If you are the parent of an infant and you are flying four or five hours (or more), chances are that a diaper change will be in order.  Oh, you do have options!  You can change your child on your lap -- risking a mess and offending your neighbors.  The tray tables are too flimsy to support the weight of an infant, and who wants to eat on a changing table anyway?  Then you have the floor.  The only floor space is in the aisle, which is just wide enough for your carry-on (not your hips unless you move sideways), unless you are in the front row, where you are not allowed to stow your belongings, so you won't have access to your diaper bag. Privacy is pretty much out the window in either of those two venues.  That leaves the bathroom.

I challenge anyone (and some of us truly are expert diaper changers, even in a pinch) to find a way to balance a wiggly baby either on top of the closed toilet (yuck!), or on the 3 square inches of wet counter space provided.  Of course, you do have privacy, even if you can't turn a full 360 degrees.  But just how can you bend over in a closet not even hospitable to turning around?  Here's hoping you can change a baby in space because you'll have to hold it up in the air and, in this case, gravity is not your friend.

That got me thinking -- When you hear about a plane being stuck on a tarmac for a couple of hours (or in a few cases many hours) due to weather or circumstances, what is a mother (or father) to do?  Can you imagine either babies not being changed at all or being changed in a packed (think Southwest) plane?  Bring on a problem with the ventilation or air conditioning and this is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Adoptive parents are particularly vulnerable to these problems.  More often than not, they must fly home with their newborn child.  They may have several connections or may have to travel long hours internationally.  There is no choice of whether to leave the baby at home with grandma.  They're trying to get home.  We can send astronauts to the space station, but we can't manage a kid-friendly bathroom on a plane?  Women did not design these aircraft!

So here is my proposition.  Are you a parent?  Do you want to become a parent?  Were you ever next to a child on a flight?  Do you have a mother?  That pretty much covers everyone.  If so, write a letter.  Copy it to as every airline you can find an e-mail or snail mail address for.  Ask that they start taking everyone's comfort into consideration, as this affects everyone on the plane!  Ask that there be a real changing table on every airline.  Ask that they allow enough room for a parent and child to maneuver comfortably -- never mind that a handicapped person has no chance of being able to use the facilities as is (how do they get away with that?).  Mention that you intend to fly only "family friendly" airlines.  And while you're at it, make a pitch for seats that don't involve sharing your neighbor's personal space (okay, so that request has already fallen on deaf ears so never mind that).  I want us to inundate the airlines with requests so that they will take it seriously.  Post it on face book, share with friends, pass out a form letter or petition with multiple signatures.  After all, it's a revolution.

Teen Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood

With the popularity of the newer reality shows on teen motherhood like MTV's 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom, some people believe that teen motherhood is being glamorized and that more teens will become pregnant.  Only time will tell if these programs will have an impact on teen pregnancy, but most states, including California, are reporting a reduction in teen births in their latest statistics (from 2009).  In California, the birth rate dropped to a new low, falling from 35.2 for every 1,000 teens in 2008 to 32.1 in 2009.  That is mirroring the national birth rate, which has continued to decline over the past two years, presumably due to the economy.  Our national birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression, which is a significant statistic.  In addition, abortions are up.  With fewer pregnancies and more abortions, it necessarily follows that there are fewer adoptions. 

Interestingly, while the birth rate among Latino teens dropped more than other groups, the Latino birth rate is still the highest among all ethnicities in California.  At 50.8 per 1,000 Latino teens, Latino girls are at high risk for becoming pregnant as teens.

Teen motherhood is anything but glamorous.  There is a higher rate of abuse among teen mothers and there are many negative consequences to the children of young moms.  Typically fathers disappear or were never involved from the beginning.  Financial resources are few, and teen moms rarely get a chance to continue their education and go on to college.  Their own childhood cut short, they don't get to experience some of the rites of passage that their peers do -- from prom to date nights to sorority parties and meeting new and interesting friends at college.

Why then, do more teens not consider adoption?  I think peer pressure is the answer.  I have worked with teen moms who knew that they couldn't parent properly and wanted to go to college or into the military and they were harangued by their peers.  "What kind of mother are you?" or "How could  you give your baby away?" are some of the things said to young ladies I know who had made the best decision for their children.  "It's hard enough to give up your child without having to defend that decision", said Rachel, one of our former birth moms.  She was right.  If that was the right decision for her and she wasn't hurting anyone and her baby was going to a good home, why should anyone try to make her feel guilty for opting to give herself and her child a better future?  Teens can be vicious and judgmental.  The fact is, they don't see the big picture.  Not until they have tried to parent will they understand how difficult such an undertaking can be as a teen with no foundation or resources.  When a young mom opts to place her child for adoption, rather than aborting that child, she is taking a big risk that her peers will condemn her and she will be ostracized.  Why, then, is killing a child more acceptable?  Teens empathize with their peers who have undergone an abortion and they support them.  Yet, when adoption is discussed, they present a whole new attitude.  It's as if, once you have decided to give birth, you are expected to deal with the consequences.  It's almost a punishment.  If you choose adoption over abortion, you are somehow the bad guy.

