Over the 15 years I have been doing adoptions, private independent adoption has changed a great deal. Part of that may just be evolution, but the economy has played a huge part in changing the scope of domestic adoption. Many of us involved in adoptions believed that with a poor economy, we would have more adoptions. Birth mothers who were having trouble with finances would have to face some tough decisions with the economy getting worse and worse. On the contrary, what actually happened was that the birth rate went down and the abortion rate went up. While current statistics are showing an increase in teen pregnancy, not many teens actually place their babies for adoption. If they are not prepared to parent, their parents are typically young enough to help. Those who would be birth parents in a better economic time are simply opting not to get pregnant or to abort if they do. I think that someone who may have considered parenting and then realized that financially they couldn't do it, are not getting that far now. They know right up front that they can't do it financially (who can?), so they are more careful not to have an accidental pregnancy or they opt for the alternative. The actual birth rate today is at the lowest it has been since the great depression.
What does this mean? It means that independent private adoptions are slow everywhere. I just finished reading an article which detailed the closure of an adoption agency in England that had been in operation for 45 years. They just don't have the adoption rates that they used to have and they can't pay their bills or afford to stay in business. That has happened here too. Last year, some major adoption agencies closed their doors. One of them, Commonwealth Adoptions, had offices in multiple states and was a longstanding agency.
How has this impacted waiting families? Families are understandably distressed with the longer wait. Some are looking to multiple avenues, but are still hitting dead ends. All of our families will eventually adopt, but the waits are longer than they were in years past. That said, for every action there is an opposite -- a reaction. At some point, the economy will turn around, things will get back to normal and, if history is any indicator, we'll have a baby boom. (We're all waiting for that!)
One of the outcomes of this new economic situation is that women who never thought that they would place their children are facing such difficult financial times, they are placing older children. We have had a number of such placements over the past year and we are currently working on placing 3 year old twins. For those families waiting to adopt, some have opted to consider children older than newborn. There are many things to consider with older children that do not come into play with infants. More on older child adoption tomorrow...
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Thursday, February 18, 2010
The Gender Selection Debate
My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.
There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.
While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.
So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.
There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.
While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.
So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
How Important is Culture in Trans-Racial Adoption?
These days, many children of color are adopted by Caucasian parents. The fact is, there just aren't enough black families out there to adopt the infants that are available for adoption -- a reversal of the situation for white infants. While every effort is made to place children in homes of the same race, sometimes that's just not possible. Rather than allowing these children to languish in foster care or encourage abortion among minorities, there are loving families who choose to adopt trans-racially. Regardless of parents, every child should have a healthy sense of identity -- of who they are, both as a person and as a part of a larger society. As parents, we can give them security, love, and a sense of who they are morally. If we are of a different race, giving them a sense of their racial identities, their culture, and their history is a bigger challenge.
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.
In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.
It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.
As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.
A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.
In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.
It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.
As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
What to Expect When Someone Else Is Expecting
Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.
As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?
First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.
That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.
So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.
As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?
First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.
That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.
So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Ethiopian Adoption Scam?
I read with interest today a story by CBS concerning a particular Ethiopian adoption in which three sisters were adopted by a family who were told they were 7, 6, and 4. They turned out to be 13, 11, and 6 and most of what they had been told was not consistent with the story the children gave them. CBS News reported that "Some American Agencies and their staff engage in highly questionable conduct". They were apparently referring to the agency cited in their story -- Christian World Adoption. I don't know anything about that particular agency, but ironically a friend of mine came home just this weekend with her Ethiopian children. She stated that the conditions they were living in were horrid and that there was mold on the walls and the orphanage was nothing more than a hut. The babies are small and under-nourished and in need of a great deal of TLC. They hadn't even been held and were in need of antibiotics and treatment for severe diaper rash.
The fact is, in third world countries where there is no Hague accreditation, there is no oversight of these orphanages or agencies there. It's true that there are American agencies who are not above board. The same can be said of anything or any profession. The bigger problem is what is going on behind the scenes in these foreign countries. Foreign facilitators are taking money from multiple U.S. agencies and are not putting it back into their facilities. They are essentially lining their pockets while the children are left to languish in conditions that you wouldn't allow your dog to live in. It's no wonder, then, that if they feel they can earn more for each placement, they may consider acquiring children in less than legitimate ways.
Some would say that no matter how the children are retrieved, they will have a much better life being adopted into foreign households where they will be treated well, fed, and clothed. But where do we draw the line? There have to be measures taken so that there is no incentive for these adoption brokers to do more and more in order to get rich, while the children suffer. I would love to go to Ethiopia and renovate an orphanage so that the children would have a clean, safe place to live while they await adoption. However, if those who run the orphanage are making thousands of dollars each week, then why aren't they improving the conditions themselves?
Hague compliant countries are on the right track, but what about the countries that are not Hague compliant? What are we going to do about that? It would be easy to say just stop all adoptions until they get everything in order, but the children would be the ones paying the price. This is a bigger problem than anyone can imagine without seeing it. I think this is one for Anderson Cooper.
The fact is, in third world countries where there is no Hague accreditation, there is no oversight of these orphanages or agencies there. It's true that there are American agencies who are not above board. The same can be said of anything or any profession. The bigger problem is what is going on behind the scenes in these foreign countries. Foreign facilitators are taking money from multiple U.S. agencies and are not putting it back into their facilities. They are essentially lining their pockets while the children are left to languish in conditions that you wouldn't allow your dog to live in. It's no wonder, then, that if they feel they can earn more for each placement, they may consider acquiring children in less than legitimate ways.
Some would say that no matter how the children are retrieved, they will have a much better life being adopted into foreign households where they will be treated well, fed, and clothed. But where do we draw the line? There have to be measures taken so that there is no incentive for these adoption brokers to do more and more in order to get rich, while the children suffer. I would love to go to Ethiopia and renovate an orphanage so that the children would have a clean, safe place to live while they await adoption. However, if those who run the orphanage are making thousands of dollars each week, then why aren't they improving the conditions themselves?
Hague compliant countries are on the right track, but what about the countries that are not Hague compliant? What are we going to do about that? It would be easy to say just stop all adoptions until they get everything in order, but the children would be the ones paying the price. This is a bigger problem than anyone can imagine without seeing it. I think this is one for Anderson Cooper.
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