Adoption Services or Baby Selling?

As an adoption professional, we network with other adoption facilitators, agencies, and attorneys in order to locate families or birth mothers for specific situations.  With the recent rise in abortion rates and drop in the national birth rate, there have been fewer situations overall for everyone.  I think that is responsible for some desperation in the adoption world.  Lately, I have been stunned at some of the e-mails that have arrived in my in box.  Typically, the birth mothers have their choice of families (as it should be), but a recent e-mail outlined a situation with an agency in which a Caucasian baby boy was being placed for adoption.  After a mind-boggling list of exorbitant expenses, the child could be had for a mere $42,000.00.  I am baffled.  How is this not baby selling?  Is it simply because an agency is offering the situation?  The note insinuated that anyone interested and prepared to pay the fees could have the closed situation.  Another e-mail offered a special needs baby for a fee of $32,000.00.  Since when did we put a price tag on infants?  While I am well aware that there are legitimate expenses including agency expenses and fees, and some potential birth mother expenses (none of those fees were for medical, by the way), these fees are way out of the ballpark.  In the past, we have charged zero for special needs situations, just as a means to find a good family for a hard to place infant.  That someone would charge such obviously inflated fees to families willing to take on a challenge is amazing to me.  Why does it seem that adoption has become so outrageously expensive?  Every agency and facilitator I know is struggling with the downturn in the number of adoptions, but fees up into the 40K and 50K range that used to be unheard of are becoming all too common.  We need to have some national adoption laws because leaving it up to the states has been a fiasco.  Adoptive parents in Indiana don't have the same rights as adoptive parents in California, and birth mothers in Pennsylvania and Ohio aren't able to get the support that those in Nebraska or Missouri do.  We won't even talk about birth father rights in Utah since they are basically non-existant.  I think caps on the amounts that can be charged need to be in place, as well as some uniform laws about offering situations on line for specific fees.  All agencies have or can locate families to adopt if fees are reasonable.  There is no need for a baby to go to the highest bidder.

APGAR Scores - What are they?

When a baby is born, there is an assessment made by the doctor or nurses attending the baby.  A score is given for each of five categories to determine the health of the baby.  Typically, the assessment is made right away and again five minutes later.  So, you may see an APGAR score of 8/9, meaning the first and second assessment.  The top APGAR score is a 10.  Most babies don't achieve that on the first assessment, but if the scores are on the higher end, then things are looking good.  Here is how APGARS are scored.

A = ACTIVITY (or muscle tone)
P = PULSE
G = GRIMACE (or reflex irritability/response)
A = APPEARANCE (or skin color)
R = RESPIRATION (breathing)

When assessing each category a score of 0, 1, or 2 is given, ie:

ACTIVITY - Absent = 0, Arms & Legs flexed = 1, and Active Movement = 2
PULSE - Absent = 0, Below 100 beats per minute (bpm) = 1, Above 100 bpm = 2
GRIMACE - No response = 0, Grimace = 1,  Sneezes, coughs, or pulls away = 2
APPEARANCE - Blue/gray, pale all over = 0, Normal except for extremities = 1, Normal all over = 2
RESPIRATION - Absent = 0, Slow/irregular breathing = 1, Good breath, crying = 2

After a child is born and the nurse has taken the baby to the warmer or the nursery, these tests are performed and a score is assigned.  If a child is born not breathing, he or she may have a very low APGAR at first.  Once the baby has been resuscitated, the APGAR will be considerably better, although it may take more than 5 minutes for the baby to completely pink up and have good reflexes.

It is important for the caregivers to immediately assess the newborn in order to provide proper care and make sure that the baby is healthy and, if assistance is needed, provide breathing or other support.  For adoptive parents, waiting in the hall or even if they are in the room during delivery, it may feel a little like looking into a fishbowl, from the outside looking in, and wondering what is going on.  Now, when you hear what your baby's APGAR Score is, you'll know how to interpret it and why it's so important for the medical professionals to obtain it.

