Today is Father's Day. My own father passed away 23 years ago, but he was a great Dad and I hope he is having a blessed Father's Day in Heaven. I was thinking about Father's Day and adoptive dads and someone special came to mind. His name is Gary. He and his wife adopted two children a few years back. Of course they were thrilled to adopt and Gary bonded very quickly to the kids. All that was good.
We all know that life happens. Circumstances change and our lives change in ways that are sometimes beyond our control. In Gary's case, he never thought he'd be a single parent, but he is. Divorce can happen to adoptive parents too. I think sometimes the stress of infertility and the procedures that come with it can really take it's toll on families. That stress can blindside even those who think they have it under control. Gary works by day and takes care of his children each morning and evening. He brushes hair, teaches manners, helps with dressing, does bath time, dinner, and reads stories. He instills values and takes them to church. He does everything two parents do. Single Moms know this drill well, but not too many Dads take on the task of raising children alone. When they do it voluntarily, it's special and (I think)worthy of recognition. I don't believe I am at all sexist, but I think it's different and perhaps more of a challenge for men to be single parents than it is for women. As women, we are natural multi-taskers. We cook dinner and do laundry at the same time, while juggling a baby on one hip and helping another child with homework. We can answer the phone if it rings while we're doing all of this! So, when a man takes on the job of raising children alone, it's commendable.
I had a very special Dad and I often think of the sacrifices he made for us. I think Gary is one of those special Dads whose children will always remember that he is there for them no matter what. It's heartwarming to see a man step up to the plate like that. It has been said that "A man is never taller than when he stoops down to help a child". Gary is that man. I thought of him today. Happy Father's Day, Gary. Happy Father's Day to all Dads, Step-Dads, Grand-Dads, and those who step in for Dads. Have a great day!
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
The Circle of Life
It's been a year now since Suzi lost her husband, Jeff. Death is non-discriminatory and you never expect it, even when you know it's coming. It's always a shock. Jeff and Suzi adopted two children with A Labor of Love. They are both beautiful girls and they have struggled with the loss of their father as well. They are almost 8 and 12. They are, like typical kids, involved in many activities. They keep Suzi on her toes running them to dance class, brownies, piano and swimming lessons, and 4H club. That part is good, because it likely keeps Suzi busy and focused on that a good portion of the time. It makes me sad that Jeff, after going through the adoption process with his wife, and having been blessed by his girls, was not able to be here longer to enjoy watching them grow and blossom. Suzi misses him terribly, but is putting one foot in front of the other for the girls.
Before that, another of our families lost a husband and father. Brent was a reservist who was called up unexpectedly to go to Iraq. He did his duty and, while working, was killed by a roadside bomb. His wife, Marilyn, and young son were left behind to mourn his death and to try to move forward. Brent and Marilyn had been waiting to adopt. Sometimes our lives take a turn we didn't plan on and we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory wondering how we got there. None of us know where we will be or what we'll be doing five years from now (or if we'll even be here at all). We like to think we know, but really no one can predict what events will change our lives. When Mark and Karen adopted, they had no idea that Karen would be raising their child as a single Mom, or that adopting a child together would somehow make it a little easier for Karen to get up in the morning and do what she had to do. Over the years, probably a dozen of our adoptive parents have lost spouses. Kathy, an adoptive Mom of two, had moved with her husband Ron to a large ranch in the mid-west -- a great place to raise their kids. She couldn't know that she'd be running the ranch without Ron one day.
I like to believe that there is a lesson and a moral to every story. I guess the lesson here is that we just need to cherish every moment and enjoy each day we have with those we love and let them know how important they are to us, because we have a limited time together. The world as we know it tends to stop when someone we care about passes. And then, like Springtime, life tends to come full circle. A baby is born and the world seems meaningful and hopeful again. Babies have a way of doing that. They heal your heart. Have you ever seen an elderly person around a baby? Their eyes light up and they sparkle and they have a reason to be animated. Everything feels new again.
There is something magical about anything baby. A few years ago, when my daughter was younger, we went outside in the Summer and there were very tiny (and I mean tiny) praying mantis babies all over the sidewalk. My daughter was horrified by the thought that someone would step on them. She carefully and meticulously picked each one up and put it into the jasmine bush nearby. She was talking to them the whole time ("You can't go out in the street without looking -- don't you know that?" and "Stay on the bush where the big bugs can't see you!"). She spent a very long time gently picking up each little mantis (there were hundreds) and placing it in a safe place and then inspecting every inch of sidewalk and driveway around the area to be sure she had found them all. We've rescued puppies, kittens, and baby birds who fell from the nest. They always seem to be found in times of trouble and they always seem to make everyone smile. Such is the circle of life.
We are so saddened that Jeff and Brent, (as well as Mark, Ron, and all of our adoptive parents who have passed) couldn't stay with us longer. They were all great Dads who wanted very much to be here with their much-wanted children. As Father's day nears, our prayers will be with their families, who miss them every day. Their babies will carry on the circle of life.
Before that, another of our families lost a husband and father. Brent was a reservist who was called up unexpectedly to go to Iraq. He did his duty and, while working, was killed by a roadside bomb. His wife, Marilyn, and young son were left behind to mourn his death and to try to move forward. Brent and Marilyn had been waiting to adopt. Sometimes our lives take a turn we didn't plan on and we find ourselves in unfamiliar territory wondering how we got there. None of us know where we will be or what we'll be doing five years from now (or if we'll even be here at all). We like to think we know, but really no one can predict what events will change our lives. When Mark and Karen adopted, they had no idea that Karen would be raising their child as a single Mom, or that adopting a child together would somehow make it a little easier for Karen to get up in the morning and do what she had to do. Over the years, probably a dozen of our adoptive parents have lost spouses. Kathy, an adoptive Mom of two, had moved with her husband Ron to a large ranch in the mid-west -- a great place to raise their kids. She couldn't know that she'd be running the ranch without Ron one day.
I like to believe that there is a lesson and a moral to every story. I guess the lesson here is that we just need to cherish every moment and enjoy each day we have with those we love and let them know how important they are to us, because we have a limited time together. The world as we know it tends to stop when someone we care about passes. And then, like Springtime, life tends to come full circle. A baby is born and the world seems meaningful and hopeful again. Babies have a way of doing that. They heal your heart. Have you ever seen an elderly person around a baby? Their eyes light up and they sparkle and they have a reason to be animated. Everything feels new again.
