Nebraska gets it right!

I blogged recently about the Nebraska legal debacle regarding the "safe haven" law that had been enacted there. Nebraska was one of the last states to actually enact a safe haven law and the author of the original bill included any minor children through the age of 18. This created untold problems when, even as recently as last Thursday, teenagers were routinely being dropped off at hospitals there. One distraught father (his wife had died) left nine children on the doorstep of a hospital. Another complication occurred because the state of Nebraska stops taking children into foster care when they turn 18, and the law didn't account for this. Some teens who were between the ages of 18 and 19 were left there and couldn't be put into foster care. That created quite a dilemma. As a result, the Nebraska legislature convened in a special session last Friday to correct the law that was creating so much controversy and leaving children in the lurch. Once again, the author of the original bill modified it too far in the other direction, indicating a 3 day (72 hour) time limit from the birth to drop off the child in a safe haven location (police station, fire house, or hospital).

This didn't make much sense to me. It takes a fair amount of pressure, strife, or financial distress to bring anyone to the point where they feel there are no options other than to abandon their children. That doesn't usually occur in the first 72 hours of the child's life. Typically, they are in the hospital for most of that time. By the time they go home with their mother and the family runs out of formula, diapers, patience, or resources, it's long past that 72 hour limit. So, while the new version of the law may have saved a very few precious lives of children presumably born at home, the overall purpose of the law was, again, being overlooked.

Hearing about the special session, I blogged about it, and took it a little further, e-mailing all of the Nebraska State legislators with my personal opinion about appropriate time frames. My suggestion was 0-6 months, enough time for new parents to be overwhelmed and in a position to make such a decision. I received a number of responses, ironically (or not), mostly from the women legislators, who were very sympathetic. One senator asked me to come and speak before the special session. While I would have done that gladly had it been convenient and time-efficient, I was unable to make a commitment to do that. However, I did make sure all involved knew what the spirit of the law should be and why the time frames proposed were, in essence, preposterous.

The legislators met last Friday and, while they didn't approve what I had suggested (0-6 months of age), they did get a little more reasonable in their time frame. The end result was a safe haven law that allows parents to safely surrender their newborns up to the age of 30 days. I am not really sure how the age of the child would be determined if the identity of the child is unknown, and I do feel that the time frame still doesn't cover the need, however, they are moving in the right direction now.

So, a big Thanksgiving Thank You to those folks in Nebraska who took the time to reconvene the legislature during their off time to fix something that was broken. We are all thankful when the life of a baby(any baby) is saved. It's no small miracle and I am hopeful that, indeed, some little ones will benefit from this new law.

Holiday Blues

With Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year's fast approaching, the inevitable holiday blues will set in. Everyone wants their baby home for the holidays. It's a special family time and a new baby makes it all the more special. For adoptive families who are waiting, it's a very difficult time to be joyous and spread good cheer. How do you get through it without curling up in a fetal position in your bed and feeling dismal? First of all, you can do whatever you feel you can do. You are exactly the person you feel you are. If you feel you are a positive, happy person, that's the person you are. If you feel dismal and depressed, that's the person you will be. So, you have to make up your mind to be positive and joyous, knowing that even if your baby is not home with you prior to this year's holiday season, you will successfully adopt and next year you will be celebrating even more than you thought possible. Of course it's normal to feel sad at a time when you want so badly to have a baby to shower with gifts and love. Isn't Christmas (or Hannukkah) more meaningful if you can do special things for someone? Make it a point this year to go out of your way to do something really nice for someone who otherwise might not be experiencing a nice holiday season (someone in a nursing home, hospital, or in physical rehab, a vet, or someone who is ill). They are easy to find. You will always feel good inside when you do things for people who truly appreciate it and feel left out. This is how you can overcome those holiday blues you have while waiting. I want to hear about what you chose to do and I want to feature the good deeds in my newsletter and on my blog. Turn a difficult time into a time of joy. The more you give, the more you receive. I will do my best to get all of you home with your baby as soon as possible. In the meantime, make it your New Year's resolution to spread the joy. A wise man once told me "God will never let you outdo him in generosity". I live by that belief and I know if you choose to do the same, God will bless you richly. Keep me posted on your progress.