The Name Game Follow Up - Celebrity Babies

David and Victoria Beckham had a baby today. She is the first girl after three boys, and many were waiting to hear what name the Spice Girl had bestowed upon her.  It is spicy...Harper Seven Beckham.  Seven is a curious middle name and after David Beckham had posted the name, comments ranged from "interesting" to "What were they thinking?".  Seven isn't so bad.  Seven was the number on Beckham's jersey when he played soccer in England.  If they were merely considering it, perhaps the fact that she was born at 7:55 a.m. on 7-11-11 and weighed 7 lbs. 10 oz. helped take the name over the top!  It does seem that seven is her lucky number. 

Celebrities continue the trend of picking unique names for their little ones.  That can be a double edged sword, but the Beckhams seem to have achieved uniqueness without getting too crazy with it.  Kate Hudson had a baby boy as well.  What will it be Kate?  And speaking of Kate...bets are already being made on the name of the first royal baby born to William and Kate.  Of course, with them, tradition will likely dictate that it will be named for a previous royal.  There's no explaining the intense fascination with English royals here in the U.S.  As we speak, William and Kate are touring Southern California and wowing the locals.  The Royal Baby watch is on.  What do you think of celebrity baby names?

There Is No Justice

I want to believe that our justice system works.  I really do.  But I think that's just a fantasy we all believe in order to pass for a civilized society.  O.J. taught us to doubt.  Casey taught us that there is no justice.  Jose Baez took the case for free to make a name for himself.  He certainly did that.  Who knew the name Jose Baez before this trial?  Apparently it's all a game.  In this game, Baez wins and a baby loses.  Baez will go down in the judicial history books for being able to get a guilty client off free and clear.  It doesn't seem to bother him that he is defending someone who patently lies and has no conscience.  Casey didn't really win.  She may be free to move about the country, but she will never be free of the stigma.  At some point, karma will catch up with her.   Her parents didn't win.  They lost a granddaughter.  If people stood outside their home with "baby killer" signs before, what happens now that Casey will likely be freed? 

I asked my son what he thought of the announcement and what it taught him.  He said, "It taught me that anyone can kill a child and lie and get away with it".  If she was guilty of lying and they knew it, then how could her defense be believable?  Three years and a tremendous amount of money and manpower wasted.  Could the jury not see what the rest of the world saw?  Or did they just want to get home after two months of being sequestered?  After the verdict was read, Jose Baez stated that he was going to go home and tell his little daughter that he saved a life today.  He did save the life of Casey Anthony.  Too bad he wasn't there to save Caylee's life.  After all, isn't his reputation for winning more important than the life of a child?

Racism In Adoption

Today I want to share an article from a guest blogger, Jen Lane, who is both a biological and adoptive parent.  She has adopted trans-racially and shares a unique perception about racism as it relates to adoption.  I think Jen is insightful and knowledgeable in sharing her story.

"It wasn't until I brought home our most precious African American child five years ago, I realized...although slavery was abolished in 1863....racism still exists.

At the time, I lived in a city of over 100,000 people. I had been around diversity all my life. My best friend in elementary school was African American.  My brothers best friends -- Indian. My best friend in High School -- Mexican. My entire life I have shared friendships with diverse people; Korean, Vietnamese, those of middle eastern decent, and many others.   

My husband of nearly twenty years is Peruvian.  And although I have blond hair, green eyes, and am from Norwegian decent, I never really witnessed many issues concerning ethnicity.  Our biological children, who are bi-racial, were completely undaunted that they were a blend of two races while growing. If anything, they are now proud of their diversity.


But for some reason, it all changed when this fair-skinned mom in her 30's started carrying around our African American adopted daughter.


Looking at the contrast between my daughter and I, even the most ignorant stranger could conclude that I was not her biological mother.  We are about as opposite in color as any two people could be.  But yet, that didn't seem to matter.  The attacks began from complete strangers:  

• Condemning looks.
• Rolling eyes.
• People scanning me up and down with a half upturned lip. 
• Clear disgust.  Rude whispers. Comments.
• Others standing over me, body hovering, trying to look (literally) down on me.
• People staring me in my eyes the entire time I passed, without even a hint of a smile, as if to inflict some kind of shame or condemnation. 
• But, the worst?  The invisible look. From afar, people would see me, but then as I approached, they would turn their heads up and away, brushing past me as if we did not exist.

