Adoption Issues - Child Sexual Predators Have Rights Too

Dear Friends and Adoptive Parents:

One of our adoptive families needs your help. While we didn’t participate in this particular adoption, all of us who believe in adoption and the best interest of children should be concerned. This is the nightmare of any parent. Please do what you can to spread this message, ask for laws to be written or changed, notify the media if you have connections, send others to our blog, where it will be posted. Especially those of you in PA can help. This is urgent and needs your attention. Please share with any other adoptive parents or child advocates that you know. Feel free to e-mail Kristin (below) to let her know you are working behind the scenes on her family’s behalf. If each one of us makes a small effort, the result will be big.

Tina Tyra
Executive Director
A Labor of Love Adoptions

Please read this letter written by Kristin.

"To all those who care for children:

As I sit, in the quiet and peace of a spring evening, I am puzzled by what to write to move your hearts to join our fight. Just as I am about to close my laptop, frustrated, I simply look to our baby sleeping peacefully. Please picture in your mind a small baby, just months old, safe and loved in a secure home. She breathes in and out, oblivious to the wrongs in this world because right now she is loved without abandon. She is clean, happy, fed, maybe a little spoiled, and has an unbelievably bright future ahead of her. She smiles in her sleep, and I think to myself how blessed we are to have her in our lives. Her hair shines with a gleam of auburn by lamplight, and I think her eyes will be blue, like mine. I know in my heart that there is no difference between parenting a biological child and an adopted one. In this moment, the world seems right.

Now, picture another side of our country’s reality. Picture innocent children, being taken advantage of by the most despicable form of humanity; those who commit crimes against children. Picture our baby, who was so lovingly placed in our arms by her birth mother, taken away to a life which will very likely revolve around crime, drugs, sexual assault, and neglect. You may think to yourself, “This would never happen!” Think again, because it happens every day. It is a sad fact that our criminal justice system has not caught up to the explosion of child pornography, rape, assault, and molestation, partially due to the availability and anonymity found within the internet.

At this time in our country, we have a crisis. This crisis revolves around our children. The crimes against our most innocent, vulnerable citizens are on the rise, and our current criminal justice system is not equipped to deal with this new generation of criminals. We ask that you read our story, and contact your local lawmakers to push for new laws to protect our kids. Make phone calls, write letters, and speak out for those who can’t speak for themselves. Ask for laws that remove parental rights of those who have committed crimes against children such as rape, assault, and child pornography. Do you know that men who have raped and assaulted females under the age of 13 are walking the streets and claiming they have the right to seek sole physical custody of a child? Our child’s birth father has pleaded guilty to this and other crimes, and our criminal justice system seems to want to hand him a new victim on a silver platter, simply because he is the “biological” father. Let’s make a difference and save our baby and many others before we read about them as a tragedy in the newspaper or hear about it on television.

Our family has been waiting to adopt a baby for 3 ½ years. In January, we met with a birth mother who selected us to care for her baby. Her reasons were many, but two were primary concerns. First, she wanted the very best of everything for her baby, and at that time, she could not provide it. Secondly, she wanted to protect the baby from the birth father, who is a convicted sex offender on Megan’s List. We agreed to be the baby’s parents and waited in excited anticipation for the birth. Initially, when the birth father was first notified, he resisted the idea of the adoption, but after the baby was born he asked our attorney to come up to the jail where he was incarcerated and “talk about everything.” Our attorney told us that he knew we had the baby and did not resist. He asked her if we would send letter, pictures, and possibly even a DVD. He told her he was probably going to sign the papers when he got out the following the week.

Since that time, he has filed for custody, which forced our birth mother to revoke her consent. We presently still have physical custody of the baby. We are told by our attorney, that our chances are slim because we have no rights and he is the biological father, therefore, he has rights to his child. The rights of the baby or the birth mother are not being considered. We are currently in a court battle to hopefully gain “standing” so we can gain the rights of parents to fight for the baby’s best interests. Does it seem crazy to you that the current justice system allows a man who has raped children (by his own admission) and has multiple charges for crimes against children including child pornography, to file for custody of a baby girl? What good is Megan’s Law Website if we do not use it to protect the children? We are ready to fight the fight for our baby, alongside her birth mother, but really, who are we compared to a pedophile with parental rights? His rights supposedly supersede everyone’s, including the child’s best interest. He is supposed to be incarcerated again, in the near future, for child pornography and yet our fight for our baby continues, with his rights supposedly prevailing.

