What to Expect When Someone Else Is Expecting

Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.

As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?

First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.

That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.

So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.

Holly's Reunion

Last Tuesday, my administrative assistant, Holly, was able to meet her own birth mom. At a quiet restaurant, Holly, Jimmie, her fiance, both of her children, and her Mom, Janice, went to meet Pam (birth mom), Margaret (birth grandmother), and Paige (birth niece). Four generations of her birth family were present at the very first meeting! Holly stated that with the intros, there were "hugs all around" and it was soon very comfortable, "like seeing family you haven't seen in a very long time".

Holly was able to visit with them over dinner and then breakfast the next morning, where they all viewed old pictures of Holly in the hospital when she was born. They talked about when Janice was able to pick her up at the hospital, and Pam talked about how, after she had made the decision that an adoption would take place, the hospital didn't allow her to see or hold her baby, a very different scenario from what happens today. On Thursday, a trip to Disneyland was on tap and, while perhaps overcrowded due to the spring break holiday, it gave everyone a chance to do a lot of talking and reminiscing while standing in those long lines. After a few days of getting to know one another, Holly noticed a similarity. "I know now where I get my soda addiction!", she commented.

While talking at length, they discovered that both Holly's family and Pam's family had moved from Iowa to other states at the same time. Janice frequented the same grocery store when Holly was little as her biological mom, Pam, did. Several family members crossed paths multiple times. Pam continued going to the same doctor who delivered Holly (and who had connected her with her adoptive parents) and eventually delivered another daughter, Summer. When she would go to the doctor, he would tell her that Holly was "well and doing fine". Unbeknownst to Pam, Holly's family spent time with the doctor's family on a regular basis.

There is a lot more to talk about and they are both thinking up new questions, but the plan is to see each other again before too much time passes. Holly will meet her birth father, Dan, in September, and the circle will be complete.

These days, we don't make people work so hard to connect with adoptees or birth families. Our adoptions are open and everyone has the needed information. For anyone searching to find birth parents, birth children, or birth siblings from an adoption in years past, there are resources. The internet has helped searches take on a life of their own. If you need ideas or help starting a search, give us a call and we can get you started.