Adoption Issues - We're All Pro-choice

Someone pointed out to me today that we're all pro-choice. Some of us are pro-life and some are pro-death, but we're all pro-choice. We each want our own choice. I worked in Labor & Delivery for seven years. For two of those years, I was a neonatal bereavement counselor. It was my job to go into a delivery room where a woman was either going to give birth to a deceased baby, one that would most certainly expire, or had already expired. It was my job to gently take the baby, give the baby a bath, take footprints and hand prints -- as tiny as they might have been. It was my job to photograph the baby in perspective -- next to a flower or a small reminder of how little that baby was. Then, I would dress the baby in something nice -- often doll clothes since preemies are sometimes no larger than the palm of your hand. The child would then be wrapped lovingly in a baby blanket and presented to the parents, so they could hold, be with, and grieve the loss of their baby. To say it was heart-wrenching is an understatement. I grieved my own losses, particularly my son Cody, who was also born deceased and very premature. I sat with Moms, Dads, Grandparents, and siblings and cried right along with them. So very precious was this life they lost. Anyone who has gone through such a trauma is pro-life. The death of a baby is such a devastating loss. A life unlived. It's so unnatural to be witness to an angel taking flight.

It's interesting that a baby born at 25 or 26 weeks can, with support and care, grow up to live a normal life. And yet, in many states, it is legal to abort a child of that gestational age. If you read the book "Gianna", it will give you insight as to what happens to babies when they are aborted. Gianna is a woman who was actually aborted, and lived to tell about it. After being burned by saline and forced from the uterus, she came out crying. The doctor put her aside, assuming she would die. When she didn't die after an hour, she was finally taken reluctantly to a hospital. She was burned by the saline abortion and because of the trauma and forced prematurity, she suffered cerebral palsy. She was adopted and has lived as full a life as one can with cerebral palsy. She is sharp as a tack. She wrote a book. How can anyone advocate for the right to hurt a child? I've known people in the past who would save a puppy or rescue a kitten and would criticize someone for dumping a litter off the side of the road to die. And yet they advocated for abortion.

If you drink and drive and you run into someone who is pregnant and you kill their unborn child, case law indicates that you can be held accountable for manslaughter and even second degree murder. Yet, if that very same woman continues on down the road to an abortion clinic and allows the life of her child to be taken, we are told, "It's a choice". Not much of a choice for the baby. We have double standards.
Why is it that the very same baby can be viewed as a precious family member and as an expendable nuisance depending upon circumstances? Who should get to play God?

So, when all of this debate in Congress centers around tax dollars (mine and yours) being allocated for abortion at will (which is what the law reads, despite what is being sold to us as a Presidential over-ride), I have to object. I spent too much time comforting those who lost the opportunity to parent. There are too many more who want to parent the unborn who may be, at a cost to us, discarded and thrown in the trash. It's tragic, it's senseless, and it's costing us so much - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It's like the bumper sticker that says, "Abortion - One dead, one wounded". The mother doesn't walk away unscathed. Often I talk to women who are now considering adoption because they have aborted before and can't reconcile that with their conscience. A woman once told me, "I will never be able to forgive myself and I hate myself for what I did". Post-abortion, women look down at the babies they have and they think to themselves, "That was one of them. What did I do?". Some have a very hard time forgiving themselves. Abortion providers are so quick to identify the problem as "pregnancy tissue" or "products of conception" -- very sterile terms for a beating heart, don't you think? As Americans, we can't claim to the rest of the world to be humanitarians if we are killing our own babies. Yes, that sounds harsh, but isn't that what is happening? There will always be exceptions to every rule, but those should be offered by physicians trying to save a life that may be in the balance. Outside of that, there are better options.

Congressman Bart Stupak sold out. Supposedly a vehement pro-lifer, his vote was the tipping point. I wonder what he was promised by our President in order to get him to reverse his stance, compromise his ethics, and vote for a bill that states abortion should be available to those who want it and should be covered by health care insurance paid for by taxpayers? Back door deals and dirty politics are now the norm. How did we get to the point in this country where the votes of the congressmen who are supposed to be representing the people are bought and sold? And at what price? Very simply - the price of a life. No, make that millions of lives. Innocent lives.