There is something magical about anything baby. A few years ago, when my daughter was younger, we went outside in the Summer and there were very tiny (and I mean tiny) praying mantis babies all over the sidewalk. My daughter was horrified by the thought that someone would step on them. She carefully and meticulously picked each one up and put it into the jasmine bush nearby. She was talking to them the whole time ("You can't go out in the street without looking -- don't you know that?" and "Stay on the bush where the big bugs can't see you!"). She spent a very long time gently picking up each little mantis (there were hundreds) and placing it in a safe place and then inspecting every inch of sidewalk and driveway around the area to be sure she had found them all. We've rescued puppies, kittens, and baby birds who fell from the nest. They always seem to be found in times of trouble and they always seem to make everyone smile. Such is the circle of life.
We are so saddened that Jeff and Brent, (as well as Mark, Ron, and all of our adoptive parents who have passed) couldn't stay with us longer. They were all great Dads who wanted very much to be here with their much-wanted children. As Father's day nears, our prayers will be with their families, who miss them every day. Their babies will carry on the circle of life.
Friday, June 12, 2009
Special Delivery -- Expect the Unexpected
Adoptive parents often ask me the question, "What will the hospital (or birth) experience be like for us?". I usually explain about what generally happens at the hospital, as well as during and after the delivery, so they will feel comfortable when they are at the hospital. It does vary from hospital to hospital, but the key is flexibility. I'm not sure any two birth experiences are the same. So, you should actually prepare to be unprepared and go with it. Recently, adoptive parents Rick and Allison were matched with a birth couple who had placed ALOLA before. They did all of the normal things...viewed the profiles, spoke with the adoptive couple, met with them, and then waited for the birth. This was baby number four for birth mom, so she hoped it would be a short labor. She had no idea how short.
She was sitting on her couch on Memorial Day Weekend when her water suddenly broke. That's not all that unusual...it's what came next that was a little out of the ordinary. As soon as her water broke, birth mom felt a whole lot of pressure and within a minute, the baby's headed actually popped out. She lowered herself to the floor and her husband and a neighbor lady began to assist her. No one panicked. They seemed to take it in stride. As they began to try to help deliver the baby, the birth father called 9-1-1. He calmly told the dispatcher what had happened and asked what he needed to do. Meanwhile, he noticed that the baby's umbilical cord was looped around the neck of the baby, and the baby couldn't be be delivered because the cord was holding him back. The dispatcher told him to try to "reduce" the cord, or pull it over the baby's head to free the baby to be born. It was then that they realized the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck not once, but twice. Even doctors can be challenged by this phenomenon and this type of situation makes even the professionals a bit nervous. The cord was wrapped too tightly. When they attempted to pull the cord over the head, the other loop would tighten around the neck. They soon realized that wasn't going to work.
The birth father asked the 9-1-1 operator what to do again. He was told, "Let me check and see what the manual says". Meanwhile, the baby is looking a little blue and is obviously not able to come all the way out. The birth father (hero of the day) then made a monumental decision (which would have horrified anyone who has medical knowledge in Labor and Delivery!). He whipped out his pocket knife and cut the cord (not so sterile, but quite effective). He crimped the cord with his finger, unwound it and the baby slipped right out. It's probably a good thing (knowing now that baby is fine) that the birth father had no idea how limited the time was to get the baby out once the cord was cut (no oxygen from the placenta at that point, and the baby can't take a first breath and continue to breathe with its chest compressed by the birth canal). Perhaps it was good that birth father didn't know that because he remained calm, delivered the baby, suctioned the mouth and baby boy Austin came into the world screaming.
So, when you ask me what happens in a delivery, I can tell you only one thing with certainty -- expect the unexpected, but be flexible enough to go with the flow. Don't set yourself up by imagining something that is unrealistic or may not happen. For example, you may want to be in the room for delivery (presumably at the hospital), but if something like this happens, you won't be there. Don't let that stop you from being happy about your child's birth. Go to the hospital knowing that you may or may not be able to witness the event. You may or may not be able to spend time with the baby at the hospital in a private setting. You may have to wait until you are home for that, although many hospitals will be considerate of your desire to bond with the infant and may offer a room. Remember that for a birth mother (or birth parents), the time in the hospital will be the only time they have to say hello (and goodbye), so they may cherish that time. They are not being inconsiderate and it doesn't mean that they have changed their minds -- it simply means that they know time is short and want that time with the baby. It's the only time they will have before you become the parents. They are certainly entitled to that. They will have those memories forever. In the case of Austin's birth parents...it will be quite a memory, and a story they will likely tell years from now. It makes you wonder about what this child is destined to do in this world. He was so impatient to be born, he was not about to wait. We'll be watching you, Austin!
NOTE: Austin joins big brother, Zachary. Maybe he's already feeling a little competitive and knows he'll have to work hard to catch up!
She was sitting on her couch on Memorial Day Weekend when her water suddenly broke. That's not all that unusual...it's what came next that was a little out of the ordinary. As soon as her water broke, birth mom felt a whole lot of pressure and within a minute, the baby's headed actually popped out. She lowered herself to the floor and her husband and a neighbor lady began to assist her. No one panicked. They seemed to take it in stride. As they began to try to help deliver the baby, the birth father called 9-1-1. He calmly told the dispatcher what had happened and asked what he needed to do. Meanwhile, he noticed that the baby's umbilical cord was looped around the neck of the baby, and the baby couldn't be be delivered because the cord was holding him back. The dispatcher told him to try to "reduce" the cord, or pull it over the baby's head to free the baby to be born. It was then that they realized the cord was wrapped around the baby's neck not once, but twice. Even doctors can be challenged by this phenomenon and this type of situation makes even the professionals a bit nervous. The cord was wrapped too tightly. When they attempted to pull the cord over the head, the other loop would tighten around the neck. They soon realized that wasn't going to work.
The birth father asked the 9-1-1 operator what to do again. He was told, "Let me check and see what the manual says". Meanwhile, the baby is looking a little blue and is obviously not able to come all the way out. The birth father (hero of the day) then made a monumental decision (which would have horrified anyone who has medical knowledge in Labor and Delivery!). He whipped out his pocket knife and cut the cord (not so sterile, but quite effective). He crimped the cord with his finger, unwound it and the baby slipped right out. It's probably a good thing (knowing now that baby is fine) that the birth father had no idea how limited the time was to get the baby out once the cord was cut (no oxygen from the placenta at that point, and the baby can't take a first breath and continue to breathe with its chest compressed by the birth canal). Perhaps it was good that birth father didn't know that because he remained calm, delivered the baby, suctioned the mouth and baby boy Austin came into the world screaming.
