Happy New Year!

Today is the last day of 2008. It's a time for reflection and renewal. It's been a year of joy and also sadness. Perhaps that is true of any year. I stumbled upon a quote that I found relevant when reflecting.

"They whom we love and lose are no longer where they were before. They are now...wherever we are."

I wish everyone a peaceful and prosperous new year. I hope you will join me in praying for peace and also for the well-being of those who are helpless -- babies, animals, the elderly, and the disabled. Please pray for our soldiers, officers, and firemen, who protect us even as we sleep. Blessings and love are wished for each of you and I hold all of you in my heart. Happy New Year 2009! I challenge you to pay it forward and do good things.

A Christmas Heartbreak

It's happened again. In Santa Rosa County, Florida, along a wooded stretch of highway near Clear Creek Road and Highway 87, adjacent to a sign which says "no littering", a family walking their dog in the woods was shocked when their dog alerted them and they stumbled upon a newborn baby. The baby had been left out in the elements to die. It did. Police haven't even released the gender of the baby or any details, but even without knowing all of that, my heart is broken. No matter how I try to rationalize why someone would do this, I can't come up with any reasonable answer. There are safe haven laws. There are adoption agencies. There are hospitals and there are shelters. There are so many places where a newborn would stand a chance. There are so many people who would lovingly stretch out their arms, no questions asked, to receive the child. I have no doubt the infant's mother knew there were ways to keep her baby safe. It's impossible to grow up within our society and not know this. I have no doubt that the baby was left there intentionally with the thought that it would most certainly perish. I will always ask why.

It's Christmastime and in just a couple of days we will welcome a New Year -- a fresh start, with renewed hope. At least that's what most people will do. I wonder about the mother who left her child in the woods. I wonder about the family who obviously didn't embrace her pregnancy. I wonder how we could have prevented this tragedy. How do we educate those who would do this? There are so many loving homes waiting. This was a preventable death. This child didn't need to die cold and alone in the forest. There was a warm home and a clean bed waiting for this child. There were many. How is this possible? I'm not sure how to begin to forgive for such an atrocity. Please pray for the young woman at the heart of this heartbreak. She has sacrificed more than the life of her child -- she has sacrificed her soul. "Abandonment" is a word that should never be used in the same sentence as the word "Mother".

This is only one child. But who would this child be? Would this child grow to be a Pulitzer prize winning author, or perhaps a gifted musician, or a surgeon who pioneered a new procedure? Would this child have married and had children or been a holy man or a peacemaker? How did the death of this one baby impact the world? The ripples in the pond are endless. With one senseless act, our world has changed dramatically. We will never know how profoundly.

The Christmas Spirit

When it gets close to the holidays, I love opening my mail. It's not the usual junk mail and bills. The holiday cards start arriving and, with them, the pictures of our babies and children, with news of their year. It's the highlight of my day when I get to sit down and read over all of the cards. Today, I opened my mail and, as usual, posted all of the pictures of families and the children and cards on a wooden cabinet in the main hallway of our office where everyone can see them. As I got to the last envelope, I was disheartened by what I found myself reading.

Suzi and Jeff adopted Katie 11 years ago. When they decided to adopt again, along came Jillian, now a spunky 7 year old. Their family complete, they settled into what should have been an idyllic life. Then Jeff got sick. This year, the cancer that made Jeff so ill took his life, leaving Suzi to raise the girls by herself. To go through life, chapter by chapter, sharing the pain, the joy, the heartaches and the triumphs, only to be unable to finish the book is profoundly unfair. But, life isn't fair. Katie and Jillian are learning this at a tender age. This will be their first Christmas without their father there to put together toys or eat the cookies left for Santa.

Unfortunately, many of us have experienced losses that cause us to understand how precious life is. It's not a club that anyone wants to be in and, yet, only those who are in it truly understand. Suzi, I am supremely saddened by your loss and I pray that you, Katie, and Jillian will heal and receive blessings beyond whatever you thought possible after such a difficult time in your life. The holidays can be a tough time, especially so soon after you've lost someone you love. You will continue to see Jeff in each one of the girls as they grow.

Jeff, just like Suzi, wanted to be a parent and worked hard to achieve that goal. He had to leave too soon to see his girls learn to drive, go on a first date, or walk them down the aisle. But I am certain that he is watching them every step of the way and cheering every accomplishment from the sidelines. I'm sure he would say he is so proud of Suzi and his girls. I'm sure he would say we should all cherish our loved ones and never take them for granted. We should love one another and spread the Christmas spirit all year long. That's really what Christmas is all about. Rest in peace, Jeff.

Welcome Alec and the New Year!

It seems I have barely gotten used to writing "2008" and it's already December! We'll be writing "2009" before we know it. I am amazed at how quickly the year has passed. It's been quite a year. We've had good times and bad times. The economy seems to be at an all time low -- at least within our lifetime. And yet, life goes on, the cycle is unbroken. Loved ones pass away, people who are important to us vanish from our lives, and new babies are born. Our lives change and time marches on. Sometimes we look back and it's hard to believe it's just been a year because the landscape of our lives is so different than it once was. We find ourselves at crossroads where decisions are made to take one fork of the road or the other (we can go down radically different paths). Either way, we don't stay in the same place. Hopefully we end up in a better place for the decisions we've made. I am looking forward to 2009. I believe it will be a very good year for all of us. The economy will likely get better (could it really get worse?), and at A Labor of Love we have some plans to expand our footprints on the adoption world. It's been a generally slow year for adoptions, pretty much everywhere as far as I can tell. Some major adoption agencies have closed their doors. We're still here! For this, we are thankful. And every day brings new promise and more opportunity. This past week, we have been able to reflect on what we are thankful for. I am thankful for my clients, my friends, our birth mothers, and the ability to do the amazing work I have been fortunate enough to fall into. It's not always easy and it can be highly emotionally charged, but more often than not, we see miracles in the making. I see God's hand in my work every day, without fail. I know that I am blessed by being able to help (in some small way) to build families. In fact, I want to wish Alec Braden Summa a happy birthday! Alec was born here in California on 11-26-08, at 8 lbs., 6 oz. Since he was born on Wednesday, the day before Thanksgiving, he was released from the hospital on Friday, the day after. His birth mother promptly went home on Friday, and on Saturday - three days after giving birth - cooked a Thanksgiving Dinner for her family and the adoptive family of little Alec. What a gift she gave -- and she just kept on giving. That's really a shining example of what Thanksgiving is all about. She was giving thanks to the adoptive family and they were giving thanks to her -- all were thankful for the birth of little Alec. He couldn't be more loved. He couldn't be more wanted. Everyone is blessed. That's what I mean about seeing God's hand in our work. Thanks, God! We're all grateful for your most recent miracle.

Nebraska gets it right!

I blogged recently about the Nebraska legal debacle regarding the "safe haven" law that had been enacted there. Nebraska was one of the last states to actually enact a safe haven law and the author of the original bill included any minor children through the age of 18. This created untold problems when, even as recently as last Thursday, teenagers were routinely being dropped off at hospitals there. One distraught father (his wife had died) left nine children on the doorstep of a hospital. Another complication occurred because the state of Nebraska stops taking children into foster care when they turn 18, and the law didn't account for this. Some teens who were between the ages of 18 and 19 were left there and couldn't be put into foster care. That created quite a dilemma. As a result, the Nebraska legislature convened in a special session last Friday to correct the law that was creating so much controversy and leaving children in the lurch. Once again, the author of the original bill modified it too far in the other direction, indicating a 3 day (72 hour) time limit from the birth to drop off the child in a safe haven location (police station, fire house, or hospital).

This didn't make much sense to me. It takes a fair amount of pressure, strife, or financial distress to bring anyone to the point where they feel there are no options other than to abandon their children. That doesn't usually occur in the first 72 hours of the child's life. Typically, they are in the hospital for most of that time. By the time they go home with their mother and the family runs out of formula, diapers, patience, or resources, it's long past that 72 hour limit. So, while the new version of the law may have saved a very few precious lives of children presumably born at home, the overall purpose of the law was, again, being overlooked.

Hearing about the special session, I blogged about it, and took it a little further, e-mailing all of the Nebraska State legislators with my personal opinion about appropriate time frames. My suggestion was 0-6 months, enough time for new parents to be overwhelmed and in a position to make such a decision. I received a number of responses, ironically (or not), mostly from the women legislators, who were very sympathetic. One senator asked me to come and speak before the special session. While I would have done that gladly had it been convenient and time-efficient, I was unable to make a commitment to do that. However, I did make sure all involved knew what the spirit of the law should be and why the time frames proposed were, in essence, preposterous.

The legislators met last Friday and, while they didn't approve what I had suggested (0-6 months of age), they did get a little more reasonable in their time frame. The end result was a safe haven law that allows parents to safely surrender their newborns up to the age of 30 days. I am not really sure how the age of the child would be determined if the identity of the child is unknown, and I do feel that the time frame still doesn't cover the need, however, they are moving in the right direction now.

