A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question. He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear. He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?". That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't. I began to ask him some questions. "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?" You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn. He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his". I asked him if he loved his wife. He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question. I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?" He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile. "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked. He stated that he could.
Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son. They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home. I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well. There was a pause on the other end of the line. He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child He's 100% my son". I told him I knew that. He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it. He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him. That's how parents feel. All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too.
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Adoption, Karma, and Realistic Expectations
Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!". While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal. Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess. Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin. I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm. I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind. Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth. I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?" Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him". I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere. You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why. So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby. I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen. Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault. I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess.
Sometimes my job is quite a challenge. We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions. So how is a family matched? When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for. She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too. Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more. How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc. Any specifics narrow the playing field. It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side). When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up. Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.
It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky. For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying. Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few). But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else? Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!
I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault. We're not the enemy. I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them. But what about when they do? What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior? Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her. So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.
The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute. How is their profile? Do they take the advice we offer to improve it? I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple. We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's). How did they get matched? It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance. A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's). It's just that simple, believe it or not.
After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things. First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you. If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see. If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you. Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you. We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be. On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be. So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in. Maybe they had a failure before they had a success. While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it. Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes". That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt. I know that. And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are. But some things are just up to God.
I've always felt that there is no limit on time. Everything happens in it's own season. If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them. You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money. You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That's the hard part of my job. Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis. When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough. It's because there are certain things we don't have control over. It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone. We don't sell babies -- we do advertising. Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes. We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well. I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense. I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail. I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be. Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.
Sometimes my job is quite a challenge. We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions. So how is a family matched? When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for. She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too. Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more. How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc. Any specifics narrow the playing field. It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side). When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up. Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.
It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky. For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying. Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few). But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else? Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!
I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault. We're not the enemy. I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them. But what about when they do? What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior? Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her. So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.
The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute. How is their profile? Do they take the advice we offer to improve it? I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple. We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's). How did they get matched? It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance. A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's). It's just that simple, believe it or not.
After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things. First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you. If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see. If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you. Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you. We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be. On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be. So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in. Maybe they had a failure before they had a success. While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it. Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes". That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt. I know that. And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are. But some things are just up to God.
I've always felt that there is no limit on time. Everything happens in it's own season. If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them. You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money. You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That's the hard part of my job. Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis. When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough. It's because there are certain things we don't have control over. It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone. We don't sell babies -- we do advertising. Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes. We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well. I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense. I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail. I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be. Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.
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