Teens need to start supporting their peers and there needs to be more mentorship by others who have gone through adoption, parenting, and abortion.  I can tell you from counseling abortion survivors that it's no picnic.  There is guilt and remorse, and fear of retribution (by a higher power).  It is revisited once they have children later on and realize with full clarity just what has happened and that they can not bring that life back.  It's tragic when our society has become more tolerant of abortion than adoption.  There are unplanned pregnancies, but there are no unwanted children.  I have homes for them all.

Adoption Book Review - The Best For You

Often times I am asked by adoptive parents how they should tell their child they were adopted. Rather than having a specific moment or an event that ends up being "that moment" when they found out they were adopted, I tell them to read books, tell the adoption story, look at pictures and always talk about it when they are little. Always, the conversation should be age-appropriate. Answer any questions they have in the most honest and positive way you can. That way, when they get older and someone asks, "When did you find out you were adopted?", the response is generally, "I always knew".

The bigger question becomes, "Why?". I recently came across a book that was written by a birth mother from that perspective, so a child can understand why they were placed for adoption. It's a good book to use to introduce the topic. It is called "The Best For You" and was written and illustrated by Kelsey Stewart, who has placed two children and is the parent of two more. In it, she explains that "Adoption is God's love given twice". This book is written for small children and lets them know that adoption is all about love. The book ends with the line "Adoption means I wanted the best for you". It's a positive look at adoption that a child can understand.

If you have an adopted child and want a good bedtime story or positive reinforcement for adoption, you should have a copy of this book on your bookshelf. You may order it on Amazon on this site.

Update on Zamo

Last week, Zamo had successful grafting on the skin of her leg and foot. She's walking and doing well! She is even going up and down stairs now. Zamo will be returning to her native Swaziland next week, on July 20. She will have to keep her foot covered so that it will heal without exposure to the sun. For someone used to walking around barefoot, I'm sure socks and shoes feel a bit confining, but she's doing very well.

I am hoping to be able to assist Dr. Bush in getting some donations for Anti-venom for the part of Swaziland where Zamo lives. There are many remote villages that have no medical personnel, clinics, or doctors nearby. In the hours it can take to get someone to a hospital, they can easily die. With anti-venom available, there is the ability to buy time and save lives. Since many of these lives are children, I think it's important that we help where we can. Anti-venom costs $100.00 per vial for the type of serum needed for that area. It comes 10 vials to a case. I am hoping that by Christmas, we can send at least one case, and then go on from there.

Our local Rotary has given some gifts to Zamo, although she still needs some shoes and personal items so that she can keep her foot and leg clean while it heals. If anyone wants to help, please send me a note and I'll make sure we can get what is needed before Zamo goes home. Otherwise, we're going to start working on the anti-venom. It is tax-deductible through Loma Linda University Medical Center's non-profit status.

I'm thinking some of our adoptive families will have children's clothing and shoes to donate. We should be able to ship some things for Zamo's village later, so if you have any items you don't need that would benefit a child, please let me know.

Dr. Sean Bush and his wife A'me are the angels who have really assisted Zamo and her mother so that they could get the necessary care needed for her foot. I'm not sure how they moved the mountains to get her here, and I know it was a great undertaking, but through their efforts, they are sending a healthy little girl home. She didn't lose her foot or her life. I am humbled at the efforts made on her behalf and I hope we can all show them that there are lots of angels in the world. If we all do just a little, we can accomplish a whole lot!

My adoptive families and friends rock!

Mixed Race Donors Needed

More and more, we are becoming a mixed race society. There are over 5 million mixed race Americans -- some Asian and Caucasian, some Hispanic and Native American, and some African-American and Caucasian and the list goes on. When a person of mixed race needs a bone marrow transplant, the donor pool becomes very small. People with leukemia, blood diseases, and lymphoma can't always find a match within their family. With people of mixed race, sometimes neither side matches due to the mix. This could also be a problem with an adopted child of mixed race. To find donor matches, typically the National Marrow Donor Program is contacted. With all of the possible ethnic mixes, finding a bone marrow donor can be daunting and sometimes all but impossible. There are lists of people waiting to find a donor. Many are children. If you are of mixed race or know others who are, please encourage them to go to the site of the National Marrow Donor Program at http://www.marrow.org/ and click on "be the match". Even cord blood can save a life. There is also a place to make contributions. The most important thing is to spread the word that people of every race are needed to help save lives. If one of our children were suffering, we would want everyone we know to be available and willing to help. How would you feel if you could save a life? You can.