My son, a freshman in high school, seems to forget his lunch money on a regular basis. Now, some would say "Let him go hungry a few times and he'll remember", which is probably true. But, I'm a softy and don't want him to miss lunch and go through the afternoon distracted or lethargic. I recently made a trip to the administration office to leave his lunch money. The secretary asked me, "Could you text him to let him know to come to the office?". Wow, is it just me or do you not remember sending that notice home that it's best that students NOT bring their cell phones to class? Cell phones are either a blessing or a curse, and I'm not sure which much of the time. Most schools don't like cell phones in the classroom because of distractions, rings, and the potential for cheating via text. My own son got into trouble when I noticed text messages on the bill during school hours.
Recent reports of teens "sexting" have been surfacing in the news. While prosecuting teens for child pornography because of sexting between kids seems a bit absurd to me (there has to be a more appropriate punishment), I have to wonder why it has come to this. I don't think parents know what is going on, particularly that their teens are taking provocative pictures of themselves and sending them out into the etherworld. While they may be meant for only one person to see, once sent these pictures can circulate among other teens, adults, and even hit the internet. All of that can come back to haunt someone, as is the case recently with a teacher who was fired because of provocative pictures which showed up on the internet. Concerned parents didn't really care how they got there. The fact that they were there was enough. Kids need to be educated as to what can happen if they put their fate in the hands of other kids, some of whom may not have the best judgment.
So much for the theory that most teens have poor body image! I'm not sure what has changed in the years since I was a teen to cause kids to feel open enough to expose themselves so easily, but the phenomenon is disturbing, given that this is going on with not only teens, but grammar school children. I do agree that something has to be done to prevent this from happening and to protect naive children from giving these images to the wrong people, or anyone for that matter. I am going to look into a non-camera phone for my son. I think it might be too tempting for an adolescent boy not to look at potentially lewd pictures. In my day, the boys had to go out searching for pornography. Now it comes to them!
Well, for those of you who are about to adopt or who have young children, be careful what you wish for! You'll be dealing with teens soon enough. And don't get me started on science fair!
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Sunday, April 19, 2009
National Volunteer Week
National Volunteer week is April 19-25. Volunteers are great people. Whenever you want to feel good about life, be a volunteer. I have volunteered in many capacities in my life. Most people don't know this about me, but years ago I was the director of a student volunteer program at Presbyterian Intercommunity Hospital, in Whittier, California (celebrated as the home town of President Nixon -- or not). I was in charge of developing the program and supervising student volunteers. I found that when kids did things for others, they shined. They always felt needed and important -- and they were. I was recommended for that job because I was volunteering at the hospital information desk one night a week. I think I always had volunteer jobs because I want to be in the thick of things and I always want to know what is happening at any given time. Some would call that "nosy", but I like to think of it as being in the know about current events!
I volunteered in other capacities over the years and I have always thought that when I have time (exactly when will that be?), that I would volunteer with the Red Cross. I think that plays right into being where the action is. I am not one of those people who gawks at crashes or wants to rush to the scenes of accidents, but I do feel the need to help make things right when a situation is bad for someone else. It's the rescuer in me. I think all three of my children may have inherited that gene. As a result, we are a haven for strays of any kind, times four. My daughter is trying to talk me into a kitten as we speak. Never mind that we have three cats, two dogs, and a turtle who managed to live in the house for year before I learned about him! How does that happen? My daughter had me convinced that he was ceramic. Okay that does sound dumb, but he's a water turtle and was always shiny. He cooperated by not moving every time I was around. By the time I figured out he was real, I was informed that he was "no problem" and that I didn't even notice him so he must be allowed to stay. Now he resides in a tank in the family room with a brand new "turtle log" and eats more than a small dog. But, I digress...