So, a big Thanksgiving Thank You to those folks in Nebraska who took the time to reconvene the legislature during their off time to fix something that was broken. We are all thankful when the life of a baby(any baby) is saved. It's no small miracle and I am hopeful that, indeed, some little ones will benefit from this new law.

Holiday Blues

With Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year's fast approaching, the inevitable holiday blues will set in. Everyone wants their baby home for the holidays. It's a special family time and a new baby makes it all the more special. For adoptive families who are waiting, it's a very difficult time to be joyous and spread good cheer. How do you get through it without curling up in a fetal position in your bed and feeling dismal? First of all, you can do whatever you feel you can do. You are exactly the person you feel you are. If you feel you are a positive, happy person, that's the person you are. If you feel dismal and depressed, that's the person you will be. So, you have to make up your mind to be positive and joyous, knowing that even if your baby is not home with you prior to this year's holiday season, you will successfully adopt and next year you will be celebrating even more than you thought possible. Of course it's normal to feel sad at a time when you want so badly to have a baby to shower with gifts and love. Isn't Christmas (or Hannukkah) more meaningful if you can do special things for someone? Make it a point this year to go out of your way to do something really nice for someone who otherwise might not be experiencing a nice holiday season (someone in a nursing home, hospital, or in physical rehab, a vet, or someone who is ill). They are easy to find. You will always feel good inside when you do things for people who truly appreciate it and feel left out. This is how you can overcome those holiday blues you have while waiting. I want to hear about what you chose to do and I want to feature the good deeds in my newsletter and on my blog. Turn a difficult time into a time of joy. The more you give, the more you receive. I will do my best to get all of you home with your baby as soon as possible. In the meantime, make it your New Year's resolution to spread the joy. A wise man once told me "God will never let you outdo him in generosity". I live by that belief and I know if you choose to do the same, God will bless you richly. Keep me posted on your progress.

National Adoption Month - Celebrate Adoption

As we continue with National Adoption Month, please remember the birth mothers who have chosen to give life and make a sacrifice. In years past, adoption wasn't what it is today. I have spoken with women who were forced to make the decision to part with their child and it haunts them still. I once met a woman who gave birth at home and had her child taken away (by her father) and never knew what became of that child. She was afraid and intimidated and never spoke of it. She grew up not knowing and thinking the worst. She even assumed that her father had killed her baby. She grew to hate her father. After her father died, her mother told her where her child was (in an adoptive home) and she was able to reunite with that child and express to her how much she loved and cared for her, despite the circumstances. Thankfully, adoption today is much more open and above-board. Giving birth out of wedlock is not uncommon and not considered shameful. Adoptees are able to know their history and heritage and, at some point, even get to know their birth parents and siblings. This was unheard of even 30 or 40 years ago.

Adoption is becoming more celebrated and talked about than any time in history. On December 23, CBS will be hosting a special called "Home for the Holidays with Faith Hill". It will feature such stars as Melissa Etheridge, Tim McGraw, Jamie Foxx, and Gavin Rossdale performing. There will be inspirational stories of adoption by Martin Short, Rene Russo, Patricia Heaton, and Kristin Chenoweth. Let your friends and family know about this heartwarming special and celebrate adoption. A special thanks to all of the birth mothers who make adoption possible. Many families are born because of the selfless decisions of those who opted not to take a life, but to give it.

Happy Veteran's Day

It is Veteran's Day. Happy Veteran's Day to everyone who has served our country. My parents were both vets. My mother served in the WACS and my father served in the Marine Corps. Semper Fi! The marines are "the first in and the last out" and are some mighty brave people. Jim Sorenson - Thank you for serving our country.

As a part of your tribute to veterans today, please say a prayer for Marilyn Adams. Her husband, Brent, was killed in Iraq early in the war. Brent was a reservist who was called to duty and went willingly. He left a wife and young son at home waiting for him. He wasn't supposed to be in harm's way, but while in a convoy taking supplies to the troops, he was one of those soldiers killed by a roadside bomb. In an instant, lives changed. He was only one man, but his passing changed the lives of so many he knew. His life was celebrated by his family, his friends, his unit, and his work associates. I often think of him. Lives given for our freedom are never a waste, but I wonder how life would be different for Brent's family and the other families if he and all of the others who have died in this particular war were still among us. Our thank you's will never be enough, but if you know a vet, or the family a fallen vet, be sure to say "thank you" today.

Family Intervention

Adoptive families are often worried about a birth mother placing a child with them and then changing her mind. The fact is, in some cases, that can happen. The laws vary from state to state, but in some states there is a period of time in which the birth mother can change her mind for any reason or no reason at all. Family can be the deciding factor. If a birth mother's family is supportive of her decision, it will be easier for her to follow through. It's a difficult decision no matter what, but with family support she can get through it. When her family is opposed to the child being placed for adoption and they don't support her decision, this can cause problems at the time of the placement. The fear of being ostracised by her family may override her desire to place her child for adoption. This can be very stressful for a birth mother to endure and she may cave in to family pressure. This is understandable when her family is threatening to disown her or making her feel that she is not a good daughter or sister because she is not considering their wishes.

In reality, most birth mothers who are placing a child are doing so because they have no real family support, financial or physical. Often, a family who is pressuring a birth mother to keep the baby are promising her that help and support, and then it doesn't materialize. When that happens, she is faced with an even more daunting situation and may have to make the decision to place her child after bonding.

In adoptive families, family intervention in the decision making process can be equally as stressful. Some adoptive couples are comfortable with expanding their options and perhaps being open to multiple races or special needs. When family members hear about this, they interject their opinion and this can cause tension in the family and, at times, may cause the adoptive couple to change their mind about being so open, feeling that their family may not accept the new member.

In either case, family isn't going to be there doing the day to day tasks of raising an infant and much of the time their arguments go by the wayside once a decision has been made. However, family can unduly influence the decision-making process and this has to be considered in any adoptive situation. If family objects, it's difficult to move forward, but not impossible. The person(s) making the decision have to be able to remain strong and focused and understand that it is their life and their decision. Some are strong enough to stand up and make the decision that is best for them. Others simply can't withstand the pressure and they are then faced with challenges they never expected to have and decisions made for them. They are frustrated and resentful and this tends to cause strife within their family -- the very thing they didn't want to have in the first place.

Family dischord and dysfunction are factors that affect most birth mothers' decisions, whether to place or not to place. Family pressure can be influential in decisions made by adoptive couples as well. We encourage birth mothers and adoptive families alike to make the decision that is best for them, no matter what it is -- not what others want for them or pressure them to do. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences and the benefits of their decision and they are the ones who will have regrets if they don't do what is best for themselves.

Procrastination

Sometimes it seems easier to prolong the process of making decisions. We know what we should do, but we delay doing it, even when doing it would make life much more simple. It's human nature, but it holds us back. Fear is defined as; "The feeling or emotion of being afraid, whether the threat is real or imagined" and also as "concern or anxiety". No one likes to live in a state of anxiety. So why do we allow ourselves to linger in this state, rather than moving past it? That's a question for philosophy majors and psychiatrists everywhere. FDR said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". Most things we worry about will resolve themselves. Procrastination simply prolongs the inevitable -- the need to make a decision. It happens to people in all walks of life, but those who achieve their goals are not restrained by their fears. More often than not, our fears are exaggerated and unrealistic. Rarely are our worst fears realized.

In adoption, many times fear creates self-fulfilling prophecies. One couple I recall had a fear of not being chosen by a birth mother. They felt that, in their mid-40s, they were going to be considered "too old" to adopt. So they procrastinated. At some point, they realized that they weren't going to become parents by osmosis, so they finally signed up to adopt, some seven years after they first checked out the process. I can tell you from the perspective of an adoption professional that it's much harder to match a family in their 50's than one in their 40's. It's not impossible, but it's not easy. Add to that the fact that birth mothers have so many choices and it becomes quite the challenge. If they felt they might be considered "too old" at 45, I wonder why, at 52, they suddenly overcame their fear. The fact is, they didn't want to remain childless, no matter how old they were. They just complicated the process by waiting and delaying their decision. They stayed in limbo for 7 years. Do you know anyone who has done that?

It's easy to procrastinate. You don't know how cold the water is going to be until you jump in. Then, it's too late to worry about it. You're already in the pool. You can't get to the other side without first jumping in and swimming across. Sure it takes courage. You just have to decide where you want to be in the future. Do you want to be sitting there watching everyone else swim? Or do you want to take a chance and jump in? What is the down side? The fact is, you will do what you say you will do. If you say, "I can't do that", and you don't even try, you certainly can't. You may or may not make it to all of your goals, but there are plenty of people who won't let you drown. You can always set new goals and begin again.

If you consider that five years from now, you'll be in the same place (only older) than you are now unless you make the effort to change your circumstances, it's pretty much a no-brainer. Stories of courage don't happen because of people who choose to sit on the sidelines and allow others to determine their fate. Those who succeed failed many times before they achieved their best. Reach for the stars and you might just catch one.