Please, picture that baby sleeping peacefully, and join us to help keep her happy and healthy. We ask you to please, contact your local representatives, lawmakers, and even news media. Write letters, make phone calls, pray, and spread the word that our children need protection from these predators. Ask them to create and push for laws to take away the rights of sex offenders to hurt more innocent victims. Stricter and more specific laws are needed for these types of crimes. Our dear ones must be protected. Please join us in our fight. If every person writes one letter and forwards this e-mail to just a few more people, we can make a difference. Our daughter and other babies need your help to keep them safe from sexual predators, biological or otherwise."

Sincerely,

Eric and Kristin
e-mail: awaitingfamily@hotmail.com

Baby Blessings

John Travolta and Kelly Preston are Hollywood's elite. Everyone knows them, but they are just like everyone else. They experience the same joys and sorrows as everyday people. Last year, we were all saddened by the loss of their 16-year old son, Jett, after a particularly severe seizure in which he struck his head and was killed. It was revealed that he had medical issues including autism. John and Kelly were extremely close with their son, as they are with daughter, Ella. Last week, they suffered another family tragedy. Their two beloved dogs were struck and killed by a vehicle on a tarmac while waiting to board a plane. They were leashed and had no where to run. Amidst all of this tragedy, a ray of hope. The couple announced Tuesday that Kelly, now age 47, is pregnant. They have had their share of heartache and they deserve a blessing in their lives. Congratulations John and Kelly.

Adoption - Welcome Home Abby & Ella!

I received a wonderful e-mail regarding Mother's Day and wanted to share it with everyone. It truly made me smile. This is what can happen when you're waiting for one newborn! Amy & Bob waited a while and were, I suspect, getting a little discouraged about the adoption process. And then it happened. We got a call from a young lady in Alaska who couldn't manage the four children she had and wanted a good home for her youngest, twin girls. Because they were not newborn, we sent a message to our families asking who would be interested. We received a fairly large response and the birth mom had quite a few good choices. She chose Bob and Amy and while I don't normally recommend adopting children older than your youngest, I knew that this was a good fit and that it would work. On so many levels, it was a perfect match and it's been a fairly seamless transition. This from Amy...

"Dear Tina -

Mother's Day was fantastic! Who would have thought last year at this time that I would be the mother of three? Not me!

The girls are doing very well. They have both adjusted nicely to their new names, new room, new family, new everything. They are so resilient! We have made our first trip to the pediatrician, to the dentist, and to have them evaluated developmentally. Everything has gone well. Both girls are working with a speech therapist and they are already speaking volumes better than when they first got home two months ago. It's hard to believe it has been two months -- Wow!

I think Garrett has finally realized that his sisters are here to stay. It is really neat to watch them interact. Garrett and Ella both have a very physical approach to playing. They enjoy being outside, running, climbing, and physically immersing themselves into everything they do. Garrett and Abby, on the other hand, play more make believe stuff. They play house together, in their play kitchen and with little people, etc. They all laugh hysterically together, which brings us such joy! At the end of dinner, they break into songs -- everything from the ABC song to Jesus Loves Me to Row Row Row Your Boat (none of which the girls had ever heard before). They sing at the top of their lungs and clap wildly for each other. Heaven!

When we first got home, we had a variety of friends who brought us meals every night. What a blessing! My mom came and stayed with us for a month too. That was helpful beyond words! We had people we didn't even know dropping off toys, clothing, etc. In fact, I was at a Tastefully Simple party and a woman there heard me talking about the twins and said, 'Hey - I know you! I heard about your story on my prayer chain. I've been praying for you since February!' Can you believe that? Talk about goose bumps.

Obviously I could go on and on. I can tell you this -- We cannot imagine our lives without Abby and Ella. They are such a perfect fit! They have already brought so much to us and to our family. We are blessed beyond measure."

I can picture the kids singing and clapping for each other. In the pictures, you can just see the joy on their faces. This is what family is all about. Welcome to your family Abby & Ella!