At first, I was completely dumbfounded. I had been friendly, outgoing, quick to smile and engage in random conversations with strangers all my life.  But now, I was no less than shocked and devastated.  And to be honest, many days I would come home and sit in a heap and just weep at the cruelty of people.  I just couldn't understand it. 


But then, I started noticing patterns.

• Older people seemed much more bothered by our diversity than younger people.
• Men almost always ignored me or glared...especially older men.  Women not as much.
• African-American women were always friendly; smiling, stopping to chat, or just plain helpful.
• In a major metropolitan city nearby, I rarely had issues.
• In the small nearby farm towns, I almost always received degrading looks or comments.
• How I dressed made a difference.
• How I responded mattered.

And I began to realize...

• People were being rude because it empowered them to feel entitled to make judgments.
• Women who have biological children outside of their own race have to deal with this kind of condemnation everyday.
• It was not just me they were condemning, but the color of the skin of my adopted child.
• My daughter, sadly, will likely have to deal with people's bias, condemnation, judgments, & racism her entire life.
• God did not give us a spirit of fear or intimidation..but one of power, love, and a sound mind.
• My daughter was watching my response and would likely grow up to pattern how I interacted with strangers.
• My job is to protect and defend my daughter.  I needed to model maturity, confidence, and faith.
• Again....How I respond mattered.

The biggest, most drastic thing that somehow shifted in me, was my thinking.  Instead of getting defensive, depressed, or angry...I started to love and pray and seek God's counsel.  He seemed to show me the hearts of my accusers and how low of self-worth they must have to want and need to play Messiah on behalf of me and my family. I began to ache for them, want to help them, and love them with a love beyond anything within myself.


I also knew that our daughter was and is a testimony. Our family was no accident and was put together by the hand of God. And God calls us to be confident in the things He calls us to do - in all things bringing glory to Him. 


At first, I started dressing up more.  For some reason, nicely dressed people are perceived more as adoptive parents.  But then, I realized I can't be on defense...I must play offense...So...

• Instead of walking with my head held down, I started standing straight, tall.
• Instead of looking at the floor...I now keep my eyes up, vibrant, alive, engaging.
• When people pass, I always smile; looking people straight in the eyes with love and acceptance.
• If people seem to be curious as to our contrast, I engage in casual conversation opening up doors of communication and understanding.
• Whenever possible, I share our testimony of adoption with hopes to plant seeds, inspire, and advocate for the orphan.
• I stop when little kids stand and stare or touch my daughters skin, and talk to them about diversity and color. (Yes, even if the parents are present and especially if the parents display rejection of my daughter)
• I see every opportunity as a chance to educate, and take it.
• I try to love people and smile even more when they are rude or accusatory or just plain mean.  Even though they still glare as I pass, I keep smiling and walking with my head held high and proud of our family.  Love conquers all sin.
• I teach my daughter about the differences of color, race...the beauty of all of God's creation.
• I tell my daughter daily just how beautiful she is and that she is a princess of the Most High God. 
• I teach my daughter to never walk condemned, looking at the ground. And instead advise her to keep her head held high, looking people straight in the eyes, and answer others respectfully in a strong, confident, self-assured voice.

The onslaught of negative responses I received after adopting our African American child, I would have never expected before adopting. But, now I see that adopting trans-racially is no less than a valuable gift -- a walking billboard, if you will, that opens doors to advocate for adoption.  It has a way of impacting thousands in our lifetime to a population that may not otherwise hear about how God can open homes and hearts to seeking families and, thus, fill hearts.  I cannot say just how many times I have conversations with people "thinking" about adoption.  Then, when they see our family or talk to us about the joys of adoption it becomes a confirmation to what God had been prompting them to do. 


Trans-racial families are unique in that they are...