Safe-Haven Laws and the Nebraska Debacle

Recently, in an effort to make it easier for women who have experienced unplanned pregnancy to safely surrender a child, and perhaps reduce the number of abandoned babies left to die in dumpsters or on doorsteps, Nebraska passed a Safe-Haven law. 48 states and Puerto Rico have already adopted these Safe-Haven laws, an incentive for overwhelmed parents to leave their newborns at a hospital, police or fire station, or another designated safe place. Typically, the laws designate that an infant up to one month old may be surrendered this way without repercussions to the parents.

Nebraska lawmakers apparently didn't review the fine print in these existing laws before enacting their own "safe-haven" guidelines. The Nebraska law provided safe-haven for any child under the age of 19, rather than specifying infants. A total of 26 older children have been left at Nebraska hospitals since July. Obviously those Nebraska lawmakers are either too young or too old to have teens at home. Any of us who have shared a domicile with a 14-year-old would know better! I don't think I've met the parent of a teenager who hasn't thought (perhaps just for an instant) about abdicating their parental responsibilities a time or two. Teenagers can be a challenge. In Nebraska, this little oversight in the wording of the law has caused a fair amount of chaos as teen after teen is "dropped off" for safekeeping at hospitals. The very law that was intended to keep parents from abandoning their babies, is causing them to abandon their teens.

In one case, a man left nine of his children at a hospital in Omaha. The Department of Health and Human Services officials stated they wouldn't take any children older than age 17. That leaves some of those abandoned in limbo. Where should they go? The Nebraska Legislature has called a special session to tackle the issue on November 14, at which time a bill will be introduced establishing a 3-day-old age limit. When will they learn? Isn't that going from one extreme to another? At 3 days of age, an infant has likely just been discharged from the hospital. The parent(s) won't feel overwhelmed by caring for that infant for a few days or weeks. Why not establish a 6 month limitation? Throwing the baby out with the bath water is not the solution!

Particularly if you live in Nebraska, but even if you don't, if you feel that 72 hours is too short a period of time for a parent to feel overwhelmed and choose to surrender her child, please e-mail the author of bill LB 157 as soon as possible. Please urge 3-6 months at least as a reasonable cut-off time frame. Safe-Haven laws are absolutely necessary and will save lives, however, this one is threatening to defeat it's own purpose a second time. I have already written an e-mail to Senator Arnie Stuthman at 'astuthman@leg.ne.gov'. Please join me in letting him know that while his intentions are good, this time limit is not. It is, perhaps, wise to let the other legislators in Nebraska know this as well so that they can respond appropriately to this urgent issue. These babies deserve our help.

And by the way, inevitably obnoxious teenagers all started out as those adorable babies! Be careful what you wish for! There's a "no return" policy!

Happy Birthday, Cody

This week the election has taken center stage and, for the first time in many years, perhaps because of the distraction, November 2nd came and went without too much sorrow. November 2nd, 1992 -- 16 years ago -- I lost my son. Cody Andrew came into this life and left it all in one fleeting moment. After having two healthy children, I had no reason to believe that my 23rd week pregnancy was anything but normal. One evening, I felt a lot of fetal movement -- really the first I had felt in the pregnancy -- and suddenly I was aware of the little life within me. I was happy and excited to go to my regularly scheduled pre-natal visit the next morning. It would be the day I would find out the gender of my child. I had a boy and a girl, so it didn't really matter, but I would be able to choose a name and think about all of the possibilities. My youngest had gone off to kindergarten and I was feeling the sting of an empty nest. I couldn't wait to have a new baby home to fill my days with the joy only a baby can bring.

When I arrived at the doctor's office, I was humming and reading the most recent Parent's Magazine. It was a beautiful day. I was called in and my doctor, a very sweet older gentleman, began the ultrasound -- the first I would have of this pregnancy. I could see the screen and wondered if I would be able to identify the gender without him telling me. As he scanned, he began to concentrate and focused on the screen, angling it back towards him. I was disappointed that I could no longer see what he was scanning. After a few moments, he stated, "I'm not seeing what I want to see, so we're going to switch from the doppler to the internal ultrasound". "Okay", I responded. Once he positioned the wand, he looked up and uttered the words that would keep echoing in my mind, "I'm so sorry, honey, but this baby doesn't have a heartbeat". At that moment, I think my own heart stopped. I felt frozen in time. I was there by myself.

I don't think I said much. I remember him hugging me and telling me he was so sorry. I got off the table and walked out of the building and across the street, passing my car in the parking lot, and heading for the hospital where I worked. I remember walking in front of a moving car and hearing the honk. I felt zombie-like. I walked in the front door and passed several people I knew who greeted me. It was all I could do to stay upright, so I said nothing as I proceeded down the hall to my unit -- Labor and Delivery. As I pushed the button that would open the double entry doors to the unit, I remember feeling like I was in a bad dream. I fell to my knees and I remember screaming. Someone said it sounded like a wounded animal, a primal scream.

All of the nurses working on the unit were my friends. They all came running and picked me up and took me to a labor room where they talked with me, sat with me, and prayed with me. One of my friends, a physician, came in and quietly explained that I would have to wait to go into labor and then deliver the baby. He knew I would likely at some point want to have another baby and didn't want to cause my cervix to become incompetent by forcing it open. Fetal demise happens occasionally, but late term fetal demise is not common. No one knows why he died. Perhaps a non-functioning placenta or an underdeveloped umbilical cord. I went home to wait. I can't explain what it does to you psychologically to carry around a dead baby. I was showing, so when I was out people I didn't know would come up and ask when I was due. Some would touch my belly. I knew I couldn't go into details without completely falling apart, so I would just give the due date and move on. It took a week before my body was ready to deliver Cody. I went into labor at 2:00 a.m. on November 2nd.

I went into the hospital and labored for something like 12 hours before he was born. So tiny he could fit in the palm of your hand, but the labor felt like a full term baby. My doctor asked if I wanted to have a D&C. I couldn't even conceive of it. I needed to see him, to hold him, and to bury him. I had quite a support system in my friends there. Sharon, Jana, Margie, and an angel on earth, Annie. They stayed with me, prayed with me, and helped me deliver Cody and say goodbye over the course of those 12 hours. He was tiny, but perfect with all of his parts intact. His skin was almost transparent, but his features were delicate and he looked peaceful.

I can't even say I regret the experience all of these years later. It was, of course, very traumatic, but Cody taught me more without ever walking on this earth than any other person, child or adult, friend or teacher, has taught me in my lifetime. I view his death as God's will. Cody fulfilled his mission here on earth. He taught me what it feels like to be a birth mother with empty arms. He taught me what it feels like to be unable to deliver a full-term healthy baby. He taught me about grief and how to deal with it. He taught me that you can't take life for granted. He taught me who my true friends were. He taught me that there were people in my life who weren't true friends. He taught me how to tell the difference. He taught me how precious life is and how sometimes we don't think about others who are grieving because we are caught up in our own lives. He taught me what is important and what is not. He taught me that we all have a purpose and how important it is to fulfill that purpose. In retrospect, he did everything he needed to do before he went to be with God.

After his funeral, when leaving the cemetery, I had a sudden urge to go back to the grave site. I knew it was time to go and it felt a little crazy asking my husband to turn the car around so I could go back. But the urge was so strong, I insisted. When we got back to the little clearing surrounded by woods where my parents are buried, I was stunned at what I saw. There, on top of Cody's newly dug grave, were a family of deer. A beautiful 8 point buck stood guard while an adult female munched on the fresh flowers atop my son's grave. At her feet was a tiny fawn, still not totally sure on his feet, gingerly nibbling on the flowers. It was a sight I'll never forget and, in case I do, I have pictures that I was able to snap. I saw that as a message from my family -- "Cody is fine here with us"...my mother and father had him safely within their arms. When my children asked me why Cody had to die, I told them "because Grandma and Grandpa needed to have a grand baby to love and hold in Heaven".

Cody will always be my son, just as surely as my children who have grown to adulthood. It was a privilege to have witnessed an angel taking flight. Happy Birthday, son.

Adoptions and Elections - VOTE!

Not only is November National Adoption Month, but it's also the month we elect our next president. No matter who you are voting for, make it a point to go out to the polls if you haven't already mailed in your ballot. We can't complain about our policy makers if we don't vote. For those of us involved in adoption -- either through family ties or emotional ties -- this is a critical vote. There is one pro-"choice" candidate and one pro-life candidate. I've talked about abortion in this blog before and you can go to the archives to see what I have to say about it, but suffice to say that life should come before "choice". I haven't met anyone who would choose to be aborted. I haven't met anyone who was happy about their "choice" to abort. On the contrary, I have spoken with many women who are forever traumatized by their decision. It's one of those decisions you can never take back. Anyone who has had children can look at one of them and understand the ramifications -- it could have been that one. Today's world is different than the world our parents or grandparents grew up in. It's acceptable to be single and pregnant. There is no shame in carrying a child to term, so there is no reason to kill a child to rectify an error in judgment. The child didn't make the error and had no choice at all. So, when you go to the polls tomorrow, think long and hard about how many lives you can save by simply casting your ballot. I don't think it matters whether you are republican or democrat, man or woman, Catholic or Protestant. You can change the world one life at a time. WWJD?

