Family Violence On The Rise

I am an avid reader of the newspaper and I admit to watching CNN and the news religiously. I guess I am a news junkie. I want to know everything that's going on and I want to know it now. There, I've said it. Since I have no wish to remedy my addiction, I subject myself to all the news -- good and bad. This can be a negative, since much of the news recently has been more negative than positive. It seems with money problems come psychological problems. With the economy tanking and jobs disappearing more and more people are turning violent or going on rampages. Just in this morning's paper -- one day -- there were multiple articles about familial violence. The report of a murder-suicide in California in which 6 family members were killed saddened me. Three small children were killed along with the adults in the family. One woman shot multiple times was able to escape and tell authorities what happened. The killer was a 40 year old man who shot his entire family before taking his own life. In another rampage, a man who was angry over his divorce went on a shooting spree in a North Carolina nursing home, killing residents and nurses. He was looking for his estranged wife who worked there. She managed to escape the planned attack. In Boston, a young man viciously took the life of his younger sisters, aged 17 and 5, with a kitchen knife. His 9 year old sister survived the attack with multiple stab wounds and has been hospitalized. In another case in Baltimore, a young woman admitted to starving her 1 year old to death because he refused to say "Amen" after his last meal. Amazingly, this was all on one page of the paper. I could go on.

It's quite disturbing to realize that families are destroying themselves. Violence seems to be the norm, rather than the exception to the rule. We all wonder, "What were they thinking?" or "What made them snap?", and then life goes on and we do nothing and the violence grows. People are obviously feeling helpless, alone, hopeless, and without faith. If you know anyone who is experiencing difficulties because of these tough economic times -- a job loss or a mortgage issue, let them know you care and that there is hope for recovery. During the Great Depression, stock brokers jumped from buildings in New York. Those were tough times too, but they didn't take their families with them. Now it seems that people are so alone that they don't want to die alone -- so they take their families with them. Everyone has a breaking point and it seems that many more people are reaching that point. Perhaps we need to pay better attention to who is suffering and try to lend a hand or an ear. A small effort to reach out is infinitely better than the regret that would come from thinking "What if..?". These families are our next door neighbors, our friends, and our co-workers. Our world has become a scary place when the safety and security of family is gone. I hope we can all make a difference, even for just one family.

Madonna and the Malawi Connection

Am I the only one who is tired of hearing about the Madonna saga? Celebrity adoptions are usually good news and help promote adoption in general and bring a spotlight to the issue that we can't do as mere mortals. However, when I read about people bypassing the rules and jumping to the front of the line simply because they can, it bothers me. News reports say that Madonna is adopting another young child from Malawi and that one parent is deceased and one parent is living. Then, why is that child in an orphanage and available for adoption? Relatives are crying foul because they fear that they may never get to see the little girl "Mercy" again. I wonder why, if they care about her welfare, they leave her alone in an orphanage instead of taking her home to be raised with family. I'm definitely on board with the adoption of children waiting for a home in orphanages overseas. However, Malawi doesn't allow foreign adoptions. Then, why is Madonna allowed to adopt there? Foreign governments in third world nations have always had a problem with adoption corruption. The new Hague Convention regulations are meant to eliminate the problems caused by the absence of laws and rules to oversee adoption and to bring all countries in line with a common standard of practice. Guatemala, for instance, has been plagued with adoption corruption including alleged kidnappings simply to facilitate adoptions to foreign couples. We're on the right track in making all countries comply with strict standards and practices. It will be interesting to see if Malawi and Madonna are made to comply.

Just Like Labor

Waiting adoptive families are understandably anxious about being selected and going home with their new baby. I wish I had the crystal ball that would tell us all when the wait would be over. That would be a huge relief for all of us. The fact is, being selected by a birth mother happens when the right match comes along. When that happens is pretty much up to fate. It's easy to get discouraged and one waiting adoptive mom said to me recently, "I don't feel comfortable selling myself". That's understandable and it is difficult if you look at it that way. After doing this for almost 15 years now, I look at it from a different perspective. I have seen, over the years, how babies and families who are supposed to be together find each other. It's less about "selling" yourself and more about being in the right place at the right time. Unfortunately, that sometimes involves waiting. If it were up to us, none of our families would wait and every birth mother would have the ideal match. In order for a good match to occur, however, much goes into making sure that everyone's wishes are considered. This tends to make for better matches. If we were to try to match adoptive families simply because they are "next" on the list, then we'd have mismatches and many more situations fail. The wait is one of patience (and sometimes impatience). If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are very virtuous!