So, when you ask me what happens in a delivery, I can tell you only one thing with certainty -- expect the unexpected, but be flexible enough to go with the flow. Don't set yourself up by imagining something that is unrealistic or may not happen. For example, you may want to be in the room for delivery (presumably at the hospital), but if something like this happens, you won't be there. Don't let that stop you from being happy about your child's birth. Go to the hospital knowing that you may or may not be able to witness the event. You may or may not be able to spend time with the baby at the hospital in a private setting. You may have to wait until you are home for that, although many hospitals will be considerate of your desire to bond with the infant and may offer a room. Remember that for a birth mother (or birth parents), the time in the hospital will be the only time they have to say hello (and goodbye), so they may cherish that time. They are not being inconsiderate and it doesn't mean that they have changed their minds -- it simply means that they know time is short and want that time with the baby. It's the only time they will have before you become the parents. They are certainly entitled to that. They will have those memories forever. In the case of Austin's birth parents...it will be quite a memory, and a story they will likely tell years from now. It makes you wonder about what this child is destined to do in this world. He was so impatient to be born, he was not about to wait. We'll be watching you, Austin!
NOTE: Austin joins big brother, Zachary. Maybe he's already feeling a little competitive and knows he'll have to work hard to catch up!
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Always the Bridesmaid
You've heard the term, "Always the bridesmaid -- never the bride"? When adoptive families are presented to a birth mother for consideration, she tends to have an idea about what type of family she prefers. She may be looking for a family with children ("I want siblings for my child"), or she may ask for someone with no children ("I want my child to be special" or "I want him to get all of the attention"). She may prefer a specific religion, but be open to others. She may want someone close ("so we can meet before the birth") or someone far away ("I don't want to risk seeing the family out in public because it would be too emotional for me"). There may be considerations about race or other issues. We may have to consider gender. When a birth mother's preferences are known, we attempt to send her the profiles we have that most closely meet her criteria. For instance, if she has 5 preferences, then those things would be considered first. Let's say that we have only 4 families that meet all of the requested criteria. Then we will look at those who meet perhaps four of the criteria and send those as well. Perhaps there are five more families who fall into that category. They all meet different specifications, but have one or two variations, so they are all different. We will send her the 9 profiles and she may choose one that meets all of her requests. On the other hand, she may see one that comes close and find that she prefers them.
When a birth mom looks at profiles, she may instantly see who she would like as the adoptive parents. More often, she likes two or three different profiles and wants to investigate further, perhaps talking to the families, or starting with the first family, until she decides she's happy with her choice. We ask her to put her choices in numerical order and we have the first family speak to her. After that, she can decide to go on talking to families, or she may choose to stick with her first choice. That is a reasonable way to handle it, as she may not be comfortable talking with multiple families (she doesn't want to disappoint anyone) and she really just wants confirmation that her first choice is going to work for her.
When 6 to 10 profiles are sent to a birth mother, we don't know who she'll choose. We do know one thing. The ones who don't get chosen are going to feel rejected or second best. It's important to know that you're not being rejected when that happens. Most often, I hear from birth mothers, "They all look like great families and it's really hard to choose -- I like them all". However, it's only one baby, so she does have to choose one over the others. When a family is choice #2, it's very difficult for them. As an adoptive family, you have to realize that if you are being considered as number 2, that means your profile is good and you are presenting well and that it's only a matter of time before you are chosen.
We spend much of our time talking with adoptive families. It's hard to reassure a family who has been waiting and keeps getting chosen second. They feel like it's never going to happen. It will. When the right situation comes along, it will all click. If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are not very virtuous! However, we do understand that the wait can be stressful and none of us want the wait to last longer than it has to.
One of the things that helps us the most is our adoptive families being understanding about the fact that we can't call each family once a birth mom makes a decision. Of course, if you can't sleep or are consumed with what happened, you can always call us for resolution. We will certainly call if the birth mother is interested in speaking to you or considers you one of her top choices. If we call each family to tell them what happened with each birth mother, we would spend our days on the phone just disseminating that information. When we speak with adoptive families about specific situations, the conversation generally lasts at least 10-15 minutes and possibly much longer. We do call and keep everyone informed of what is actually happening when you are involved or chosen. If you are not, it's not time well spent and it takes away from our birth mother outreach time.
As far as the whys, there can be many answers, none of which will change the outcome. Birth mothers choose a family for a lot of reasons, but there is one common denominator. They find a connection. That connection can be that the two families look similar, you share an interest (nascar, football, or dancing), or that you are in a career that she eventually wants to go into (something in common she can talk with you about). The thing to remember is that if she chooses a family other than yours, she has a connection with them. That connection will enable her to feel better about the match, which is one reason that we don't have a lot of failures. If someone is just matched based on the time they have waited or that they are "next up", then the birth parent isn't as likely to find that connection and would be more susceptible to changing her mind because she may not be confident in the family chosen. It's a complex set of circumstances that lead to a successful match. If she didn't choose you, it's better that she didn't, because there is another birth mother out there somewhere with whom you'll have that connection and that will be the glue that holds you all together. She won't want to consider anyone else, because she feels you are her best choice. That's when you start to understand the whys.
Don't despair if you are feeling like you're "always the bridesmaid and never the bride". Your time will come. I do understand. Just ask my fiance, Joseph. We've been together for ten years now. When the time is right, it will happen.
When a birth mom looks at profiles, she may instantly see who she would like as the adoptive parents. More often, she likes two or three different profiles and wants to investigate further, perhaps talking to the families, or starting with the first family, until she decides she's happy with her choice. We ask her to put her choices in numerical order and we have the first family speak to her. After that, she can decide to go on talking to families, or she may choose to stick with her first choice. That is a reasonable way to handle it, as she may not be comfortable talking with multiple families (she doesn't want to disappoint anyone) and she really just wants confirmation that her first choice is going to work for her.
