How Important is Culture in Trans-Racial Adoption?

These days, many children of color are adopted by Caucasian parents. The fact is, there just aren't enough black families out there to adopt the infants that are available for adoption -- a reversal of the situation for white infants. While every effort is made to place children in homes of the same race, sometimes that's just not possible. Rather than allowing these children to languish in foster care or encourage abortion among minorities, there are loving families who choose to adopt trans-racially. Regardless of parents, every child should have a healthy sense of identity -- of who they are, both as a person and as a part of a larger society. As parents, we can give them security, love, and a sense of who they are morally. If we are of a different race, giving them a sense of their racial identities, their culture, and their history is a bigger challenge.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.

In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.

It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.

As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.

What to Expect When Someone Else Is Expecting

Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.

As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?

First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.

That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.

So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.

Ethiopian Adoption Scam?

I read with interest today a story by CBS concerning a particular Ethiopian adoption in which three sisters were adopted by a family who were told they were 7, 6, and 4. They turned out to be 13, 11, and 6 and most of what they had been told was not consistent with the story the children gave them. CBS News reported that "Some American Agencies and their staff engage in highly questionable conduct". They were apparently referring to the agency cited in their story -- Christian World Adoption. I don't know anything about that particular agency, but ironically a friend of mine came home just this weekend with her Ethiopian children. She stated that the conditions they were living in were horrid and that there was mold on the walls and the orphanage was nothing more than a hut. The babies are small and under-nourished and in need of a great deal of TLC. They hadn't even been held and were in need of antibiotics and treatment for severe diaper rash.

The fact is, in third world countries where there is no Hague accreditation, there is no oversight of these orphanages or agencies there. It's true that there are American agencies who are not above board. The same can be said of anything or any profession. The bigger problem is what is going on behind the scenes in these foreign countries. Foreign facilitators are taking money from multiple U.S. agencies and are not putting it back into their facilities. They are essentially lining their pockets while the children are left to languish in conditions that you wouldn't allow your dog to live in. It's no wonder, then, that if they feel they can earn more for each placement, they may consider acquiring children in less than legitimate ways.

Some would say that no matter how the children are retrieved, they will have a much better life being adopted into foreign households where they will be treated well, fed, and clothed. But where do we draw the line? There have to be measures taken so that there is no incentive for these adoption brokers to do more and more in order to get rich, while the children suffer. I would love to go to Ethiopia and renovate an orphanage so that the children would have a clean, safe place to live while they await adoption. However, if those who run the orphanage are making thousands of dollars each week, then why aren't they improving the conditions themselves?

Hague compliant countries are on the right track, but what about the countries that are not Hague compliant? What are we going to do about that? It would be easy to say just stop all adoptions until they get everything in order, but the children would be the ones paying the price. This is a bigger problem than anyone can imagine without seeing it. I think this is one for Anderson Cooper.

The Tragedy of Child Trafficking

We've received dozens of calls concerning the situation in Haiti and the possibility that Haitian orphans might be available. While some of the people who already had adoptions in the works have been able to bring their children home, anyone who is now hoping to adopt a Haitian orphan will likely have to wait a long time and then go through the same long process as before. CNN reported this afternoon that in an interview, the President of Haiti stated that Haitian children were being trafficked for not only the purposes of adoption, but also for more sinister reasons such as child prostitution and organ harvesting. While this has yet to be proven, it's not hard to imagine that within such desperation and chaos, these things could happen. There are predators and opportunists everywhere.

What does this mean? It means that UNICEF and WHO, and the governmental agencies of Haiti, the U.S. and many other countries will need to take a long hard look at the process of moving children out of Haiti, even if it is into good homes here in the U.S. or in other countries. It will have to be ascertained beyond a doubt that the child(ren) in question are, indeed, orphans. While many children were orphaned by the quake, many more were simply separated from relatives. Perhaps some had parents who died and they were left to wander helplessly until they found someone who would watch over them. Some are living on the streets with other children. In many cases, the children are separated from one parent or other relatives who lived through the quake but were perhaps elsewhere. The process of determining who these children are and if they still have living relatives will be long and arduous. The paperwork will be endless and the time will march on while they are in orphanages or being cared for by others. There is no system in place.