November - National Adoption Month

November is National Adoption Month! How will you celebrate? There are some things you can do to help educate and promote adoption awareness such as;

* Buy a few children's books on adoption and donate them your local library or school.
* Talk to local librarians about reading adoption stories in reading groups to make children more aware of adoption.
* Discuss with teachers the difficulties faced by adoptive children when faced with assignments that can cause them grief ("How do I fill out a family tree when I don't know?"). Make them aware of how certain discussions can make adopted children feel uncomfortable.
* Talk with elementary school administrators and ask them to acknowledge National Adoption Month in classrooms and open dialogue with students concerning adoption.
* Share with adopted children the positive aspects of adoption and make note of famous people who have been adopted. Note their accomplishments and let them know that they can be anyone they want to be.
* Call your local newspaper, radio, or t.v. channel and make them aware of National Adoption Month. Ask if they are planning an article or discussion and offer to help with information.
* Honor birth mothers by sending a card of thanks and remember them in your prayers.

Find teachable moments to explain the adoption process and the difference between birth families and adoptive or "forever" families to teachers or clergy. Share that adopted children have two families who love them very much. Don't assume that just because someone is in a position of teaching that they already know about adoption -- many don't. Use National Adoption Month to make those around you aware of how powerful adoption is and what a difference it makes in the lives of those who participate in the triad. We all know someone who was adopted and adoption has literally touched everyone's life. Perhaps a good assignment for the teachers out there would be to have their students write a short essay on "How Adoption Touched My Life". I bet there would be a lot of great stories to share!

Racial Considerations

With all the talk about the Presidential race, we're hearing about tolerance (or the lack of it) in the media. At various universities and campaign venues around the country, negative racial stereotypes are rearing their ugly heads in response to Barack Obama's candidacy. Even though it is quite possible that Obama will become our next President, the fact remains that, even in this great country of ours, there are still racial barriers. There are still invisible racial lines that are not crossed. How does this affect adoption? The fact is, while there are not enough Caucasian babies for all of the Caucasian families who wish to adopt, there are more African-American babies than there are African-American families to take them. What does this mean for the African-American baby who is being placed for adoption? It means that many of them will go into trans-racial homes. There is nothing wrong with a trans-racial adoption. However, it does come with it's challenges. Every child deserves to know their heritage, where they came from, who they are. Ideally, a child will be matched with a family of the same race. Barring that, a loving home is better than a foster home or no home at all. Can a Caucasian family effectively raise a black child? Certainly. Comedian Tommy Davidson is a good example. He was raised by a white woman who had two white children. He states that he never knew he was different until they moved to Washington D.C., what he terms "the blackest city in America" and the kids started calling his siblings "cracker". When he came home and told his mother, she sat him down and said, "Tommy, I have to tell you now -- you're black". While that sounds comical (and it is when coming from him), it can be devastating to a child to feel out of place (white or black). It happens more often with African-American kids because of the disproportionate number of black families out there adopting them.

The African-American community understandably feels that black children should be raised in black homes. This may be the ideal, but it's not the reality. So, with that knowledge, what can we do to make an adopted child (in this case a black child) feel more included, more welcomed, more a part of a family? Any time there is a trans-racial adoption, parents should be well informed about what they can do to help their child embrace their own culture and heritage. If your child is African-American, provide them with books to read in which the subjects are the same as they are. Provide them with black art. Take them to places where they can see others who resemble them. Provide black role models and influences in their lives. Be aware that even though you can love them, you can't pass on your own heritage alone -- you have to pass on theirs. They deserve nothing less.

The world has come a very long way in the past 40 years. Some of us remember the racial riots in Watts and Chicago. Some of us remember the devastation felt when Martin Luther King was assassinated. I even remember Rosa Parks, a courageous woman who refused to be treated as a second class citizen and literally single-handedly changed the thinking in America. Tomorrow, October 24th, is the third anniversary of her death. In remembrance of Rosa Parks and those who have come after her to blaze the trails of racial equality, think about what you can do to help a child realize their culture and their value, no matter what race they are.

For-profit vs. Not-for-profit or "non-profit"

Many times the question is posed to me whether A Labor of Love Adoptions is "non-profit" or "for profit". There is more to the answer than you might think. I have served on non-profit boards, as well as for-profit boards. The term "not-for-profit" is defined as "a legally constituted organization whose objective is to support or engage in activities of public or private interest without any commercial or monetary profit". That means, at the end of the day (or year) there is no extra money to disburse to owners or shareholders. Most "non-profit" organizations do indeed make a profit, so what makes them different than a "for-profit" organization? When an organization designates themselves "non-profit", they generally have a 501(c)3 status. This enables them to solicit funds from donors, have fund-raising events, and accept cash donations. They are governed by a board of directors and decisions affecting the organization must be decided by the board. So, if someone is hired or fired, the board must approve. If an event is planned, the board must approve. As far as profits go, many non-profits make more in the way of true profits than non-profits. The difference is, whatever profit is actually realized must be put back into the organization (thus, there is no profit). This can be done a number of ways. State of the art computer systems and phone systems can be purchased. Office renovations and upgrades can be done. Real estate can be purchased. Staff and officers can take the added funds in bonuses or pay raises. 401Ks for staff members can be set up.

For some reason, when people hear the word "for profit", they automatically think that those who work in a for profit situation are greedy or "aren't in it for the right reasons". This couldn't be further from the truth. In actuality, our "for profit" facilitating service costs adoptive families much less than a full service non-profit agency adoption. Part of that is because simply by being an agency, the costs go up (added insurance costs and requirements by the state which are passed on to the adoptive parents). The other part is that when running a "for profit", the owner or owners make the decisions. Day to day operations aren't governed by a board, but rather someone who is in charge. If that person is experienced and doing a good job, the costs can be kept down.

For the entire first year that my company was in business, I didn't take a salary from my "for profit" corporation. I put as much as I could back into the business, doing extra advertising. That couldn't continue forever, but in our case, we spend operating funds on items such as office rent, phones, salaries for staff, and other office overhead. After that, everything goes into advertising. Our clients get the most for their advertising dollars.

The two most expensive adoption operations that I am aware of are both "not-for-profit". I won't name names here, but you can find them fairly easily if you start looking into adoption. They charge 35-40K per adoption, almost triple what our families end up paying for their adoptions. In one instance, the agency requires birth mothers to get on medicaid (this is traditional), but then charges each family for a "medical pay", which is almost never needed. Where does that extra money then go? Into their "non-profit" pockets. Of course, not all non-profit organizations do this. I know plenty who are doing what they do for the right reasons and are very diligent about where they spend their money. Just be aware that the designation "non-profit" or "for profit" shouldn't be interpreted to mean exactly what it sounds like.

Recommended Reading - "Gianna"

If you'd like to read a book that will open your eyes concerning abortion, take a look at "Gianna" by Jessica Shaver. It is the story of a child who was aborted -- and lived. There is a lot to be learned by this young woman's story. You can find it at your local bookstore or at www.barnesandnoble.com.

Election 2008 and the ever-present abortion debate

This November, there is more at stake than who should be our next President. In several states, there are life or death measures on the ballot. California voters will have a chance to make a difference with Proposition 4, which seeks to require notification of parents or guardians when unemancipated minors seek an abortion. My 14 year old son can't take an aspirin at school without parental permission. His girlfriend, however, can have a surgical procedure which includes anesthesia and significant blood loss. I can imagine a teenager going to get an abortion and not revealing (or not knowing) important past medical history, which could prove not only dangerous, but fatal. Presumably her parents would be notified if that happened. It seems ludicrous to me that I have control over whether my child can go to a movie or school dance, but I have no control over whether an abortion is performed on her. This measure is meant to protect young people and reduce the rate of abortion. I realize that most young people fear telling their parents about the fact that they have been sexually active. Some opponents of this initiative and others like it argue that these children are at risk from abusive parents if they tell them. My argument to that is to get them out of that abusive home. Let them tell a school counselor, teacher, trusted friend, or clergy person who could intervene and make sure that they are not at risk. We were all teenagers once and we likely all feared how parents would react if confronted with that very issue. The reality is that even though there would likely be some repercussions, most parents would get over the initial anger and support their children. Proposition 4 provides for judicial override of the notification requirement "based on clear and convincing evidence of the minor's maturity or best interests". Parents can also sign a Department of Health Services form authorizing an abortion without prior parental notice. No notice is required if a physician concludes that the abortion is necessary to save the minor's life. That would account for considerably less than 1% of the abortions requested by teens.

A few statistics to think about...

* The consequences of Roe v. Wade -- 48, 589,993 abortions. Of course, in the time it has taken you to read this blog article, the number has increased and continues to do so.

* Nearly half of all pregnancies among American women are unintended. 4 in 10 of those unplanned pregnancies are terminated by abortion.

* In the U.S. 22% of all pregnancies end in abortion.

