Mixed Race Donors Needed

More and more, we are becoming a mixed race society. There are over 5 million mixed race Americans -- some Asian and Caucasian, some Hispanic and Native American, and some African-American and Caucasian and the list goes on. When a person of mixed race needs a bone marrow transplant, the donor pool becomes very small. People with leukemia, blood diseases, and lymphoma can't always find a match within their family. With people of mixed race, sometimes neither side matches due to the mix. This could also be a problem with an adopted child of mixed race. To find donor matches, typically the National Marrow Donor Program is contacted. With all of the possible ethnic mixes, finding a bone marrow donor can be daunting and sometimes all but impossible. There are lists of people waiting to find a donor. Many are children. If you are of mixed race or know others who are, please encourage them to go to the site of the National Marrow Donor Program at http://www.marrow.org/ and click on "be the match". Even cord blood can save a life. There is also a place to make contributions. The most important thing is to spread the word that people of every race are needed to help save lives. If one of our children were suffering, we would want everyone we know to be available and willing to help. How would you feel if you could save a life? You can.

Tragedy Strikes The Tyson Family

Another tragedy has occurred. The words "child" and "death" should never be used in the same sentence. I never liked Mike Tyson, but what happened to his family this weekend shouldn't ever happen to anyone. Exodus, his four year old daughter, was found unconscious by her brother, a treadmill cord wrapped around her neck. A freak accident, perhaps, but one which could have been prevented. It's easy to see how a treadmill could cause this to happen. If it was turned on, she may have had the cord on her neck and lost her footing. A four year old would never even be aware of the danger. Most treadmills have a cord that will detach and stop the treadmill if someone falls. However, it likely wasn't being used the proper way and no one was watching little Exodus. Her brother found her, after being told by his mother to check on his sister. The psychological trauma he must have suffered in finding and trying to save his little sister will likely be with him forever. The guilt a parent must feel for not being there at that precise moment is also something that will never go away.

There will always be dangers that children face. Basic household appliances, window coverings, or decorations can be fatal if a child is unsupervised. The cords from mini-blinds have been a culprit and have caused many deaths among children. Unfortunately, I know someone this happened to and they lost their infant daughter. They believed she was sleeping in her crib. They never had any thought about the cord dangling behind the crib which became a noose when she played with it and fell with it around her neck. How horrific it would be to find your child hurt or deceased from something so totally ordinary and, presumably, harmless. This is just another reminder of how important it is to know what your children are doing all the time, where they are playing, and what they are playing with. Kids aren't safe around pools, cords, or appliances that are plugged in. Make it a routine to pay attention to those things that surround your child. Get blinds with no cords. Supervise your children at all times or get a monitor. I think the death of a child is probably the worst thing that can happen in a person's life. We have to watch our kids carefully. We can't begin to protect them from the world if they are not safe in their own home.

The Difference You Can Make

The Associated Press reported an interesting fact today. Apparently, just before the current recession reared it's ugly head, the national birth rate went down. There has been a steep decline in the number of children under one year of age. Apparently, people do pay attention to their economic situation when planning a family. Of course, that translates into fewer children being placed for adoption, since fewer are born. Other disturbing reports indicate that the national abortion rate has increased dramatically. In his commencement speech to Notre Dame graduates, President Obama stated that "We need to make adoption more available". Please exercise your American right and write to Mr. Obama to tell him to put his money where his mouth is. Instead of funding more abortions, let's help fund adoptions and put some of that money into programs for single mothers, so that these children won't need to be aborted. I am reminded of the starfish story...where a little boy is walking along the shore throwing starfish back into the water before they dry up and die. A man approaches and says, "Why are you doing that? You see how many starfish there are? You can't possibly make a difference." The little boy bent down and picked up a starfish and flung it far out into the ocean. He smiled at the man and said, "Made a difference to that one!". We can all make a difference, as small and insignificant as we are -- but we have to make an effort, even a little one. Write your congress people and write Mr. Obama. What if that effort saved even a single life? The life you save may be the child who will eventually be yours.