These children, like all children, deserve a home to grow up in and the security of parents who love them. The reality is that, because of these new allegations and the very real possibility that there is at least some trafficking going on, children and families will have to wait to make adoption a reality for them. It's important for someone to oversee that the right children are leaving Haiti for better homes. Unfortunately, because there is no viable system in place, it will take way too much time. Some will die. Some will outgrow the adoption process. Others will be forever damaged by the carnage they've seen, the abuse they have endured, and the lack of food and necessities of life.

I have been encouraged by the outpouring of empathy and consideration for the Haitian people. Interestingly, before this, we received very few calls seeking to adopt children of color. Maybe the one blessing in this very sad and tragic situation in Haiti is that, seeing these children as the beautiful children they are, people who hadn't previously considered it will open their hearts to children of other races. Those children are right here in the U.S. There are plenty of African-American children who need homes and they don't need to be in the system.

I think it's honorable and necessary to help other nations, especially where children are concerned. But in this case, there are children at home that need our help as well. Anyone interested in adopting a child of color can do it sooner, with less cost, and less effort right here in America. You can make a difference in the life of a child without going very far.

China's Secret Adoption Trade

I am a proponent of adoption over abortion and, as you likely already know, I facilitate adoption on a daily basis. I receive a lot of calls about foreign adoption and while I have encouraged some to go that route, I have always felt that China was not the answer. China's one child policy has spawned moral and ethical dilemmas and the deaths of many Chinese girls. It is reported that within ten years, there will be such a shortage of Chinese women for the men to marry that they are already being encouraged to find foreign brides. In China, there is no social security. What that means is that in their old age, parents must be supported by their children. Traditionally the breadwinners were the boys and they also carried the family name. So with the policy being one child only, the preference was to have a boy, or suffer in your old age.

The government was known to crack down on people who had more than one child, particularly the farmers, who needed multiple children to help them with their farms. If someone disobeyed the law, they lost their jobs or their family members lost their jobs. In some cases, they were harassed and even had their homes destroyed. It was powerful motivation not to have girls. Because it is illegal in China to abandon a baby anywhere, families would leave them in quiet dark places like along farm roads or in dark alleys. Some were found. Many died.

In recent times, with ultrasounds available, sex selection is the norm. Girl babies are aborted. Before ultrasounds were available, a female child would simply be delivered and placed face down in a bucket of water to drown. The word "humanitarian" doesn't come to mind when I think of China. They kill their own.

Recently, a child trafficker who was released from prison gave his account of what goes on. Apparently orphanages in China pay hefty sums for baby girls because the foreign demand is so high. It's a for-profit venture selling Chinese baby girls. Ironically, with adoption there is more demand for girls at the rate of perhaps 8 out of 10 families who prefer a specific gender choosing females. That is a topic for another day. I encourage you to read this article yourself and come to your own conclusions:

http://www.wgntv.com/news/la-fg-china-adopt24-2010jan24,0,6173934.story?page=2&track=rss

China needs to clean up their act. However, until foreign countries stop adopting from China, there will be no incentive to do so. In the meantime, baby girls die and baby girls are kidnapped and sold to an orphanage and subsequently a family. Yes, they end up with a good life, but is it fair or moral to encourage the practice of taking them from families who love them and don't want to give them up? China may need a one child policy, but if they want to put those kinds of restrictions on families, they need to make a plan for the aged that doesn't involve having only boys. I could accept the one child rule for population control if everyone were to have whatever child God sent them -- boy or girl. Sterilization is a much more acceptable practice than abortion.

