Adoption Now and Then

It's been a while since I blogged.  I guess between the holidays, end of year, and the new year, I have been more busy than ever.  I'm going to get back into the swing of things.

Years ago, adoption was a dirty word.  You only said it in a whisper when you were talking about someone who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock.  It was a shameful thing because it meant someone was in trouble.  Girls who got pregnant were sent off to maternity homes or an aunt or grandma half way across the country -- the further the better.  When they came back six months later, everyone pretended that they believed whatever story was concocted to cover it up.  Women placing their babies had horrible experiences, many times not even being allowed to see the baby they had just given birth to.  Some were never even told the gender.  The baby was taken away -- spirited from the room, nurses and doctors talking in hushed tones.


In the nursery, instead of putting a last name on the card, it would say Baby Girl BUFA or Baby Boy BUFA, meaning "baby up for adoption".  I cringe at the fact that this is still used today in some hospitals.  It seems ignorant to me.  There are no illegitimate babies.  They are all legitimate.  They didn't get to determine the circumstances under which they were born and they are born without fault.

Years ago, I attended an American Adoption Congress meeting in Nashville and attended lectures given by various adoption professionals and adoptees.  I will never forget some of the stories told there.  I was moved by one woman who, without her consent, had her child taken from her as soon as she gave birth.  It was involuntary, but her father insisted, and she was a minor and so it was done.  She was never allowed to grieve, never allowed to talk about the baby or make reference to her.  I remember her saying "My father took my child away from me then, but he couldn't keep her away from me forever"....she managed to find her after 40 years.  She thought about that child every day, and she never forgave her father.

This all came back to me as I listened today as Oprah described how she recently found out something she had never known.  Her mother gave up a baby for adoption secretly.  As was the case at the time, she told no one and Oprah, living with her father, never knew she had another sister. She was divorced and couldn't afford another child, and so this was the choice she made.  Oprah has clearly been stunned by the revelation. You can imagine how she must feel deceived by her mother.  Her younger sister is named Patricia, the same name as another sister who has since died.  Patricia was able to piece together information that eventually lead her to believe that she had the same mother as Oprah.  It turned out to be true. She tried for a while to get into contact and finally spoke with Oprah's aunt.  After DNA testing, she knew she was Oprah's half-sister.

Everyone should know where they came from.  Everyone deserves that.  That's why open adoption is so much more healthy than the closed adoptions of the past.  Adoption needs to come out of the closet.  It's not shameful and it's not something to be hidden. Virtually all of us have been touched by adoption.  I'm happy that Patricia was able to find her birth family and happy that Oprah has been able to connect with the sister who she never knew about.  Congratulations to all of them.

Angels Among Us

For those who wonder, I can tell you with full certainty that there are angels living among us.  I've seen many things that point to this, but none more convincing than those responding to a recent e-mail I had sent out to special needs agencies, adoptive parents, and contacts within my adoption circle.  It has always been our mission to find a home for every baby who needs one, no matter the situation.  And, thankfully, we have always found willing families, no matter the situation.  Every once in a while, a special needs situation comes up and it can be a challenge to locate the perfect family.  But, somehow, some way, there is always that special family that is the right match for the baby.  Last week, we went in search of a family for a baby who was born with severe hydrocephalus and limited brain function.  The response has been surprising.  This baby will need a lifetime of care, special attention, and will not have much potential.  Still, there are families who want this baby to be in their family.  Many families.  There are, indeed, angels among us.

Teens and Oral Contraceptives: Putting it all in Perspective

     The following article was written by a guest blogger, Matt Phillips. Matt is a young professional who has found his voice in advocating for Women's health. He has shared some good points. I would add that in terms of contraceptives, I have serious concerns about Depo Provera. I jokingly refer to it as a "fertility drug," as a good number of our birth mothers report having been on Depo at the time they conceived. Whether it is being allowed to expire or it's actually failing is unknown. I would caution all women when using this form of birth control to also use a condom as well, as it seems to be unreliable and condoms allow for further protection from sexually-transmitted diseases.

     "The advent and subsequent popularity of certain birth control methods have led to a welcome decline in teen pregnancy throughout the United States. However, these methods, most notably oral contraceptives, also bring forth a host of further risks. Unfortunately, teens tend to fixate on avoiding pregnancy, arguably because it's the most visible consequence. However, with such well-established and successful adoption programs in place to bring life to a family unable to have children, these drugs deserve deeper scrutiny before young adults hastily decide to use them.