Neighborly Reunion

Adoption reunions are always special, but usually adoptees find their birth parents through internet searches, private investigators, or postings in newspapers. Check out this story that has a very happy ending. What a great Mother's Day present for both Moms!

(Cut and paste this URL into your browser) There is a video on the site.

http://www.ktbs.com/news/New-neighbor-turns-out-to-be-brother-given-up-for-adoption-32192/#

Micro Preemies

Pick up a copy of People Magazine this week (May 18 issue) if you have a chance. There is a wonderful article on micro-preemies that is heartwarming. A full-term baby is born at 37-40+ weeks of gestation. A preemie is a baby who is born before 37 weeks gestation. Generally, a micro-preemie is defined as a baby born before 26 weeks gestation, however, babies born weighing under 3 lbs. or under 29 weeks are often referred to as micro-preemies as well.

According to the March of Dimes, prematurity (with it's complications including low birth weight) is the second leading cause of infant death (and the leading cause among African-Americans) in the United States. Preemies and micro-preemies may experience many complications, including immature lungs, underdeveloped digestive systems, reflux during feedings, neurological delays, anemia, high risk of infection, potential for brain hemorrhage, visual damage, and long-term health issues. While all that sounds ominous, current medical interventions are saving younger and younger preemies and they are doing better than in years past.

A micro-preemie born before 23 weeks gestation has a 0-10% chance of survival. Preemies born after 26 weeks have a 90% chance of survival. That is impressive given the odds just 20 years ago. The long term picture is getting better and better. That medical intervention can save babies who weigh less than 2 lbs. at birth is nothing short of miraculous.

Having worked in Labor and Delivery and Newborn Nurseries at several hospitals, I have seen infants born extremely early. Many not only survived, but did well. When my own son was born at 36 1/2 weeks gestation and with pneumonia, he was sent to Sharp Mary Birch Hospital in San Diego. While some would classify under 37 weeks as "preemie", my son weighed a whopping 9 lbs. 2 oz. He wasn't much of a preemie, but the pneumonia was nothing to sneeze at, so he spent a week in a very advanced neo-natal unit. This unit had 99 neo-natal warmers, fully equipped with the latest in resuscitative technology. The nursing was typically one nurse to two babies, except for the critical babies who had one or two nurses of their own. Pediatricians, Radiologists, Pathologists, Neonatal Neurologists and Lab Techs were ever-present.

Because my son was so big, nurses would stop by and say "What is HE doing here?". I wandered around and saw triplets just over a pound apiece, twins, and single babies, many weighing under 4 lbs. There was a "wall of fame" where the nurses posted their babies' progress and had follow up pictures from when they went home.

I can understand the reticence of adoptive families when they get a call to ask if they would consider adopting a preemie. While it may seem like a scary proposition, many don't have residual problems and grow up to lead healthy and productive lives. It's worth consideration. The word "preemie" doesn't necessarily equate to delays or medical problems. Even some micro-preemies grow up without residual, as shown in the article I mentioned in People Magazine this week. We've encountered relatively few micro-preemies during the adoption process, but many preemies and most have survived and are doing well. We have known one micro-preemie who expired because she was simply too premature and wasn't strong enough to make it (Hope is the name adoptive parents Kris and Misty gave her...and she inspired us all). But these little ones are fighters and they tend to surprise everyone with their ability to keep going and they get stronger and stronger.

The March of Dimes reports that every 8 seconds a baby is born in the U.S. Of those, 1,280 babies are born prematurely every day. 841 are born with low birth weight of under 5 lbs. Each day, 76 babies die before their 1st birthday. When you consider the number of premature births, it's amazing to consider how many of those premature infants live.