This is national volunteer week. One of the things I like about the new adminstration's plan is to put into place a "national service", where everyone can give their time to serve their country, not just in the military. Kids, especially, need to volunteer and see how great it can be to help someone, whether in a homeless shelter, a local hospital, a food bank, or a pet shelter. There are so many good things to do. I have found that when someone volunteers, it becomes an addiction. They keep volunteering. I think that's how I ended up as a Chamber of Commerce Director, a campaign worker, a proponent of citihood, and recently found my way to a Rotary Club meeting. The list goes on. What I can say is that I have loved every moment of the time I have spent volunteering and it's a great way to meet quality people who will become your good friends.
I would love to hear all the ways people are volunteering. Let me know what you're doing! :).
I volunteered in other capacities over the years and I have always thought that when I have time (exactly when will that be?), that I would volunteer with the Red Cross. I think that plays right into being where the action is. I am not one of those people who gawks at crashes or wants to rush to the scenes of accidents, but I do feel the need to help make things right when a situation is bad for someone else. It's the rescuer in me. I think all three of my children may have inherited that gene. As a result, we are a haven for strays of any kind, times four. My daughter is trying to talk me into a kitten as we speak. Never mind that we have three cats, two dogs, and a turtle who managed to live in the house for year before I learned about him! How does that happen? My daughter had me convinced that he was ceramic. Okay that does sound dumb, but he's a water turtle and was always shiny. He cooperated by not moving every time I was around. By the time I figured out he was real, I was informed that he was "no problem" and that I didn't even notice him so he must be allowed to stay. Now he resides in a tank in the family room with a brand new "turtle log" and eats more than a small dog. But, I digress...
This is national volunteer week. One of the things I like about the new adminstration's plan is to put into place a "national service", where everyone can give their time to serve their country, not just in the military. Kids, especially, need to volunteer and see how great it can be to help someone, whether in a homeless shelter, a local hospital, a food bank, or a pet shelter. There are so many good things to do. I have found that when someone volunteers, it becomes an addiction. They keep volunteering. I think that's how I ended up as a Chamber of Commerce Director, a campaign worker, a proponent of citihood, and recently found my way to a Rotary Club meeting. The list goes on. What I can say is that I have loved every moment of the time I have spent volunteering and it's a great way to meet quality people who will become your good friends.
I would love to hear all the ways people are volunteering. Let me know what you're doing! :).
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Holly's Reunion
Last Tuesday, my administrative assistant, Holly, was able to meet her own birth mom. At a quiet restaurant, Holly, Jimmie, her fiance, both of her children, and her Mom, Janice, went to meet Pam (birth mom), Margaret (birth grandmother), and Paige (birth niece). Four generations of her birth family were present at the very first meeting! Holly stated that with the intros, there were "hugs all around" and it was soon very comfortable, "like seeing family you haven't seen in a very long time".
Holly was able to visit with them over dinner and then breakfast the next morning, where they all viewed old pictures of Holly in the hospital when she was born. They talked about when Janice was able to pick her up at the hospital, and Pam talked about how, after she had made the decision that an adoption would take place, the hospital didn't allow her to see or hold her baby, a very different scenario from what happens today. On Thursday, a trip to Disneyland was on tap and, while perhaps overcrowded due to the spring break holiday, it gave everyone a chance to do a lot of talking and reminiscing while standing in those long lines. After a few days of getting to know one another, Holly noticed a similarity. "I know now where I get my soda addiction!", she commented.
While talking at length, they discovered that both Holly's family and Pam's family had moved from Iowa to other states at the same time. Janice frequented the same grocery store when Holly was little as her biological mom, Pam, did. Several family members crossed paths multiple times. Pam continued going to the same doctor who delivered Holly (and who had connected her with her adoptive parents) and eventually delivered another daughter, Summer. When she would go to the doctor, he would tell her that Holly was "well and doing fine". Unbeknownst to Pam, Holly's family spent time with the doctor's family on a regular basis.
There is a lot more to talk about and they are both thinking up new questions, but the plan is to see each other again before too much time passes. Holly will meet her birth father, Dan, in September, and the circle will be complete.
