A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question. He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear. He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?". That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't. I began to ask him some questions. "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?" You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn. He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his". I asked him if he loved his wife. He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question. I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?" He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile. "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked. He stated that he could.
Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son. They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home. I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well. There was a pause on the other end of the line. He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child He's 100% my son". I told him I knew that. He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it. He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him. That's how parents feel. All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too.
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