Family Intervention

Adoptive families are often worried about a birth mother placing a child with them and then changing her mind. The fact is, in some cases, that can happen. The laws vary from state to state, but in some states there is a period of time in which the birth mother can change her mind for any reason or no reason at all. Family can be the deciding factor. If a birth mother's family is supportive of her decision, it will be easier for her to follow through. It's a difficult decision no matter what, but with family support she can get through it. When her family is opposed to the child being placed for adoption and they don't support her decision, this can cause problems at the time of the placement. The fear of being ostracised by her family may override her desire to place her child for adoption. This can be very stressful for a birth mother to endure and she may cave in to family pressure. This is understandable when her family is threatening to disown her or making her feel that she is not a good daughter or sister because she is not considering their wishes.

In reality, most birth mothers who are placing a child are doing so because they have no real family support, financial or physical. Often, a family who is pressuring a birth mother to keep the baby are promising her that help and support, and then it doesn't materialize. When that happens, she is faced with an even more daunting situation and may have to make the decision to place her child after bonding.

In adoptive families, family intervention in the decision making process can be equally as stressful. Some adoptive couples are comfortable with expanding their options and perhaps being open to multiple races or special needs. When family members hear about this, they interject their opinion and this can cause tension in the family and, at times, may cause the adoptive couple to change their mind about being so open, feeling that their family may not accept the new member.

In either case, family isn't going to be there doing the day to day tasks of raising an infant and much of the time their arguments go by the wayside once a decision has been made. However, family can unduly influence the decision-making process and this has to be considered in any adoptive situation. If family objects, it's difficult to move forward, but not impossible. The person(s) making the decision have to be able to remain strong and focused and understand that it is their life and their decision. Some are strong enough to stand up and make the decision that is best for them. Others simply can't withstand the pressure and they are then faced with challenges they never expected to have and decisions made for them. They are frustrated and resentful and this tends to cause strife within their family -- the very thing they didn't want to have in the first place.

Family dischord and dysfunction are factors that affect most birth mothers' decisions, whether to place or not to place. Family pressure can be influential in decisions made by adoptive couples as well. We encourage birth mothers and adoptive families alike to make the decision that is best for them, no matter what it is -- not what others want for them or pressure them to do. They are the ones who have to live with the consequences and the benefits of their decision and they are the ones who will have regrets if they don't do what is best for themselves.