More than 1 in 27 babies are born to mothers who either started prenatal care late (3rd trimester) or had no prenatal care at all. While prenatal care is recommended and important, most of these babies are born healthy. Prematurity does tend to occur at a slightly higher rate with those who have not received prenatal care.

http://www.micropreemie.com talks about Gage, a cute little guy who was a micro-preemie, in case you want to get a mother's perspective. While prematurity is a concern, it's not always a deal-breaker and some of these preemies have a lot to offer and it is obvious that God has a plan for them and that they are here for a reason.

Happy Birth Mother's Day

Today is the second Saturday in May. While everyone will be celebrating Mother's Day tomorrow, some will be celebrating Birth Mother's Day today. Any adult adoptee knows that it took two mothers to nurture them into the person they are today. There is no competition and no comparing. They each have a major role in shaping one life. Birth mothers don't get much recognition. They seem to fade away after giving birth and placing a child in another woman's arms. It is a thankless job. But that's motherhood, isn't it? Mother's Day can bring sadness to those who aren't recognized for their own motherhood, no matter what type of mother they are -- birth mother, adoptive mother, or just plain mother.

As women, we should understand that any motherhood is worthy of recognition and celebrate it. Carrying a baby is hard. Giving birth is hard. Raising a child is hard. Motherhood is not for the weak-hearted. Every part of motherhood takes strength. There is joy, but there is also heartache. A priest once told me "Love equals sacrifice". Motherhood is the highest form of love, so it makes sense that it's also the highest form of sacrifice. I can't really think of any greater sacrifice than relinquishing a child and entrusting that child to someone else for a lifetime. If you are a mother, you understand this. If not, when you become a mother you will.

If you know a birth mother, celebrate her and recognize her sacrifice today -- and tomorrow too.

Miguel And The Adoption Scam

I won't lie. This has been a discouraging week. It's amazing how cynical adoption can make you. I can hardly blame my adoptive families for being nervous about every situation. I got a call today from "Miguel Coppola". He described a situation in which he and his girlfriend "Ana Llerena" had been living in a van with their 11 month old daughter, "Paula". I explained what we do and Miguel stated that they wanted to make an adoption plan. He stated that he had a job waiting a few states away in Indianapolis (now there is some irony). It was a matter of finding a way to Indianapolis and then he would work and support Ana and with Paula in an adoptive home, they could try to get back on their feet. Because there was no way to contact him back, he was instructed to call back in a couple of hours.

Upon contacting Elizabeth, our social worker in Missouri, I was informed that she had heard from Miguel the evening before. The story he told was a bit different. "Ana" had left for Argentina and he and the baby were fending for themselves and living in a truck. He wanted to get to Kansas, where he had work.

A fair amount of internet searching later, we found four other agencies who had been contacted and apparently Miguel had been using the same story for the past year (with a few deviations each time). I guess it's hard to remember the lies. I'm not sure how many have fallen for it and sent money.

I set out to put a stop to this particular scam. I called the police in the city where Miguel stated he could "pick up money at Western Union for the trip". I was ready to set up a sting in which he could be arrested while picking up money...or at the very least it could be determined that there was no danger to the baby who was being marketed to as many agencies as they could find on the web. Oh yes, they even told me they found us on the internet. There was an elaborate story about how they go to the library to do the research, because it is important to them. I bet it is! I spoke with two detectives. I was told that "these scams are a dime a dozen" and "there are thousands of these petty thieves around and we can't do anything about it unless it's murder or a major crime". There are no resources to track down criminals who are stealing merely hundreds at a time. Great. So, people who know the system can scam without fear of any retribution. Until we get a system in place to stop it, it will continue to happen.