The parents of baby Stella, who went home last month, had waited longer than most of our adoptive families wait. They were understandably anxious and felt dejected and rejected. Then came Stella. She's a beautiful healthy girl and it couldn't be a better match. Adoptive mom, Rachel, stated that their birth mother "is now family". They wrote a note saying "Stella couldn't be more beautiful. We are having so much fun with our daughter. I guess good things DO happen with some patience". For what it's worth, all that waiting time disappears in an instant once there is a baby. I look at the waiting as labor pains for adoptive parents. It seems forever, but when it's over you forget about it as you enjoy your new baby. Many even do it again! Just like labor.

The Hospital Experience

One of my readers asked me how to deal with the hospital in an adoption. That's a great question. For every hospital, there is a policy. Every policy is different. So, the key is to find out what that particular hospital's policy on adoption is. In a perfect world, with enough time, the attorney for the birth mother will notify the hospital in advance of the birth. The birth mothers wishes will be addressed (such as whether the baby will be brought to her or not), and the information about the adoptive family will also be included. Experiences at the hospital are as different as every baby, but there are things you can do to create an environment in which things go smoothly. First, once the attorney has made contact with the hospital and made them aware of the impending adoption, you can give the hospital a call. Ask for the social worker and introduce yourself. Let him or her know that you will be there soon for the birth of your baby. Ask about the hospital policy concerning adoptions. Typically a bracelet to access the nursery is given to one of the adoptive parents and the other is worn by the birth mother. Some hospitals are very adoption-friendly and will allow the adoptive parents a room to bond and, in some cases, will allow them to room in with the baby if birth mother is on board with that. In other cases, hospitals strictly prohibit anyone other than the biological parents from entering the nursery. If you know of this policy in advance, you can talk to a hospital administrator and see if they can bend or change the rules. If no one challenges it, the rule will never be changed.

You will find that nurses play a big part in the adoption plan. Most are supportive and will encourage bonding between you and the baby. In a small percentage of adoptions, nurses can be difficult and in a few cases, downright hostile. There are still some people who do not support or advocate adoption. You may, at times, encounter people like that. The best way to deal with them is to educate them. If you have a good relationship with your birth mother, she will be your advocate as well. She is, after all, the patient. The staff will listen to her desires and needs.

You can and should try to prepare for your time at the hospital. However, it's best to remember that not only can anything happen and plans can change -- they will. It's rare that everything goes according to plan, so plan for change. Take your sense of humor with you to the hospital and remember that to be parents, you'll need to learn to expect the unexpected and deal with it! This is good practice.

Some people freak out a little about the birth certificate. The birth mother will fill out the birth certificate herself. She may give the baby the name you have chosen and if she does, that is very sweet of her. If not, she may wish to give the baby a family name or something she has picked out. It's fine if she wants to do that. She should have a keepsake birth certificate that she can cherish. It's good to talk about that in advance and you may all decide on names that suit everyone and then it will stay the same. Otherwise, you will be allowed to change the name on the certificate at the time you finalize in court. Either way, you can call your baby anything you choose. Don't worry if the name you have chosen is not on the original birth certificate. It will be corrected at a later date.

Make sure you know the hospital policy, make a checklist of things you'll need to take with you in advance so that you don't need to think at all once you get that call, and be a good scout -- be prepared for anything. Your experience with the hospital and the birth of your child should be a happy one, so don't let the little things get to you. How long have you waited to be parents? Enjoy the moments as they come and let everything else go. Take lots of pictures too. We want to see them :).