When 6 to 10 profiles are sent to a birth mother, we don't know who she'll choose. We do know one thing. The ones who don't get chosen are going to feel rejected or second best. It's important to know that you're not being rejected when that happens. Most often, I hear from birth mothers, "They all look like great families and it's really hard to choose -- I like them all". However, it's only one baby, so she does have to choose one over the others. When a family is choice #2, it's very difficult for them. As an adoptive family, you have to realize that if you are being considered as number 2, that means your profile is good and you are presenting well and that it's only a matter of time before you are chosen.
We spend much of our time talking with adoptive families. It's hard to reassure a family who has been waiting and keeps getting chosen second. They feel like it's never going to happen. It will. When the right situation comes along, it will all click. If patience is a virtue, some of our adoptive families are not very virtuous! However, we do understand that the wait can be stressful and none of us want the wait to last longer than it has to.
One of the things that helps us the most is our adoptive families being understanding about the fact that we can't call each family once a birth mom makes a decision. Of course, if you can't sleep or are consumed with what happened, you can always call us for resolution. We will certainly call if the birth mother is interested in speaking to you or considers you one of her top choices. If we call each family to tell them what happened with each birth mother, we would spend our days on the phone just disseminating that information. When we speak with adoptive families about specific situations, the conversation generally lasts at least 10-15 minutes and possibly much longer. We do call and keep everyone informed of what is actually happening when you are involved or chosen. If you are not, it's not time well spent and it takes away from our birth mother outreach time.
As far as the whys, there can be many answers, none of which will change the outcome. Birth mothers choose a family for a lot of reasons, but there is one common denominator. They find a connection. That connection can be that the two families look similar, you share an interest (nascar, football, or dancing), or that you are in a career that she eventually wants to go into (something in common she can talk with you about). The thing to remember is that if she chooses a family other than yours, she has a connection with them. That connection will enable her to feel better about the match, which is one reason that we don't have a lot of failures. If someone is just matched based on the time they have waited or that they are "next up", then the birth parent isn't as likely to find that connection and would be more susceptible to changing her mind because she may not be confident in the family chosen. It's a complex set of circumstances that lead to a successful match. If she didn't choose you, it's better that she didn't, because there is another birth mother out there somewhere with whom you'll have that connection and that will be the glue that holds you all together. She won't want to consider anyone else, because she feels you are her best choice. That's when you start to understand the whys.
Don't despair if you are feeling like you're "always the bridesmaid and never the bride". Your time will come. I do understand. Just ask my fiance, Joseph. We've been together for ten years now. When the time is right, it will happen.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Bragging Rights
When our children are little, we find all kinds of things to brag about. We like to share the news when they make that first newborn smile, take their first baby steps, when they give up the bottle, learn to use the potty, recite their alphabet, learn how to ride a bike, or show a talent. Friends and co-workers nod and roll their eyes, knowing they will hear about each and every landmark or achievement. As children get older and leave their babyhood behind, we expect a little more from them and we tend to take it in stride when they do good things or accomplish goals. We almost expect it, so we're not so vocal about it. Maybe the newness of babyhood has worn off. My son is always telling me I don't praise him enough. He has the whole situation psychoanalized. I keep reminding him that you have to DO something to be praised for it. The dishes don't do themselves! I think he believes couch surfing is a real sport. How did we ever grow up without a remote control?
However, today my daughter, Erin, gave me something to praise her for and to brag about, if you'll indulge me. Erin is in her second year of college and no longer a little one, but once you have a baby, they are always your baby, no matter how old.
She was previously accepted to UNLV with the stipulation that she transfer with a 3.0 grade point average and she had to have 11 units this semester to qualify for a transfer. She took 14 just to be safe. She did a lot of studying and pored over the books and wrote essays and participated in many projects. She met friends for study groups and spent time on research. I complained a little because she didn't have a job this semester, but she kept telling me that school was about all she could handle. As she anxiously awaited her grades at the end of the semester, she second-guessed herself, even convincing herself that she may not pass her English Composition class. Writing isn't her strong suit (Go figure. She could have absorbed that by osmosis if she didn't get it genetically). Her English teacher didn't post grades most of the semester, so it was truly a guess on her part. However, when the grades were finally posted and the dust had settled, my little girl could hardly believe her eyes. She aced each course, and the finals and ended up with a 4.0 GPA. She scored more than 100% in two of her classes (she's a believer in extra credit). So, here I am bragging about my baby once more. I'm very proud of her. She'll be moving away to the dorms in Las Vegas in the Fall and I'm not sure how the mommy bird will do without her little chick. That will be two out of the nest. The third one could be trouble. He'll be far too comfortable with the nest all to himself. I may need a new couch.
However, today my daughter, Erin, gave me something to praise her for and to brag about, if you'll indulge me. Erin is in her second year of college and no longer a little one, but once you have a baby, they are always your baby, no matter how old.
She was previously accepted to UNLV with the stipulation that she transfer with a 3.0 grade point average and she had to have 11 units this semester to qualify for a transfer. She took 14 just to be safe. She did a lot of studying and pored over the books and wrote essays and participated in many projects. She met friends for study groups and spent time on research. I complained a little because she didn't have a job this semester, but she kept telling me that school was about all she could handle. As she anxiously awaited her grades at the end of the semester, she second-guessed herself, even convincing herself that she may not pass her English Composition class. Writing isn't her strong suit (Go figure. She could have absorbed that by osmosis if she didn't get it genetically). Her English teacher didn't post grades most of the semester, so it was truly a guess on her part. However, when the grades were finally posted and the dust had settled, my little girl could hardly believe her eyes. She aced each course, and the finals and ended up with a 4.0 GPA. She scored more than 100% in two of her classes (she's a believer in extra credit). So, here I am bragging about my baby once more. I'm very proud of her. She'll be moving away to the dorms in Las Vegas in the Fall and I'm not sure how the mommy bird will do without her little chick. That will be two out of the nest. The third one could be trouble. He'll be far too comfortable with the nest all to himself. I may need a new couch.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
The Abortion Debate
I am constantly amazed at what people will believe when fed by the media. I've been having the abortion debate with a friend and his lack of knowledge about the actual abortion procedure and the excuses given by abortionists for doing it have rendered me speechless (at least verbally!). Less than 1/10th of 1 percent of pregnancies require the mother to terminate the pregnancy or risk her life. If that decision has to be made and one or both will lose their life, then that is obviously the exception to the rule. I think what irks me most is that abortionists and pro-life activists try to make us believe that there are medical reasons for most abortions, when that is not the case. Tell it like it is, people! Just be real about it. My friend asked me, "What about late term abortion when the mother's life is at stake?". If that is the case, there is no need for an abortion. Birth can be induced or a C-section done and the baby delivered. There is no need to parent if that is the issue. Adoptive families abound.
