It's Sunday and I'm in the office as usual. I came in to finish up some organizing from the move, but I'm just sitting here contemplating for the moment. I guess I am perplexed and at a loss. Several times recently (and a number of times in the past), something has happened that has just mystified me. In a particular case this week, I profiled a long-standing adoptive family to a birth mother who was ready to choose a family. She is a birth mother I have confidence in, because she has placed before, twice. I view it as an opportunity and one of the best I can offer for adoptive families. Some of our longest waiting families were presented. I was excited that one of them would finally be going home with their little one. The family chosen had waited, and had seemed very anxious to be chosen for some time. At the same time, they seem to have a negative attitude about having it never happen for them (i.e. "We didn't believe you when you said we'd be chosen")!! Why would you sign up for an adoption if you didn't believe it could happen?
After being chosen, they agreed to meet with the birth parents in the birth parents' home. The meeting went well and the birth parents told them that they were the ones chosen to parent their soon to be born child. All that sounds great, right? The potential adoptive parents called immediately to say "it didn't feel right". I guess I just don't get that. A beautiful baby is going to be born soon and placed in their arms -- something they have wanted for a very very long time, and it doesn't feel right? I discussed the positive aspects of this particular situation and asked them to consider it further because it's one of the best possible scenarios they could have -- to stay in the same state, not have to travel or do ICPC, to be able to go home right away with their new baby, and not to have to worry about the birth parents changing their minds, as they are experienced with adoption and have been through the process before. We are all anticipating a healthy infant. The other two children previously placed for adoption are beautiful children.
I have to believe that the issue is not about the situation in question or the birth parents at all. It's about their desire to adopt another child. Perhaps the time has passed in which they felt a need for another child or an urgency. At any rate, how do you tell a birth parent AFTER they have chosen someone we profiled to them, promoted as outstanding parents, and AFTER a successful meeting, that the parents don't feel right about it? This is certainly a challenging part of my job. If the birth parents are offended, the situation can be lost for other potential adoptive parents in our organization (our credibility is now shot with them). If they feel someone is rejecting their child, they may decide not to place their child at all and choose to parent a baby they are not prepared to take home. I don't feel that this is fair to the birth parents. They are just too hard to find for anyone to take the situation lightly, as if you are choosing wallpaper (yes, I like this one...no, I don't like that one). Amazingly, the adoptive parents actually did like them. It just doesn't feel right.
If you are not ready to adopt, you shouldn't put yourself into the pool of prospective adoptive parents. There are so many who would feel more than a little blessed by the situation (or any situation, for that matter). It undermines our credibility and deprives other families of a wonderful experience (now everyone will be gun-shy). Why would you go to all the trouble of a home study, the cost, the wait, the emotional taxation, if you were going to base everything on a feeling? I'm not sure why it didn't feel right, but feelings are pretty subjective at any given time and can change. And wasn't the goal to get a healthy newborn into their arms and their home? Correct me if I'm wrong, but what I'm feeling is that they shouldn't continue their adoption journey. They are really not ready to love unconditionally and, frankly, they don't want it badly enough. That may seem harsh, but every day I work with families who want it so badly that they can taste it and I can't call them with a viable situation fast enough. When you are faced with a momentous decision and you can't decide -- follow the positive, not the negative. Go with the blessing.
5 comments:
I couldn't agree more with your post. I can't imagine how the birth parents must feel after finding out that the potential adoptive parents they chose weren't as on board as they were. These situations are sensitive enough without having to deal with indecisiveness. My only hope is that this baby is placed with parents who appreciate the blessing.
I agree Tina. I feel so badly for the birthparents. And for such a seemingly "perfect" situation, it's just unthinkable that they would tell you they were backing out. I too hope that this baby finds an adoptive family that will feel absolutely blessed to get that call. Maybe it's God's divine intervention taking place to put this baby with the right parents. My thoughts are with the birthfamily and all involved.
What about all the adoptive families that are "selected" by a birthparent and then that birthparent changes THEIR mind?? Don't you feel terrible for those families as well? Just as birthparents have many emotions and feelings going on, as do adoptive families. Would you rather have had the adoptive family take this child when the feeling wasn't right & then after six months, realize they had not made the right decision and they should have followed their "feeling" in the beginning?? Sounds to me, from this blog, that you are only concerned with your position here.
Julie: I certainly get it when adoptive families are disappointed. I live that scenario often with our adoptive families and have cried many tears over lost situations. What I was trying to say is that birth mothers are rare and hard to find and since they have chosen life over abortion and so many want to adopt their baby, adoptive parents shouldn't put themselves in a position to change their minds. If they don't want to adopt, they shouldn't meet with the birth parents and lead them to believe that they want to go forward, and then pull the rug out from under them later. There are too many people who want the opportunity and there is no need to disappoint the birth parents and risk losing them if someone is not truly serious about adopting.
No one wants to disappoint anyone else. However, the two scenarios are very different. It's understandable (in most cases) when a birth mother has a second thought because of feelings she did not know she would have. Adoptive families can, nonetheless, be devastated by such a decision. It is, however, a human emotion and somewhat understandable. It's not as understandable for an adoptive couple to portray that they want to adopt, but then opt out for no good reason. When someone opts to do advertising to specifically find a birth mom and then rejects them (again for no good reason), then that is preventable. The couple should have communicated with each other before communicating with a birth family.
I would have no problem with a family backing out if there was something that wasn't known at the time of the match that revealed itself and it was something that they couldn't live with. I think my issue with them doing that was that they weren't on the same page with themselves about adoption in general. When we do have a birth mother who is solid and wants a good family, it's a shame to treat her as if she is being rejected for no reason except "feelings".
P.S. to Julie: Your last comment struck me. You said "Sounds to me, from this blog, that you are only concerned with your position here". What do you think my position is? I advocate for both birth parents and adoptive parents, but my clients are adoptive parents. I work very hard to get them matched to appropriate birth moms and home with the family they desire. With that in mind, I obviously want the adoptive family happy, but not at the expense of being selfish. I think our mission statement says it best, "We are dedicated to providing options to both birth parents and adoptive parents. We are committed to building families through adoption in an ethical, legal and financially feasible manner, advocating full disclosure, while allowing privacy and protecting confidentiality. Respect of all parties is a priority. The welfare of the child is paramount."
As an update, the birth family have chosen another adoptive family, who were thrilled to get the call, thrilled to meet the birth couple, and will be overjoyed to receive a brand new baby this month.
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