Always the Bridesmaid

You've heard the term, "Always the bridesmaid -- never the bride"? When adoptive families are presented to a birth mother for consideration, she tends to have an idea about what type of family she prefers. She may be looking for a family with children ("I want siblings for my child"), or she may ask for someone with no children ("I want my child to be special" or "I want him to get all of the attention"). She may prefer a specific religion, but be open to others. She may want someone close ("so we can meet before the birth") or someone far away ("I don't want to risk seeing the family out in public because it would be too emotional for me"). There may be considerations about race or other issues. We may have to consider gender. When a birth mother's preferences are known, we attempt to send her the profiles we have that most closely meet her criteria. For instance, if she has 5 preferences, then those things would be considered first. Let's say that we have only 4 families that meet all of the requested criteria. Then we will look at those who meet perhaps four of the criteria and send those as well. Perhaps there are five more families who fall into that category. They all meet different specifications, but have one or two variations, so they are all different. We will send her the 9 profiles and she may choose one that meets all of her requests. On the other hand, she may see one that comes close and find that she prefers them.

When a birth mom looks at profiles, she may instantly see who she would like as the adoptive parents. More often, she likes two or three different profiles and wants to investigate further, perhaps talking to the families, or starting with the first family, until she decides she's happy with her choice. We ask her to put her choices in numerical order and we have the first family speak to her. After that, she can decide to go on talking to families, or she may choose to stick with her first choice. That is a reasonable way to handle it, as she may not be comfortable talking with multiple families (she doesn't want to disappoint anyone) and she really just wants confirmation that her first choice is going to work for her.

When 6 to 10 profiles are sent to a birth mother, we don't know who she'll choose. We do know one thing. The ones who don't get chosen are going to feel rejected or second best. It's important to know that you're not being rejected when that happens. Most often, I hear from birth mothers, "They all look like great families and it's really hard to choose -- I like them all". However, it's only one baby, so she does have to choose one over the others. When a family is choice #2, it's very difficult for them. As an adoptive family, you have to realize that if you are being considered as number 2, that means your profile is good and you are presenting well and that it's only a matter of time before you are chosen.

We spend much of our time talking with adoptive families. It's hard to reassure a family who has been waiting and keeps getting chosen second. They feel like it's never going to happen. It will. When the right situation comes along, it will all click. If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are not very virtuous! However, we do understand that the wait can be stressful and none of us want the wait to last longer than it has to.

One of the things that helps us the most is our adoptive families being understanding about the fact that we can't call each family once a birth mom makes a decision. Of course, if you can't sleep or are consumed with what happened, you can always call us for resolution. We will certainly call if the birth mother is interested in speaking to you or considers you one of her top choices. If we call each family to tell them what happened with each birth mother, we would spend our days on the phone just disseminating that information. When we speak with adoptive families about specific situations, the conversation generally lasts at least 10-15 minutes and possibly much longer. We do call and keep everyone informed of what is actually happening when you are involved or chosen. If you are not, it's not time well spent and it takes away from our birth mother outreach time.

As far as the whys, there can be many answers, none of which will change the outcome. Birth mothers choose a family for a lot of reasons, but there is one common denominator. They find a connection. That connection can be that the two families look similar, you share an interest (nascar, football, or dancing), or that you are in a career that she eventually wants to go into (something in common she can talk with you about). The thing to remember is that if she chooses a family other than yours, she has a connection with them. That connection will enable her to feel better about the match, which is one reason that we don't have a lot of failures. If someone is just matched based on the time they have waited or that they are "next up", then the birth parent isn't as likely to find that connection and would be more susceptible to changing her mind because she may not be confident in the family chosen. It's a complex set of circumstances that lead to a successful match. If she didn't choose you, it's better that she didn't, because there is another birth mother out there somewhere with whom you'll have that connection and that will be the glue that holds you all together. She won't want to consider anyone else, because she feels you are her best choice. That's when you start to understand the whys.

Don't despair if you are feeling like you're "always the bridesmaid and never the bride". Your time will come. I do understand. Just ask my fiance, Joseph. We've been together for ten years now. When the time is right, it will happen.