* In 2005, the most recent year that statistics are readily available, 1.21 million abortions were performed in the U.S.

* At current rates, one-third of all American women will have had an abortion by the age of 45.

* The risk of death associated with abortion increases with the length of time the pregnancy has progressed. At under eight weeks, there is one death for every million abortions. There is one death per 29,000 procedures when the pregnancy is 16-20 weeks. At 21 or more weeks, there is one death per 11,000.

* Teens are more likely than older women to delay having an abortion until after 15 weeks of pregnancy, when the medical risks are significantly higher.

Some would argue that without legal abortion, more women would die due to seeking illegal abortions. The fact is that before the first legalized abortions, the death rate from back alley abortions had already dropped quite significantly. The reason? The availability of antibiotics to combat infection. Once Penicillin was readily available, the death rate when down. the U.S. Bureau of Vital Statistics reports that in 1972, the year BEFORE Roe v. Wade, there were only 39 women who died from illegal abortions. By comparison, there were 54 deaths from legal abortions when Roe v. Wade passed. In 1975, 87% of obstetricians and gynecologists in the U.S. had to hospitalize at least one patient due to complications of legal abortions.

The following are possible complications of abortion:

* Genital tract infection is a common occurrence (according to a report by Johns-Hopkins University in the American Journal of OB/GYN vol 128, no. 5, 1977)

* infection, hemorrhage, or uterine perforation, which can all result in death.

* pelvic abscess due to perforation of the uterus and sometimes the bowel, which can also result in death.

* infection of the uterus or fallopian tubes can do permanent damage. With infection, a fallopian tube can be sealed shut, causing future reproduction difficulties.

* uncontrolled bleeding, sometimes requiring blood transfusions and sometimes resulting in death. Approximately 16,000 women annually are transfused due to post-abortion complications. Viral hepatitis is transmitted in up to 10% of those cases. Ultimately, 32 deaths result annually from hepatitis transmitted during or after abortions. AIDS can also be transmitted, although screening for AIDS is much more thorough than previously.

* blood clots. While blood clots can also be the cause of death of mothers who deliver babies normally, they can also cause death in otherwise healthy women who have abortions.

* amniotic fluid embolism has "emerged as an important cause of death from legally induced abortion. Treatment is ineffective." (American Journal of OB/GYN, vol 41, 1981)

* disseminated intravascular coagulation. This is a sudden drop in blood clotting ability which can cause extensive internal bleeding and death. This can result from hyper-tonic saline abortions. (JAMA, vol 225., No.1, July 1973). In recent years, this has been used less commonly.

The statistics regarding deaths due to abortion are hazy because some deaths do not occur until weeks or months later and are the result of complications of the procedure. These cases are not always reported as being due to abortion. For example, if a perforated uterus leads to a pelvic abscess and sepsis (or blood poisoning), which leads to death, the official cause listed may list pelvic abscess and septicemia, rather than abortion. Death due to an ectopic pregnancy years later caused by scarring of the fallopian tubes would not be reported as a death due to abortion, even though the cause of the closed fallopian tubes was the abortion.

Depression and guilt following abortion has lead to suicide. While the actual cause was the abortion, the cause of death listed is suicide. It's impossible to calculate the actual death rates caused by abortion because of the length of time it takes for some of these deaths to occur. Because the death rate is under-reported, the statistics are actually much lower than the reality.

Women will die from pregnancy and abortion. For those who die from abortion, the numbers have drastically reduced in the years since antibiotics became more available. Now, the only difference is that more mothers are dying from legal, rather than illegal, abortions.

We'll talk about the motivation of the abortion mills in a future blog, but for now my message is simply this -- Our daughters are precious and the lives they could potentially carry are equally precious. I saw a bumper sticker once that said "Abortion: One dead, one wounded". It stuck with me because it's so true. I once did some lay counseling for an organization which provided a safe haven for women who experienced unplanned pregnancy. I recall one woman telling me, "After all these years I can't forgive myself for killing my first child". After having three children, she realized that the baby she aborted was, in fact, the same as any one of them. It is no longer taboo to be pregnant out of wedlock. It is no longer shameful to give birth if you are not married. In fact 45% of all babies born last year in the U.S. were born to single mothers. There is no longer any reason to hide in shame simply because of a pregnancy. There are better alternatives than the ones being presented to our children. I, for one, would feel that MY rights were violated if someone performed surgery on one of my children without me knowing about it. Consider these things when you go to the polls in November and vote to respect life.

The economics of adoption

With all of the talk about national economics and the current state of affairs in our country, families who adopt have to consider what it will cost to adopt. In addition, birth parents tend to place (in most cases) because of family economics. With so many families losing their homes, jobs in jeopardy, and an uncertain future, how are families financing adoption? First of all, adoption doesn't have to break the bank. While there are agencies who charge the price of a new Mercedes, they aren't the only option. Adoption can be affordable. Adoption can generally be done (for most families) for just a few thousand dollars out of pocket.

In some states, there is a state adoption credit. Missouri is a good example, allowing up to 5K to be refunded to MO residents who have completed an adoption. The Federal tax credit for adoption is now at $11,700.00 and may go up to 15K. Many large companies and a few small ones are offering adoption benefits as well. A lot of the time, you may have adoption benefits, but don't know until you contact your company. They may not publicize it simply because there aren't that many people in one company interested and so they expect that you will check if you want to access them. So, be sure to talk to your human resources and benefits people to find out. Even with all of those incentives and benefits available, the money for adoption -- home study fees, advertising fees, legal fees, etc. -- has to be expended when you are actually in the adoption process and then you recover the money later on after you have finalized. So, if you have to rob the piggy bank, at least you can return most of that to your savings at a later time.

If you don't have savings and are just trying to pull together enough to adopt, some of my clients have used some ingenious ways to fund their adoptions. One family got their whole family together and asked them to donate whatever they didn't want (a garage sale of sorts) to be posted on e-bay and sold toward the cost of their adoption. Their family and extended family got very excited about being able to help and they raised $7,000.00 toward their adoption goal! In another family, the man who would be grandpa wanted to help not only his daughter and her husband to adopt, but wanted to help himself become a "papa". He was a talented candy maker, so he made batches of his wonderful candy to sell at various functions and at Christmas and helped them fund their adoption. Can you imagine that story being told to his little granddaughter year after year at Christmas? It's truly a Christmas story in itself -- about how grandpa wanted his little granddaughter so much that he made sweets so he could have a sweetie! Another family held garage sales, opened an "adoption account" and told family members..."For our birthdays and Christmas, all we really want is a child, so if you feel that you want to give us something, contribute to our adoption savings". It wasn't long before they had enough to complete their adoption.

Last year and before, with interest rates going down, many families re-financed their home and took equity out. I'm not sure that would be feasible at this point, since most of us have lost a great deal of the equity previously stored in our homes. That will all come back at some point, but for now, refinancing may not be an option, although it's worth looking into. If you want to adopt, get creative and you can find a way to generate the funds. When we want something badly, we generally find a way to get it, so get creative and use your talents. I remember another family who made their own Christmas ornaments and sold them on line. If you are crafty, that is something that can be turned into adoption funds. Church communities have pulled together as well to help their own parishoners to adopt. In talking to your church, remind them that "it takes a village" and that adopted child will have more Godparents than they can count!

Birth parents generally place a baby for adoption because of the lack of funds to raise a child. It's becoming harder and harder, in the current economy, for two-income families to earn enough to raise a child, so it's no wonder that single moms are having a tougher time and may have to make decisions based on economics. The worse the economy gets, it would seem the more placements may happen. At least that is a reasonable assumption. Only time will tell if that is true, but I believe the more our economy slumps, the more difficult it will be for those who are living paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet, forcing some who have experienced an unplanned pregnancy to consider adoption. At least I hope they consider adoption before abortion. Even in these hard economic times, the birth of any child is still a blessing.

Waiting to Adopt

Waiting to adopt is always the hardest part of the process. It's nearly the end of a very long and arduous journey. First, there are attempts to become pregnant. When that isn't successful, there are doctor visits, treatments, sometimes surgeries, injections, calendars and charts, sperm counts and ovarian scans, in vitro and GIFT and a whole host of procedures. That can go on for months and sometimes years. When all that fails, there is a grief process. You grieve over the loss of a baby that never was or you grieve over the loss of a baby who wasn't able to be born. You grieve your future and you curse your past. When the grief cycle is complete, you come out of it with a new understanding. You realize that it's more important for you to be a parent than the method in which it happens. When you come to that point, the journey of adoption begins.

You fill out paperwork for a home study, jump through all the hoops, get the needed letters of reference, meet with the social worker and bare your souls. You wonder why you have to "prove" you'll be a good parent and "qualify" for parenthood, when others don't have to simply because they can procreate. You begin to navigate the seemingly endless options and compare apples to oranges and wonder why it's so complex. You make decisions about what route to take, what road to choose. You hope it's the right one. You are anxious, nervous about the future, scared to proceed, but terrified not to.