There is a book I would encourage everyone to read. It's called "Gianna", by Jessica Shaver with an afterward by Gianna Jessen. Gianna is adopted. She was adopted by her foster family after coming into the world in a very traumatic way. Gianna's biological mother went into an abortion clinic to get an abortion. Apparently the clinic was so focused on the profit to be made, they neglected to adequately determine gestational dates. At that time, saline abortions were all the rage. Saline was injected into the mother's uterus and she was sent home to wait for the baby to die, so she could come back and they could deliver it. When she came back to the clinic in labor, the baby was delivered. There was one small problem. The baby didn't die. Gianna was born screaming and she was burned, head to toe, by the saline. They put her off to the side and waited for her to die. She didn't die. After a while, the physician realized that this baby was not going to die. So, she was taken to a hospital. Gianna recovered. She is an aborted baby who lived to tell about it. I wonder how many others got to that point and were smothered or drowned to get rid of the evidence of life.
As a result of the injuries she sustained in this failed abortion, Gianna has cerebral palsy. She is intelligent and lives a full life, which is impacted by the physical effects of her cerebral palsy -- cerebral palsy caused by people. Even with her disability, she was adoptable. She is loved. Everyone in the room when she was born expected she'd be dead. Her will to live and her purpose in life (perhaps to bear witness to the injustice of what is being done)was undaunted by those who would have killed her.
Late term abortion is never necessary. It may be necessary to deliver the child, but a c-section or induction would give them a fighting chance at life! If the mother's life is in danger, then by all means they should try to save her. But don't use the mother's life as an excuse in every abortion. If I sound angry, I am. Our society as a whole can't be honest. Call a spade a spade. Tell the truth. Put everyone on an even playing field. If you are calling those who don't believe in carte blanche abortion "pro-life", then why is the opposite not "pro-death"? We all know the answer to that. "Pro-choice" is a deceptive term. Whose "choice" would that be? Certainly not the choice of the child. Not the choice of all those potential adoptive parents out there who are waiting for a child. Not the choice of those who value life. But there is much protest if you label it what it really is.
I don't want to sound preachy or come off like a foot-stomping activist, but if the pen is, indeed, mightier than the sword, then I'm taking up arms. I would challenge those who believe that abortion is a "right" to actually witness one. Most would refuse because they don't want to know. They don't want to see the "medical waste", the blood and dismembered babies thrown in the trash. There is a movie from the 70's called "Silent Scream" that takes a camera inside a uterus while an abortion is being performed. It's a true horror movie. Most people would defend the rights of animals being hurt before they would defend the rights of unborn humans. I really don't understand it. If we want others to value life, don't we have to value it? How can we condemn suicide bombers, when we kill our own children? If we will kill an innocent baby who hasn't yet had the chance to begin a life, how will we treat those who are at the end of life and are no longer productive? When does the madness end? If we respect life, we can't put some sort of limitations on when life begins and when life is over. Who is qualified to do that? Even in the absence of religion, physicians will tell you that upon conception, there is a living organism which will eventually walk and talk and be called a human being. The ones who disagree tend to be the same ones who are benefiting financially from abortions. They may say they are "providing a service" to women. In fact, they are providing a disservice. A hit man can "provide a service". Does that make it acceptable?
I realize my opinion may offend some, and I apologize for that. I spent a few years in labor and delivery and in both post-abortion and neo-natal bereavement counseling. If a woman loses a wanted child through a miscarriage or fetal demise, she grieves a life lost. If a pregnancy was unwanted and abortion performed, does that mean that child wasn't a life lost? In China, for many years and still in some places, when a female child is born alive, she is placed face down in a bucket of water to drown or smothered, as males are preferred. When Americans hear that, they are appalled. Why? Many of those same Americans are supportive of the right to extinguish the life of that same baby just a few weeks earlier. I'm not sure whether drowning or dismemberment is worse. Can anyone tell me?
There is a book I would encourage everyone to read. It's called "Gianna", by Jessica Shaver with an afterward by Gianna Jessen. Gianna is adopted. She was adopted by her foster family after coming into the world in a very traumatic way. Gianna's biological mother went into an abortion clinic to get an abortion. Apparently the clinic was so focused on the profit to be made, they neglected to adequately determine gestational dates. At that time, saline abortions were all the rage. Saline was injected into the mother's uterus and she was sent home to wait for the baby to die, so she could come back and they could deliver it. When she came back to the clinic in labor, the baby was delivered. There was one small problem. The baby didn't die. Gianna was born screaming and she was burned, head to toe, by the saline. They put her off to the side and waited for her to die. She didn't die. After a while, the physician realized that this baby was not going to die. So, she was taken to a hospital. Gianna recovered. She is an aborted baby who lived to tell about it. I wonder how many others got to that point and were smothered or drowned to get rid of the evidence of life.
As a result of the injuries she sustained in this failed abortion, Gianna has cerebral palsy. She is intelligent and lives a full life, which is impacted by the physical effects of her cerebral palsy -- cerebral palsy caused by people. Even with her disability, she was adoptable. She is loved. Everyone in the room when she was born expected she'd be dead. Her will to live and her purpose in life (perhaps to bear witness to the injustice of what is being done)was undaunted by those who would have killed her.
Late term abortion is never necessary. It may be necessary to deliver the child, but a c-section or induction would give them a fighting chance at life! If the mother's life is in danger, then by all means they should try to save her. But don't use the mother's life as an excuse in every abortion. If I sound angry, I am. Our society as a whole can't be honest. Call a spade a spade. Tell the truth. Put everyone on an even playing field. If you are calling those who don't believe in carte blanche abortion "pro-life", then why is the opposite not "pro-death"? We all know the answer to that. "Pro-choice" is a deceptive term. Whose "choice" would that be? Certainly not the choice of the child. Not the choice of all those potential adoptive parents out there who are waiting for a child. Not the choice of those who value life. But there is much protest if you label it what it really is.
