What to Expect When Someone Else Is Expecting

Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.

As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?

First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.

That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.

So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.

For the past ten years or so, my nomination for Mother of the Year has always been the same. Katie is the adoption world's answer to The Duggers (18 kids and counting)! Her mission in life has been to provide a home to children in crisis or kids who didn't have another hope for being adopted into a family. She has adopted several older sibling groups of three or four kids at a time. We all know how much fun teens and pre-teens are to parent! She took on that task times six when she began her adoption journey with two sibling groups who were just about to enter their teens. Being a first time mom to a half dozen kids in transition while still trying to get to know and love them is not for the faint of heart. Katie took it all in stride and with a sense of humor.

Later on, she adopted a set of triplets and their sister, again pre-teens. I'm sure plenty of people have used the word "crazy" to describe this woman of faith and courage! She is crazy. She's crazy for kids and for the work God has given her. She has had her share of heartbreak, including a few adoption failures. She had a baby girl for four months who had to be returned to the birth mother. In her heart, she's still the Mom of that baby. She had a young sibling group of three fall through later on. She waited a very long time before being able to rescue three of her boys from foster care. She was able to adopt one premature newborn who was so fragile, people were scared to pick him up or care for him. This is Katie's life. How she does it is a mystery to this mom of three. I can't imagine how she gets everyone in line and where they are supposed to be on time and without pulling her hair out. Each child has his or her own interests and talents and those are nurtured. There is a system for everything (I won't even talk about laundry for that many people!).

Katie has been through unbelievable trials and tribulations. With older kids coming out of foster care, she has dealt with abuse and neglect of every kind imaginable. She has taken these kids with broken lives and given them a sense of security, a place to call home, an education, and more than anything else, love. Her husband, Dale, is no slouch either! Dale has to be a saint. If not, he will be! He is kind and patient and supportive and knows that when God talks, Katie listens and he's there to help.

Tomorrow, Katie and Dale will be headed out to South Carolina for a very special birth. They will be adopting their 15th child (the older ones are out of the house!). October 29 will be baby Mia's birthday. I was speaking with Katie today and she talked about the excitement of having a newborn baby after missing out on the baby and toddler stages with her older kids. She can't wait. She cried when she told me how God put this child in her heart and that, despite having many children, she is not done and she knows she needs to be the mother of this little one. Katie has always told me that she wants the children that need her most. It doesn't matter about past history, age, or race. She just wants to be there for the ones who need her. She went on to say that her birth mother has nothing and she wants to help, but can't due to restrictions in PA about support or gifts of any kind to the birth mother. It breaks her heart to know that her birth mother is living in a house with no heat and no furniture.

I have yet to figure out how from 3,000 miles away, but I want to do two things. I want to give Katie the first baby shower she has ever had. I also want to find a way to provide some assistance and gift cards for her birth mother, who has two children, ages 3 and 14 months. She's just trying to find a way to take care of her kids and provide for them at Christmas, and she hasn't asked for a thing. When Katie offered to bring a used toddler bed for her, she profusely thanked her four times saying, "It's a blessing. I don't have anything." If anyone wants to help, please let me know. If you have any ideas, send them my way. If anyone deserves a baby shower and anything we can do for her, it's Katie. I feel privileged to know her and call her friend. She is quite an inspiration.