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

Adoption Issues - Special Needs and Older Child Adoptions

I've discussed recently the challenges of adopting older children. There is no real road map for parenting, but adopting a child who has special needs or has been through traumatic experiences can be particularly difficult. There are books that can help navigate the process and give some guidance and hope. Every child should have the opportunity to live, learn, and grow with love. If you are planning to adopt or are already parenting a child who may have ongoing difficulties with feelings of abandonment, separation, or who has special needs, you may benefit from these books. I would love to hear from those of you who have experiences with reactive attachment disorder or issues relating to the feeling of abandonment related to being adopted. The more we know, the better we can parent these children.

Adoption Issues - Confusion Over Agency/Facilitator Options

Often times potential adoptive families will want to know the difference between facilitation and full service agency adoption. It's hard to navigate all of the options of adoption when trying to compare apples to oranges, so I thought I'd clarify what I can. Since I facilitate on a regular basis, but also do full service agency adoption, I think I can clear up a few misunderstandings.

Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.

As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.

With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.

Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.

Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.

On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.

All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.

The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).

I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.

Protect Our Children - Buy American

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is screening imports from China for children's jewelry said to contain cadmium. Cadmium is a carcinogen and is highly toxic. Symptoms of cadmium exposure may start hours after the exposure and may include cough, irritation of the nose and throat, headache, weakness, dizziness, fever, chills, and chest pain. More prolonged exposure can result in poisoning the liver and kidneys with kidney failure. Kidneys can shrink and kidney damage due to cadmium is irreversible. There can be a loss of smell. Bones can also be affected, losing bone mineral density and causing risk of fracture and bone weakness. In extreme cases, mere body weight can cause fracturing of the bones.

There has been a voluntary recall of 19,000 "Best Friends" charm bracelets made in China. They have been sold at a chain of jewelry and accessory stores called "Claire's", found in many malls. There are over 3,000 Claire's stores. The jewelry contains high levels of a toxic metal - cadmium. Federal regulators are checking other imported jewelry from China to determine of there are other instances of the same metal being used for jewelry items for children. Children put jewelry or items they play with in their mouths.

If you know of anyone who has purchased jewelry at Claire's, please make them aware of this recall. In the U.S., toys, jewelry, and all consumer items are regulated and anything with cadmium or other known toxins is not allowed to be manufactured and sold. For some reason, imports from China and other foreign countries are not scrutinized as closely and they are making their way into our markets. There is one simple solution to this problem. It would go a long way to keeping our children safe and may even turn around our problems with employment and the economy. Look at labels and be aware. Buy American.

The Adoption Duggars - A Day in the Life

We've all heard of the Duggars -- the family on TLC with "19 Kids and Counting". Well it's Mother's Day this weekend, so that family does come to mind, but so does another one. I call them "The Adoption Duggars". Parents Michelle and Jim Bob are replaced by Katie and Dale. Katie was an only child and is making up for that big time. I've known Katie since the early days, just after she adopted two sets of siblings. Her first foray into motherhood came in her mid-30s when she adopted six children at once, four girls and two boys, all around the ages of 9, 10, and 11. Now the pre-teen era isn't pretty, but when you have six kids all the same age range, well, it makes me wonder how Katie still has hair, much less the waist-length tresses she sports. I'm not even going to talk about hormonal changes here (kids, not mom!).

Once those children grew older, they adopted again. This time a set of triplets and their sibling sister. I'm not sure Katie knows how to parent in small numbers. She was so used to multi-tasking by this point that she just took it all in stride. Humor punctuates the mix. It would have to. After the triplets came the desire for an infant, since they had never parented a baby. One lonely baby boy later, they adopted another sibling group of three young boys -- ready made playmates. At fourteen kids, you'd think that hearts and hands would be full, but wait! They had never parented a baby girl, so the search was on. That adoption happened on the day before Halloween last year. Just after they found out that their baby daughter was on the way, they got unexpected news. They had previously applied to adopt in Ethiopia to save a child. They felt that they could make a difference in one child's life. Not only did they receive news that they had been approved to travel to Ethiopia, they found out they were getting twins!

So, our "Adoption Duggars" have children who are 24, 23, 22, 22, 21, 20, 16, 14, 14, 14, 9, 7, 6, 6, 8 months, 8 months, and 6 months. This includes one set of fraternal triplets and one set of identical twins, the last of which are paired with a baby their age making them pseudo-triplets. The score is girls 9, boys 8.

