Waiting to Adopt

Waiting to adopt is always the hardest part of the process. It's nearly the end of a very long and arduous journey. First, there are attempts to become pregnant. When that isn't successful, there are doctor visits, treatments, sometimes surgeries, injections, calendars and charts, sperm counts and ovarian scans, in vitro and GIFT and a whole host of procedures. That can go on for months and sometimes years. When all that fails, there is a grief process. You grieve over the loss of a baby that never was or you grieve over the loss of a baby who wasn't able to be born. You grieve your future and you curse your past. When the grief cycle is complete, you come out of it with a new understanding. You realize that it's more important for you to be a parent than the method in which it happens. When you come to that point, the journey of adoption begins.

You fill out paperwork for a home study, jump through all the hoops, get the needed letters of reference, meet with the social worker and bare your souls. You wonder why you have to "prove" you'll be a good parent and "qualify" for parenthood, when others don't have to simply because they can procreate. You begin to navigate the seemingly endless options and compare apples to oranges and wonder why it's so complex. You make decisions about what route to take, what road to choose. You hope it's the right one. You are anxious, nervous about the future, scared to proceed, but terrified not to.

Once you choose the agency/attorney/facilitator who will help you find that missing piece in your family puzzle, you put together a profile (no small task) and you submit yet more paperwork. And then you wait. And wait. A day seems like an eternity...and a month is more than you can bear. And then someone invites you to a baby shower and you lose it. Or a relative announces with glee that there's a baby on the way and they have no idea that it kills you inside each time it's happening for someone else. You think it will never happen for you. But, if you persevere, it will happen. The waiting, no matter how short or long it takes, is too long. You wanted a baby before you began the process. There is no real time frame. Sure, you can get averages and estimates...but it's all up to one birth mother who will eventually choose you...and who knows where she is or when she'll get here! So you wait.

Waiting does different things to different people. It's a difficult time and some handle it with quiet grace suffering silently and others are outwardly vocal and get upset easily. Sometimes it's easy to blame someone -- anyone -- for the baby who hasn't come yet. Sometimes it causes friction with your spouse (How could he possibly understand? He's a man!). It's all normal, but never easy to endure. These are your labor pains. This is what it takes to get to your goal. It will all be worth it in the end, I assure you. Even if you have a failure before you have a success, it will be worth it. The baby who was meant to be in your arms from the beginning of time will find you. Then, you will understand what the wait was all about. He or she wasn't here yet! And that one baby is the perfect one for you. I've heard it dozens of times. Perhaps this is the way we come to appreciate our children (and in about 13 years you may not be so appreciative!).

At any rate, look at the wait as time to get ready (as if anything can really prepare you for the real thing!). Read child care books. Take infant CPR classes. Get sleep and take bubble baths. Do some nesting and clean out all of your closets and donate needless items to make room for everything that comes with a baby. Keep yourself busy. Network with other adoptive parents who will empathize and share your journey. It's always easier to walk with a friend. The time will pass more quickly that way and one day you'll get that all important call. Then, your days (and nights) of sleep are over and you'll look back and wonder what you did with all of that free time. Once your world changes with the addition of a baby, you will hardly remember your past life. Adoptive parents are some of the best parents I know. This is because they appreciate what they've been through to achieve this goal of parenthood -- and they wouldn't trade the ride for anything. One of my adoptive parents (you know who you are, Annie) said "I give thanks to God every day for my infertility. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have THESE boys, who are my heart and soul". Amen.