National Adoption Month - Celebrate Adoption

As we continue with National Adoption Month, please remember the birth mothers who have chosen to give life and make a sacrifice. In years past, adoption wasn't what it is today. I have spoken with women who were forced to make the decision to part with their child and it haunts them still. I once met a woman who gave birth at home and had her child taken away (by her father) and never knew what became of that child. She was afraid and intimidated and never spoke of it. She grew up not knowing and thinking the worst. She even assumed that her father had killed her baby. She grew to hate her father. After her father died, her mother told her where her child was (in an adoptive home) and she was able to reunite with that child and express to her how much she loved and cared for her, despite the circumstances. Thankfully, adoption today is much more open and above-board. Giving birth out of wedlock is not uncommon and not considered shameful. Adoptees are able to know their history and heritage and, at some point, even get to know their birth parents and siblings. This was unheard of even 30 or 40 years ago.

Adoption is becoming more celebrated and talked about than any time in history. On December 23, CBS will be hosting a special called "Home for the Holidays with Faith Hill". It will feature such stars as Melissa Etheridge, Tim McGraw, Jamie Foxx, and Gavin Rossdale performing. There will be inspirational stories of adoption by Martin Short, Rene Russo, Patricia Heaton, and Kristin Chenoweth. Let your friends and family know about this heartwarming special and celebrate adoption. A special thanks to all of the birth mothers who make adoption possible. Many families are born because of the selfless decisions of those who opted not to take a life, but to give it.

Happy Veteran's Day

It is Veteran's Day. Happy Veteran's Day to everyone who has served our country. My parents were both vets. My mother served in the WACS and my father served in the Marine Corps. Semper Fi! The marines are "the first in and the last out" and are some mighty brave people. Jim Sorenson - Thank you for serving our country.

As a part of your tribute to veterans today, please say a prayer for Marilyn Adams. Her husband, Brent, was killed in Iraq early in the war. Brent was a reservist who was called to duty and went willingly. He left a wife and young son at home waiting for him. He wasn't supposed to be in harm's way, but while in a convoy taking supplies to the troops, he was one of those soldiers killed by a roadside bomb. In an instant, lives changed. He was only one man, but his passing changed the lives of so many he knew. His life was celebrated by his family, his friends, his unit, and his work associates. I often think of him. Lives given for our freedom are never a waste, but I wonder how life would be different for Brent's family and the other families if he and all of the others who have died in this particular war were still among us. Our thank you's will never be enough, but if you know a vet, or the family a fallen vet, be sure to say "thank you" today.

Family Intervention

Adoptive families are often worried about a birth mother placing a child with them and then changing her mind. The fact is, in some cases, that can happen. The laws vary from state to state, but in some states there is a period of time in which the birth mother can change her mind for any reason or no reason at all. Family can be the deciding factor. If a birth mother's family is supportive of her decision, it will be easier for her to follow through. It's a difficult decision no matter what, but with family support she can get through it. When her family is opposed to the child being placed for adoption and they don't support her decision, this can cause problems at the time of the placement. The fear of being ostracised by her family may override her desire to place her child for adoption. This can be very stressful for a birth mother to endure and she may cave in to family pressure. This is understandable when her family is threatening to disown her or making her feel that she is not a good daughter or sister because she is not considering their wishes.

In reality, most birth mothers who are placing a child are doing so because they have no real family support, financial or physical. Often, a family who is pressuring a birth mother to keep the baby are promising her that help and support, and then it doesn't materialize. When that happens, she is faced with an even more daunting situation and may have to make the decision to place her child after bonding.

In adoptive families, family intervention in the decision making process can be equally as stressful. Some adoptive couples are comfortable with expanding their options and perhaps being open to multiple races or special needs. When family members hear about this, they interject their opinion and this can cause tension in the family and, at times, may cause the adoptive couple to change their mind about being so open, feeling that their family may not accept the new member.