These days, we don't make people work so hard to connect with adoptees or birth families. Our adoptions are open and everyone has the needed information. For anyone searching to find birth parents, birth children, or birth siblings from an adoption in years past, there are resources. The internet has helped searches take on a life of their own. If you need ideas or help starting a search, give us a call and we can get you started.
Holly was able to visit with them over dinner and then breakfast the next morning, where they all viewed old pictures of Holly in the hospital when she was born. They talked about when Janice was able to pick her up at the hospital, and Pam talked about how, after she had made the decision that an adoption would take place, the hospital didn't allow her to see or hold her baby, a very different scenario from what happens today. On Thursday, a trip to Disneyland was on tap and, while perhaps overcrowded due to the spring break holiday, it gave everyone a chance to do a lot of talking and reminiscing while standing in those long lines. After a few days of getting to know one another, Holly noticed a similarity. "I know now where I get my soda addiction!", she commented.
While talking at length, they discovered that both Holly's family and Pam's family had moved from Iowa to other states at the same time. Janice frequented the same grocery store when Holly was little as her biological mom, Pam, did. Several family members crossed paths multiple times. Pam continued going to the same doctor who delivered Holly (and who had connected her with her adoptive parents) and eventually delivered another daughter, Summer. When she would go to the doctor, he would tell her that Holly was "well and doing fine". Unbeknownst to Pam, Holly's family spent time with the doctor's family on a regular basis.
There is a lot more to talk about and they are both thinking up new questions, but the plan is to see each other again before too much time passes. Holly will meet her birth father, Dan, in September, and the circle will be complete.
These days, we don't make people work so hard to connect with adoptees or birth families. Our adoptions are open and everyone has the needed information. For anyone searching to find birth parents, birth children, or birth siblings from an adoption in years past, there are resources. The internet has helped searches take on a life of their own. If you need ideas or help starting a search, give us a call and we can get you started.
Monday, April 13, 2009
Happy Birthday
Twenty three years ago, the world lost a great guy. My Dad was one of those who lived a quiet life, without much fanfare and very little recognition. But, he was a guy who was always there for my brother and I, and also every runaway and underdog he came across. I think the seeds of adoption were always in me, due in part because my dad was never one to leave someone on the street or in distress. He was raised in the depression and he was happy with very little. He didn't have much in the way of financial resources, but he always found a way to take care of people who needed help. He was pretty resourceful at times. He used to manage a large grocery store, so he knew when he found kids rummaging through the dumpsters in back that they needed a square meal and a bed to sleep in. He'd bring them home and find a way to get them to go home to their parents or help them find a place to stay. He always found a way to teach them how to survive and what was best for them without letting them in on the fact that they were learning a lesson. He was probably the most patient man I've ever met. When I was a teenager, it used to embarrass me that my friends and people I didn't know would seek him out for advice on what to do about a runaway teen or a kid who was heading in the wrong direction. When you're a kid, you don't think your parents know anything, so why would your own friends and peers seek them out for advice? Now I wish I were half the parent and role model that he was.
At his funeral, all of the stories came out; many I had never heard. He had co-signed for a 17 year old kid to purchase a motorcycle because he had been kicked out of his home and, while he had a job and was in school with good grades, he had no way to get around. My Dad told him that he'd co-sign for the motorcycle if he would continue in school and work to support himself. The agreement was that if he missed a single payment or failed a class, he would lose the bike. I still remember Ron. He told me later that my dad had saved his life by helping him with that bike.
My Dad was the guy who took 15 girl scouts to a lake to go fishing -- and he baited every hook. He was the one who purposefully handed me a dime (at that time, the price of a phone call) every time a date picked me up ("Just in case you have any problems, Honey"). He was the guy who gave second chances and taught my friends to bowl. He called every baby he came across "Squeaky" because he thought they all made the same squeaky sounds. He didn't change diapers, but he'd come out in the rain to change a tire. He never preached Christianity, but he was a living example of it. He wasn't perfect, but in my eyes he sure came close. He was a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a marine, and a friend. He was always there for me and he exemplified unconditional love. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 83. He loved chocolate cake. Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you.