I have seen and attended many births. I have worked in a newborn nursery. I have been present in adoption situations for support during delivery. I've never seen a baby and felt "That one should have been aborted". Not once. Not every baby is what you may consider "perfect". But what I have found is that every baby is perfect for someone. I will never support having my tax dollars or my business' tax dollars go for abortion at will. The fact that this is "the law of the land" -- my land -- is sickening to me. I would love to be able to support our President, but I can't. Mr. Obama claims to be Christian, but supports the right to choose death and wants me to pay for it. I find that hypocritical and offensive. How is that my choice?

Adoption Issues - Older Child Adoptions

In the past, most of the adoptions we have assisted with have been for newborns. When the economy went South, we anticipated having more than the average amount of newborn adoptions, simply because birth mothers generally place because they are not in a good place financially and can't manage working and paying for day care for a newborn and possibly other children. That problem would be increased with job losses and the lack of financial support from other sources. However, it hasn't worked out that way, but rather the birth rate has gone down and abortions are up. It's possible that many birth moms who place their infants for adoption start out at a place where they think "Perhaps I can do this" and only find out later in the pregnancy that they can't (father has disappeared or income has changed) and they decide to go forward with an adoption plan. In recent months, knowing that they can't manage because of the lack of a job and the pressures of trying to support kids in the current economic environment, some tend to opt for abortion. All it all, it seems that everyone is being more careful about unplanned pregnancy because of economic hard times. Perhaps that is why the birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression.

However, we are seeing a trend we didn't anticipate -- the voluntary placement of older children. There are older children in the system and that has always been the case, because they are removed from homes where there is abuse or neglect. They go into foster care until it is decided that they may be adopted. Now we are seeing birth moms who wouldn't normally place their children choose to make an private adoption plan. Financial hardship is affecting already established families in a way we didn't anticipate as well. For a mom to go to work, she needs day care for her children. If she is single and has three or four kids, the cost of day care can be higher than her earnings. Welfare doesn't cover all of their needs. This leaves them with no way out, except to consider placing one or more of their children for adoption, so that they can get on their feet, work, and support themselves and their other children. This doesn't typically happen when there is only one child or the parent is not overwhelmed. This can be a heartbreaking reality for some women. It's not a choice they would normally make, but one they are faced with nonetheless.

Open adoption is more difficult when a child is old enough to remember a parent. On one hand, you don't want them to feel abandoned. On the other hand, they will tend not to adjust and feel a part of a new family if they are waiting for their birth mother to come back for them. It seems cruel to give them that hope when the adoption plan has been made and they will be integrated into a new family. A child of three or four is old enough for an explanation that they can understand. Siblings should be considered as well. Once a child has been allowed to integrate into the new family, then after a period of time, the relationship with the birth mother can be re-established. Of course birth mom and adoptive family should keep in touch in the meantime. It's just important for the child to be allowed to adjust and gain his or her place in the family, so that they feel like a family member, not a guest in someone's home.

Older child adoption is much more complex than infant adoption. A child may need therapy to adjust and accept a new life. While they are adjusting, it's best to move slowly and easily through the changes, rather than rocking their world with a name change or a completely foreign situation. They should be allowed to have their comforts -- their toys and loveys (a blanket, favorite stuffed animal, a pacifier, or whatever they cherish). If their name is to be changed, it should be gradual. Can you imagine going by your name one day and all of a sudden having people call you by something totally different the next? That would be a bit like being in the Twilight Zone. It can be very disorienting for a young child.

For those considering older child adoption, it is a good thing to offer a child a loving, stable home. But keep in mind that it is a gradual adjustment. A psychologist once told me that for every year (or month) that a child has lived outside of your home, it will take them that long to adjust to being in your family once they get inside your home. So for a two year old, that means two years. That's a long adjustment time, but it's realistic. A child under the age of a year will adjust more quickly. A child of three or four will have memories to contend with and insecurities about being moved again. It takes a lot of patience but, for those who have patience to offer, can be very rewarding indeed.

Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward

Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.

Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!

What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.

In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.