I don't want to sound preachy or come off like a foot-stomping activist, but if the pen is, indeed, mightier than the sword, then I'm taking up arms. I would challenge those who believe that abortion is a "right" to actually witness one. Most would refuse because they don't want to know. They don't want to see the "medical waste", the blood and dismembered babies thrown in the trash. There is a movie from the 70's called "Silent Scream" that takes a camera inside a uterus while an abortion is being performed. It's a true horror movie. Most people would defend the rights of animals being hurt before they would defend the rights of unborn humans. I really don't understand it. If we want others to value life, don't we have to value it? How can we condemn suicide bombers, when we kill our own children? If we will kill an innocent baby who hasn't yet had the chance to begin a life, how will we treat those who are at the end of life and are no longer productive? When does the madness end? If we respect life, we can't put some sort of limitations on when life begins and when life is over. Who is qualified to do that? Even in the absence of religion, physicians will tell you that upon conception, there is a living organism which will eventually walk and talk and be called a human being. The ones who disagree tend to be the same ones who are benefiting financially from abortions. They may say they are "providing a service" to women. In fact, they are providing a disservice. A hit man can "provide a service". Does that make it acceptable?
I realize my opinion may offend some, and I apologize for that. I spent a few years in labor and delivery and in both post-abortion and neo-natal bereavement counseling. If a woman loses a wanted child through a miscarriage or fetal demise, she grieves a life lost. If a pregnancy was unwanted and abortion performed, does that mean that child wasn't a life lost? In China, for many years and still in some places, when a female child is born alive, she is placed face down in a bucket of water to drown or smothered, as males are preferred. When Americans hear that, they are appalled. Why? Many of those same Americans are supportive of the right to extinguish the life of that same baby just a few weeks earlier. I'm not sure whether drowning or dismemberment is worse. Can anyone tell me?
Monday, June 8, 2009
The Irony of Life and Death
I'm finding some irony in the story of the abortion doctor, Dr. George Tiller. He was shot to death during a church service in which he was an usher. I don't know as much about the Lutheran church as I do about my own faith, but I do know that it's odd that someone who believes in God and the Bible and goes to church could go to work the next day and take the lives of innocent babies. Dr. Tiller was much-hated and equally well-respected in his community. Some felt he was providing a service. Others felt he was simply a murderer. He opted, unlike most pro-choice doctors, to do abortions in the final trimester of a pregnancy. What this means is that the babies he aborted would actually have been viable had they been allowed to be born. Even some who are in favor of the choice to have an abortion felt that was wrong.
Back in 1992, peaceful protests were conducted outside of his clinic for 45 days. 2,700 people were arrested. That didn't have much impact on his resolution to continue what he was doing. In 1993, Dr. Tiller was shot in both arms by someone who was trying to stop the carnage. Apparently, that did not cause the doctor to stop doing what he so obviously believed in. I saw an interview in which he stated that he did it as a service to women and that the abortions were "medically necessary". The actual percentage of medically necessary abortions is very small, by some estimates less than 1 percent, while millions of abortions take place every year. His argument was that it was more risky to go through a pregnancy. We are all entitled to our opinions, but this didn't seem like a rational argument to me.
In his controversial appearance at Notre Dame University commencement this year, our President, Barack Obama, stated that adoption should be more available and there should be fewer abortions. I will confess that I was impressed with his speech and how he addressed the issue. I was pleasantly surprised that he was able to come out and say what he did so diplomatically. I hope people were listening. While I am not naive enough to think that abortion could or would be banned entirely, I think with education about options and the dangers of abortion, as well as prevention of unwanted pregnancies, we could reduce the need for abortions in our country, just as we have reduced the spread of AIDS.
I find it ironic, as well, that abortion providers will quote statistics about death in childbirth, but won't talk about death related to abortion. You also won't hear about the aftermath. I saw a bumper sticker once which said it all; Abortion - One dead, one wounded. No one talks about how a woman feels after she has had her baby forcefully removed from her body. In doing both post-abortion counseling and neo-natal bereavement counseling, I found that in either case women felt the same, whether their child had died as a result of a planned abortion or as the result of a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage). They felt violated. They felt empty. They felt guilt. They felt regret. In one counseling session years after an abortion, a woman told me "I look at my kids and I think 'That baby was one of them too'." She told me she would never be able to forgive herself. I'm not sure that is what she had in mind when she sought to end her pregnancy. She was confused about options. She was alone. She was told it was "pregnancy tissue". She stated, "They told me it would all be over very quickly, but it will never be over."
I understand that there will always be cases when an argument can be made for abortion; rape, incest, age, mental incapacity, etc. However, abortion should not be able to be used as a birth control option and a woman shouldn't be railroaded by someone who has a vested interest in the outcome (or income) of her pregnancy. Abortion providers make billions (with a B) per year on aborting unplanned babies. Money talks. If a woman who wanted an abortion was able to see her baby on ultrasound prior to the procedure, my guess is that there would be many fewer procedures. When the child is discussed as "the products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue", it becomes easy to disassociate. When you see fingers and toes, arms and legs, a beating heart -- it becomes much more difficult to view your child as "pregnancy tissue". The gift of life is supreme. There is no greater gift. A woman doesn't have to parent to give the gift of life. It's no longer shameful to be pregnant out of wedlock or to carry a baby to term as a single woman. What greater gift could be given to that child or to the couples or singles who strive to have a family, but are unable?
Our President has nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Kudos to him for nominating a minority woman to the bench. It's about time. However, we don't yet know her stance on abortion. Pay attention. Let your congressmen and women know how you feel about her confirmation as she reveals her thoughts. There are five Catholics on the bench of the Supreme Court of our land. Two are Jewish. The rest are Christians of Protestant denominations. There's another irony. This would seem to indicate a value for life, a respect for the Bible, and a call to obey our ten commandments; one of which says "Thou shalt not kill". I have always felt that if we all obey the "golden rule", "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you", the rest of the commandments would fall into that category and would be easy to follow. I don't think any of us would choose to have been aborted. Look around you and ask yourself "What if...that person had been aborted?". What would we have lost?