     One major factor of these drugs is their potentially damaging side effects.While pregnancy rates in this country have declined, sexually transmitted disease rates continue to grow. However, these drugs do nothing to address that specific concern. Worse still, these pills might actually encourage unprotected sex, tempting naive young adults to believe they're safe against all the unwanted outcomes of sex. The legitimizing effects of these pills, followed by the accelerated spread of disease, are a serious health concern parents and young adults need to consider when considering an oral contraceptive.

     Unfortunately, parents cannot rely on schools to address the dangers of these contraceptives. With U.S. government's renewal of its $50 million a year funding over five years for abstinence-focused education, teens might not receive the unbiased information needed to make the right choice regarding this contraceptive. Worse still, schools might totally refuse to discuss this contraception because it conflicts with the curriculum's assertion that abstinence should be the sole method teens use regarding sexuality. With the government's strong stance against teen sex, and by extension, contraception, parents simply can't rely on schools to thoroughly discuss this particular drug.

     Even worse than schools at discussing the details of these drugs, the manufacturers of contraceptives regularly fail to mention important information regarding their safety. One producer, Bayer Health Care, was recently cited by the FDA for having misleading television advertisements about its products. Promoting their product as a total quality-of-life improvement, these ads further mislead teens into choosing these drugs based on unproven claims. Furthermore, Bayer was also cited for substandard conditions in on of the plants of its hormone-manufacturing providers.

     With the charges that have  been levied against this oral contraceptive maker, it's of little surprise that the extreme physical consequences of these drugs also have not been released by the manufacturer. These hormone-altering pills actually lead to permanent side effects, like the possibility of infertility. Originally introduced in the 1960's, some critics argue these oral contraceptives might also be to blame in the elevated cancer incidences for women in the U.S. Although easily dismissed by young people as harmless and a "safe alternative," these drugs literally disrupt many significant aspects of life including sexual, emotional, and physical health.

     In fact, the growing number of complaints against oral contraceptives, exemplified by pending Yaz lawsuits, indicates that the short-term safety of such birth control options is far from certain. Users of this particular product have seen serious, and sometimes fatal, side effects including heart attack, stroke, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, and gallbladder disease. However, because schools refuse to recognize anything but abstinence as a legitimate lifestyle, these facts are rarely discussed with teens.

     With such a strong adoption system in place and so many options to mothers, it's unfortunate so many women continue to utilize such a dangerous method to avoid pregnancy. Regrettably, a serious lack of information flow, both from schools, the media, and the manufacturer itself, is largely to blame. Worse still, young women feel they actually are protected when using this contraceptive, leading to even more undesired consequences. Like many social solutions, the use of this drug and the negative consequences it causes can only effectively be solved if teens are empowered with actual information about it limitations, side effects, and less-damaging alternatives that also protect against sexually transmitted disease. Furthermore, teaching teens that adoption is a noble act might act as further motivation for teens to take their focus of the relatively-short term effects of pregnancy and consider the serious physical consequences of oral contraceptives and sexually transmitted diseases."

Halloween Traditions - Is It Time To Change?

Halloween has come and gone once again and the kids will be in a sugar coma for the next week. I have mixed feelings about Halloween. My parents were actually married on Halloween. Can you imagine your anniversary being spent giving out candy to goblins and witches every year? Back in the day, Halloween was a big deal. I remember literally hundreds of trick or treaters coming to our door each year. My mother always counted and proudly gave us the grand total at the end of the evening (I tried last night and I don't know how she kept count!). The Halloween parties were always something to remember. We actually had bobbing for apples and some really fun haunted houses and haunted barns. It was great fun. As a college student, I worked at Knott's Berry Farm and participated in Halloween Haunt, or Knott's Scary Farm as it is known now. It was great fun (what teen doesn't love scaring children?!).

