My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.
There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.
While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.
So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.
2 comments:
I want to apologize if my remarks generated e-mail to you or if anyone was offended by my previous remarks. I do believe you should have the choice of gender if that is important to you. I am saying that the things we think are so important now we quickly forget about when our baby is born. For example (during our first adoption)there were certain drugs my husband and I would not accept. I can remember sitting at the table agonizing what to accept and not to accept. When our daughter was born (and delivered to us very unexpectedly), we didn't even think to ask about any drug history. We were so blessed and elated to hold our little bundle. Thankfully, all was healthy!
I so sympathize with all families who are waiting. We waited over 2 years, struggling with infertility and then waiting to be chosen...and now we are waiting again. I was trying to offer insight that the things we think are so important now may not be that important when we are matched.
I truly do hope and pray that all families get the desires of their heart.
I think that all around adoption -- or more specifically a woman's desire to be a mother -- is the strongest instinct on the planet and that makes it an emotional tightrope to walk. It's such an integral part of who we are as women and who we want to be (mothers). Having children is just a life progression. We see our children as our future and we feel like the absence of children is a threat to our future. Anything impeding our progress in achieving that goal is a force to be reckoned with. So it's no wonder that waiting takes it's toll. I do understand that. The silver lining to that cloud is that once that baby is in your arms, all of that melts away and all the bumps in the road become a distant memory.
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