In either case, family isn't going to be there doing the day to day tasks of raising an infant and much of the time their arguments go by the wayside once a decision has been made. However, family can unduly influence the decision-making process and this has to be considered in any adoptive situation. If family objects, it's difficult to move forward, but not impossible. The person(s) making the decision have to be able to remain strong and focused and understand that it is their life and their decision. Some are strong enough to stand up and make the decision that is best for them. Others simply can't withstand the pressure and they are then faced with challenges they never expected to have and decisions made for them. They are frustrated and resentful and this tends to cause strife within their family -- the very thing they didn't want to have in the first place.

Family dischord and dysfunction are factors that affect most birth mothers' decisions, whether to place or not to place. Family pressure can be influential in decisions made by adoptive couples as well. We encourage birth mothers and adoptive families alike to make the decision that is best for them, no matter what it is -- not what others want for them or pressure them to do. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences and the benefits of their decision and they are the ones who will have regrets if they don't do what is best for themselves.

Procrastination

Sometimes it seems easier to prolong the process of making decisions. We know what we should do, but we delay doing it, even when doing it would make life much more simple. It's human nature, but it holds us back. Fear is defined as; "The feeling or emotion of being afraid, whether the threat is real or imagined" and also as "concern or anxiety". No one likes to live in a state of anxiety. So why do we allow ourselves to linger in this state, rather than moving past it? That's a question for philosophy majors and psychiatrists everywhere. FDR said, "There is nothing to fear but fear itself". Most things we worry about will resolve themselves. Procrastination simply prolongs the inevitable -- the need to make a decision. It happens to people in all walks of life, but those who achieve their goals are not restrained by their fears. More often than not, our fears are exaggerated and unrealistic. Rarely are our worst fears realized.

In adoption, many times fear creates self-fulfilling prophecies. One couple I recall had a fear of not being chosen by a birth mother. They felt that, in their mid-40s, they were going to be considered "too old" to adopt. So they procrastinated. At some point, they realized that they weren't going to become parents by osmosis, so they finally signed up to adopt, some seven years after they first checked out the process. I can tell you from the perspective of an adoption professional that it's much harder to match a family in their 50's than one in their 40's. It's not impossible, but it's not easy. Add to that the fact that birth mothers have so many choices and it becomes quite the challenge. If they felt they might be considered "too old" at 45, I wonder why, at 52, they suddenly overcame their fear. The fact is, they didn't want to remain childless, no matter how old they were. They just complicated the process by waiting and delaying their decision. They stayed in limbo for 7 years. Do you know anyone who has done that?

It's easy to procrastinate. You don't know how cold the water is going to be until you jump in. Then, it's too late to worry about it. You're already in the pool. You can't get to the other side without first jumping in and swimming across. Sure it takes courage. You just have to decide where you want to be in the future. Do you want to be sitting there watching everyone else swim? Or do you want to take a chance and jump in? What is the down side? The fact is, you will do what you say you will do. If you say, "I can't do that", and you don't even try, you certainly can't. You may or may not make it to all of your goals, but there are plenty of people who won't let you drown. You can always set new goals and begin again.

If you consider that five years from now, you'll be in the same place (only older) than you are now unless you make the effort to change your circumstances, it's pretty much a no-brainer. Stories of courage don't happen because of people who choose to sit on the sidelines and allow others to determine their fate. Those who succeed failed many times before they achieved their best. Reach for the stars and you might just catch one.

Safe-Haven Laws and the Nebraska Debacle

Recently, in an effort to make it easier for women who have experienced unplanned pregnancy to safely surrender a child, and perhaps reduce the number of abandoned babies left to die in dumpsters or on doorsteps, Nebraska passed a Safe-Haven law. 48 states and Puerto Rico have already adopted these Safe-Haven laws, an incentive for overwhelmed parents to leave their newborns at a hospital, police or fire station, or another designated safe place. Typically, the laws designate that an infant up to one month old may be surrendered this way without repercussions to the parents.

Nebraska lawmakers apparently didn't review the fine print in these existing laws before enacting their own "safe-haven" guidelines. The Nebraska law provided safe-haven for any child under the age of 19, rather than specifying infants. A total of 26 older children have been left at Nebraska hospitals since July. Obviously those Nebraska lawmakers are either too young or too old to have teens at home. Any of us who have shared a domicile with a 14-year-old would know better! I don't think I've met the parent of a teenager who hasn't thought (perhaps just for an instant) about abdicating their parental responsibilities a time or two. Teenagers can be a challenge. In Nebraska, this little oversight in the wording of the law has caused a fair amount of chaos as teen after teen is "dropped off" for safekeeping at hospitals. The very law that was intended to keep parents from abandoning their babies, is causing them to abandon their teens.