The Economics of Abortion

The Associated Press today reported that pregnant women are seeking abortions in record numbers. There's no secret as to why this is occurring -- our economy is affecting everyone. Some women who even desired and planned a pregnancy have reconsidered due to their current financial issues. A record number of abortions were performed by Planned Parenthood of Illinois clinics in January. There is no way to get up to date statistics on abortions throughout the nation, but many private and government agencies are reporting a significant increase in the abortions requested. I learned something new by reading this article. There is actually an organization called the National Network of Abortion Funds, which helps pay for abortions for women who can't afford them. Then there is the National Abortion Federation. Why don't we have something similar for adoption? It's interesting that people will donate to take a life, but not to save one. I'm not faulting women for feeling as if they can't handle additional responsibilities, financial and otherwise. I'm simply saying that there is no excuse for the fact that life is not valued as much as "choice". Shouldn't it be supported at least as much as abortion, if not more so? There should be funds to support both adoption and single parenthood when finances are the only issue standing in the way of life or death for an unborn child. Prior to that, assistance obtaining birth control would eliminate part of the problem.

Additionally, the economy is affecting those who want to plan a family. Fear of losing jobs or not having enough money to make it through the recession is causing people not to plan to have a child that they would have chosen to have. Those who have made the choice of life for their child may not have insurance to cover maternity benefits. There is so much money being spent on the abortion industry. What if all that money went to help women complete their pregnancies and get through the tough times or place their child for adoption should they have that desire? I'm praying for all of the lives lost. Who would they have been?

Missing Pieces

The beauty of adoption today is that there are no secrets. Adoption is done openly and the birth mother knows her baby is going to a loving family and is able to get an occasional picture and update to give her peace of mind. The adopted child knows where they came from and has pictures and information about their family medical history. No search is necessary because there are no missing pieces. In years past, this was generally not the case. Birth mothers were spirited off to the homes of relatives or into maternity homes to have their babies in private and there was no information exchanged, leaving everyone to wonder about the missing pieces of their lives.

When I was hiring an administrative assistant a year and a half ago, one candidate not only possessed the talents and skills I needed, but she had an added advantage. She was adopted. So, Holly became a part of my staff. Not long after she began working for A Labor of Love Adoptions, Holly was answering phones and explaining to people who called how to search for birth parents or children placed for adoption years earlier. We get a number of those types of calls each week, and Holly became well-versed in how to instruct people on ways to search. After doing this for a while, Holly thought, "Why don't I try this myself?". She went on Adoption.com and posted a notice about herself. Then, a few days later, she did a Google search on the name of her doctor who, she knew from her parents, had facilitated the adoption. While she didn't find the doctor, who had retired, she did get connected (via the doctor's name) to a posting made by someone she suspected may be her birth mother. Armed with her name, she went back to Adoption.com and put that in and found a way to connect with the woman who had made the posting. One e-mail later, she had found her birth mother.

In subsequent e-mail and phone conversations, she learned more about the situation surrounding her birth and was given the name of her birth father. Holly went to the internet white pages and found him right away, in a town not far from that of her birth. She was pretty certain this was her birth father, but wanted to confirm that it was not someone with the same name, so she sent a letter. He soon wrote her back, a little apprehensive and unsure about the situation, but acknowledged that he could be her birth father. As was the case in many adoptions of that time, he had not been given any information at the time of the birth. He didn't know Holly's birthday or even that she was a girl. He had simply been told that the child was placed for adoption. He was understandably skeptical, but over time has come full circle and has accepted that he is Holly's biological father.

Holly has now found her birth mother, a sister she never had (she was an only child), and her birth father, who has not, as far as she knows, had any other children after fathering her. Next month, Holly will meet her birth mother, grandmother, and niece for the first time. Her mom will go with her for the meeting. There is also a plan to meet her birth father in September. Holly's mom is supportive and is excited about going with her for that meeting as well. This is a story that began 35 years ago. That's a long time to wonder about your history, your life, and where you came from. Her Mom and Dad (now deceased) will always be her mom and dad and no one can or will replace them. But it's nice to find the missing pieces in the puzzle of her life.