Once you choose the agency/attorney/facilitator who will help you find that missing piece in your family puzzle, you put together a profile (no small task) and you submit yet more paperwork. And then you wait. And wait. A day seems like an eternity...and a month is more than you can bear. And then someone invites you to a baby shower and you lose it. Or a relative announces with glee that there's a baby on the way and they have no idea that it kills you inside each time it's happening for someone else. You think it will never happen for you. But, if you persevere, it will happen. The waiting, no matter how short or long it takes, is too long. You wanted a baby before you began the process. There is no real time frame. Sure, you can get averages and estimates...but it's all up to one birth mother who will eventually choose you...and who knows where she is or when she'll get here! So you wait.

Waiting does different things to different people. It's a difficult time and some handle it with quiet grace suffering silently and others are outwardly vocal and get upset easily. Sometimes it's easy to blame someone -- anyone -- for the baby who hasn't come yet. Sometimes it causes friction with your spouse (How could he possibly understand? He's a man!). It's all normal, but never easy to endure. These are your labor pains. This is what it takes to get to your goal. It will all be worth it in the end, I assure you. Even if you have a failure before you have a success, it will be worth it. The baby who was meant to be in your arms from the beginning of time will find you. Then, you will understand what the wait was all about. He or she wasn't here yet! And that one baby is the perfect one for you. I've heard it dozens of times. Perhaps this is the way we come to appreciate our children (and in about 13 years you may not be so appreciative!).

At any rate, look at the wait as time to get ready (as if anything can really prepare you for the real thing!). Read child care books. Take infant CPR classes. Get sleep and take bubble baths. Do some nesting and clean out all of your closets and donate needless items to make room for everything that comes with a baby. Keep yourself busy. Network with other adoptive parents who will empathize and share your journey. It's always easier to walk with a friend. The time will pass more quickly that way and one day you'll get that all important call. Then, your days (and nights) of sleep are over and you'll look back and wonder what you did with all of that free time. Once your world changes with the addition of a baby, you will hardly remember your past life. Adoptive parents are some of the best parents I know. This is because they appreciate what they've been through to achieve this goal of parenthood -- and they wouldn't trade the ride for anything. One of my adoptive parents (you know who you are, Annie) said "I give thanks to God every day for my infertility. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have THESE boys, who are my heart and soul". Amen.

Hurricane Ike, Take a Hike!

Tomorrow at dawn, we'll learn the fate of Galveston and Houston after Hurricane Ike. All of Galveston and part of Houston were under evacuation orders tonight. Thousands of people opted to "ride out" the storm. With a storm surge of 20 feet predicted, the thought seems preposterous, and yet over a third of the population of Galveston opted to stay put, despite being told there would likely be loss of life. One officer was telling those who opted to stay to write their social security number in indelible ink on their forearms so that they could be identified later. That would be enough to convince most people with more than six brain cells that it was time to go. I can't fathom why anyone would opt to risk life and limb, never mind their children and pets, to make a stand and defend the mobile home or house. I'm not sure what they think they'll do when their house starts to fill up with water and the streets are so flooded that emergency workers can't get there, and won't, until the storm lets up. I hope that it's not nearly as horrible as predicted, but it seems inevitable. Houston City officials are already predicting over 11 billion (with a b!) in damage. Shame on those who left their pets behind. The videos of dogs standing chest deep in water while locked inside a fence in the back yards of abandoned homes makes me ill. There is a special place in, well you know, for people who do that. Just say a prayer for everyone and every animal in Southeast Texas. Ike isn't showing any mercy.

Legacies Lost

September 11, 2001 is one of those days that people look back on and remember where they were, what they were doing, and almost like a movie playing in their minds, they remember what was said to them and how they felt when realization set in, even though it was so surreal. It doesn't seem like seven years ago. It seems like yesterday. Many of us watched the memorials on television and perhaps even participated in our own community remembrances. I found myself wondering about the babies left behind by everyone who died. Children of every age had parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in the buildings that fell. Babies were born after their fathers perished. It's amazing how -- in a couple of fleeting moments -- not only was history changed, but the lives and legacies of over 2,700 people were forever altered. What if? What if they had lived? There were people from 96 different countries and territories who died. How has their passing changed the course of history? We'll never know, but I'm certain that much more than lives was lost that day. Important discoveries weren't made. Children weren't raised with both parents. Someone who was lost forever didn't go home and didn't meet the person they would eventually marry. Their children never existed. Some of them were unable to donate an organ and someone who needed an organ didn't get one and lost their life too. A few books weren't written. Many heirlooms weren't passed down to a younger generation. Many who died weren't there for a graduation, a wedding, a bar mitzvah, a funeral, or to coach a daughter through a difficult childbirth. Speeches went unsaid, songs went unsung, and letters went unwritten. Someone's dog wondered where they were. Someone's child is still wondering. Like the footprints of the twin towers, we all leave a footprint. Some are bigger than others, but we all leave our mark. What would happen if you didn't come home? What wouldn't happen? It would be a fitting tribute to all who died that day if, in their memory, we made bigger footprints -- worked harder, played nicer, loved better -- if we cherished the time we have and didn't waste a moment -- if we apoligized more and complained less, because after all...we still have the ability to tell our loved ones how we feel and what they mean to us. I'm sure all of those people in the twin towers would cherish one last moment to do that. What would happen if...?

Politics and Pregnancy

I don't generally talk politics, since most political discussions are arguments waiting to happen. However, on the day that Sarah Palin, the woman who may be the next Vice-President, is set to talk at the Republican National Convention, I am making an exception. I, like many others in this country, didn't know much about Sarah Palin when John McCain named her as his running mate. I had read about her pregnancy and her child who has Down's Syndrome, and her winner-take-all politics in Alaska, but I confess to not having given her much of a thought. All that has changed now and I have been reading all I can about the woman who could be "a heartbeat away" from the Presidency. I have found her to be vibrant, spunky, very interesting, and worthy of consideration. The women of this country make up just over half of the registered voters. If all of us voted en bloc we would be unbeatable. Girl power! That won't happen, of course. I can only hope that women will consider other women when they vote. I am talking about unborn women. Virtually half of all aborted babies would eventually become women. In our country, they don't have rights until they come out kicking and screaming. Of course, if someone kills a pregnant woman and her baby dies with her, then there are two counts of murder. How can you have a second count of murder when the baby isn't a life? Our society has double standards. If you want your baby and it's killed, it's murder. If you don't want your baby and it's killed, it's "choice".

I do respect a woman's right to choose. She should have a right to choose when she has sexual relations and with whom. She has a right to choose to use birth control or not to use birth control methods. If she becomes pregnant despite (or in spite of) these choices, she has a choice to raise her child, have family raise her child, or place her child for adoption. I don't think compounding an already complex and difficult situation with the loss of a life is a viable choice. I remember seeing a bumper sticker about abortion. It said, "Abortion - one dead - one wounded". I've never read a more true statement. A woman who has endured an abortion, even "by choice", suffers in many ways for the rest of her life, no matter what she believes will occur in the after-life.

Now that Governor Palin has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant, critics are coming out of the woodwork. I have parented two children (with one yet to go) who were 17 at one time. I'm not sure that anyone can cast stones if they are living in modern times. I haven't met the parents who are with their children (and what if there are more than one?) 24/7. We all teach our children our values and hope that they have learned from us. But who among us has never made a mistake or done something that could have conceivably gotten us into trouble? It happens. It happens in good families. The Kennedy family, long known as the U.S. version of royalty, didn't live in Camelot. Their children had issues with drugs, rape, suicide, drunk driving, and even murder. They weren't perfect. We revered them as if they were -- but they weren't. The fact that Sarah Palin and her husband have embraced their daughter and accepted what has happened with grace and fortitude is a sign of strength and commitment. The situation is far from ideal for them and I would wager that they didn't hope to make this announcement, whether during the Republican National Convention or not. But, they are dealing with it and supporting their daughter. They didn't, as a family, sweep it under the rug and rush her off to an abortion clinic to get rid of the problem. That would have been the easy way out, especially for a woman who could be President some day. Instead, Sarah Palin is practicing what she preaches. As a family, they have opted to respect life. I'm sure they explored the the option of adoption with their daughter, but the choice was made for her to parent this baby. I respect that. While some criticize Governor Palin's policy of promoting abstinence, I think she can have it both ways. I think she can promote abstinence and promote life at the same time. I have no doubt, her daughter knows about birth control and protection (What 17 year old in the USA is that oblivious with information everywhere?). She's a teenager and likely impulsive, and she failed. It happens. The fact that she's not compounding an unplanned pregnancy with an abortion is admirable. Sarah Palin herself opted to carry a baby with Down's Syndrome to term. She is not a pro-life mouthpiece. She is living her belief.

John McCain is pro-life. He also practices what he preaches. Many have criticized him for his wealth. So he married a woman with money! Just because they have wealth, doesn't mean they don't have core values. She has voluteered and contributed to many worthy causes and it's hard to find something negative to say about what she does for others. She has set up philanthropic foundations and is active in children's and women's health issues. While in Bangladesh, she met Mother Theresa and heeded the call to "help this little one" and brought two special-needs orphans to the United States. The McCains adopted one child and their friends adopted the other. I don't believe their critics have adopted. If they had, they would know the real value of life and of nurturing a child who needs a home.