In one case, a man left nine of his children at a hospital in Omaha. The Department of Health and Human Services officials stated they wouldn't take any children older than age 17. That leaves some of those abandoned in limbo. Where should they go? The Nebraska Legislature has called a special session to tackle the issue on November 14, at which time a bill will be introduced establishing a 3-day-old age limit. When will they learn? Isn't that going from one extreme to another? At 3 days of age, an infant has likely just been discharged from the hospital. The parent(s) won't feel overwhelmed by caring for that infant for a few days or weeks. Why not establish a 6 month limitation? Throwing the baby out with the bath water is not the solution!

Particularly if you live in Nebraska, but even if you don't, if you feel that 72 hours is too short a period of time for a parent to feel overwhelmed and choose to surrender her child, please e-mail the author of bill LB 157 as soon as possible. Please urge 3-6 months at least as a reasonable cut-off time frame. Safe-Haven laws are absolutely necessary and will save lives, however, this one is threatening to defeat it's own purpose a second time. I have already written an e-mail to Senator Arnie Stuthman at 'astuthman@leg.ne.gov'. Please join me in letting him know that while his intentions are good, this time limit is not. It is, perhaps, wise to let the other legislators in Nebraska know this as well so that they can respond appropriately to this urgent issue. These babies deserve our help.

And by the way, inevitably obnoxious teenagers all started out as those adorable babies! Be careful what you wish for! There's a "no return" policy!

Happy Birthday, Cody

This week the election has taken center stage and, for the first time in many years, perhaps because of the distraction, November 2nd came and went without too much sorrow. November 2nd, 1992 -- 16 years ago -- I lost my son. Cody Andrew came into this life and left it all in one fleeting moment. After having two healthy children, I had no reason to believe that my 23rd week pregnancy was anything but normal. One evening, I felt a lot of fetal movement -- really the first I had felt in the pregnancy -- and suddenly I was aware of the little life within me. I was happy and excited to go to my regularly scheduled pre-natal visit the next morning. It would be the day I would find out the gender of my child. I had a boy and a girl, so it didn't really matter, but I would be able to choose a name and think about all of the possibilities. My youngest had gone off to kindergarten and I was feeling the sting of an empty nest. I couldn't wait to have a new baby home to fill my days with the joy only a baby can bring.

When I arrived at the doctor's office, I was humming and reading the most recent Parent's Magazine. It was a beautiful day. I was called in and my doctor, a very sweet older gentleman, began the ultrasound -- the first I would have of this pregnancy. I could see the screen and wondered if I would be able to identify the gender without him telling me. As he scanned, he began to concentrate and focused on the screen, angling it back towards him. I was disappointed that I could no longer see what he was scanning. After a few moments, he stated, "I'm not seeing what I want to see, so we're going to switch from the doppler to the internal ultrasound". "Okay", I responded. Once he positioned the wand, he looked up and uttered the words that would keep echoing in my mind, "I'm so sorry, honey, but this baby doesn't have a heartbeat". At that moment, I think my own heart stopped. I felt frozen in time. I was there by myself.

I don't think I said much. I remember him hugging me and telling me he was so sorry. I got off the table and walked out of the building and across the street, passing my car in the parking lot, and heading for the hospital where I worked. I remember walking in front of a moving car and hearing the honk. I felt zombie-like. I walked in the front door and passed several people I knew who greeted me. It was all I could do to stay upright, so I said nothing as I proceeded down the hall to my unit -- Labor and Delivery. As I pushed the button that would open the double entry doors to the unit, I remember feeling like I was in a bad dream. I fell to my knees and I remember screaming. Someone said it sounded like a wounded animal, a primal scream.