P.S. My Dad shares a birthday with another terrific person, Joyce Zoellers. Happy Birthday, Joyce!
At his funeral, all of the stories came out; many I had never heard. He had co-signed for a 17 year old kid to purchase a motorcycle because he had been kicked out of his home and, while he had a job and was in school with good grades, he had no way to get around. My Dad told him that he'd co-sign for the motorcycle if he would continue in school and work to support himself. The agreement was that if he missed a single payment or failed a class, he would lose the bike. I still remember Ron. He told me later that my dad had saved his life by helping him with that bike.
My Dad was the guy who took 15 girl scouts to a lake to go fishing -- and he baited every hook. He was the one who purposefully handed me a dime (at that time, the price of a phone call) every time a date picked me up ("Just in case you have any problems, Honey"). He was the guy who gave second chances and taught my friends to bowl. He called every baby he came across "Squeaky" because he thought they all made the same squeaky sounds. He didn't change diapers, but he'd come out in the rain to change a tire. He never preached Christianity, but he was a living example of it. He wasn't perfect, but in my eyes he sure came close. He was a father, a husband, a brother, a son, a marine, and a friend. He was always there for me and he exemplified unconditional love. Tomorrow is his birthday. He would have been 83. He loved chocolate cake. Happy Birthday, Daddy. I miss you.
P.S. My Dad shares a birthday with another terrific person, Joyce Zoellers. Happy Birthday, Joyce!
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Protect Our Children
This morning, as I was driving to work, I noticed a small child walking along a narrow bridge over the freeway. It was chilly and beginning to look stormy and he had no shoes on and was walking on asphalt. It was obvious he was out of place and there was no pedestrian sidewalk or place to walk as cars were whizzing by. I saw three people pull over to ask him if he was okay, but he waved them off and kept walking. They drove away. I kept my eye on him while I dialed 911. Then a fourth person stopped. It was a pick up truck with a man inside and he lingered there and then after driving away, turned around and headed back. It was obvious he didn't know the child. He spent about 10 minutes talking to the little boy through his window and then, to my horror, this child walked around and got into the truck. At that point, still waiting for the police to arrive, I had to do something. I made a quick U-turn from where I was parked on the corner and floored it to catch up with the truck and took the license plate. The man in the truck noticed what I was doing and put his car in reverse, almost hitting my vehicle. He walked over to my window. I simply said to him "The police are on the way and we ARE going to wait for them". He stammered..."Oh, I was only going to get him some help". I told him that you should never put a child in your car and leave the area where you found him...the police should come to you.
At this point, he knew that the police had been called. He again backed up his truck and I honked and had to back up to avoid being hit by his vehicle. It seemed a little surreal. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do (intimidate me?). His vehicle almost went into a ditch in his effort to get parallel with my car (so I couldn't see his license plate?). I had visions of him shooting me and taking off with the child. I had also phoned my daughter and by that time she had pulled up and walked over to wait with me for the police. I kept getting the feeling that if this man could leave with the child, he certainly would.
He kept the child inside his truck the whole time, which made me nervous. The window was down, so I began speaking to the child. He told me that his name was Nicholas. He is 9 years old. Nicholas is a bright boy and told me that he was in the GATE (gifted and talented) program at school. I told him that he should never get in a car with someone he doesn't know. At that, the man said "Oh yeah, I told him that too!". That seemed odd, since he put him inside his own vehicle. I told Nicholas that the police were on the way and that they would help him and that he'd be okay. The man looked agitated. I kept talking to Nicholas and, looking at the time on my phone, noticed that about 15 minutes had elapsed since I first called the police. I kept wondering where they were.