Bringing Home Baby

I don't watch much television due to my fairly busy schedule, but this morning while getting ready for work I caught a show called "Bringing Home Baby" on TLC. I have to admit that having worked in Labor and Delivery for 7 years, I am still addicted to watching babies being born. I have yet to remain dry-eyed while observing or participating in the delivery of a baby. It's very moving to be there at the beginning of a life. It's definitely a privilege. When adoptive families are fortunate enough to be asked by a birth mother to be present at delivery, they should accept without reservation. While it may seem a little strange or feel somewhat foreign to be present while someone you don't know well is laboring and delivering -- a very intimate and private thing -- it is an experience that will bond you all, and will forever be a special memory you can share with your child. It becomes not about the privacy issue at all. It becomes a moment when you will all bear witness to the birth of a life and it's the gift of a lifetime.

Advertising, Business, and the Advertising Business

Even though I do adoptions, my job is more of a glorified advertising representative, as I spend a lot of my time sorting through tear pages and placing ads. While we do mostly yellow page advertising, I'm always on the lookout for additional ways to connect birth moms to adoptive families and to promote what we do. I recently stumbled upon a new concept that I think may take off in the world of advertising and I believe in it enough to put some of our own advertising dollars into it and I am actively promoting it as a solid business concept. While I don't advocate placing adoptive parent or birth mom information out there on the internet for all to see, I do think the internet is a powerful advertising tool. I just hadn't seen a way that it might work for us. Local Ad Link is a company founded by Bob McNulty, who is commonly associated with e-commerce. He has been successful in implementing several innovative business concepts, such as Home Depot, and Local Ad Link is another one. It goes public in April and my guess is that it will take off. The reason I am talking about it is because it is a new and exciting business opportunity for not only people who are currently out of work, but also those new moms who want to stop working outside of the home so that they can stay at home with their new babies, and yet still earn an income. The current job market being what it is makes it even more intriguing. The goal of Local Ad Link was to have 4,000 representatives when they go public in April. They already have 30,000 as people recognize what a ground floor opportunity it may be. While I have been rather outspoken on the topic of multi-level marketing, this is a company that I could see working. There is no guarantee, but everyone who is in business needs advertising, and they have made it affordable and localized. If you're interested in learning more about Local Ad Link, check out the video on the following site; http://www.localads2go.com. It may be a good opportunity. Contact me if you'd like to talk more about it.

A Hidden Danger - Button Batteries

Growing up in our generation, batteries were too large for a child to swallow. Now, we have "button batteries" in watches, TV, VCR, and stereo remote controls, various other household gadgets, and even children's toys. Who knew a remote controlled car or a talking doll could be deadly? Who doesn't have a remote control for the television within reach of a child? Button batteries are not toys. When a small child ingests one, it gets lodged in their esophagus and can be a silent killer. If a child is not old enough to tell you what has happened or doesn't want to mention that they swallowed something, or even doesn't know it was wrong, you may not know until it's too late. In as little as three hours, a battery can begin to corrode in water. The body's fluids and digestive acids can hasten this process. When the battery begins to corrode, it can eat through the esophagus or the lining of the stomach in a very short time. By the time a child is uncomfortable, damage is being done. By the time you get the child to the doctor or an emergency room and x-rays discover the foreign object, the child's life could be in imminent danger or the esophagus permanently damaged, leaving the child to contend with the inability to eat or swallow for a lifetime.

The only way to protect a child against this problem is to make sure that any device in your home which has one of these batteries is either locked away safely or requires a tool to get into the device to change the battery. In some cases -- watches for instance -- the battery can simply be popped off the back. With toys, make sure that the hinged door that houses the battery is actually screwed on, rather than just being a latch.

I think we're going to hear more and more about the dangers of these batteries, but not before many children die or are permanently injured as a result. Please make it a point to share with your friends and relatives that this is a hidden danger and needs to be monitored strictly. If your child is in day care or pre-school, be sure to alert your caregivers. A tiny battery can be swallowed in an instant and if you were simply looking away, you wouldn't have a clue. The problem is that, in this type of situation, there is no margin for error.

Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Last year, early in the morning on March 17, my phone rang. I was awakened at 5:30 a.m. by a familiar voice -- one I hadn't heard in a while, but recognized immediately. It's not unusual in my world to get early morning calls, and I have no problem waking up to hear the news of a baby being born. That kind of news never gets old. Rosa was on the phone. Even though she had stopped by the office a few months before, she had not told us she was pregnant. Actually, it was the second time she had called me from the local hospital after giving birth. She knew we were there, and even though she knew the process, waited until the baby was actually born before she called. I'm not sure why she waited, since she already knew us from the previous placement, but some birth moms just don't really want to think about it until it can no longer be put off. So, with the news that she had just given birth to a baby girl, Rosa asked if we could help her find a good family once again. Normally when a full or half sibling is being placed for adoption, we try to check with the family who has the first one, in case the siblings can be together, but in this case since there was no warning, there was no current home study in place, so we began the search for the right family. We didn't have to look far.

Kristin and Keith had experienced a terrible disappointment prior to beginning their adoption process with us. Rosa immediately liked them and wanted to help heal their hearts. They left West Virginia with hope in their hearts and more than a little trepidation. Rosa was so grateful to meet and see them bonding with the baby. It was a lovely match. Soon they got past their fears of another failure and baby Kylie quickly became the center of her parents universe! I have to laugh when I think back on it. Keith actually jumped up to change the first dirty diaper! I imagine that the novelty of that has worn off by now. It was great to have one of our families out here in California and I was able to spend some time with them and enjoyed seeing them happily learning about their first born. Kristin brought tears to my eyes as she said to Keith, who was holding baby Kylie, "Honey, we never could have done anything so perfect." At that moment, a mother was born. I knew that Kristin was as much Kylie's "real" mother as Rosa. I know Rosa knew that too, as she thanked Keith and Kristin for giving Kylie a good life and being her parents.

As it happened, I was headed out to Pittsburgh the following week and they got clearance from ICPC to go home just in the nick of time to fly with me. It was great to hear the flight attendants fussing over baby Kylie. In the airport, a woman came up and looked at Kristin and Keith (who are very light complected Caucasian people) and said to Kristin, "Oh, you look great for just having given birth!". Kristin had us all laughing with her response. She said, "Hellllllo! This baby is Hispanic, so I can't take credit for giving birth, but isn't she beautiful!?". And she is. A little Hispanic leprechan born on St. Patty's Day. Kylie not only got two great parents, she will have an extra "aunt and uncle" and will get to grow up knowing her full sibling, who lives not far away.

So, Kylie's birthday will always be linked with that date for me. Happy first birthday, Kylie! May the road rise up to meet you! Happy St. Patrick's Day!

Life Goes On

What a week! We've spent the past week moving into our new office. What I thought would be a four day weekend project turned into a much longer process. We're in the new building, but building walls, adding carpet, and doing finish work took longer than expected and we were finally able to move our furniture into place. Now comes the real work of unpacking all of the boxes and finding places for everything and putting everything in it's place! Holly and I are exhausted and it'll be another few days before we can give updates and have our ducks in a row, but we're getting there.

In the meantime, life goes on! While we were busy moving, two of our families were traveling to get their new additions. David and Karin came all the way from Belgium to be present at the birth of their new daughter, Sarah Grace, in their home state of Wyoming. It won't be hard for me to remember Sarah's birthday, as she shares her birthday with me! Sarah joins big sister Elizabeth, who seems quite happy to have a little sister to play with.

Matthew Malakai was born in Massachusetts and is almost ready to go home with new parents, Eliot and Gina, of California. As first time parents, they are more than a little excited. Deb Peckham, our MA social worker, has been invaluable in working with their birth mom to assist and make the adoption go smoothly. Our families are fortunate when they get to work with Deb. I'm looking forward to getting to see little Matthew when they get back to California!

We don't often get to see our babies after they go home due to geographical logistics, so photos are very important. We love it when we get photos of new babies (and updated photos of our kids). I'll share the photos of these recent babies and others in the next newsletter, so keep them coming!