I was disgusted at the time I had spent on a scam. I was frustrated with my lack of options. So, when Miguel called back I let him know that adoption agencies compare notes and talk and that everyone knew what they were up to. I explained that they were "wanted' in a number of states and that what they were doing was illegal. I confronted him about his name, which is the name of an actor (and probably where he got it). He had lots of excuses and I found it quite amazing that he continued the charade and tried to win me over to believing that it must be some other "Miguel". This is the dark side of adoption. In their case, I'm not even sure there is a baby. If there is, she is not in a good, safe place. She is being marketed to the highest bidder. I don't think they are placing a baby. If they are, it's a better option than growing up with parents who would scam vulnerable people and use their child to do it. They are giving birth parents a bad name and adoptive parents more to worry about. I wish I could believe they would grow a conscience, but I'm afraid if they did, there would be hundreds more who would follow in their footsteps. This is one of those days when working in the field of adoption is not what it's cracked up to be.

Native American Tribal Wealth And The Greed It Spawns

Congress is asking U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder to investigate five major American Indian tribes in Oklahoma. The investigation alleges that tribes have illegally expelled descendants of freedmen and has denied them federal education, housing, and health benefits. This has been an issue that has been brought up in California as well. Newly wealthy tribes (as a result of tribal gaming) are expelling members previously admitted for a variety of reasons. Some believe it is more related to greed than tribal eligibility. The Cherokee, Seminole, Creek, Choctaw, and Chickasaw tribes (historically called "the five civilized tribes") are some of the richest in the nation. They are being investigated for allegedly expelling tribal members who are black.

Mike Miller, a spokesman for the Cherokee Nation has said, "As the Cherokee Nation has explained to more than 100 members of Congress through meetings, this issue has never been about race, but only about who is a citizen of an Indian Nation". Of course, as citizens of an Indian Nation, one would be entitled to benefits and tribal monies.

In adoption, we have seen tribal discrimination first hand. I have yet to encounter a tribe willing to fight for a part African-American baby. They will let them go. However, if a Caucasian baby who is part Native American is to be placed for adoption, they may very well intervene. Isn't a part black child just as entitled to tribal benefits as a part white child if the amount of Indian blood is the same? And what does that say about the value that is placed on the life of a black child versus that of a white child? Discrimination lives and thrives in the tribal communities and, yet, how do they respond if a Native American perceives that they are the one being discriminated against?

It will be interesting to see how this plays out in Congress. Tribes are sovereign nations and, as such, want and are entitled to make all of their own rules and laws. So how, then, are they being held accountable? The fact is, they aren't. Greed has prevailed for too long and there is finally some light being shed on the issue. I hope the Department of Justice will review the matter and find a way to preserve the rights of the smallest Native Americans, whether black or white. The whole idea of making the determination based on race is offensive. Even though it is being denied, it is apparent. Adoption is just a small part of the issue. I wonder, too, when they will consider the birth mother's right to choose what she believes is the best path for her child, whether that be inside or outside the tribe. Tribal benefits and greed are currently the basis for life and lifetime decisions. That's a sad commentary and Native Americans should be outraged.

Write It Down - Journaling While You Wait

The overwhelming majority of our adoptive families come to us after a struggle with infertility issues. One adoptive mother told me that the treatment for her secondary infertility was "ten times worse than the hormonal mood swings you deal with during pregnancy". It's no wonder, then, that potential adoptive parents are stressed and nervous about adoption right from the onset. Several of our adoptive parents have used journaling to get through the rough time waiting to become parents. I think this is a great way to be pro-active and yet, more relaxed, during the inevitable time it takes to adopt. Journaling not only provides an outlet in which to vent feelings and frustrations, it also creates a living record of the emotions that you were feeling during your "pregnancy" whether it lasted nine months, nine weeks, or years. It is a document that shows your child, years from now, how much you ached to hold him or yearned to have her. It is a reminder of the things you learned along the way -- lessons that will assist you later in parenthood dilemmas. It's great practice for problem-solving that will come with mothering or fathering. You can take a journal with you to doctor visits to document your feelings and fears. You can take it on vacation so you can journal during reflective times and ponder emotions which may be in overdrive. Writing has always been an outlet for me. I think journaling is a healthy way to get through the anxiety and the wait and to remember the value we placed on parenting, long after we have become parents and the newness has worn off.