Nicholas told me that he had a baby sister and three brothers. He had done something his mother had asked him to do and then, when his brother screamed at him, his mother had hit him a number of times and, to get away from that, he had run out of the front door with no shoes on. He didn't know what to do so he started walking "to a friend's house". School is out for spring break, so he didn't even know if his friend would be home. He had no phone, no jacket, no shoes. He looked scared. I explained that the police would come and take him home and check into whatever the problem was and help fix it. I asked if that would be okay with him. He shook his head yes. He stated that he had been hit for a number of months and was "tired of it".
I was more than a little relieved when two police officers arrived. They talked with Nicholas and determined that they would speak to his family and then possibly CPS. I am not sure what is going to happen with Nicholas. I can only hope that the situation at home will be resolved, either with or without help. I also hope that Nicholas has learned his lesson about getting in the cars of strangers. I worry that he has not, because it ended well. I'm just thankful that, for today, Nicholas is safe. It's a scary world. The man we encountered may have been there just to help, but he was more than a little creepy and my gut tells me that if I wasn't there at that precise moment, Nicholas would have been in the car with someone he didn't know who could have easily been a preditor. One look at the Megan's Law Website and you can see just how many there are. Our world has become a dangerous place for kids. They need to be aware how easy a child abduction can be and how vulnerable they are. We can only try to be vigilant and be there to help and protect our children.
At this point, he knew that the police had been called. He again backed up his truck and I honked and had to back up to avoid being hit by his vehicle. It seemed a little surreal. I wasn't sure what he was trying to do (intimidate me?). His vehicle almost went into a ditch in his effort to get parallel with my car (so I couldn't see his license plate?). I had visions of him shooting me and taking off with the child. I had also phoned my daughter and by that time she had pulled up and walked over to wait with me for the police. I kept getting the feeling that if this man could leave with the child, he certainly would.
He kept the child inside his truck the whole time, which made me nervous. The window was down, so I began speaking to the child. He told me that his name was Nicholas. He is 9 years old. Nicholas is a bright boy and told me that he was in the GATE (gifted and talented) program at school. I told him that he should never get in a car with someone he doesn't know. At that, the man said "Oh yeah, I told him that too!". That seemed odd, since he put him inside his own vehicle. I told Nicholas that the police were on the way and that they would help him and that he'd be okay. The man looked agitated. I kept talking to Nicholas and, looking at the time on my phone, noticed that about 15 minutes had elapsed since I first called the police. I kept wondering where they were.
Nicholas told me that he had a baby sister and three brothers. He had done something his mother had asked him to do and then, when his brother screamed at him, his mother had hit him a number of times and, to get away from that, he had run out of the front door with no shoes on. He didn't know what to do so he started walking "to a friend's house". School is out for spring break, so he didn't even know if his friend would be home. He had no phone, no jacket, no shoes. He looked scared. I explained that the police would come and take him home and check into whatever the problem was and help fix it. I asked if that would be okay with him. He shook his head yes. He stated that he had been hit for a number of months and was "tired of it".
I was more than a little relieved when two police officers arrived. They talked with Nicholas and determined that they would speak to his family and then possibly CPS. I am not sure what is going to happen with Nicholas. I can only hope that the situation at home will be resolved, either with or without help. I also hope that Nicholas has learned his lesson about getting in the cars of strangers. I worry that he has not, because it ended well. I'm just thankful that, for today, Nicholas is safe. It's a scary world. The man we encountered may have been there just to help, but he was more than a little creepy and my gut tells me that if I wasn't there at that precise moment, Nicholas would have been in the car with someone he didn't know who could have easily been a preditor. One look at the Megan's Law Website and you can see just how many there are. Our world has become a dangerous place for kids. They need to be aware how easy a child abduction can be and how vulnerable they are. We can only try to be vigilant and be there to help and protect our children.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Go With the Blessing
It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?
After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.
I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.
If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.
After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.
I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.
If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.
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