• Testaments to the diversity and beauty of His creation.
• An opportunity to demonstrate to the world His unconditional love.
• A chance to share about diversity and adoption.
• Walking poster boards of what love can do.

One day we will know just how many kids have been saved and brought into forever homes because our determination to use our family as a way to open doors to conversations about adoption.  Each day we are thankful for the way He has created our family into such a beautiful palette of color for His splendor.  And I know, without a doubt, that if I had to do it all over again, we wouldn't change a thing."

Visit Jen's blog site at http://richfaithrising.blogspot.com/

And thank you, Jen, for opening some eyes, and perhaps hearts, today.

Majority or Minority?

The most recent census data has taught us a number of things about our country.  In African-American homes, single mothers are now more common than married, two-parent households.  Social order in America is changing.  Two-parent married couples are no longer the norm for a lot of children, particularly those we have considered minority in the past.  In the 2010 census, 12 states and the District of Columbia, the population of Caucasian children fell below 50%.  Seven more states will soon flip as well.  In older Americans, the population of Caucasian seniors ranges from 73% of those aged 45-64 (baby boom generation) to 80% of those over age 65 being Caucasian.  Minority births are changing the demographics of the whole country.  Multigenerational households are most common among Hispanics, where 1 out of 10 households include multiple generations.  Same sex unmarried couples represent 1 out of 10 households where unmarried partners reside.  There is a substantial decline in the traditional family of the past.

What does this mean for adoption?  It means that as our population changes and Caucasian families become the minority, there will be more African American, Asian, and Hispanic children for adoption than Caucasian children.  In black and Hispanic cultures, female heads of household make up nearly 1/4 of all homes, whereas in Caucasian and Asian households, 9% are headed by females. Currently, the overwhelming majority of those wishing to adopt are Caucasian.  Because of the current trends, that means that there will be more trans-racial adoptions in the future.  While it has often been maintained that the best home for a child is within it's own race, that "ideal" has become impossible to achieve as the dynamics change.  Many trans-racial families are doing quite well, as racial acceptance is more common now than 50 years ago.  Presumably, we will continue to erase racial barriers over time.  For adoptive families, this means thinking about opening up to additional racial possibilities for your family as an option to waiting longer periods of time.

Adopt without Debt

I haven't yet read this book, but I will.  It's intriguing to say the least.  Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming.  I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption.  One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas.  He helped his family to expand.  Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser.  The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them.  They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses.  I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts.  People are getting creative!  Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption.  If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.

A Child Is Not A Social Experiment

 A Canadian family has sparked furious debate about a "social experiment" that they are doing in order to force society to comply with their wish that gender not be a consideration.  Their four month old baby, Storm, is at the center of the controversy.  Storm is, in all likelihood, a boy.  No one, except immediate family members know, though, because they aren't telling.  It strikes me that they quite possibly wanted a girl and are not satisfied, so they are improvising. They intend to raise Storm as neither male or female.  If that's not a recipe for creating gender identity, then nothing is.  God created us as male and female, in every species.  Why, then, does this couple feel that there is something shameful about being a boy or a girl?  And why should Storm bear the weight of their bad decisions?  They want to use this child to try to educate the world.  Actually, I think they need educating.  Which bathroom is a child supposed to go to when they begin school or go to the park?  Perhaps they will home school in order to maintain the secret.  I think that doing this to a child and making the child the butt of jokes and the subject of endless gossip and intrigue is doing a grave disservice to the child.  What will the results of this experiment be?  Public ridicule, endless teasing, a lack of a sense of self-worth and belonging, and perhaps even a gender identity crisis. Do we need another Columbine to give us the results of this horrible social experiment?  I think not.  These parents need a reality check.  Let the child be a child, whatever gender.

 To view CNN's video on the subject, click the link below.

