Grief and Mothers

Often people say to me, "Oh, your work must be so rewarding and satisfying". Whenever I hear that, I say "Yes, it can be", but I also think to myself, "You have no idea how heartbreaking and emotional it can be too". It's always a happy event when a baby is born and goes home to a loving family. Birth is a miracle that unites families. However, for birth mothers, it can be a source of grief. A mother with empty arms is a mother, nonetheless. Even though she has made the choice of adoption for her child, she still goes through the cycle of grief that comes with losing someone or something very meaningful. It can be very much like a death in the family. I have yet to meet the birth mother who didn't love her child. Adoptive moms are no strangers to grief either. They have to grieve their infertility and childlessness before they can move forward to find other ways to build their family. Of course, a new baby erases all that pain and grief for an adoptive mom. But what about the birth mother? She goes home with empty arms and breasts full of milk. It can be a very sad time for her. Open adoption has gone a long way to helping birth mothers heal. While birth parents can give a child to a waiting family, that family can give peace of mind back to the birth mother. Just knowing that her child is healthy and happy and being cared for and given the life she couldn't provide at the time of birth helps a birth mother cope with her loss. It's important, too, for her to know what a gift she has given to the adoptive parents she has chosen. A letter and a few pictures now and then aren't too much to ask. What a long way adoption has come in the past 50 years!

When adoptive parents express to me that they are apprehensive about keeping in touch with the birth mother, it is generally because they are fearful that at some point, their child will be reclaimed and they will be left childless and heartbroken. Once it is explained that at the point that an adoption is irrevocable that won't happen, they are more willing to share. Adoptive mothers and birth mothers have a great deal in common. They share the same grief. Adoptive mothers grieve the loss of children never conceived or lost through miscarriage and stillbirth. Birth mothers grieve the loss of the child they bore, but were unable to care for, either physically or financially. When they realize that they share this grief, more often than not a bond is formed and a relationship is born. Then, both families can be united by the love they share, and the child can't get too much love.