In our world today, too many people take life for granted. Too many don't view life as having the value that it should. In some countries, little girls are abandoned and thrown away simply because they are female. In some cultures, it is an "honor" to commit suicide while killing others -- all in the name of God or Allah or whatever they choose to call our higher power. If we don't respect life at a very basic level and we don't teach our children that life begins once two cells combine and begin multiplying into what will result (barring interruption) in a human being, we can't expect that our lives or the lives of our children will be respected. As a society, we have become so callous toward death and violence on the movie screen and so indifferent towards children being abused that we are creating our own criminals with no conscience. We are disgusted by those who would take the lives of our loved ones with disregard, but they have not been taught to respect life. It does take a village.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are not perfect. I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to be. I do think, however, that they are honorable people who want the best for their families and their nation. The fact that they are willing to stake their political careers on their beliefs and fight for the unborn is honorable. I will not criticize their opponents, as I think that they mean well also. However, for those of us who feel that life is still precious and fragile and worth saving, there isn't a question about where to place our mark on the ballot.

Pro-Life and the Death Penalty

I read with sadness this morning a newspaper article on Joseph Duncan, the long-time sex offender who was convicted of the torture and murder of 9-year-old Dylan Groene, of Idaho. I read the news each and every day and make it a point to stay current on news and events. For the first time that I can recall, I sat and cried while reading this article. You may recall this case in which Dylan and his sister, Shasta, age 8, were kidnapped from the home of their mother and step-father. The parents were killed, as was their 16 year old brother, Slade. Joseph Duncan murdered the whole family with the intent of taking Dylan and Shasta, after stalking the family for some time. This predator had struck before, in Riverside County, killing 10-year-old Anthony Martinez. The evil involved in these crimes is undefinable. This is every parent's nightmare personified. Jurors in the case were shown a video of sexual abuse, torture, and death by hanging of little Dylan. Joseph Duncan taped his crimes so that he could re-live them over and over again. Shasta was forced to watch, knowing the same fate could be awaiting her. Shasta was rescued when an alert waitress notified police that the little girl looked like the missing girl on t.v.

Working in adoption, I am pro-life, as you might imagine. I like to think that I have a kind heart and wouldn't ever condone hurting anyone. However, in this case, there is no punishment too harsh -- no suffering enough -- to mitigate the crimes against the most vulnerable and innocent in our society. How many years of life did he take away? How many lives were changed because of what Joseph Duncan did? How does such a monster arrive at a place where he could possibly do such heinous things? Five people are dead. One little girl has to live with what she witnessed and the loss of her entire family. Twelve jurors, friends, and court personnel can never forget what they saw on the videotape. So, while I am very much pro-life, Mr. Duncan is the exception. He doesn't deserve to take up space or resources on this earth. I don't want any of my tax dollars going to feed or house him. He shouldn't be allowed to ever have the opportunity to do something like this again. He has received the death penalty. There will be years of appeals and he will live on for many more years before, and if, his life is taken. When it happens, it will be done quickly and humanely -- something he didn't afford his victims, certainly not Dylan or Anthony. The mere thought of what they went through haunts me.

How do we prevent this type of crime from ever happening again? How do we protect our children and our families? I wish I knew. It seems that more and more often in our world, this type of evil is making itself known. Perhaps with the advent of the internet and the availability of child porn to these predators, we are fueling their desire for children. We need to aggressively hunt down and prosecute those distributing this garbage and stop giving child predators short sentences or probation. No matter what we do, we can't help those who have already suffered and lost their lives. It makes me very sad. Dylan is my son's name. I can't even imagine...

Internet Marketing of Adoption

The Internet is a part of our lives and is here to stay. It is a wonderful tool for gathering information and we have all come to depend upon it. However, there are times when ethical lines are crossed and good judgment goes by the wayside. I am talking about the practice of putting birth mother information or adoptive parent profiles on the Internet for all to see. The first issue I have with this is privacy. Privacy evaporates on the Internet. Even when you take things down, much of the time those old posts can be found. Personal information is out there and it's not limited to those who need to know. In many cases, there are phone numbers listed. This puts adoptive parents in a precarious position because they have no idea who is accessing that information. There's no buffer to protect adoptive families who are all too vulnerable. I wonder how many times an unscrupulous person has purported to be someone they're not in an attempt to extort money from an adoptive family. You can read about it all over the adoption chat boards (another hot topic!). Secondarily, how many birth moms are really "shopping" for an adoptive family on the Internet? On one adoption website, the adoptive families are instructed to provide their phone numbers. Presumably, birth parents (and others) call them. If the situation isn't right or doesn't match with them, the adoptive parents become glorified office assistants for the agency, writing intake information and forwarding calls to the agency. I guess it saves the agency money because they don't have to hire additional workers, but what are the adoptive parents paying for, if not service and professionalism? Additionally, I wonder how long it takes a family to match when they are competing with hundreds of other couples on the same site? What happened to taking some time to get to know a birth mother and finding out her preferences and what she really wants? What happened to telling her about prospective families who may have a common bond with her that can't be communicated in a few pages posted on a web site? Birth mothers and adoptive families deserve better than this. These websites are more like Internet dating sites, where people -- based on looks -- decide whether to "keep this one" or "throw this one out". It reeks of baby selling, with some agencies even putting "prices" on each baby. Why is this legal? I have no idea, but I object to it. I think it's trafficking in human beings. The adoption of a child shouldn't be like shopping for a puppy. Perhaps Dateline should do a show along the lines of their highly successful "To Catch a Predator", only this one would be entitled "To Catch a Baby Broker". For those who do these postings, hiding under an agency banner or behind a shield doesn't make it right. It's time that our legislators look into these practices and make some changes. If you care, write your congressperson.

Heartbreak in Guatemala

The BBC is reporting today that babies have been stolen "to order" in Guatemala. Currently, the U.S. is not allowing adoptions from Guatemala until the country is Hague-compliant, however, for years couples have been able to adopt in fairly short order from Guatemala. Agencies and attorneys in the United States networked with Guatemalan agencies, attorneys, and facilitators to find adoptable children in a country where many were placed legitimately simply because their families couldn't feed them. It is being reported now that babies have been stolen in order to place them in the homes of adoptive families in the U.S. In a very poor country, the money that changed hands for "orphaned" babies (some couples paid upward of $30,000.00) was apparently enough to incite unscrupulous baby brokers to steal the children of women who had no desire to place them for adoption. One mother has found her daughter by looking through hundreds of pictures and video tapes. DNA proved the link between the two. Many more are searching for the children that were taken. There is no good outcome in this situation. Even though they are poor, women who had their children stolen have every right to have them back. In the U.S., adoptive families unaware of the dark circumstances under which their children came to them, face uncertainty about what may happen if it is found that they were stolen and placed illegally. In most cases, both families were innocent victims. As investigations go on, almost certainly some of these babies will be reclaimed as it is determined through DNA that they are missing children. Records have apparently been altered and falsified to hide the facts, so for many the truth will never be discovered. The anguish of the mothers who lost their children is indescribable. Some face a lifetime of heartbreak. The anguish of the adoptive families who lose what they long sought to find will be equally heart-wrenching. How could this have happened? The Guatemalan government needs to answer this question and many more. This is the stuff that adoption nightmares are made of, and why so many people are afraid to adopt.

How do you know how to choose an agency, attorney, or facilitator? Nothing is ever fool-proof, but if the cost seems out of the ordinary and much higher than you anticipated, keep looking. Make sure that your adoption professional can provide references, and lots of them. If they have hundreds of families willing to vouch for them, they are doing something right. If they don't, keep shopping for a better professional to represent you. If someone is reluctant to give you references and cites "privacy" as an issue, know that when adoptive parents are happy with an adoption professional, they are typically happy to talk with other potential adoptive parents and share their story, and they give permission to share their information. They were in the same place months or years before and needed the same reassurance. Network with other adoptive families -- they are great resources. Our adoptive families are encouraged to get to know other adoptive families for support and so that the kids know other adopted children. This is a win-win situation. If an adoption professional wants to keep everyone apart, that could be a red flag. I have more to say on agencies or attorneys who "market" birth mothers and adoptive families on the internet. More on that tomorrow...

