Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.
As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?
First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.
That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.
So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.
4 comments:
When I read this post, I cried. You hit home on sooooo many emotions and feelings that go along with the wait. We have waited a very long 2 1/2 years to bring our baby home. And some days we too feel like throwing in the towel. I've found that after such a long wait I don't even jump anymore when the phone rings. In a way, you almost have to numb yourself to excitement. Don't get me wrong, there's not a minute in the day that I don't wish, hope, and pray that call comes in, but the only way to survive the pain of the wait is to go on living. I still find myself not being able to even look at babies without that yearning. And I know one day our arms will be filled with our little bundle of love. You couldn't have said it better Tina. I hope and pray for all those waiting that our time comes soon. Keep searching for our little miracle.
Tammie: You've had a lot of emotional things happen over the past year or two and sometimes I think God gives you a break and lets you deal with one thing at a time to heal. We don't always view waiting as a blessing, but sometimes it can be. As you know, being gender-specific makes it harder to find that perfect little puzzle piece that will fit into your family -- but she is out there and if you hadn't waited, you would not be in the right place at the right time for her to find you.
Tammie~ Your post really hits the nail on the head for me where I am at as well. We ahven't waited as long, but that numbness has set in and although the wishing, waiting and hoping...the prayer the yearning and longing are still there, is tempered now by that numbing of the excitement. I pray your baby joins you soon as I pray the same for us!
Thank you very much for this post! Waiting is never an easy thing to do, but the blessing that comes from the wait leaves you speechless. To all the families that continue to wait (us included)...your baby is out there and there will be a day when the time you waited is hard for you to remember. I know that may be hard to believe, but it is very true. God will deliver His child He has planned for you and when it happens you will tell yourself that you would have waited double, triple, or more time to get to hold your baby. I know how difficult it is as we have adopted once, but it will all make sense when you see your child. I hope this is an encouragement to some families who think the wait will never end.
I believe, too, that God does not give you a desire He will not fulfill. As we wait a second time, the wait seems to be somewhat easier, but the desire to grow our family is as strong as it was before our daughter was born. I know that desire will be fulfilled.
I am VERY respectful to all families who desire either a girl or boy and am sure there are reasons for that decision that I am completely unaware of. If this hinders your wait time so much though, I really don't think the sex of the baby will matter when your baby is born. We had checked so many things we would accept and not accept with our first adoption and when our daughter was born all those things flew out the window. You truly don't think about it when you are holding your baby. This is just my opinion, though and I respect everyone's own personal desires.
Thanks, Tina, for this post of encouragement and for the kindness you and your staff extend to your hopeful families.
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