An unplanned pregnancy is inconvenient, difficult, and sometimes embarrassing. To compound it by taking the life of a child who was never given a choice isn't the answer. As women, we need to stand up and be heard. Women's rights have come full circle. Now we have too many. This year, 70% of the college graduates were women. Women are a powerful lobby. Somehow, we have to stick together as women and take care of our own, and nurture the lives of our babies. I do not condemn women who have chosen abortion. It's a difficult position to find yourself in and we have all made mistakes that are regrettable -- mistakes that can't be taken back. I do condemn those who make a profit by taking a life. If someone assassinates a president, he is sent to death row. What if one of those aborted babies was destined to be our president? Or perhaps a gifted musician who touched many lives, or a doctor who saved them? What if Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, Rosa Parks, Caesar Chavez, or our Pope had their lives taken early? Or what if they had never lived? I don't think, as mere humans, we have the ability or the right to make such "choices".
If a woman is in a car accident and is 8 months pregnant and her baby is killed, someone gets charged with manslaughter. If that same woman walks into Dr. Tiller's office for an abortion at 8 months gestation, we are told it's her choice and her "right" to terminate that life. Why is there a distinction in the same life? What's wrong with this picture? And what happened to the Hippocratic Oath,in which a physician makes a promise to "do no harm"? As a nation, we need to reassess our values and place some restrictions on the ability for anyone to make a hasty decision to take a life. Roe v. Wade, which defines our law of the land concerning abortion, is now opposed by the woman whose case brought it into being. Another irony. If we don't respect life, we can't expect our lives to be respected. What is the value of a life?
Back in 1992, peaceful protests were conducted outside of his clinic for 45 days. 2,700 people were arrested. That didn't have much impact on his resolution to continue what he was doing. In 1993, Dr. Tiller was shot in both arms by someone who was trying to stop the carnage. Apparently, that did not cause the doctor to stop doing what he so obviously believed in. I saw an interview in which he stated that he did it as a service to women and that the abortions were "medically necessary". The actual percentage of medically necessary abortions is very small, by some estimates less than 1 percent, while millions of abortions take place every year. His argument was that it was more risky to go through a pregnancy. We are all entitled to our opinions, but this didn't seem like a rational argument to me.
In his controversial appearance at Notre Dame University commencement this year, our President, Barack Obama, stated that adoption should be more available and there should be fewer abortions. I will confess that I was impressed with his speech and how he addressed the issue. I was pleasantly surprised that he was able to come out and say what he did so diplomatically. I hope people were listening. While I am not naive enough to think that abortion could or would be banned entirely, I think with education about options and the dangers of abortion, as well as prevention of unwanted pregnancies, we could reduce the need for abortions in our country, just as we have reduced the spread of AIDS.
I find it ironic, as well, that abortion providers will quote statistics about death in childbirth, but won't talk about death related to abortion. You also won't hear about the aftermath. I saw a bumper sticker once which said it all; Abortion - One dead, one wounded. No one talks about how a woman feels after she has had her baby forcefully removed from her body. In doing both post-abortion counseling and neo-natal bereavement counseling, I found that in either case women felt the same, whether their child had died as a result of a planned abortion or as the result of a spontaneous abortion (miscarriage). They felt violated. They felt empty. They felt guilt. They felt regret. In one counseling session years after an abortion, a woman told me "I look at my kids and I think 'That baby was one of them too'." She told me she would never be able to forgive herself. I'm not sure that is what she had in mind when she sought to end her pregnancy. She was confused about options. She was alone. She was told it was "pregnancy tissue". She stated, "They told me it would all be over very quickly, but it will never be over."
I understand that there will always be cases when an argument can be made for abortion; rape, incest, age, mental incapacity, etc. However, abortion should not be able to be used as a birth control option and a woman shouldn't be railroaded by someone who has a vested interest in the outcome (or income) of her pregnancy. Abortion providers make billions (with a B) per year on aborting unplanned babies. Money talks. If a woman who wanted an abortion was able to see her baby on ultrasound prior to the procedure, my guess is that there would be many fewer procedures. When the child is discussed as "the products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue", it becomes easy to disassociate. When you see fingers and toes, arms and legs, a beating heart -- it becomes much more difficult to view your child as "pregnancy tissue". The gift of life is supreme. There is no greater gift. A woman doesn't have to parent to give the gift of life. It's no longer shameful to be pregnant out of wedlock or to carry a baby to term as a single woman. What greater gift could be given to that child or to the couples or singles who strive to have a family, but are unable?
Our President has nominated Sonia Sotomayor to the Supreme Court. Kudos to him for nominating a minority woman to the bench. It's about time. However, we don't yet know her stance on abortion. Pay attention. Let your congressmen and women know how you feel about her confirmation as she reveals her thoughts. There are five Catholics on the bench of the Supreme Court of our land. Two are Jewish. The rest are Christians of Protestant denominations. There's another irony. This would seem to indicate a value for life, a respect for the Bible, and a call to obey our ten commandments; one of which says "Thou shalt not kill". I have always felt that if we all obey the "golden rule", "Do unto others what you would have them do unto you", the rest of the commandments would fall into that category and would be easy to follow. I don't think any of us would choose to have been aborted. Look around you and ask yourself "What if...that person had been aborted?". What would we have lost?
An unplanned pregnancy is inconvenient, difficult, and sometimes embarrassing. To compound it by taking the life of a child who was never given a choice isn't the answer. As women, we need to stand up and be heard. Women's rights have come full circle. Now we have too many. This year, 70% of the college graduates were women. Women are a powerful lobby. Somehow, we have to stick together as women and take care of our own, and nurture the lives of our babies. I do not condemn women who have chosen abortion. It's a difficult position to find yourself in and we have all made mistakes that are regrettable -- mistakes that can't be taken back. I do condemn those who make a profit by taking a life. If someone assassinates a president, he is sent to death row. What if one of those aborted babies was destined to be our president? Or perhaps a gifted musician who touched many lives, or a doctor who saved them? What if Mother Theresa, Martin Luther King, Ronald Reagan, Rosa Parks, Caesar Chavez, or our Pope had their lives taken early? Or what if they had never lived? I don't think, as mere humans, we have the ability or the right to make such "choices".
If a woman is in a car accident and is 8 months pregnant and her baby is killed, someone gets charged with manslaughter. If that same woman walks into Dr. Tiller's office for an abortion at 8 months gestation, we are told it's her choice and her "right" to terminate that life. Why is there a distinction in the same life? What's wrong with this picture? And what happened to the Hippocratic Oath,in which a physician makes a promise to "do no harm"? As a nation, we need to reassess our values and place some restrictions on the ability for anyone to make a hasty decision to take a life. Roe v. Wade, which defines our law of the land concerning abortion, is now opposed by the woman whose case brought it into being. Another irony. If we don't respect life, we can't expect our lives to be respected. What is the value of a life?
