Teen Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood

With the popularity of the newer reality shows on teen motherhood like MTV's 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom, some people believe that teen motherhood is being glamorized and that more teens will become pregnant.  Only time will tell if these programs will have an impact on teen pregnancy, but most states, including California, are reporting a reduction in teen births in their latest statistics (from 2009).  In California, the birth rate dropped to a new low, falling from 35.2 for every 1,000 teens in 2008 to 32.1 in 2009.  That is mirroring the national birth rate, which has continued to decline over the past two years, presumably due to the economy.  Our national birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression, which is a significant statistic.  In addition, abortions are up.  With fewer pregnancies and more abortions, it necessarily follows that there are fewer adoptions. 

Interestingly, while the birth rate among Latino teens dropped more than other groups, the Latino birth rate is still the highest among all ethnicities in California.  At 50.8 per 1,000 Latino teens, Latino girls are at high risk for becoming pregnant as teens.

Teen motherhood is anything but glamorous.  There is a higher rate of abuse among teen mothers and there are many negative consequences to the children of young moms.  Typically fathers disappear or were never involved from the beginning.  Financial resources are few, and teen moms rarely get a chance to continue their education and go on to college.  Their own childhood cut short, they don't get to experience some of the rites of passage that their peers do -- from prom to date nights to sorority parties and meeting new and interesting friends at college.

Why then, do more teens not consider adoption?  I think peer pressure is the answer.  I have worked with teen moms who knew that they couldn't parent properly and wanted to go to college or into the military and they were harangued by their peers.  "What kind of mother are you?" or "How could  you give your baby away?" are some of the things said to young ladies I know who had made the best decision for their children.  "It's hard enough to give up your child without having to defend that decision", said Rachel, one of our former birth moms.  She was right.  If that was the right decision for her and she wasn't hurting anyone and her baby was going to a good home, why should anyone try to make her feel guilty for opting to give herself and her child a better future?  Teens can be vicious and judgmental.  The fact is, they don't see the big picture.  Not until they have tried to parent will they understand how difficult such an undertaking can be as a teen with no foundation or resources.  When a young mom opts to place her child for adoption, rather than aborting that child, she is taking a big risk that her peers will condemn her and she will be ostracized.  Why, then, is killing a child more acceptable?  Teens empathize with their peers who have undergone an abortion and they support them.  Yet, when adoption is discussed, they present a whole new attitude.  It's as if, once you have decided to give birth, you are expected to deal with the consequences.  It's almost a punishment.  If you choose adoption over abortion, you are somehow the bad guy.

Teens need to start supporting their peers and there needs to be more mentorship by others who have gone through adoption, parenting, and abortion.  I can tell you from counseling abortion survivors that it's no picnic.  There is guilt and remorse, and fear of retribution (by a higher power).  It is revisited once they have children later on and realize with full clarity just what has happened and that they can not bring that life back.  It's tragic when our society has become more tolerant of abortion than adoption.  There are unplanned pregnancies, but there are no unwanted children.  I have homes for them all.

The Adoption Duggars - A Day in the Life

We've all heard of the Duggars -- the family on TLC with "19 Kids and Counting". Well it's Mother's Day this weekend, so that family does come to mind, but so does another one. I call them "The Adoption Duggars". Parents Michelle and Jim Bob are replaced by Katie and Dale. Katie was an only child and is making up for that big time. I've known Katie since the early days, just after she adopted two sets of siblings. Her first foray into motherhood came in her mid-30s when she adopted six children at once, four girls and two boys, all around the ages of 9, 10, and 11. Now the pre-teen era isn't pretty, but when you have six kids all the same age range, well, it makes me wonder how Katie still has hair, much less the waist-length tresses she sports. I'm not even going to talk about hormonal changes here (kids, not mom!).

Once those children grew older, they adopted again. This time a set of triplets and their sibling sister. I'm not sure Katie knows how to parent in small numbers. She was so used to multi-tasking by this point that she just took it all in stride. Humor punctuates the mix. It would have to. After the triplets came the desire for an infant, since they had never parented a baby. One lonely baby boy later, they adopted another sibling group of three young boys -- ready made playmates. At fourteen kids, you'd think that hearts and hands would be full, but wait! They had never parented a baby girl, so the search was on. That adoption happened on the day before Halloween last year. Just after they found out that their baby daughter was on the way, they got unexpected news. They had previously applied to adopt in Ethiopia to save a child. They felt that they could make a difference in one child's life. Not only did they receive news that they had been approved to travel to Ethiopia, they found out they were getting twins!