But nothing stays the same. Halloween is not the holiday it once was. One local city, Murrieta, sent out letters to all of the registered sex offenders in the city, discouraging them from handing out candy to children. This seems like a no-brainer and should be part of their parole/probation, but apparently it's not a law...but rather a suggestion. This comes just days after a local sex offender drove into the parking lot of our local sheriff's station and flagged down an officer to let him know that he had a body in the truck of his car. It turned out to be a 48 year old woman who had recently become involved with him. It's not clear if she knew about his past. Either way, he was a danger to society and we should know that. The recidivism rate with sex offenders is off the charts. Most of them repeatedly offend. The only difference is that they learn that if they leave a victim to testify, they will go to jail, so their crimes become more advanced and more sinister, if that is possible. As I write this, our local school district has reported that a man has been trying to abduct girls walking to school in the morning. What better time to do that than around Halloween, when a person can wear a costume and get away with it?

Each year on Halloween, I cringe when I turn on the news and hear what has been given out to children. Candy with razor blades, LSD dots, and rat poison in candy corn balls comes to mind. This year, I heard two bizarre stories. Marijuana legalization proponents were giving out marijuana-laced brownies (another reason not to eat anything that isn't professionally packaged). Half the time, older kids and teens were eating this stuff before they got home and mom had a chance to check out the candy. Some kids got flavored condoms in their Halloween goody bags. Not sure what this world is coming to, but maybe it's time to reconsider how we celebrate this holiday. Hmmmm...there's an oxymoron for you. Holiday = Holy day = All Hallows Eve?

Most of us wouldn't even consider sending our children door to door for other reasons, so why for candy? I know it's about the tradition, the "experience", and the fun of it, but wouldn't it be more reasonable for families with kids to get together to provide an old-fashioned costume party? If each family contributed what they would give out for Halloween, there would be no shortage of candy. With the stranger-danger that our kids face every day (and it seems like it's so much more prevalent now than it was years ago), I think it's time to reassess the Halloween traditions we all grew up with. It was either safer when we were children, or we were just all naive to the danger. Knowing it's out there, we have to protect our children. I'm sure Halloween lovers may call me a witch or something similar for saying this, but perhaps we should change Halloween traditions and ban the door to door trick or treating. It's unfortunate, but for the safety of children, we should think up a better alternative and not dangle the carrot to those who would hurt them. "Safe and sane" is a concept that should be able to be applied to any holiday, not just the fourth of July.

The Nobel Prize in Medicine - In Vitro Pioneer Wins

Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged. We've been crazy busy with adoptions and distractions lately. Before adopting, many of our families go through in vitro procedures, among other infertility options. This technology has enabled 4 million infants to be born, who otherwise would not be here. In fact, surprisingly, today the odds of a pregnancy occurring after just one in vitro cycle are approximately the same (one in five) as a fertile couple trying to conceive naturally. That's pretty amazing when you consider that the first "test tube" baby, Louise Brown, was born in 1978, during our lifetime. The technique has evolved quickly into a viable option for infertile couples or single women who want to conceive. Of course, there are ethical issues as well, which stem from what to do with the leftover fertilized eggs, age of the mother, and stem cell issues. Regardless of how those questions get answered, it is the research of Dr. Robert Edwards, in vitro pioneer, and his partner, the late Patrick Steptoe, which enabled 4 million families to have the children they so desperately wanted. This past week, the Nobel Prize in medicine went to Dr. Edwards. He is now a professor emeritus at the University of Cambridge and is 85 years old. Too often, people are not recognized during their lifetime for achievements that affect others so profoundly. I'm glad Dr. Edwards got his Nobel while he is still alive. Congratulations to Dr. Edwards, all of his patients who have successfully conceived, and the babies who are here because of him.

California Tightens Sex Offender Laws - Justice for Chelsea

California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is set to sign Assembly Bill 1844, "Chelsea's Law". Yesterday, the California Assembly unanimously passed the bill that will enact one of the nation's toughest sex offender laws on the books. It's about time. Both Chelsea King and Amber Dubois were killed by registered sex offender, John Albert Gardner III. Amazingly, despite being a registered sex offender and sporting a tracking bracelet, Gardner roamed freely around Southern California stalking victims, after serving time for another violent crime against a child. He should have been monitored. In my opinion, he should never have been released. Both Amber and Chelsea would have been alive today had he been kept behind bars. Our local Senator, Dennis Hollingsworth, has authored a bill which passed unanimously today in the senate. This bill, S85, will help families preserve the memories of their slain children. It is called the "Deceased Child Victims Protection and Privacy Act". Under this bill, the gruesome details of a child's murder and autopsy results can be sealed by the victim's family. If a family has lost a child in a perverse killing, they have every right to privacy. I can't imagine, as a mother, turning on the t.v. to see my child portrayed as a victim of sexual torture and abuse. It would be nearly as devastating as the murder itself.