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Riley's Story
Many years ago, just out of college, I was an office manager in a neurology practice. I began there as a medical transciptionist and rose through the ranks until I managed two offices and the staffs for three docs. I worked there for seven years before I had my first child. Who knew what I learned there about neurological disorders would be invaluable 20 something years later?
My dog, Riley, is a vagabond. He showed up standing in my doorway one day a year and a half ago, while I was going in and out carrying groceries into the house. He is a big yellow lab at 102 lbs., with all of the exuberance of a puppy. When I saw him at my door, my first thought was that he'd notice the cats just inside and come rampaging in and chase them around and destroy my house. So, I firmly said "No, you can't come in" (in a probably less than intimidating voice). He backed up. I told him to sit down and he did. I told him to lie down and he did. I told him to sit up and shake and he presented his paw to me. This was obviously a dog who had been trained. I looked for a collar or identification and he had none. I didn't really know what to do with him. My daughter looked at me pleadingly and said, "Mom, can't we put him in the back yard with Bailey? We can't just leave him out here by himself -- he'll get hit by a car or something."
We are a family of strays, so I knew that we had to have a plan or he would be a stray no longer. I told her we'd keep him for a day or two while we located the family he obviously had to have. My children felt we shouldn't look very hard for his owners, calling them irresponsible, but I knew they had an ulterior motive, so I asked them how they'd feel if one of their pets was missing. Reluctantly, they helped. We looked for signs, posted some of our own, put flyers in the offices of the local vets, called the shelter, and went to PetSmart to put up a notice on the bulletin board. We looked in the local paper. Nothing. I wondered why someone wouldn't be frantically searching for this obviously well-cared for dog, who actually had manners. Of course, we couldn't just call him "dog", right? The kids were calling him "Riley" inside of an hour. I should have seen the writing on the wall. Over the course of the next week, we kept searching. No one was looking for him. I found that odd. We even searched and posted on the internet.
So, Riley became a member of the family. He's a great dog, although walking him is a challenge. He is perfectly content to stay on the sidewalk (like I said, he has manners!), however, for the first mile of a walk, he's basically pulling you along and you're holding on to the leash with all your strength to keep him from dragging your body down the sidewalk. After a while, his enthusiasm calms and walks like a gentleman. Not before you're exhausted though.
We found out a few months ago why Riley's owners either didn't look for him very hard, or perhaps even found a good neighborhood and let him out of the car. Riley is an epileptic. He has grand mal seizures. When a 102 lb. dog has a grand mal seizure, it's a major event. The first time my children witnessed it, there was pandemonium and they called me frantically wondering what to do. I thought perhaps they were mistaken until I saw it for myself. It's a pretty frightening thing to watch. We were worried that he would injure himself, so off to the vet we went and he was prescribed doggy Phenobarbital. For Riley, it's a wonder drug and, as long as he is given his meds on a regular schedule, he doesn't have seizures. Nonetheless, he will always be an epileptic and prone to having seizures. Our goal is to keep them to a minimum and hopefully almost eliminate them, although it will never be safe for him to operate a motor vehicle!
So, the moral of the story is that God gives you only what you can handle and prepares you for it. Sometimes, because He knows you can handle it, He gives you some extra joy. In our case, it came in the form of Riley.
My dog, Riley, is a vagabond. He showed up standing in my doorway one day a year and a half ago, while I was going in and out carrying groceries into the house. He is a big yellow lab at 102 lbs., with all of the exuberance of a puppy. When I saw him at my door, my first thought was that he'd notice the cats just inside and come rampaging in and chase them around and destroy my house. So, I firmly said "No, you can't come in" (in a probably less than intimidating voice). He backed up. I told him to sit down and he did. I told him to lie down and he did. I told him to sit up and shake and he presented his paw to me. This was obviously a dog who had been trained. I looked for a collar or identification and he had none. I didn't really know what to do with him. My daughter looked at me pleadingly and said, "Mom, can't we put him in the back yard with Bailey? We can't just leave him out here by himself -- he'll get hit by a car or something."
We are a family of strays, so I knew that we had to have a plan or he would be a stray no longer. I told her we'd keep him for a day or two while we located the family he obviously had to have. My children felt we shouldn't look very hard for his owners, calling them irresponsible, but I knew they had an ulterior motive, so I asked them how they'd feel if one of their pets was missing. Reluctantly, they helped. We looked for signs, posted some of our own, put flyers in the offices of the local vets, called the shelter, and went to PetSmart to put up a notice on the bulletin board. We looked in the local paper. Nothing. I wondered why someone wouldn't be frantically searching for this obviously well-cared for dog, who actually had manners. Of course, we couldn't just call him "dog", right? The kids were calling him "Riley" inside of an hour. I should have seen the writing on the wall. Over the course of the next week, we kept searching. No one was looking for him. I found that odd. We even searched and posted on the internet.
So, Riley became a member of the family. He's a great dog, although walking him is a challenge. He is perfectly content to stay on the sidewalk (like I said, he has manners!), however, for the first mile of a walk, he's basically pulling you along and you're holding on to the leash with all your strength to keep him from dragging your body down the sidewalk. After a while, his enthusiasm calms and walks like a gentleman. Not before you're exhausted though.
We found out a few months ago why Riley's owners either didn't look for him very hard, or perhaps even found a good neighborhood and let him out of the car. Riley is an epileptic. He has grand mal seizures. When a 102 lb. dog has a grand mal seizure, it's a major event. The first time my children witnessed it, there was pandemonium and they called me frantically wondering what to do. I thought perhaps they were mistaken until I saw it for myself. It's a pretty frightening thing to watch. We were worried that he would injure himself, so off to the vet we went and he was prescribed doggy Phenobarbital. For Riley, it's a wonder drug and, as long as he is given his meds on a regular schedule, he doesn't have seizures. Nonetheless, he will always be an epileptic and prone to having seizures. Our goal is to keep them to a minimum and hopefully almost eliminate them, although it will never be safe for him to operate a motor vehicle!
So, the moral of the story is that God gives you only what you can handle and prepares you for it. Sometimes, because He knows you can handle it, He gives you some extra joy. In our case, it came in the form of Riley.
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