So, our "Adoption Duggars" have children who are 24, 23, 22, 22, 21, 20, 16, 14, 14, 14, 9, 7, 6, 6, 8 months, 8 months, and 6 months. This includes one set of fraternal triplets and one set of identical twins, the last of which are paired with a baby their age making them pseudo-triplets. The score is girls 9, boys 8.

I asked Katie what her typical day was like. Mistake. I got tired just reading about it. She sent me her itinerary for May 1. It goes like this...one son has community service 9:00am-1:00pm; four youngest boys have dance 11:30am-12:00pm. Daughter has dance 12:00pm-2:30pm. Two daughters, aunt, and three baby girls, along with mom have a mother/daughter tea to attend from 11:00am-1:00pm; 16 year old has a formal dinner to attend so there is hair, make-up, dress, corsage, etc. Must be at school by 4:00 pm; One daughter has to attend awards banquet at school from 5:00pm-7:00pm with Mom and Dad (highest GPA award in her grade level-9th); Oldest son has to be to work 7:00am-2:00pm; another son has to work from 9:00am-3:00pm; daughter works 5:00pm-9:30pm; 16 year old has to be picked up from formal at 11:00pm. Katie classifies herself (among other things) as the "air traffic controller". She coordinates rides to and from all activities. That's no small task when you filter in that anyone taking the younger children must drive the big van. While there are four drivers in the house (some of the kids are on their own), there are three vehicles and with all the taxi rides going back and forth, it takes a fair amount of logistical planning just to get everyone to and from their activities.

This is just one day in the life and doesn't include dental and doctor visits, football or baseball sign-ups (birth certificates in hand), drama team practice, bell choir practice (national competition) at church, girl scouts, volunteering, college classes and school graduations (college, trade school, high school, and kindergarten!), end of year programs, and normal activities like grocery shopping and laundry. Laundry -- four washers and four dryers -- need I say more?

Seriously, I had trouble getting one or two kids out the door and to school on time each morning. I can't even imagine the logistics! I told Katie that I thought perhaps she must be buying energy drinks in bulk. Her response was that she drinks McDonald's sweet tea. I don't know what's in that stuff, but it must be pretty powerful! I'm gonna have to try it. After all, I still have one left in the nest.

Katie is having a bit of Mom withdrawal, having just sent one son off to boot camp with mixed emotions. Even one little birdie leaving the nest is stressful!

So, again this year, Katie gets my vote for Mother of the Year. She does crazy amounts of work, all while managing a job and she does it with humor. Dale is no slouch either, caring for the kids when Mom is working. They have it all down to a science. They get where they need to be and no one misses a thing. They even traveled to California to go to a wedding and Disneyland (before the babies) and I marveled at their level of efficiency. Each child had a backpack and a pillow. Katie and Dale had one suitcase full of blow up beds. A trip to McDonalds? 30 Hamburgers please! It never mattered to Katie and Dale what race or gender the kids were. The only criteria was "Do they need us?".

On this Mother's Day, my hat is off to Katie, and all of those other mothers out there with big or small families. Mom is the cog in the wheel -- the one person needed to make everything work. When you contemplate motherhood, with all of it's challenges and sleepless nights, think of Katie and you'll realize you can do it!

Happy Birth Mother's Day

Today is the second Saturday in May. While everyone will be celebrating Mother's Day tomorrow, some will be celebrating Birth Mother's Day today. Any adult adoptee knows that it took two mothers to nurture them into the person they are today. There is no competition and no comparing. They each have a major role in shaping one life. Birth mothers don't get much recognition. They seem to fade away after giving birth and placing a child in another woman's arms. It is a thankless job. But that's motherhood, isn't it? Mother's Day can bring sadness to those who aren't recognized for their own motherhood, no matter what type of mother they are -- birth mother, adoptive mother, or just plain mother.

As women, we should understand that any motherhood is worthy of recognition and celebrate it. Carrying a baby is hard. Giving birth is hard. Raising a child is hard. Motherhood is not for the weak-hearted. Every part of motherhood takes strength. There is joy, but there is also heartache. A priest once told me "Love equals sacrifice". Motherhood is the highest form of love, so it makes sense that it's also the highest form of sacrifice. I can't really think of any greater sacrifice than relinquishing a child and entrusting that child to someone else for a lifetime. If you are a mother, you understand this. If not, when you become a mother you will.

If you know a birth mother, celebrate her and recognize her sacrifice today -- and tomorrow too.