Training

As a mother, I've learned that anything with the word "training" attached is something to be feared. First it's potty training (yuck!). There are always lovely accidents to clean up after. And then, just as you think raising kids isn't so tough, it's driver's training. The first will give you some gray hairs. The second will make you pull them out. I went through potty training three times. I can tell you that boys are infinitely harder than girls. When you're in the car and your little girl says, "Mommy, I want to potty"...you have time to find a clean place to pull into and assist her. With boys, it's a little more tricky. When your little boy says, "Mommy, I have to potty", it's generally followed in short order by "Oh no! I can't hold it!" or something similar followed by a soaking of the pants. Boys don't think about it until it's virtually too late. I always swore I wouldn't be a station wagon mom. The one good thing about minivans is that you can carry around a potty seat in the back and be ready at a moment's notice. Problem solved? Not quite. Getting them to the point of wanting to use the potty is another matter. We tried many things. I think for the boys the most successful effort came with food coloring. Boys are obsessed with their own urine. Yes, it's true. I'm not sure they outgrow that part, but that's for another day. With that in mind, if you drop one drop of food coloring in the "hat" of the potty seat, you can cheerfully say, "Hey, let's see what color your pee pee is today!" and it works for a while. You have to get creative and mix colors to keep it interesting, but the boys get quite proud when their pee is blue! Girls may require a little more ingenuity. Or not. I was all set up for the stickers and rewards when she asked out of the blue one day when we were dropping her brother off at school, "When do I get to go to school"? I replied, when you are age 3 and potty trained. "Hmmm", she said. Later that day she asked for her "big girl panties" and that was it. There wasn't another accident or problem. She just made up her mind to do it. She then stated that she was "ready to go to school". How do you explain to a child just over age 2 that age 3 is a year away? Who knew she could potty train in a day? If driver's training was as easy....

Olympians

If you're like me, you've been glued to the television, watching the Summer Olympics in Beijing. While I was watching superman Michael Phelps make it look easy, I began wondering how many olympic athletes may have been adopted. I started doing a little research and I am sure there are many more, but I came up with a few names of interest. Olympic figure skater, Scott Hamilton, was adopted. I remember him talking about being grateful that he ended up with the parents he did. They nurtured his dreams of being a competitive skater, taking him to the early morning practices for years. During the Winter Olympics of 2006, Toby Dawson skied for a bronze medal in Men's Freestyle Moguls. Dan O'Brien won gold in the Olympic decathlon in 1996. Dan is one of eight children, five of whom were adopted. Greg Louganis, a diver, competed in two olympics, winning a silver medal in 1976 (a very good year) and a gold in 1984. Caitlin Carruthers also participated in two olympics. She and her skating partner won a silver medal in 1984. Lopez Lamong is competing in Beijing in track and field, in the men's 1,500 meter this week.

Perhaps the most impressive adopted olympian for me is swimmer Jessica Long. Jessica was born in Russia and adopted by an American family. Due to an absence of fibulas, ankles, heels, and bones in her feet, her legs were amputated below the knees when she was 18 months old. She's like any other teen, hanging out with friends and checking her MySpace, organizing her bedroom and jumping on her trampoline. However, she does more than that. According to her bio page, she holds 34 American records, 17 Pan-American records, 2 Paralympic records, and 14 World Records. In the Paralympics, she holds three gold medals, as well as nine gold medals in world championships. She was quoted as saying, "I'm a girl, I'm an athlete, swimming is my sport. Prepare to be humiliated". Jessica will be going for the gold in the Beijing Paralympics during the first weeks in September. You can watch her progress at the official website of the Beijing paralympic games at http://en.paralympic.beijing2008.cn/index.shtml. Go Jessica!

Searching for birth families

Listening to a podcast called "Journeys to Motherhood" by Barbara Winters, I smiled when I heard that a 70 year old adoptee had recently found his 90 year old birth mother. What are the odds of that? Adoptees have always searched. It's important to know who we are and we all want information about our past. Why should adoptees be any different? Background information, for adoptees, is much harder to come by. In years past, closed adoption was the norm. Getting information from closed adoption files was similar to a CIA operation. Fort Knox is less protected than some of these adoption records. In recent years, though, open adoption has become the norm and many states have opened the records. Bastard Nation -- an organization dedicated to the civil and human rights of adoptees -- has worked to change the laws state by state so that adoptees can have access to who they are and where they came from. Shouldn't everyone have access to that information? I've heard the arguments that back in the day birth mothers were promised that their records would never be unsealed. It seems to me, from the conversations I've shared with birth mothers, that most of those adoptions were sealed to keep information from the birth mothers. It wasn't necessarily the birth mother's request to have the file closed. Once upon a time, if you placed your child for adoption, your rights were severed just as totally as if you had put your arm in a wood chipper, never to be recovered. The nurse whisked away the baby after you labored to give birth and you weren't even allowed a peek at the newborn. Never mind saying goodbye. This seems like cruel and unusual punishment and the birth mother never even got a trial. It wasn't until I listened to a presentation by an adoptee who was trying to get the legislature in Tennessee to open the records that the denials by congressmen of what seemed to be reasonable requests on behalf of adoptees began to make sense. It seems logical now. Congressmen tend to be away from home a lot, either in the state capitals or the federal capital. How often do we hear about congressmen having affairs or mistresses, like the recent disclosures of John Edwards? It makes sense, then, that it would be a difficult, if not impossible, task to get the states legislatures to vote to open the records of adoptees. The adoptees get peace of mind, but what do the congressmen get? They get found out. Interesting how the whole process comes full circle.

Grief and Mothers

Often people say to me, "Oh, your work must be so rewarding and satisfying". Whenever I hear that, I say "Yes, it can be", but I also think to myself, "You have no idea how heartbreaking and emotional it can be too". It's always a happy event when a baby is born and goes home to a loving family. Birth is a miracle that unites families. However, for birth mothers, it can be a source of grief. A mother with empty arms is a mother, nonetheless. Even though she has made the choice of adoption for her child, she still goes through the cycle of grief that comes with losing someone or something very meaningful. It can be very much like a death in the family. I have yet to meet the birth mother who didn't love her child. Adoptive moms are no strangers to grief either. They have to grieve their infertility and childlessness before they can move forward to find other ways to build their family. Of course, a new baby erases all that pain and grief for an adoptive mom. But what about the birth mother? She goes home with empty arms and breasts full of milk. It can be a very sad time for her. Open adoption has gone a long way to helping birth mothers heal. While birth parents can give a child to a waiting family, that family can give peace of mind back to the birth mother. Just knowing that her child is healthy and happy and being cared for and given the life she couldn't provide at the time of birth helps a birth mother cope with her loss. It's important, too, for her to know what a gift she has given to the adoptive parents she has chosen. A letter and a few pictures now and then aren't too much to ask. What a long way adoption has come in the past 50 years!

When adoptive parents express to me that they are apprehensive about keeping in touch with the birth mother, it is generally because they are fearful that at some point, their child will be reclaimed and they will be left childless and heartbroken. Once it is explained that at the point that an adoption is irrevocable that won't happen, they are more willing to share. Adoptive mothers and birth mothers have a great deal in common. They share the same grief. Adoptive mothers grieve the loss of children never conceived or lost through miscarriage and stillbirth. Birth mothers grieve the loss of the child they bore, but were unable to care for, either physically or financially. When they realize that they share this grief, more often than not a bond is formed and a relationship is born. Then, both families can be united by the love they share, and the child can't get too much love.

All About Adoption

It seems everyone is blogging these days, so I figured I had better get on the bandwagon. With foreign adoption programs dropping like flies, more people are turning to domestic adoption as a way to build their family. Every day we fight the "myths" of adoption. People are under the assumption that they can't adopt domestically -- that it is too hard or takes too long, or even that there are no babies to be adopted. Certainly, it's not easy, but it's not as difficult as most people think. In this blog, I'm hoping to address the issues that adoptive families find intimidating -- home studies, profiling, being chosen by a birth mother, travel, open adoption, stereotyping, and perceived barriers such as age, weight, occupation, or negative family members.

In the media, adoption is big news. You hear about "celebrity" adoptions. The myth here is that everyone thinks that celebrities have an "in" or somehow are able to adopt more quickly than others. Not so in most cases! In fact, in some ways it's much more difficult to match a celebrity with a birth mom. Consider that currently, most adoptions are "open" adoptions, in which the birth parents know who the adoptive parents are, and have chosen them. With celebrities, it is more difficult because you can't send their profiles out to birth parents without everyone knowing that they are involved in the adoption process. If the media gets wind of an impending adoption, it can become a circus. So, a birth parent has to be asking for a closed adoption (rare) or they have to agree up front to sign a confidentiality statement and even then it can be risky. Tabloids are willing to pay big bucks for stories that most families wouldn't want splashed across the front pages of magazines. Never mind the privacy issue this poses for the birth mother.

In one adoption that I recall, an agency social worker leaked information to the media prior to the birth of a child who was to be adopted by a well-known celebrity. My guess is that money changed hands. The media frenzy that followed was mind boggling. Paparazzi staked out the hospital in order to get pictures and the adoptive father couldn't even go to the hospital to see his child born because of the media hype. So, don't believe it if you hear that celebrity adoption is easier than it is for everyone else. Everyone has to go through the same home study and background check process -- there are no exceptions. And when you read about an adoption, it may be that there was a plan to adopt for many months or even years before it actually happened. Do celebrities have a right to privacy like the rest of us? I think so. Does the media overstep their bounds? I think so. It is conceivable that we need some laws written to address paparazzi and celebrity stalking and perhaps allow sanity and privacy to make a comeback.