New laws proposed in California require a checklist for police to follow during missing child investigations, reduce the reporting time to get authorities working on the case, and provide for a Director of Missing Child Operations, a new position in the State Attorney General's office. All of these new laws will go into effect in January, 2011. Governor Schwarzenegger will sign them all. He has stated "I am committed to protecting our children and keeping our communities safe from the threat of sexual predators, and Chelsea's Law will help to do that by creating harsher penalties on those that prey on children". I don't think the penalties could ever be harsh enough, but California is leading the way in passing laws that actually have teeth. Chelsea's Law mandates life sentences for those who commit violent sex crimes against children. No three strikes. One strike, and it's life behind bars, just as it should be. The recidivism rates for sex crimes are so high that repeat offenders are a given. In my view, a death sentence wouldn't be too harsh, but putting them in jail and throwing away the key is going to protect children from what Chelsea and Amber and their families have gone through.

If you go to the Megan's Law website and look up the sex offenders in your neighborhood and in your city, you will be astounded. They are everywhere. Time to get them out of our neighborhoods and into jail where they belong. There is no more heinous crime than a sex crime against a child.

What's in a Name?

All parents-to-be think about and sometimes obsess about baby names. The social security administration has tracked baby names for decades. Some of the most popular boy names -- Jacob, Ethan, and Michael -- or girl names -- Isabella, Emily, and Emma -- appear on the list time after time. There are some names which are becoming more popular as we speak, such as Mia, Chloe, Jayden, and Noah. There is also a trend by celebrities and others to pick original names -- names that very few others would have, such as Titan, Shiloh, Suri, Apple, Rumer, and Puma. Whether popular or unusual, a child will have to live with the name chosen for them for the rest of their lives -- or at least until they are old enough to change it. A study from the University of Oldenburg (and previous other studies) revealed that from the moment they read a school register, teachers have a pre-conceived notion about the child and unfair prejudices result. And it's not just teachers that have those prejudices. Traditional names are consistently linked to strong performance and good behavior. Non-traditional names are linked to poor performance and bad behavior. It's conceivable that if two children are talking or disrupting the class, the one who has the non-traditional name will be the one accused of causing the problem, regardless of which actually did.

In Germany, the name "Kevin" has a negative connotation. One study participant stated that "Kevin is not a name -- it's a diagnosis". This is how deep the prejudices against certain names run. In another study, children of equal intelligence were taught by the same teachers over a several year period. The performance of African American children with unusual names declined, while the others achieved. If teachers do not believe in the potential of students and give up on them, then their performances will decline. Such prejudices can have a drastic impact on the life and future of a child.

What then, do you think would happen if someone named their child "Lucifer" or "Damien"? What about "Chastity, Satana, or Madonna" for a girl? Unusual and difficult to spell names, specifically African names like Chiamaka, Narkeasha, Jevonte, or blended names like Kenesha, Marquesha, or Jamanda might all be names that would influence others in terms of their opinion of that child. Stereotypes are never good, but we know people tend to stereotype and unusual names could lend to that.

In one study, women with desirable names were considered more physically attractive. In another study, a group of teachers and teachers assistants were asked to grade a number of tests and essays. Unknown to the assessors, they were each marking the same essay under different names. The unconventional names scored much lower across the boards. There is evidence to suggest that children with "made up names" don't do as well at school and don't have as much success. If it is assumed (incorrectly, of course) that a child with an unusual or misspelled name comes from a family that is uneducated, that child may be discriminated against and it may be assumed that the intelligence of that child is lower than that of his or her peers.

When considering names, consider the consequences. You don't have to choose the most popular baby names, but check them out and make sure that they aren't so unusual or difficult to spell that a child will have to defend their name or spell it for everyone from teachers to team captains. The image a name brings forth is important for the success of that child.

Apply a few rules to naming a child; 1) Don't tell people about the name you are considering for your child. Everyone will have an opinion, 2) Choose a name for success, rather than a name for your own edification, 3) Have a few names you like, but wait until you meet the baby before you choose a name.

You can't personally educate everyone in the world about what your special name means. Choose something that automatically has good associations. This will benefit your child.