Adoptive families are often worried about a birth mother placing a child with them and then changing her mind. The fact is, in some cases, that can happen. The laws vary from state to state, but in some states there is a period of time in which the birth mother can change her mind for any reason or no reason at all. Family can be the deciding factor. If a birth mother's family is supportive of her decision, it will be easier for her to follow through. It's a difficult decision no matter what, but with family support she can get through it. When her family is opposed to the child being placed for adoption and they don't support her decision, this can cause problems at the time of the placement. The fear of being ostracised by her family may override her desire to place her child for adoption. This can be very stressful for a birth mother to endure and she may cave in to family pressure. This is understandable when her family is threatening to disown her or making her feel that she is not a good daughter or sister because she is not considering their wishes.
In reality, most birth mothers who are placing a child are doing so because they have no real family support, financial or physical. Often, a family who is pressuring a birth mother to keep the baby are promising her that help and support, and then it doesn't materialize. When that happens, she is faced with an even more daunting situation and may have to make the decision to place her child after bonding.
In adoptive families, family intervention in the decision making process can be equally as stressful. Some adoptive couples are comfortable with expanding their options and perhaps being open to multiple races or special needs. When family members hear about this, they interject their opinion and this can cause tension in the family and, at times, may cause the adoptive couple to change their mind about being so open, feeling that their family may not accept the new member.
In either case, family isn't going to be there doing the day to day tasks of raising an infant and much of the time their arguments go by the wayside once a decision has been made. However, family can unduly influence the decision-making process and this has to be considered in any adoptive situation. If family objects, it's difficult to move forward, but not impossible. The person(s) making the decision have to be able to remain strong and focused and understand that it is their life and their decision. Some are strong enough to stand up and make the decision that is best for them. Others simply can't withstand the pressure and they are then faced with challenges they never expected to have and decisions made for them. They are frustrated and resentful and this tends to cause strife within their family -- the very thing they didn't want to have in the first place.
Family dischord and dysfunction are factors that affect most birth mothers' decisions, whether to place or not to place. Family pressure can be influential in decisions made by adoptive couples as well. We encourage birth mothers and adoptive families alike to make the decision that is best for them, no matter what it is -- not what others want for them or pressure them to do. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences and the benefits of their decision and they are the ones who will have regrets if they don't do what is best for themselves.
2 comments:
I am a Mother who lost her daughter to adoption in 1969 and I wish I could say things are really all that different now.Iam in contact with many Mothers and adoptees that wish they had never heard the word adoption.Also we didn't want to abort our babies we wanted to keep them.Thank Goodness more Grandparents are stepping up and helping their grandchildren stay in the family.
Way too many services have been cut for single Moms and that is why I voted for Barrack.I believe the Republicans would be very happpy to bring back those good ole days when women had no choice except to surrender their babies to adoption.Interesting that we wanted our parents to help us and yet I read where others would complain if the parents are helping their children.The National Council for adoption is a big conservative lobby for the adoption industry ,who also believes that closed adoptions is the way to go. They are trying to use us Mothers as an excuse for keeping us separated from our children.
There are some agencies complaining that although Moms ,due to the recession ,are having to surrender their infants for adoption, PAPS are unable to come up with the $20,000 dollars for the "fees".
So,you want abortion to end? How do you hope this will happen?More tax breaks for adoptive parents aka more income for the adoption industry or more services for family preservation? I am hoping for the later.That would indeed be the labor that would continue with love.
I agree that we need more services for those women wishing to keep their children. 1969 was a very different time and current open adoption trends make adoption a more viable choice for those who don't want to parent and would otherwise choose abortion. No one should be separated from a child if they don't want that. Many grandparents are raising grandbabies and family support is a very positive thing. The hard fact is that many women don't have that for whatever reason (some grandparents are deceased and others can't or won't help). I don't think Republicans or Democrats want women to surrender babies for adoption. The reality is that most men (sorry to those of you who do) don't really care about these issues. In Tennessee, where they opened the adoption records first, legislators fought it. Why? Because they fathered so many babies out of wedlock. In today's adoption world, there isn't the same anxiety about open adoption that there was twenty, thirty, or forty years ago, when adoption was considered something to be hidden (due to the fact that giving birth out of wedlock was looked down upon). I would like abortion to end. We have the means to give everyone the birth control they desire and when it fails, we have the means to find good homes with open adoption for those children. No child needs to die. I understand your desire for family preservation. For you, that would have been a Godsend. For some, that's not what they desire. There should be an option for everyone that safely protects the child.
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