I asked Katie what her typical day was like. Mistake. I got tired just reading about it. She sent me her itinerary for May 1. It goes like this...one son has community service 9:00am-1:00pm; four youngest boys have dance 11:30am-12:00pm. Daughter has dance 12:00pm-2:30pm. Two daughters, aunt, and three baby girls, along with mom have a mother/daughter tea to attend from 11:00am-1:00pm; 16 year old has a formal dinner to attend so there is hair, make-up, dress, corsage, etc. Must be at school by 4:00 pm; One daughter has to attend awards banquet at school from 5:00pm-7:00pm with Mom and Dad (highest GPA award in her grade level-9th); Oldest son has to be to work 7:00am-2:00pm; another son has to work from 9:00am-3:00pm; daughter works 5:00pm-9:30pm; 16 year old has to be picked up from formal at 11:00pm. Katie classifies herself (among other things) as the "air traffic controller". She coordinates rides to and from all activities. That's no small task when you filter in that anyone taking the younger children must drive the big van. While there are four drivers in the house (some of the kids are on their own), there are three vehicles and with all the taxi rides going back and forth, it takes a fair amount of logistical planning just to get everyone to and from their activities.

This is just one day in the life and doesn't include dental and doctor visits, football or baseball sign-ups (birth certificates in hand), drama team practice, bell choir practice (national competition) at church, girl scouts, volunteering, college classes and school graduations (college, trade school, high school, and kindergarten!), end of year programs, and normal activities like grocery shopping and laundry. Laundry -- four washers and four dryers -- need I say more?

Seriously, I had trouble getting one or two kids out the door and to school on time each morning. I can't even imagine the logistics! I told Katie that I thought perhaps she must be buying energy drinks in bulk. Her response was that she drinks McDonald's sweet tea. I don't know what's in that stuff, but it must be pretty powerful! I'm gonna have to try it. After all, I still have one left in the nest.

Katie is having a bit of Mom withdrawal, having just sent one son off to boot camp with mixed emotions. Even one little birdie leaving the nest is stressful!

So, again this year, Katie gets my vote for Mother of the Year. She does crazy amounts of work, all while managing a job and she does it with humor. Dale is no slouch either, caring for the kids when Mom is working. They have it all down to a science. They get where they need to be and no one misses a thing. They even traveled to California to go to a wedding and Disneyland (before the babies) and I marveled at their level of efficiency. Each child had a backpack and a pillow. Katie and Dale had one suitcase full of blow up beds. A trip to McDonalds? 30 Hamburgers please! It never mattered to Katie and Dale what race or gender the kids were. The only criteria was "Do they need us?".

On this Mother's Day, my hat is off to Katie, and all of those other mothers out there with big or small families. Mom is the cog in the wheel -- the one person needed to make everything work. When you contemplate motherhood, with all of it's challenges and sleepless nights, think of Katie and you'll realize you can do it!

Abortion Law - Oklahoma Gets it Right

Today Oklahoma's new anti-abortion law was temporarily blocked while it is reviewed for constitutionality. In my view, the law is a good one and will be allowed to stand. The Center for Reproductive Rights is arguing to have it struck down. It stands to cut into their profits as abortionists. The Oklahoma law seems to be the bridge that has been needed for a long time. While many people nation-wide are reluctant to completely disallow abortion in favor of maternal right to choose, this law allows the mother to choose, with a caveat.

Before undergoing an abortion, under this new law, a mother would have to have an ultrasound, see the beating heart, and hear about the stage of development of her child. She should know this before terminating a pregnancy. It's a medical fact and shouldn't we all be informed before any surgical procedure?

While this new law is among the strictest in the nation, it makes the most sense. In counseling women who were post-abortion, I have heard many times, "I had no idea what I had done until I got pregnant again. I didn't know that the heart was beating in the first trimester. I didn't know that the baby was fully formed. What did I do?". In abortion, there is as much psychological damage as physical damage -- sometimes more. So making sure that women know what they are doing seems prudent and is in keeping with the overall care of the mother.

When a woman undergoes any medical procedure, her physician is required to describe the procedure and the risks to her. Why should abortion be any different? It's different because given the information and viewing an ultrasound would likely change the minds of many who are considering abortion. This would put a big kink in the budgets of family planning clinics around the country. Some people couldn't afford the new cars and perks. Abortion is big business and big profit. It's less about womens rights and more about selling them the alternative -- an alternative that means some people get wealthy from others' mistakes. Planned Parenthood and The Center for Reproductive Rights have a lot to lose. They're defending their way of life. Now there is an irony.