All of the nurses working on the unit were my friends. They all came running and picked me up and took me to a labor room where they talked with me, sat with me, and prayed with me. One of my friends, a physician, came in and quietly explained that I would have to wait to go into labor and then deliver the baby. He knew I would likely at some point want to have another baby and didn't want to cause my cervix to become incompetent by forcing it open. Fetal demise happens occasionally, but late term fetal demise is not common. No one knows why he died. Perhaps a non-functioning placenta or an underdeveloped umbilical cord. I went home to wait. I can't explain what it does to you psychologically to carry around a dead baby. I was showing, so when I was out people I didn't know would come up and ask when I was due. Some would touch my belly. I knew I couldn't go into details without completely falling apart, so I would just give the due date and move on. It took a week before my body was ready to deliver Cody. I went into labor at 2:00 a.m. on November 2nd.

I went into the hospital and labored for something like 12 hours before he was born. So tiny he could fit in the palm of your hand, but the labor felt like a full term baby. My doctor asked if I wanted to have a D&C. I couldn't even conceive of it. I needed to see him, to hold him, and to bury him. I had quite a support system in my friends there. Sharon, Jana, Margie, and an angel on earth, Annie. They stayed with me, prayed with me, and helped me deliver Cody and say goodbye over the course of those 12 hours. He was tiny, but perfect with all of his parts intact. His skin was almost transparent, but his features were delicate and he looked peaceful.

I can't even say I regret the experience all of these years later. It was, of course, very traumatic, but Cody taught me more without ever walking on this earth than any other person, child or adult, friend or teacher, has taught me in my lifetime. I view his death as God's will. Cody fulfilled his mission here on earth. He taught me what it feels like to be a birth mother with empty arms. He taught me what it feels like to be unable to deliver a full-term healthy baby. He taught me about grief and how to deal with it. He taught me that you can't take life for granted. He taught me who my true friends were. He taught me that there were people in my life who weren't true friends. He taught me how to tell the difference. He taught me how precious life is and how sometimes we don't think about others who are grieving because we are caught up in our own lives. He taught me what is important and what is not. He taught me that we all have a purpose and how important it is to fulfill that purpose. In retrospect, he did everything he needed to do before he went to be with God.

After his funeral, when leaving the cemetery, I had a sudden urge to go back to the grave site. I knew it was time to go and it felt a little crazy asking my husband to turn the car around so I could go back. But the urge was so strong, I insisted. When we got back to the little clearing surrounded by woods where my parents are buried, I was stunned at what I saw. There, on top of Cody's newly dug grave, were a family of deer. A beautiful 8 point buck stood guard while an adult female munched on the fresh flowers atop my son's grave. At her feet was a tiny fawn, still not totally sure on his feet, gingerly nibbling on the flowers. It was a sight I'll never forget and, in case I do, I have pictures that I was able to snap. I saw that as a message from my family -- "Cody is fine here with us"...my mother and father had him safely within their arms. When my children asked me why Cody had to die, I told them "because Grandma and Grandpa needed to have a grand baby to love and hold in Heaven".

Cody will always be my son, just as surely as my children who have grown to adulthood. It was a privilege to have witnessed an angel taking flight. Happy Birthday, son.

Adoptions and Elections - VOTE!

Not only is November National Adoption Month, but it's also the month we elect our next president. No matter who you are voting for, make it a point to go out to the polls if you haven't already mailed in your ballot. We can't complain about our policy makers if we don't vote. For those of us involved in adoption -- either through family ties or emotional ties -- this is a critical vote. There is one pro-"choice" candidate and one pro-life candidate. I've talked about abortion in this blog before and you can go to the archives to see what I have to say about it, but suffice to say that life should come before "choice". I haven't met anyone who would choose to be aborted. I haven't met anyone who was happy about their "choice" to abort. On the contrary, I have spoken with many women who are forever traumatized by their decision. It's one of those decisions you can never take back. Anyone who has had children can look at one of them and understand the ramifications -- it could have been that one. Today's world is different than the world our parents or grandparents grew up in. It's acceptable to be single and pregnant. There is no shame in carrying a child to term, so there is no reason to kill a child to rectify an error in judgment. The child didn't make the error and had no choice at all. So, when you go to the polls tomorrow, think long and hard about how many lives you can save by simply casting your ballot. I don't think it matters whether you are republican or democrat, man or woman, Catholic or Protestant. You can change the world one life at a time. WWJD?