Another Loss Due to a Sexual Predator

In the headlines today, another young woman's body has been found. Amber Dubois disappeared a little over a year ago while walking to her high school in Escondido. She was only 14. Her family had held out hope that somehow, somewhere she was still alive. Jaycee Dugard's story, while tragic, made them feel that it was possible that Amber could be alive. On Saturday, those hopes were dashed when her body was found in a remote area of San Diego County. Just days ago, the body of Chelsea King was found in a similar area. A registered sex offender, John Albert Gardner III, was arrested in connection with Chelsea's murder and is currently being investigated in the disappearance of Amber as well. He lived with his mother in the same area during the time Amber went missing. Gardner lived recently in Lake Elsinore, California, a community in the area in which I live and work. Over the past few months, we have been periodically called with the Lake Elsinore Unified School District warning that there was a predator lurking around schools and accosting girls. A few times, abductions were attempted and one time he exposed himself to students waiting at a bus stop. The picture provided looks remarkably like Mr. Gardner.

When will it end? This is such an easy fix! If someone qualifies as a registered sex offender, they should not be on the street. We need to be considering chemical or medical castration for these individuals, as well as long-term incarceration. Some may call that "cruel and unusual punishment". However, what those girls endured went beyond that. If we can save one child from these predators, then it would be worth all the tax dollars we spend to keep them in jail for life. There are murderers on death row who killed in a fit of rage or vengeance. They are a lot less dangerous to society than the ones who kill for their own selfish pleasure. And yet, sex offenders get a couple of years and a slap on the wrist and out they go to do it again and again. The recidivism rate is higher in sexual crimes than in another other type of crime. In the case of Mr. Gardner, a psychologist had recommended he not be released because it was felt that he would re-offend. So it was known that he was a danger. And one, two, or possibly more families are paying the price for the bad judgment that put him back out on the street.

How important are our daughters, our children? Our representatives need to know. They need to be bombarded with demands for legislation that will castrate and commit these people for life or for long enough that they could never again endanger a child -- your child, my child, anyone's child. Please take a moment and write one letter, and then encourage everyone else you know to write at least one letter to the people who are supposed to protect and serve us.

Adoption Issues - There Is No "Safe Haven"

Back in 2001, California enacted it's version of the "Safe Haven" law, which has been put into place in almost all 50 states. It was implemented in order to allow women who couldn't parent for whatever reason, and presumably couldn't tell anyone, to place their children in a safe place at a police or fire station or hospital, with no questions asked. While at least 331 babies (according to the California Department of Social Services) have been saved by this law, countless others have died even with it in place. The question begs..."Why would anyone abandon or put their child in a trash dumpster when the obvious solution is so available?". This week, in Redondo Beach, California, a young lady age 24 who was attending a party excused herself to a bedroom because she felt "uncomfortable". A few hours later, she left to go home. She left behind her 6 lb. newborn daughter outside in a trash barrel - an ordinary trash receptacle awaiting pick up at the street. This was done just blocks from a local fire station, where she could have placed the baby and sounded a bell so that someone would come and get her and keep her safe.

I think we all want to know the answers. It's hard to imagine giving birth in a bedroom while people are partying in a home and not being noticed or notifying anyone. It's hard to imagine going through that without asking for help. While the mother states that she had no idea she was pregnant, when she finally figured out she was having a baby, wouldn't she want some assistance? An ambulance? A Hospital? Not if she planned to dispose of her baby. It seems far-fetched that with such elaborate planning, she didn't know what she was doing or that she was pregnant. While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been mentioned as a cause for this behavior, I find it difficult to accept. The more in shock a person is, the more they need help making decisions. They don't plot and plan when they are in shock.

Jessica Canfield was booked for investigation of murder after it was determined that she gave birth to the infant girl who was found under trash in a container that was too heavy for the garbage truck to lift. As a result, sanitation workers got out to investigate and found the infant. I'm not sure it will ever be possible to understand the reasons behind the actions of Jessica and others like her. Despite laws put in place to protect infants and shield reluctant mothers from judgment, scrutiny, or even discovery, we are still finding infants in trash cans. I wonder how many have gone undiscovered?