A Child Is Not A Social Experiment

Trends in Baby Names

Every year, the Social Security Administration publishes the list of most popular baby names.  This has particular interest to the families I work with.  I think we need to shake up the list a little.  For the past 12 years, Jacob has topped the list as the most popular name for boys.  Isabella has been the most popular girls' name for the past two years running.  I might have bought into that hype a little.  When I found and adopted my little dog this past year, I did name her "Bella".  For the first time since 1957, Elvis has left the building...um, the list.  It has remained on the top 100 list for 55 straight years, which is astounding.  I've never known an Elvis.  The top names in 2010 are as follows;

Girls                                                  Boys

1. Isabella                                          1. Jacob
2. Sophia                                           2. Ethan
3. Emma                                            3. Michael
4. Olivia                                            4. Jayden
5. Ava                                               5. William

Not surprisingly, the names moving up fastest on the lists came from reality shows about teen moms.  Maci and Bentley are moving up the list.  The most popular girl names all end in the letter "a", indicating a trend toward feminine names.  Remember a few years ago, there were many unisex names on both lists.  Jayden, Hayden, Aiden, and Braden, are all on the boys' list -- a bit trendy too.  Aiden makes the list three times with different spellings, so is more popular than it may seem. 

Baby names tend to be cyclical.  Michael and William are likely named after older relatives and they cycle through generations.  A current trend in names is to be different and yet popular.  That's a tough task.  That may be why Aiden has so many spellings.  I favor simple, easily spelled names that can't be shortened to nicknames.  Of course, the best intentions don't always go as planned.  I named my youngest son Dylan.  That seems simple enough and went well with the names of his siblings, Ryan and Erin.  Who knew everyone would try to spell it "Dillon", like Matt Dillon, the sheriff?   When I chose the names of my children, there weren't too many with their names around, but it seems that simultaneously everyone had the same idea.  My son, Ryan, had 5 other Ryans on his soccer team.  It's a good thing he has an easy last name.  With Erin, I thought of the Waltons and liked the Irish connection to match our Irish roots.  I had never known another girl named Erin.  But my daughter does.  A bunch of them.  Even our neighbor is Erin.  So, in trying to be unique and yet not saddle a child with a name that everyone will get wrong, requiring the child to continually correct it, it becomes a balancing act and a difficult one at that.

Studies show that names make a difference in the classroom.  Michaels or Deborahs  tend to be favored by teachers over Freds or Beulahs.  So, keep in mind when you are naming a child that there is more to it than just liking the name.  Consider spelling, pronounciation, and popularity.  That way, William and Ava won't have an uphill battle.

Choose Life

Bravo to Texas lawmakers who have approved legislation authorizing “choose life” license plates.  The plates will be sold to raise money to help pregnant mothers choose adoption over abortion.  While critics may say it puts lawmakers on one side of the argument, that has been the case for the other side for years.  I think anyone who is pro-choice should be glad that there is yet another choice and that choice may save a life.  Also in Texas, a bill requiring a woman seeking an abortion to view sonogram images of her fetus at least 24 hours prior to a planned abortion tentatively passed the state Senate in a vote of 21-10.  Informed consent is required in all surgeries, so why not abortion?  A woman should know exactly what she is aborting.  Planned Parenthood, the leading abortion provider in the country, doesn’t want her to see that her baby is not simply “pregnancy tissue” or “products of conception”.  A beating heart tells a different story.  Victims of rape and incest would not be required to view the sonogram if they opted not to.   Watch for Planned Parenthood to fight this bill with whatever means they can.  It can and will cut into their profits.

The Nebraska legislature is also taking some positive steps.  A bill sponsored by Sen. Beau McCoy would exclude abortion coverage from all private insurance policies sold in that state.  Those who wish to purchase abortion coverage would only be allowed to do so with an optional rider paid for solely by the insured.  Lawmakers in Kansas are moving to do the same thing.  It’s about time that taxpayers were taken off the hook for abortions that some of us don’t wish to fund.  Five states already prohibit abortion coverage in basic policies.  Those states are Missouri, Idaho, North Dakota, Oklahoma, and Kentucky.  The Hippocratic oath that doctors take requires them to swear that they will “do no harm”.  In the original Hippocratic oath, doctors were required to swear that “I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion”.   It seems that some don’t take their oath very seriously, so legislation may be the only way to protect the unborn.