Americans have had the reputation of going anywhere on humanitarian missions to help out. We don't restrict our gifts to just our own country. We, and other nations, must put pressure on China to change their practices or we need to shut down all adoptions from China. We shouldn't adopt kidnapped babies and we shouldn't support abandonment of unwanted infants. If we continue to support the policies that cause harm to children, particularly girls, then we are as guilty as they are. China has no one to blame when they have no one for their sons to marry.

It's Happening in Haiti

What can I say about the situation in Haiti? It's mind-boggling and atrocious. Looking from the perspective of a helicopter over the scene, it is rubble -- each house and building pancaked like the next. It would be a huge challenge for a community in our country to overcome. How can the Haitians, who had nothing to begin with, recover from this? Listening to the news last night, I was struck by the fact that in Port au Prince, a city of two million, even before the quake there was not even one ambulance. Perhaps this quake was a wake up call to the rest of us that, even in modern times, people are living without the very basic necessities. We have to help. We are all really one nation - the nation of humanity. I am glad to see that the powers of the world are coming together to help this island nation, but saddened that it is taking too long. During the interim, people are dying. There are people still, almost a week later, trapped alive in some of those buildings. Some are uninjured in elevators or supermarket refrigerators or bank vaults -- the only fortified portions of the buildings that collapsed. I think it might be more horrifying to live for a week without someone coming to help you than it would be to die in the initial quake. It's happening.

This could happen here. I live in California, on the ring of fire. We have earthquakes often. They are small tremors and an occasional sizable shaker, but when the San Andreas fault ruptures, we will have widespread devastation. Perhaps it won't be like Haiti because our building codes are better, but when and 8.0 hits (100 times stronger than the 7.0 that hit Haiti), building codes aren't going to matter much. This could be us. Can you imagine having a baby in the circumstances that are now going on in Haiti? It's happening.

The orphanages in Haiti were understaffed and ill-equipped to begin with. Now, there are children living in the street, sleeping in the street, with nothing to eat or drink. There are no diapers. Can you imagine two young American girls in their early 20's managing an entire orphanage and trying to care for 50 children under these circumstances. It's happening.

I want to urge everyone who reads this to write and phone and e-mail your congresspeople, representatives, and senators. Donate money if you have it, but that's not enough. We need to get the orphans out of Haiti and to a place of shelter. Whether it is for permanent adoption or just for the time being so that they will be safe and won't have to look at the dead in the streets and the dogs who are eating the corpses because they aren't being fed either. At the moment, Haiti is Hades. It's Hell on earth. Awful things that most of us can not imagine are happening. Children should not have to endure such hell. There has been some assistance and a few of the children have been given permission to leave. All adoption paperwork has been lost, but there are families waiting to take those children and love them. What is more important -- paperwork or lives? Thousands of people are being placed in mass graves and no one will ever know who they are or where some disappeared to. That paperwork will never exist. So why not get the orphans out now, with or without paperwork? That's the humanitarian thing to do. Children are dying in Haiti. Some died during the earthquake, but many will die after it without the food, shelter, and medical care that is needed. It's happening.

Happy New Year

2010 - Who would have thought it would be here so fast? Weren't we just talking about Y2K and worrying about our computers crashing at the stroke of the new millenium? No one knows what to call 2010. Do we call it "Two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? My vote goes for twenty ten. If we call it two thousand ten, we doom ourselves to beginning each year of this new decade with "two thousand". And what happens when we get to the next century? It will get tedious to refer to the year as "two thousand one hundred thirty six". Better just to say 20-36, don't you think? So 20-10 (twenty-ten) it is. We refer to each decade as "the nineties", "the sixties", or "the new millineum". So where are we now? The teens? The tweens? It's all very confusing.

At any rate, I would like to wish everyone a very happy New Year. I'm looking forward to a fresh start and a change in the economy for 2010. I try not to make resolutions that I will most certainly break, like losing weight (yuck), but a friend of mine sent me a short video that made me want to make a resolution to just enjoy the journey.

http://www.dashpoemmovie.com/

I wish everyone their heart's desire. Mine is simply to live a better life, spend time with my family and fiance, and build other families through adoption.